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Where to look (once I'm ready)?


laboheme
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So I've basically accepted that my ex will not be coming back to me, despite all the hope that I had in the few weeks after the breakup. I'm nowhere near ready to get into another relationship, but I'm just wondering...when I AM ready...where on earth would I find another guy?

 

Definitely not at work, I work with 5 other people, none of which are an option (gender or sexual orientation). In class I'm too busy focusing on lecture to meet anyone. I don't live on campus, and can't join any clubs because I'm too busy working, so can't meet people that way. Meeting people online is just...odd, it works for some, but I would never try it myself, real-life chemistry is too important. Moreover, I'm not interested in casual dating, I think of it as rather slutty and fake -- I want to drift into a relationship, not have a series of interviews over coffee with several prospective boyfriends...

 

Plus, I have a hard time imagining a guy who would fit my criteria of a good boyfriend, which include some of the following toughies (along with the usuals that everyone wants. I won't even go into the whole respectful, caring, moral, etc. deal, that's obvious):

 

- Shy/lone wolf. I'm like that myself, and I don't get along well with extroverts. However...I'm not socially awkward, and I would not want my SO to be that way either...

- Tender, not passionate. Meaning cuddles over sex anyday.

- Smart in different ways from me (sounds selfish, but I am definitely book smart, won't deny that). People smarts, sports smarts, random "don't know how I know that" smarts...those are attractive to me. But he can't be an academic flunkie...

- Low-maintenance. I don't want him thinking about his hair more than he does about other things.

- Non-smoker, non-drinker. A glass of wine at dinner is fine, but in my experience, guys my age are either completely sober or under the table, nothing in-between.

- Okay with dating a foreign girl. I speak English as well as the next girl, and for all practical purposes I'm American, but I know a lot of guys who wouldn't even consider dating a non-American.

- Family-oriented.

 

So my ideal man is the very opposite of a bad boy -- but I don't want him to be nice and innocent to the point of being childish and naive. Do guys like that actually exist, besides my ex (who lacked one essential quality -- wanting to be with me after two years!)? Or am I right in thinking that I'll have a hard time finding a guy with those qualities (although I probably won't even look for one until I'm out of grad school and in a position to get married...don't want another gut-wrenching breakup...)? And...once I'm ready to move on and start looking for my next love, whenever that is, where would I even start???

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Hey, I like most of those qualities you mentioned too, so when you do meet him, please send his brother along, okay?

 

Anyway, those don't really sound like overly picky qualities, and one would think it could describe a lot of guys. Hmm...maybe guys like that are too shy to be out and about hitting on girls like us.. Do try to keep an open mind about some of the stuff though. For instance, if at first he comes accross as being a little too much of a social butterfly, maybe you just caught him on a particularly happy moment or something. Nothing wrong with that. But if everytime you go out he ends up dancing on the tables, and leading round songs...then of course he's probably not what you want.

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Hey, I like most of those qualities you mentioned too, so when you do meet him, please send his brother along, okay?

 

Anyway, those don't really sound like overly picky qualities, and one would think it could describe a lot of guys. Hmm...maybe guys like that are too shy to be out and about hitting on girls like us..

 

Yes! Let's plan a double date, shall we? And you're right, they're too shy to be out and about...my type of guy wouldn't be hitting on girls...

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Please don't take this the wrong way, but...all you do is work and go to school? That sounds like a recipe for an emotionally empty life, I'm afraid to say.

 

I really suggest you find some time somewhere to add some enrichment to your life. Not even so much to find a new guy, but so you don't turn into a stressed-out drudge with no meaning in your life. It can be done, school or not. I put myself through college, worked, always took a full load, and was even an elected officer for the campus's largest organization for women. Yet I still went out and socialized a few times a month, sometimes more. I'm not saying this to toot my own horn, what I'm saying is I'm a "Type B" personality - so if I could pull all that off, surely you can find some additional time, too!

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Yes we should definitely double date! Try stopping at the store or convenience store to pick up juice or coffee often (as opposed to buying in bulk, I mean). Everyone's got to pick stuff up right? You might actually meet a good guy one day. Also go to the bookstore and browse around, it's fun to look at all the books anyway.

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Please don't take this the wrong way, but...all you do is work and go to school?

 

Gosh, it sure sounds that way, doesn't it? I do socialize...just not in settings that are conducive to meeting other people. It's just a couple of close friends from high school getting together for dinner and a movie at someone's house...

 

Also go to the bookstore and browse around, it's fun to look at all the books anyway.

 

Funny you should say that...when I'm bored, it's exactly what I do...My favorite way to spend a day off! But then I'm too absorbed in the books to notice people

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Yeah, I've found I get bored going over to friends' house for dinner/movies. I like to get out more where I might actually meet new people. It's hard if your friends tend to be more the homebody type, though. Some of my friends are that, and that's fine, but I like to go out and see the world, at least be doing something.

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  • 2 weeks later...

As a shy, non-smoker or drinker, that just got out of a relationship with a foreign girl, and loves cuddling, I feel I need to respond to this. haha. Guys like you described do exist, but they are hard to find. I have no idea where to meet girls, so I figure a lot of other shy guys don't know where to go either. Most people tell me to meet girls through friends, so why don't you ask some friends if they know any cool guys like this?

 

Anyway, I know that dating sites online are just weird and normally only have weirdos or sickos on them. But, my other suggestion (even though you may think it's stupid) is not a dating site. I recommend Myspace. You can browse by your zip code and it has over 100,000,000 people from all over the world. The problem is a lot of the guys on there are sexual predators, but if you browse their profiles and talk to them and stuff before meeting them or anything like that, you might be able to find someone that is really nice.

 

I guess it's probably different for girls on there, but, for me, my ex first found my e-mail on my Myspace and e-mailed me before we went out. And, we went out for a whole year before she broke up with me. I'm bummed we broke up, but the whole experience showed me Myspace can help a shy guy like me find a girl. I hope some more people give you responses, cause I'd like to know where to find girls too. haha

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