emails to ex girlfriends

[Rabican]

Yeah I logged into his account & read this, they have been friends & sexual partners off & on for 10 years. I can't say anything to him about cause he'll know i've logged into his account, I should never have done it. I'm just so suspicious of what he's saying to his ex's. She called him 1 month ago after she found out we got married & asked him if he would divorce me & marry her. He was furious at this, I kno he isn't interested in her, he's just a terrible flirt over email & txt with her....awh man, it makes me sick to my stomache.

 

Here is what I would do. Confront him and say this, look I know YOU are going to be upset but you have NO RIGHT to be mad at me. I had a hunch that something was amiss with you and your ex so I checked your account and this is what I found. You are married to me, and you have no right, and it is downright disrespectful and wrong for you to be speaking to her like that. Him being mad at you, is like a criminal being mad at the police for them catching him doing something wrong. You know what is acceptable to you, and your relationship and this does not qualify. Do not let him turn it around and act like its your fault.

 

Give him another chance? Up to you, sounds like this has happened before so Id question his response if he says it wont again. I would probably say either they have no contact or you have no relationship anymore.

[Rabican]

missed your last post... good that he showed you the email. He showed that he is at least being somewhat honest, however unless he is dumb as a brick he should have known that he shouldnt be talking to her like that.

 

I would tell him that you are not comfortable with their relationship, and that IF (THATS A BIG IF) they continue to talk, that the dirty talk has to completely go. If the friendship is not strictly plutonic from here out, and I do mean forever that the friendship has to end.

 

Plutonic friends are always ok. Once that friendship crosses into the realm of sexual tension, emotional affair, lying, cheating, talking dirty or any of the above, then its time to end it.

[ginger111080]

missed your last post... good that he showed you the email. He showed that he is at least being somewhat honest, however unless he is dumb as a brick he should have known that he shouldnt be talking to her like that.

 

I would tell him that you are not comfortable with their relationship, and that IF (THATS A BIG IF) they continue to talk, that the dirty talk has to completely go. If the friendship is not strictly plutonic from here out, and I do mean forever that the friendship has to end.

 

Plutonic friends are always ok. Once that friendship crosses into the realm of sexual tension, emotional affair, lying, cheating, talking dirty or any of the above, then its time to end it.

 

I totally agree....

 

He doesn't like the idea that i'm trying to tell him to stop speaking to her, he doesn't see why being married & having a wife should stop him speaking to her because he say's there is totally nothing in the way they speak & they have done this for years & that he didn't mean anything in saying that to her. I'll never know his true feelings about all of this, he told me he has nothing to hide & is quite happy to show me every email that goes back and forward.....but till time passes & these emails are checked i'll never feel like I can trust him.

 

Maybe i'm just being paraniod, i'll never know, but I get anxious everytime he checks his email & wherever he gets a txt. She will txt him once in a while, that's another thing that makes me uneasy!

[ginger111080]

Maybe I'm naive about all of this but I think it's a very good sign that your husband showed you the e-mail right away. If he truly thought it was wrong I think he would have avoided letting you read it at all.

 

I was going to say when I read your original post about this that even though in is totally inappropriate to say that to another female I could also see how it could have been done innocently enough... Because he did mention that she was moving to be with a guy and so I personally took it that it was a sexual joke about her and another man, not her personally.

 

I would moniter it.. Not so much caring about her replys but rather to see if he respects your wishes now that you have made them clear and he knows it is unacceptable in your relationship.

 

 

Thanks, that sounds like a good idea....this whole situation is tearing my world apart, he has had plenty opportunities to marry her but he chose me, so I guess I should see it more like how you see it instead of being all jealous.......the thing is, if I tell them to stop speaking she's gonna bad mouth me to him & it's going to make me look like the bad one, I don't want to give her any ammo on me, or give her the satisfaction of talking about me to him & start poisoning his mind....he's lied to me a few times about speaking with her, this is why i'm so uneasy, before I moved in with him I was living with his mother, when we got our house and I moved down to where I am now, I saw all these texts on his phone from her, his face went bright red when I questioned him about it. I nearly ate him alive, she was calling me a bith etc,etc!....just because he chose me to marry him not her....I wanna call her & ask her what her problem is!....I better not though!

[ImThatGirl]

Here is how I see it.

 

They've had a fling off and on for 10 years, sounds like emotional, physical, verbal. Fine if he wanted to continue on that road for the rest of his life if he were the only one to consider.

 

But that's not the case. He brought you here, married you, wants to be with you. It's time for him to cut ties with her. There's no reason for him to continue a "friendship" with someone who obviously doesn't respect either one of you.

 

He needs to respect your feelings. Even if they are harmless, they cross the line and make you worry at least a little and probably feel somewhat unstable in your relationship and insecure.

 

Good luck and hugs!

[ginger111080]

Here is how I see it.

 

They've had a fling off and on for 10 years, sounds like emotional, physical, verbal. Fine if he wanted to continue on that road for the rest of his life if he were the only one to consider.

 

But that's not the case. He brought you here, married you, wants to be with you. It's time for him to cut ties with her. There's no reason for him to continue a "friendship" with someone who obviously doesn't respect either one of you.

 

He needs to respect your feelings. Even if they are harmless, they cross the line and make you worry at least a little and probably feel somewhat unstable in your relationship and insecure.

 

Good luck and hugs!

 

Thanks so much for your comment, your so right. The thing is, some men do not understand things how we see it, he doesn't see anything wrong in what he's doing full stop, cause as far as he's concerend he aint doing anything wrong, thereforeeee he doesn't want to stop talking with her....he doesn't see how much pain it's causing me, some men have no understanding at all of a womens feelings and how we think. I'm hoping that all of this will fritter out.....oh I do hope!.....cause if it doesn't it's time for me to go back to Scotland.

[ImThatGirl]

Aawww - I do hope you two can work it out.

 

I agree with you. Sometimes, men just don't get it. I'm sure there are times that we over react or don't get it too - as women. But this is where communication comes in. As long as you can keep the communication open and confront him in a positive manner, maybe you can help him to understand how this makes you feel.

 

We're here for you!

[Siriana]

They understand trust me. They are not stupid they are just beeing selfish.

[asianlkp22]

MYSPACE is bad NEWS for people who are in a relationship PERIOD......I was on myspace myself since it started, it wasn't so bad back then, then all of the sudden it just INCREASED and GOT BAD.....

 

I am sorry for that happening.....he's probalby thinking since he can't do it to you, why not do it to someone that he's been intimate with once before.Not saying that it's right for him to do. But to prevent him from doing that, try doing something kinky to him to keep his mind away from doing that through myspace with an ex.

 

First,he needs to stop talking to her PERIOD. There should be no reason for him to talk to her.and DELETE his profile off of myspace.

 

Then, compromise with him, and see if you started to do things that will turn him on like that.....then he won't be tempted to do it again.

[asianlkp22]

I am sort of in the same situation.....my boyfriend is living with me and we are practically married, we have been living together for a very long time.....and he keeps on contacting his ex....no telling what he's telling her....she tells me that he says he still loves her and what not....but this only happens when he feels that something is wrong between me and him and when we are arguing....he chose me because i am wife material, she's not, she's a partier, and she's been around, and has no future, and will take him no where.........and he still calls her....it hurts me severely...but I had to put my foot down, and tell him you know what if it happens again....this is it.....I don't care if I have to move out of the city, i will to get away from you....if you do this again.....i have given him several chances......this past time, I gave him another chance and given him time to prove to me that he wants me and me in his future not her......he proved to me.....it's been 3 months and still going....it's still in my mind that he might be still contacting her....but I have to remain calm......I still have my guard up....if I catch him again....I have to leave him as much as I probably wouldn't want to, I would leave him just for the sake of my well being, if you allow it over and over again, it will continue and never end......you have to scare him.....and let him see what he will be missing once you are gone because his stupid acts.

[ginger111080]

Wow, that's exactally what's going on with me, what did your man say when you asked him to stop talking with her?....My husband thinks it's a terrible thing not to speak with her again cause he's always done it and doesn't see why being married should stop him from doing it.....I understnad what you mean by leaving someone for your own well-being, it's eating me away the fact that he's speaking with her, that much i'd rather go back to Scotland than put up with this crap!.....She's not wife material either, she too is a party animal & is the local town bike if you know what I mean! (maybe we are talking about the same girl!- hahahaha) yeah, I hate woman who seem to think it's a good idea to hang about and talk with their ex's, they know perfectly well what they are doing, she must be laughing to herself, knowing I'm going mental about the fact of them emailing, it must give her so much satisfaction....gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr I so want to email her & ask her to move on with her life.

[bunnylove]

First off your husband shouldnt be talking to ANY woman like that. No matter how he knew her, how long he knew her for, even if he was MARRIED to her before. Especially someone who he had sex with numerous times and who wanted to marry him when she found out he married you. She should not be in his life if that is their behavior towards each other. It is completely inappropriate to talk to someone like that when your married. And from what you said he has said other dirty things. They shouldnt be talking dirty over emails, phone, fax, telegram, in person, ANYTHING. And even though he is a "forward" person, he knows what hes saying and doing. There is a time and a place for that kind of talk and that is with his wife. I do believe that flirting is human nature but when it gets sexual or dirty then something else is going on.Especially if it affects your partner, then that is not normal flirting. How would he feel if you emailed someone and commented on their "hot * * * *?" And the fact that you confronted him on it and he LIED and said no, thats a red flag. If theres nothing funny going on, then why lie? I was in a similar situation, and you know what, I MADE that fake profile and i messaged him and he fell for it. And you know what? I did NOT like what i saw, but i finally found out the truth. In my particular situation, there was no other way for me to find out (guys buddies do not tell the girlfriends anything!) And then i confronted him on it (he couldnt lie about that!!!!) After some counselling we came to some agreements. No exes of any kinds (theres plenty of women to be friends with-let the people you had sex with go). No dirty talking (get that from your partner like you should). And he was dumfounded that i was in his email, and i was scared like you that he would be mad. But honestly, in the end, i caught him doing stuff. And the fact that he did get upset didnt even matter because what he did was way worse, and in the end he saw that. And another approach i did, was talk to him about concerns i had and then i asked him to SHOW me his email/phone bill to calm my nerves. So some more truth came out then (if theres nothing to hide then why HIDE IT?). Anyhow after some counselling, we now have each others passwords, we can check text messages or phone bills at any time. And youll get to the point that you wont NEED to check all that stuff. I guess if sharing everything, or talking about everything, or if he isnt willing to give up his dirty talk (he has a brain he CAN do it!!!!) or if hes not willing to say goodbye to that girl (which he should because shes affecting your relationship) then maybe its time for some help or to reconsider.

[SarahRose]

They understand trust me. They are not stupid they are just beeing selfish.

 

Oh I agree! They know. If she was doing it to him, he wouldn't like it one bit.

[Juliana]

This is like bluebeard's wife: "Oh, I shouldn't have opened that closet door. Now he's going to be angry I found the dead body!"

 

Hon, stop worrying about how angry he'll be and start thinking about how angry you are.

[Long Tall Paul]

I faced a similar situation with a now ex-gf. I got insecure, read her texts, and found a few really unsettling ones. I confronteed her - I couldn't let it go. Initially she was angry that I had read her texts, but I stood my ground and basically said that I am guilty of readign your texts, know it was wrong etc, BUT now let's talk about these texts. Over the course of a few days we talked through the texts.

 

My point here is that you have to take the rap for breaking a boundary - i.e. lookign at his stuff, but in the long run you will get everyting out in the open - if he is a decent bloke he'll forgive you for your minor misdemeanour, and you will get to hear his side of the story and put your mind at rest and establish a few boundaries.

If I were you I'd lay down the law and make him cease communications with the woman - you are what should matter to him now.

[WildChild]

My concern with this whole situation is on a few levels. First is the fact that she calls him and asks him to divorce you and marry her? My guess is that she feels inadequate to him since they have been on and off for 10 years, he meets you and marrys you within 5 months. I do believe he was upset with her phone call and the reason being is because he was so open to show you the email. He may or may not see it as being bad, but it does say a lot that he showed you. My guess is that because they have been friends (outside of lovers) for so long he may just be used to talking to her that way. However, once he married you those suggestive coversations should've ended. He knows this, and if he denies knowing that tell him he is too smart of a person not to realize it is wrong regardless of their history.

 

Second, yes it is walking a thin line, however I cannot agree with him ending all communication with her completely and to never talk to her again. Should they be talking on a regular basis? No. But it is not fair of you to ask him to never converse with her again. They both need to respect the fact that you two are married now, and she needs to face the cold reality of it all. However, if you put all those restrictions on their relationship of never talking again and he opposes this, I can only guess that they will find other ways of communicating, he will feel the need to lie to you (which so far we have found him to be forthright), and you will feel 100% worse, cheated on and hurt when you do happen upon their conversations of other means.

 

I believe at this point, and if you really truly love this man, you are going to need to back off slightly. Like you said, you two are just getting to know one another, and you have left your home to be with your husband of 2 months, and a friend of only 7. I would let him know you have thought about this a lot. You understand they are just friends, even though they had an intimate relationship. Yes, that makes you feel insecure given how long you have known one another, but you also realize how much he does love you. That her calling and suggesting divorce to you and remarriage to her appalls you, and you then questioned her intentions. But given how long they have known one another, if they did happen to speak to or run into one another you would accept that, however not on a regular basis and cerainly not in the context of the past conversations. That you want you both to focus on you two's future and happiness, and not someone or some relationship from his past.

 

Good luck sweetie!