WAS NOT expecting to feel like this...

[psu11]

hey everyone,

 

if you read some of my other posts, you are familiar with the fact that i've been moving on pretty well. thus far, i've handled seeing the ex for the first time, got over the urge to call him and i no longer expect him to call me. i've casually dated, stopped crying about a month ago and had light convos with him online.

 

our relationship ended solely because "he wasnt sure what he wanted" and i was fine with that.

 

today, i woke up thinking of him, and thats the first time thats happened in weeks...since then, i havent been able to get him off my mind. usually, when i think of him, its more of a "wow i wonder what hes up to, i hope hes doing well" kinda thoughts. but today, i miss and im aching for him.

 

i dont know why all of sudden after all the progress i made, im feeling down about this now. if anyone has experienced a similar sitiuation i'd love the feedback. its getting to the point where im tempted to call him, but i know that wont do anything but boost his ego.

 

ughhh...

[Jayar]

Been there, got through it... You have to expect setbacks. They could be related to an absense of a relationship in your life (in which case you're missing the relationship, not so much HIM) or even something subconscious like seeing a car like his drive by or smelling the cologne he wore.

 

In any case, calling him would be the wrong thing to do! My ex broke up with me for the same reason, because he didn't know what he wanted, and it has been my experience that basically means "I'm not happy, I don't think I want YOU, but wait around for a bit while I see if I can find someone better... If not, I'll be back!"

 

Not exactly the stuff movies are made of, is it? And certainly not worth your waiting/aching for. I know it's hard and I KNOW it doesn't make it any easier hearing from someone who isn't in your situation. But having been through this very recently I felt I had to comment.

 

Good luck!

[flooglebinder]

Ive been there before, and will be there again. I'm on day 1 of NC and not looking forward to it. My ex said she doesnt see a future in us. I know I'll see the same cars, places and perfume and I'll think about her and wonder if she's thinking about me. But I hope in time someone even better will fil my head with themselves and I'll be happy again and will have forgotten the pain. Good Luck.

[timlondon]

It's pretty similar to a hangover - waves of feeling absolutely terrible followed by feeling a bit better, then back to terrible again. There will always be ups and downs, the important thing is that there's a trend towards improvement.

[flooglebinder]

Its the time factor that worries me, last time I broke up with my ex for 8 months, does that mean this time it will take far longer? I'm ot looking forward to it.

[Donster]

PSU, we have all been there, and many of us have broken up because of precisely the same reason as you say in your post.

 

Jayar is right on the mark--they would love it if you could serve as an insurance policy for them while they play the field, look around, and see if they can find anyone better. BUT LIFE DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT!!! So you should take some steps to do something positive for yourself when you find yourself feeling this way.

 

The setbacks are part of the process...it sounsd like you have made good progress, so maintain the NC! You said it yourself, calling him wuold just boost his ego,and you would end up reaffirming to him that you are willing to serve as his insurance policy.

 

So instead of worrying about him and whether or not he is ok, take some time to worry about yourself!!! Take care of yourself, and your needs. Stop doing and thinking things for his benefit. What do you want and need in life for your own benefit?

[psu11]

thanks everyone for your advice, its a lot easier knowing other people were in the same boat as me at one point.

 

Donster i definitely agree with your "insurance policy" theory. in a way its definitely kinda offensive. its like they're saying "oh your great, butttt not great enough to stay fully committed to." through my experience and after listening to my friends in their past relationships, i realized that couples which end based on the dumper "unsure of what they want in life" typically come back if the dumpee moves on with grace. even if the dumper has no intension of getting back together with the dumpee, they pull the "i miss you" card at least once. maybe they really do miss the dumpee, maybe its just for validation on how the dumpee is doing if the dumpee appears to be in a better place than the dumper. this is all generalization, but for the most part, this is the trend im very familiar with.

[Donster]

"oh your great, butttt not great enough to stay fully committed to."

LOL, this is exactly what happened to me! I decided that I deserve better than someone who could not give me 100% committment.

 

After a few weeks apart, my ex already wanted to get back together! And I said no. He still can't guarantee me 100% committment. He said that he "thinks he can"--not good enough for me. Life is too short, and I deserve better. I won't settle for less than 100% committment. I want as much as I can give in return. And that's 100%.

 

Plus none of the issues that led to our breakup had been resolved or properly dealt with! Getting back together would have done nothing other than to buy us a few months of time, and then all the issues would have cropped up all over again. And my ex still doesn't know what the hell he wants! Mutual friends tell me he is "betwixt and between"--wishy washy in typical Pisces fashion.

 

So anyways, the pattern you observe is absolutely true!!