Why is he worried about age diff?

[flutterby]

About 3 months ago I started working with a guy who is 29 and I am 21 he had just moved to my small town.

 

I am attracted to him and about 6 weeks ago I asked him if he would like to go bowling with a group of people that he didnt know that also work where we do. I asked him at the last minute practically and he said he already had pans but would take a raincheck. Well, I wasnt certain if this was a rejection or not so I never asked again.

 

The flirting continues and last week he asked me what I was doing that night and then he said he was going to a movie and did I know anyone who would like to go with him and I said I would. So we went and he is the question master! Probably just trying to keep the convo going I suppose. Walked me to my car, no kiss.

 

The next night he asked me to stop by his house on the way home from a friends, which I did and we just talked and he mentioned that he had struggled with asking me out because of our ages and I just told him about a lot of age difference relationships in our town that I knew of.

 

Sunday he gets back and I dont hear anything from him until Tuesday when I text him and say, "when are we going to hang out or did u change your mind?" He replied at 2:00 in morning and wanted me to come discuss it. Which I did and we ended up making out for the first time, no sex. The only thing he said about it was " I really like u but this whole age thing has me all jammed up" and I just said " dont know what to tell you." I ended up staying the night and he got up with me in the morning (Ihad work) and he kissed me again before I left.

 

My first question is does it sound as if he may possibly be looking for just some a** and also how can I convince him that the age diff is no biggie or is it just something he needs to work through himself and we should just keep going and see where this takes us? I really think 8 years is no big deal. Maybe he is just acting like it is a big deal so that he can use it

in the end as an excuse for not wanting a relationship and to see if he can get down my pants in the meantime? Any thoughts?

 

Maybe Im just always over analyzing and should just learn to chill and roll with the flow more.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

""I really like u but this whole age thing has me all jammed up""

 

"in the end as an excuse for not wanting a relationship and to see if he can get down my pants in the meantime?"

I am going to respond based on my personal experience and say yes, it is an excuse. I dated a guy whom was 5 years older than me and he made a big deal about it. He used it as an excuse not to committ however, I was good enough to fool around with. I would be very careful with this guy. I do not have a good feeling about his intentions. Take care.

[BornToResist]

I don't think that is a big age gap. My last bf and I were the same ages and we got along fine.

 

I don't think he's just trying to get a piece of tail because if that was the case, he would have gotten it already. He wouldn't have been so polite and not kissed you on the first date, or just made out with you when you slept over at his house.

[Dako]

What an operator!

I agree with Kellbell. He's probably a user, and makes excuses to remain distant.

[kellbell]

The thing is with the guy I was talking about in my previous post...we did not have sex for a very long time after we met, we fooled around quite a bit but he always used the age differerence as an excuse not to fully committ or not know "where things are going."

 

All I am saying is be careful. IMO, when someone truly cares, no excuses will be necessary.

[PhilliesFan001]

How odd.

 

Considering I see 8 years as absolutely nothing, I think one of two things are possible:

 

1. He is using it as an excuse because he is afraid of commitment or unsure of how he really feels. Or,

 

2. He was never exposed to any age gaps, small or large, and he isn't clear of whether or not it is acceptable.

 

In any case, talk to him. Say that you're not sure if he's using it as an excuse or if it really does make him uncomfortable. If it's the latter, assure him that 8 years is an extremely common and tiny gap. I'm sure many people would agree. Ultimately though, if he's uncomfortable with it, there isn't much you can do.

[Siriana]

Be carefull maybe he's just after sex. Don't sleep with him until it's shure what he wants. If he stays "confused" stop seeing him.

[Iceman26]

Sunday he gets back and I dont hear anything from him until Tuesday when I text him and say, "when are we going to hang out or did u change your mind?" He replied at 2:00 in morning and wanted me to come discuss it. Which I did and we ended up making out for the first time, no sex. .

 

I for one would be a little apprehensive about dating a 21 year old, but that is me.

 

In this case though, it appears that he is a squirrel looking for a nut. He called you over at 2 in the morning to "discuss" something? What couldn't wait until the next day? Can anyone say booty call?

[Siriana]

Yeah, this is a booty call. Guys don't call girls who they really like at 2 in the morning - they find some time to call in a decent time to arrange a date.

Be cautious I still think he is trying to manipulate you. 8 years is not a big gap when someone has your best interest in his mind, but if he's interested in manipulating you than him beeing 8 years older might help him in that, especcialy bacause you're 21 and he's 29. If you were 30 and he 39 than it would be harder for him to take advantage of your honesty or trust you have in other people.

[Shadow25]

what the?

 

You all base your opinions on a personal experience you've had with a guy..you all forget...not everyone is the same.

 

Take a shy guy, and a very confident guy, stick them in this situation.

The shy guy is insecure about the age gap, unsure if it's RIGHT, society leads people to believe that these age gaps are WRONG, and so he's unsure.

But also, to be fair, he may not even be shy at all, he may be confident, and be using this as an excuse.

Then take the confident guy, and he says the same thing, it's an insecurity, because society makes people believe it's WRONG, and he isn't sure if it's RIGHT, so he too is unsure, but whats to say that he's not drawing you in, trying to make you try and change his mind, whats to say he won't do that to make you...for better words...force him to go against his insecurity and have sex with you.

 

Now...both guys....one shy, one confident...both are human beings, both with emotions, both with insecurities, one with more, one with less, one who may make out he has more than he does, the other who makes out he has less than he does...

You don't know unless you take it further, and I think some people here are being a little too unfair, by judging this guy based on their experience with other guys.

 

If It were me, I could feel insecure about it aswell, I might be unsure about it, but believe me, I would probably be thinking about you all the time...especially at 2am in the morning...no I didn't word that wrong, I do mean, that I would be thinking about the situation at 2am, and I would probably really need to discuss it with you aswell, I would want you to convince me that it was OK, I would want the relationship to work, but I would need to feel comfortable about it too, rather than forced, and so in that moment, at 2am in the morning, my mind might just go "I really need to talk to her RIGHT NOW, otherwise I'm going to put it off and get nowhere".

 

Don't be too quick to jump to conclusion ladies, we arent all the same, and it's not rare for this to happen, it's more common than you would think.

It's very unfair.

 

But, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he isn't using you either...it's up to your instinct and judgement, and If i were you, I would go by your instinct, rather than your mind...I didn't follow my instinct with my situation, and things went wrong..turns out my instincts were in fact telling me the right things, I just wouldnt believe them.

So trust your instincts.

[Iceman26]

Not all of us posting here are ladies dude, and I know that when a guy calls a girl he is just getting to know at 2 AM to come over to his place that he wants a little nookie, not a heart warming conversation.

 

I am merely speculating here, but from what the poster is telling us I am guessing he has apprehension about getting into a relationship with someone of that age gap, but has no apprehension at all about getting some.

[kellbell]

I want to remind others that I did not generalize and I did write I was basing my post of my experience and only to be careful.

[Siriana]

And I want to say if someone is shy than he's not free enough to call at 2 a.m. in the morning for a talk/make out.

I am not a guy but I know how things work. It is not guy thing.It is I am into you or I am not into you thing.

Plus, you can't be worried about age gap for dating but not be worried about age gap when it comes to sex and all that with the same person.

 

So based on the info we have here I must confirm that I still have the same opinion. My advice is beeing very cautious at least.

[Siriana]

Exactly, and if you want to get it more than once with same person but without beeing in a relationship you can say you are confused about age gap and because of that unsure about dating (not about sex, of course).

 

Translation: You're hot, I want sex, I know that, I am not sooo much confused. I even know I don't want to date you. But I really, really want sex with you and I am jerk who is not honest enough to ask FWB, but I am willing to manipulate you.

[Siriana]

Yes, this was my point - that I am affraid that he is not beeing completely honest.

[bigredvick]

Yeah, this is a booty call. Guys don't call girls who they really like at 2 in the morning - they find some time to call in a decent time to arrange a date.

Be cautious I still think he is trying to manipulate you. 8 years is not a big gap when someone has your best interest in his mind, but if he's interested in manipulating you than him beeing 8 years older might help him in that, especcialy bacause you're 21 and he's 29. If you were 30 and he 39 than it would be harder for him to take advantage of your honesty or trust you have in other people.

 

it doesn't matter the age a bootycall can be made by anyone at any age, my friends do them all the time. the lil hookers. i need new friends.

[Shadow25]

well, the simple solution, DON'T give him what he wants, and if he starts acting strange...I think you can figure it out

[flutterby]

Thanks sooo much evryone for your replies and to all of you who guessed booty call... well give yourself a big pat on the back!

 

He text me a couple nights ago... again at 1:30 am to see what I was doing I just reply..sleeping.

 

Last night at a more decent time he texts again asking when we are going to hang out or should he just close the book? I told him that I was a relationship kind of girl and if he wasnt looking for the same then yes, close the book. He said he thought I was just looking for a good time like he was. I asked him what gave him that impression but he never replied.

 

I would have to assume that it was because I went over there at 2 am the first time he asked so i will never do that again.... maybe it would be okay though in an established relationship but not in the beginning.

 

But thanks again everyone for the insight and maybe someone on here can tell me what are some signs that help u detect that a guy is just in it for a "good time" only. The late night calls to come over are definitly going on my list.

[kellbell]

I have learned the hard way, a person whom is full of excuses is full of it. I am not saying this is regards of the age gap, I do not have a problem with age gaps per sae. But when someone gives you the run-around, best to keep moving forward. When someone is truly interested, IMO, he/she will make his/her intensions pretty clear and not leaving you in the middle of the road scratching your head.

 

I am sorry things did not work out. Hang in there.

[Siriana]

You handled this one great.

Well, about signs - every time when you are asking yourself what a guy thinks, is he into you or not, every time when you are not completely shure about his intentions - than you can be sure something is not right.

Never buy that story how guy is confused, unsure, scared or anything of that sort of crap. These are all excuses to get some without relationship. And stay away if there is an ex in the picture.

Oh, yes, and when in doubt come here to ask us on enotalone.