Support needed- intimidating ex!!

[butterflycloud]

I have custody of our son and on saturday I told the ex that I am going on holiday for Christmas. I will be abck on the 28th December so the ex wont see our son on Christmas day. I havnt done this on purpose, I dont have money to take my son on holiday so my parents have offered for us to go away with them for two weeks.

 

The ex went absolutly crazy- he said that I was being so insensitive towards him. He said that he would rather our son and I stay at home in December so that he could get to see the child on Christmas day. I told him that I wasnt doing it on purpose and why would he want to deny his son a beautiful holiday.

 

If he was an involved father I would have really tried hard to make a plan to be back for Christmas but he does nothing for our son and our son isnt even that close to him.

 

What do I do??? I dread every time he calls because I know that he will go on and on about it- He is intimiodating, nasty and selfish and I know he will start threatening me with custody issues just to get me to do what he wants.

 

Im really feel disttressed- please help.

[FortunateOne]

I feel for your dilema, yet you need to stay focused on the child's needs. Do what creates a healthy and wholesome environment for for your child.

 

As for the ex's behaviour, remember you have custody; I'm assuming legal custody finalized by a court with an enforcement order. Don't let this guy bully you. You can always get a restraining order for his threats.

 

Please remember you're doing this for your child's future and for your protection if needed. Also, a male friend being present can help with any security issues. Trust in the friends and loved ones around you.

[Siriana]

He is dooing that because he's selfish and his only goal here is torturing and stressing you.

Of course that a parent might feel sad because he's unable to spend Christmas with his child - but if this is the only oportunity for a child to travel and have fun I guess beeing an adoult requires accepting that and making plans for several days after. It is not so important if it is Christmas or not - for kids it can be every day like that if they get attention. I guess your ex doesn't understand that - he is more interested in his own interests and selfish wishes.

Also, if he was a caring father - not the one day in a year father I am sure that you would be able to reach a compromise.

 

To make you feel safe I suggest seeing an attorney and asking him about these treaths about custody that your ex makes. What are objective chances for him to seek for custody and to get one. Don't get intimidated before you inform yourself about what he can do if he can at all.

 

Also I suggest to arrange that every time your ex comes to pick up a child some of your friends is with you (female) or a brother if you have one or a cousine (if it's male better to be a family member to avoid his jelousy - unless you get married again)

 

Good luck

[butterflycloud]

Thanks for the support - it is really needed! I just got an email from him now telling me that I need psychological help. He aslo said that he wants our son to sleep over- I had an assessment done a while ago and the psychologist said that the sleeping over process would have to go slowly because of the type of relationship that the ex has with our son.

 

I called the lawyer now- she can onlt see me next week. My mom suggested that play this a different way. She said that I should let my son sleep there and get the ex to shut up about it.,if my son wasnt happy with his first sleep over that I should get advice from the lawyer on how to stop all of this. My mom said that I should just keep quiet about December for the moment.

 

Im so upset though- I just want to protect my child and I wish that the ex would just walk away from us completely!!!

[FortunateOne]

Don't be passive aggressive about this, be proactive and set the rules that will determine a safe and sane future for the both of you. Go see the attorney and remember to stay strong in your what you do.

[DN]

Be careful how you proceed. Remember that a court will set custody, support and visitation rights. Unreasonable behaviour by either party will be viewed in a bad light by the court. And the court will often determine such things as who gets the child over holidays and are not overly sympathetic to parents who appear to be depriving the other parent of seeing the child on special occasions. .

[Siriana]

Save his messages - it could be important to have them in the future. Also be patient about how to proceed till you her from your lawyer. Could you somehow arrange to meet her sooner? By explaining it is somewhat urgent - you could try that.

[butterflycloud]

Ill tey to get to see her earlier.

 

Im just so worried about my son- he is so insecure with is dad and if he sleeps over at his dad I wont be there to protect him- I know that his dad wont abuse him but I dont want my son to feel insecure with me not being there.

 

Yet as my mom said- maybe I should just let him sleep there once and see how my son felt about it. I also know that the ex wont always want our son to sleep over at him because he will have 'better things to do'!!

 

I feel like Im abandoning my son, but I suppose I have to let him learn to deal with his father( if that's what he calls himself)

[Scotcha]

In the custody arangement my son's father and I have we trade holiday's. I had him last year on Christmas day. This year it is his turn. It prevents things like this from happening because very often it is impossible to see both parents and both families on the same one day. The 25th is just a number.. Who cares if you have Christmas a little early or a little late? Maybe run this by him and and see if he'll agree to it.

[Southern_Girl28]

That's how it is with my dad. Don't feel bad AT ALL. My dad tries to act like this so called dad, but like i tell most people he's not my "dad" he's my "father" he's never bene invovled in my life, and one thing my mom has always had to do is put her foot down. One of the reasons my parents divorce was because he was so controlling and he use to abuse both me and my mom. My dad doesn't pay child support, so that is why my mom never lets him have a say in what i do and even when he does she doesn't let him have a say because shes been the one to make all the decisions why let him start now?. I mean he's put his girlfriend and their children over me and now when he has nobody he's always you never do anything with me and such. I don't want anything to do with him now, i'm an only child so i'm really close to my mom. I wish my mom was like you though tell my dad just leave us alone, she tries to keep me in contact with my dad for now, because he lives in the same city as us at times because he has two houses and he lives here when he wants to annoy me. I hate goin with him during christmas and thanksgiving to see his family i try to do at least that because my two cousins on my dads side i always get calls sayin they miss me and such and we were really close when we were younger but my dad always tells them how bad of a daughter i am because once my aunt and grandma on his side where asking me why i was being so mean and did nothing. I feel so awkward the only people i feel comfortable around when i go see his side of the family is my uncle and my cousins. Thats because they never talked about me.

Does your son have a cell phone? if not maybe you could let him have yours for the time being i know when i went away to my dads my mom got my a cell phone and a really young age because my dad would hit me and i'd sneak out of the house to call her. Well good thing so because the cell phone came in handy alot of times.

Good Luck With it!

[Siriana]

How old is your son? Can he decide if he wants to spend a day with his father? How about asking him do you want to go to your dads this saturday? Just to see how he feels about it? If he's not too young and wants to go you can let him go. And this cell phone idea is a good one. If he doesn't want to than you have a problem in case you don't have that custody thing arranged.

 

I remember that once when I was little I was suposed to go to visit my father (my parents are divorced and my father is not 100% idiot - he's pretty much normal) and I didn't want to go. I was like 5 or six. So my mother said to him that I don't want to go and he was furious about it thinking that she made me said so - but she didn't. I just didn't want to go because my father didn't want to see my mother and he was not coming to pick me up at the front door but I was suposed to meet him 100 meters away from my house. And for me beeing a 5 or six year old that was horrifying. SO I didn't want to go. And I didn't at the end.

It was a lot of drama but I am happy my mother didn't force me to go. BUt again she had no problem with custody. So this is why you need to see a lawyer ASAP to know where you stand. After you have all the necessary info you can now what to expect and what you must or mustn't alow your ex.

Also it is a good idea to see that lawyer ASAP. Try as you said - she doesn't know that you're in hurry if you don't explain that to her. I bet she will manage to find half an hour for you.

[butterflycloud]

I wish that I could give my son a cellphone but he is too young to work it. My son doesnt want to go to his dad- they dont have a good relationship at all. Sometimes they get on but that only seems to be when the ex is at my place, I dont really know what happens when Im not there because the ex hardly ever takes our son out- he prfers to lounge around in my home.

 

At times my som sayts taht he doesnt like his dad and at other times he says that he does. Perhaps my only option is to let the ex take him for one night and then get feedback from my son. i know that as soon as a better invitation comes up that the ex will not want to take our son for the night.

 

He only wants to take our son to hurt me, it's not that he truly wants him, if it was then things would be different. The ex is just a control freak who reminds me constantly that our son was made from his sperm. Well in my opinion that makes him a biological father but that doesnt make him a parent!