Big Mistake - Broke NC Today

[GuitarmanIII]

After having dated/seeing a girl for about a year and a half, we broke up about a two months ago. It was very difficult on many levels. She wanted to move the relationship to another notch and I hummed and hawed about it for two weeks. She begged me to date her more seriously, and I argued and toiled against it (so stupid). By the time that I'd made up my mind, she had been courted by a new gentleman...who adored her. After several dates, they were an item and I'd changed my mind about her...but too late!!

I know, at least right now, I have blown an opportunity with the girl who was my best friend, soulmate, and should have been my life partner....and the sex was awesome. There is no one like her...she is no unique. I'm afraid that I'll never be able find anyone so interesting again... I wanther back soooo badly it hurts.

Anyhow, after a week and a half of NC I broke it today...I feel so bad about it now because while it was nice to get what may have been further closure, I may have to start healing all over again. Just hearing her voice gave me nice feelings. What Happenned: I emailed her this morning to apologize for a nasty MSN name I'd used (against her) last week. She subsequently asked me to call her to chat about it. I did.

She is now dating a new guy (about a month)...I knew about him and he already knows about me. However, becasue of my NC she had been feeling lousy. In order to maintain some level of honesty with her new BF she told him that her and I had had sex since they started dating (true). The sex happenned on three occasions...partly because we have a strong physical bond...and of course feelings still exist from being together for so long...maybe she was trying to give me a false sense of hope out of spite.

Anyhow, the new BF told her that that's a difficult 'trust' issue to deal with, and that his x-girlfriend wouldn't have done such a thing. However, they are still together. If I were him I'd ask myself a question....Why should I trust her now? Or I'd say...well she's really honest about things so it's ok.

I HATE this because it has once again given me a false sense of hope that I may have another chance at dating her. She says we're finished on the physical level forever, but she wants to be friends (she's mad that I've cut her off though she knows why I have). Like many people on this site, I'm overthinking everhing...I hate it!

The nice but temporary "contact" feeling is now starting to wear off and my heart feels like it's going to bleed all over my chest and body. It's like poison. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!...

I'm not sure if I'm looking for pity...I just need to share my tale.

Thanks...

[flower99]

well thank you for sharing your tale.

have you thought about why you hummmed & hawwed over it when she BEGGED you for something more....now that you've missed your oppurtunity you now are sure she was the???

do you think maybe it could be that now you only want her because you can't have her? after all, you didn't want her enough to date seriously when you had her.

 

either way i like to think there is a reason for everything.Meaning that the timeing wasn't right for you two; because maybe there is someone better for Both of you, Or maybe you just needed to figure out what you wanted and you'll be brought together later in life. But either way, there is a reason. So in time you will see, but know in your heart it will work out for the best

[Pegasus]

Hi GUitarmanIII,

 

it's not a big deal to break the NC. The thing is, you'll probably break it a few more times until your brain does not definitely understand that contacting her is too painfull. I know that - I did it myself a few times, but now I'm on NC for 39 days and don't even want to contact her anymore at all. The only contact we will have if she's the one that does contacting. You'll be just fine, don't worry too much. It will go away in time. It just must ;-).

 

Okie

[GuitarmanIII]

Thanks for you replies guys, I appreciate it.

 

Her new bf adores her but I wonder what he'll think of her having cheated a few times at the start of their relationship?? even though she told him...

 

Anyhow, I hummed and hawed for several reasons. We were friends-with-benefits for along time, but deep down I always knew that I loved her. When she told me that she was dating another guy and wanted an answer from me, pronto, it put lots of pressure on me, and I felt...exactly that - pressured. I was also looking around at other girls too much, thinking what if I could do better...when really, she is all that I have ever needed. Let this be a life lesson! Don't take people (you love) for granted.

I'm feeling bad due to the 'what-if's' mostly. She always told me that I would one day regret not dating her more seriously...becasue she knew the 'inner-me' better than anyone else (aside from my parents) and that we'd grow old happily if we ever tried...I would always ignore the comment. Well that day is here, and I'm crushed. Getting another best-friend and lover is like finding a needle in a haystack.

 

Cheers all,

G

[flower99]

((hugs))

I wish you the best Guitarman!

Keep us posted.

[Pegasus]

Dear Giutarman,

 

We all learn from our mistakes and that is just the way it is. It is pretty painfull way, I know (I had very similar situation), but you can't turn back time. What's done is done. Maybe you'll have another chance with this same girl, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll find another as good as her or even better. Who knows. It just says you weren't ready at a time she was. It happens. Nothing to blame yourself about.

 

Okie

[GuitarmanIII]

Thanks for the info Okie,

I've been beating myself up for weeks now. I know that only time and NC will help. I believe catharsis is part of healing as well. I'm glad I've found this site guys.

G

[GottaLetItBurn]

Everyone that has there heartbroken says the samethings as you. So your normal. Man it is a hard situation to be in though.

 

If she said that it over forever on a physical level, it could just be something that she needed to say to convince herself its really over. In my opinion that also might mean she means it. Who really knows, just ask yourself what does your gut tell you.

 

It wont really ever work out with that guy probably too because she cheated. Its going to catch up with that guy eventually and bug him till he cant take it anymore. Your hurting right now though.

 

You have got to cut her off. If she gets mad and calls you then you have to get all your stuff together and tell her straight.

 

Look, I l know you still care about me, but I care about you too much and it would be impossible for me to be just your friend. It's unrealistic to think that two people who have shared intimacy like we have can be just friends. I cant wait forever and Im not going to play this game where you date some other guy to show me you moved on because you didnt get your way. If you dont want a relationship with me tell me now, because Im not going to chase you. You are going to lose me forever if you dont decide who you really want, me or him.

 

TRUST ME, her trying to be your friend is a saftey net for her, she just wants you to be around her as a friend so she can get over you and ease the pain for her. Make her choose now. The time is NOW. Dont wait, dont be used as a band aid for her comfort of getting over you.

 

You need to call her on this, it sounds gamey, make her realize you are not going to stick around, that you can go live a better life with out her if she doesn't want to be with you.

[GuitarmanIII]

Thanks Gotta, your words are well taken. I agree with you on every point, and am trying to be strong...and follow the good path. Sometimes for the heartbroken, seeing the forest from the trees is very difficult. I still believe she was my soulmate...but that's neither here nor there. We live what we choose, eh?

 

All she ever wanted was to be treated like a lady. He moved fast...has taken her camping after only knowing her three weeks..and to a play. New Guy is all that and more. But he is also very jealous of me, from what I've been told.

 

My gut says it's over...My conscience knows that it's over, but my subconscious, , soul, mind, and brain chemicals have not accepted it. I believe this might feel like kicking a heroin addiction, or quitting smoking cold turkey. There is a difficult time of transition and adjustment. Time and NC...

 

Regarding the mind games...You are correct. I'm not the only one losing a best-friend, so is she. Heck, she called me at least 10 times a day for the past year..when I answered the phone. She knows she is being immature by contacting me...but because she misses me and feels guilty. She's even cried because she knows I will someday be out of her life...I am stubborn that way. I have already told her that I will forever refuse to meet New Guy (she has already tried to trick me into meeting him by asking me to go for a walk with her to pick up tickets to a sporting event...turns out it was for them! And we were meeting Him at the wicket!) I've already told her: Have all of me, or none of me. She won't budge. I can't and won't let her have the/a smooth transition because you're right. I am her safety net.

She knows the score; and for now has chosen her path. I know they are a happy pair now...and most likely longer. No more Christmas alone for her...

 

The sex...well, while she cheated it was mutually engaged. We can't keep our hands off each other when together...When I cut her off cold turkey it stopped. Now that He knows, it's really stopped.

 

No more sex, talk, or friendship...hard lines.

 

Look, I l know you still care about me, but I care about you too much and it would be impossible for me to be just your friend. It's unrealistic to think that two people who have shared intimacy like we have can be just friends. I cant wait forever and Im not going to play this game where you date some other guy to show me you moved on because you didnt get your way. If you dont want a relationship with me tell me now, because Im not going to chase you. You are going to lose me forever if you dont decide who you really want, me or him.

\

- Brilliant Quote

 

Cheers, Gotta and all.

G

[GottaLetItBurn]

Yeah thats a hard thing to ignore. You know she is calling you and that is immature and wrong, but the other part of you is jumping up in down excited because you realize she must actually miss you too to be calling. It's hard. I'm just rounded third and Im almost home, I think i could actually be friends with the girl I felt that way about. Guess what, its been a a little over a year for me.

 

I have had nervous breakdowns from her calling after I thought I would never talk to her, had to go to the doctors because I felt horribly depressed, and felt panic attacks where I just curled up into a ball on my bed. Not all just because of her, but because I tried to keep it all in. Your just doing really fine, dont ever feel like you need to hold it in or that you thinking she is your "soul mate" is wrong.

 

It isn't we all feel like it, then with a great deal of time you get perspective. You can't see how she really is right now. You are hurting, you love her, would give anything for her to come back to you. Though maybe a wiser side of you knows that if she were to come back the tension would be gone and you would soon find out that since she is all yours you dont actually want her.

 

Its the way you feel. You can not control it, its all normal though. Your mind doesn't care about anything but the fact that she is not in your life anymore. Once you have feelings for someone, you can be the smartest person on the planet, you can't think your way out of it.

 

anyway, im a little tired and feel my thoughts aren't organized right now, but just keep moving on. Do what you need to. What everyone tells you on here is just friendly advice. You will have to learn on your own through trial and error what is best for you. If you make some painful mistakes, no worries, you'll still be here tomorrow.

 

You live and you learn, sometimes life gets messed up. We are all there or have been there. You'll be okay. No matter what try and enjoy the good in your life, even if it seems there isn't much right now going you way.