why does my ex not want to talk about our past?

[Rickster]

It's been a year and a half, and I have yet to know what went wrong. I have little guesses and ideas, and I still don't have a solid reason. Do breakups just not have a reason? Recently, I have become on talking terms with her, and I've asked her a few questions about the past, she does reply me and it makes me a bit more relieved to understand the situation from her point of view, but it's not too detailed and there's still many things I need to understand. After telling me a bit, she tells me she doesn't want to talk about it and ends the conversation about the past. Im only asking these questions to understand what I've done wrong, if I have. And the answers will allow me to become a better person, and get a lot of things of my mind which I think about. If I don't know my mistakes, how can I improve? Also, she really never knew how I felt, I mean the real me, not the person who was frustrated and said things I didn't think of and didn't mean. So I intended to tell her about my feelings, so that we could understand each other, and for her to know that I never intended to hurt her by my actions, and for me to understand why she took those actions.

Could it possibly the memories of us being together that hurt her? Or the memories of the breakup that hurt her? Or she doesn't care much about it? Or she gets angry when she talks about it?

[KronicMan]

IMO, you shouldnt even be talking with her. the past is just gonna stir up bad memories for both you and her, of course you want answers, but they will not be the answers you want; or you will always be wanting to find out more. In Reality, if you dont have the answers dont look for them, especially in situations like this, its much better to let go.

[NJRon]

Sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. It seems she doesn't want to engage you at the depth you are asking nor does she seem all that interested in knowing the "real you" ™. However, I am sure that you will be provided ample opportunity to explore your mistakes and faults as time goes on. Focusing on her is not going to allow for that though.

[Bethany]

I agree with the above. What is past needs to stay in the past. Your ex seems to be wise to this and you would be better off taking a page out of her book and stop looking for blame or reasons.

 

Accepting that it was a year ago, you both have grown and learned from the experience, that it just wasnt meant to be,that the timing just wasnt right, etc. is the best and correct way forward if you want to maintain any form of contact with her.

 

Push it and you might push her away.

[heloladies21]

Most likely she doesn't know the answer. That's why it's so hard for her to explain it, and it frustrates her to not be able to give you what you want. In any case, as a general rule it's best to learn about relationship interactions from other than your ex.

[joyce1412]

Most likely she doesn't know the answer. That's why it's so hard for her to explain it, and it frustrates her to not be able to give you what you want.

 

i agree. she probably just felt it wasn't right but didn't have any concrete ideas or criticisms to back it up.

[Scout]

Is it possible you're asking the same questions over and over, even if by simply rephrasing them? If so, it may be that she's simply weary of explaining everything repeatedly.

[pacopaco]

I think sometimes, people either have way too much to deal with, or they just can't/don't know how to deal with it. When ever I speak with my ex, it's kind of the same thing. she'll say something like "i don't want to talk about this." which then makes me ask, what the hell else is there to talk about?

It's true about wanting answers. I'm working on it now. there are things I'll never know, and I shouldn't be going around looking too hard to find them. It'll all come out ion the wash someday, I think. either through talking (which we are not) or through my own piece of mind, which is the one i trust.

[moonflowers]

Everybody's got their own style of coping, and whether it's healthy or not, it works for them - maybe your ex is like mine, someone who'd rather ignore the pain because it's too much for them to handle on the surface.

 

Have you clarified to your ex the reasons for your questions? I do know that my ex was more open to answering my questions when I made it clear I wasn't trying to reunite us, give him guilt trips, or accuse him of anything. (Yes, he was seriously afraid of all three!) If you clearly state that you're just trying to figure out what you did so you can be a better person, your ex will most likely be more sympathetic. It might not translate to "helpful" if the ex doesn't really know the reasons herself yet, but it does leave you on a much better footing.

[joyce1412]

to state the obvious, it can also be super hurtful to get the answers to your questions.

 

when i asked my ex during our breakup, "what did i do wrong?" he was very willing to tell me. i wanted to know because i thought we were working on reconciliation, but the kicker is, at the time i think he was pretty confident he was going to break up with me anyway, and he STILL told me the things he didn't like about me.

 

it ultimately made me very self-conscious, and his assessments still make me horribly insecure sometimes, even though they all contained some degree of bullsh*t. he was definitely reaching in the things he was blaming me for, but that doesn't mean what he said didn't really, really hurt.

 

it sucks to hear criticism from the person you love, especially when you know that the criticisms are (at least in his mind) the very reasons behind his decision to leave you. it was literally the hardest thing i've ever had to hear.

[Rickster]

I really like your posts guys.. & girls. Im not so afraid of hearing what I had done wrong, I mean its the only way I'm ever going to learn and make myself better. I know the stuff I did wrong during our relationship, but just not during the break-up and after, and I was working on the stuff I was doing wrong, which was my anger and my sudden change of mood. I'm a guy, so I don't have PMS or some sort. I think it's got something to do with me being a Gemini.

it sucks to hear criticism from the person you love, especially when you know that the criticisms are (at least in his mind) the very reasons behind his decision to leave you. it was literally the hardest thing i've ever had to hear.

 

It's true. Actually I've heard a couple of things from her, but it had alot of crap content in it, or maybe it wasn't the things I had expected the reasons of a break-up to be. She gave me reasons like she was 1 and a half years older than me and such. This girl was my first, and it did hurt me for a year and after talking to her after the break-up she sounded like I never knew her at all, like an exact opposite of her personality and her beliefs were totally different from when I knew her, which hurt me most because I couldn't believe she had changed so tremendously, it was like as if the relaitonship I had was a lie.

But I'm fine, I understand she wants to be with this new guy, and I can't make someone happy if they can't get what they want.

 

Everybody's got their own style of coping, and whether it's healthy or not, it works for them - maybe your ex is like mine, someone who'd rather ignore the pain because it's too much for them to handle on the surface.

 

Have you clarified to your ex the reasons for your questions? I do know that my ex was more open to answering my questions when I made it clear I wasn't trying to reunite us, give him guilt trips, or accuse him of anything. (Yes, he was seriously afraid of all three!) If you clearly state that you're just trying to figure out what you did so you can be a better person, your ex will most likely be more sympathetic. It might not translate to "helpful" if the ex doesn't really know the reasons herself yet, but it does leave you on a much better footing.

 

Not exactly, no. I haven't clarified why I wanted to know, but I had already planned to tell her why (I'm quite forgetful at times). Maybe you are right, maybe she is trying to ignore the pain. I think she really knew how much I hurt. But you could be right about her not knowing the actual reasons and thereforeeee not being able to explain it.

 

 

I do try to talk about other stuff, which has no relevance about our past, but sometimes it's hard to find things to talk about because I hardly know her now and it's not like she would tell me about her day and such. But I do hear she's very happy with her lifestyle now. I ask her questions about the stuff she does now and things. Just to know her a little bit better once again. After talking to her and telling her how I truly felt, she did say we still could be friends. So I hope I don't pressure her too much about these questions that I just want to know for my own good, that is just my real intentions out of it.

I know that people will critise me about not letting these memories go and forgetting about answers that will answer my clouded mind. You see I just over-analyse things too much sometimes, it's the way I work. And just not knowing exactly what happened keeps me agitated.

 

Your ex seems to be wise to this and you would be better off taking a page out of her book and stop looking for blame or reasons.

 

I can't possibly blame her on the incident, nor can I blame myself fully. I guess break-ups are just a mass of wrong doings from both parties. And I don't see this as a way to blame each other. After the break-up I did a lot of things I couldn't imagine myself doing, I don't think I was conscious about what I was doing. And I don't want her to think that I was really this person. And I have already told her about it, and I'm quite happy telling her.

 

 

Thanks guy, I appreaciate your feedback