7 years falling apart?

[xmrth]

It's funny how every time I think to myself, wow I haven't had to post on eNotalone for a while, all of a sudden something nasty in my relationship happens.

 

I don't truly feel like we're falling apart, because we get on so well and there's so many improvements that we're riding on. I feel like it's a case of the things that have been dragging on through right along with the improvements that are ruining things.

 

I don't know where to begin. It just feels like there's so many little details, but this huge part inside of me is saying that he doesn't realize how minor these things are. I supposedly annoy him, he claims he can't stand me but it's always when he's aggravated. He has so much fun without me I think. I don't know how much he cares, but I can guess how little.

 

I feel really confused and overloaded. I go crying to him, which I know makes it easy for someone to not care-- to keep running to them the way I've been, crying, oh I love you, even though it's not even necessary to say it or cry or any of that.

I'm leaving a lot out and I might sound really vague but the problem is I just don't know where to start. I think I'm making it hard to get help but I don't know where to start. Everything has details to it.

 

Martha

[melrich]

Hi Martha,

 

I'm leaving a lot out and I might sound really vague but the problem is I just don't know where to start.

 

It is probably better not to have too much detail because it can obscure the important issues. My guess is that your instincts are telling you that something is not right but you are finding it hard to pinpoint exactly what it is?

 

I supposedly annoy him, he claims he can't stand me but it's always when he's aggravated.

 

This is probably the thing that leapt out to me. Do you mean he actually TELLS you he can't stand you? Does this happen when your relationship is hindering him from doing something else?

[xmrth]

He tells me that when he's aggravated, and he seems aggravated over the phone. It's always over the phone for the most part.

He supposedly is held back from having a life but he never tells me something's coming up and NOW he's just always bringing me with him. So I have kind of been under the impression he's fine with how everything is. And I've been under the impression that us out laughing and having fun together every weekend was fun but he says he never has fun with me and that I just aggravate him. He just doesn't care; he doesn't like me. He can't stand me anymore. I annoy him, and I'm all these horrible things.

 

He makes it seem like we see eachother every day when in reality we see eachother for like 7 or 8 hours over the weekend. I don't get it and I have no idea what to do. He can't stand me.

[melrich]

He just doesn't care; he doesn't like me. He can't stand me anymore. I annoy him, and I'm all these horrible things.

 

That's just weird! So do you ever ask him if he is feeling all those things why he is in a relationship with you? Why would he go out with someone he doesn't care for or doesn't like?

[xmrth]

He says it out of frustration and says he doesn't mean it. I think he started saying it because I told him he doesn't like me just when I used to get aggravated over something. And then one day it just started. He says he obviously cares but I am so hurt that he actually told me he never has fun with me, somehow. I don't get it. I don't know what he wants-- I thought he was happy but he always gets sick of me for whatever reason. I don't know what action to take- I don't know what his deal is.

He says I call him too much and I know that starts it up, but I only call a lot because he hangs up on me all the time before I'm done talking because he hates the phone. Not in the middle of me talking, but he just cuts the conversation short. It's better than before when we'd not talk for days on the phone, and at least now we talk several times a day. I know he hates the phone and I've always known it but I feel terrible inside when he hangs up so I call back. That makes him frustrated. And then I don't know what's up with not having fun with me... I always thought we had fun, but I guess he doesn't enjoy anything with me; I have no idea what he really means. I feel like he says things he doesn't fully mean.

[annie24]

(((HUGS))) martha - I was just thinking about you!

 

I don't know what to say right now. Is this the infamous 7-year itch I always hear of?

 

EDIT: I know people often say that you treat those close to you worse than you would strangers. I know my mother is like this. she is nicer to total strangers than she is to me or other members of her family. It's aggravating. Like, I know your boyfriend is saying this to you, but I doubt he would tell someone he doesn't know as well that they are irritating, even if they really are!

 

I think I've seen some articles on this phenomena around, if I find an interesting one, I'll forward it to you. Maybe it would have some tips on how to reverse this?

[Momene]

I'm glad that now you're old enough to go out to pubs with him, it's great but many changes (even positive ones) can sometimes require a period of adjustment. My advice is to give it a couple of months and see how it goes.

[xmrth]

I'm so afraid because I feel like the time is running out because he's telling me it's over and that he's done and he can't take it anymore that I aggravate him so much. I feel like he wouldn't be saying that if it weren't or me saying it-- I used to always say something about breaking up if he or I was aggravated, and I feel like that's another thing I got him into feeling. I only say that because he's never out of these 7 years together talked about breaking up until now in these past several months when I've thrown it around out of frustration.

 

I'm so hurt that I supposedly aggravate him as much as I do, and that he had more fun with his sibling and their s.o. some night ago, than he does with me... and that he supposedly never does have fun with me-- that, I don't get.

Then there's this family event which was all planned out (like a wedding, but it's not a wedding-- just an example) and I'm not invited. But I think he said something about probably being able to do something to bring me, but that he doesn't want me there and doesn't know why I have to be at everything. He doesn't even want to go and it's just a family thing that I'm not even crazy about, but I'd still like to go... just the fact he doesn't even want me there regardless hurts me. I aggravate him-- I don't know what I do.

 

I hope it's like that Annie : ( I think it kind of is because even I have said things I don't mean out of frustration, but he's saying things like break up and I don't know how to handle if he's serious or just frustrated in the moment...

[melrich]

But I think he said something about probably being able to do something to bring me, but that he doesn't want me there and doesn't know why I have to be at everything.

 

Hi Martha, this is that whole issue again that you thought would just go away when you turned 21 and could go to bars etc. I remember at the time so many of us questioned whether his attitude would ever really change.

 

I still see the same problem, he wants this relationship on his terms and when it suits him.

[xmrth]

He didn't just flat out say that, as it's a family matter and it called for the 4 people in his family, I'm sure he could do something but I don't know that. He just brings me everywhere with him now anyway so I don't know why he complains about how I always have to come if he answers "why wouldn't you be coming." That family thing I don't really care about.. but it would be nice to be invited. I guess 7 years together isn't family enough, but it was more of his relatives anyway, and they don't really know me. He could bring me because it's not like against the law or anything but he was just aggravated. I'm sick of him being aggravated.

[annie24]

the august 2006 issue of oprah's magazine has an article called "The Kindness of Strangers (the rudeness of spouses)." It is on page 161.

[xmrth]

Thanks, I'm definitely going to pick up a copy. Hopefully it's still out as it's August's issue. Thank you!

[xmrth]

I think the worst out of all this is that he says he doesn't have fun with me, and that he had more fun out the other night. I don't know if he meant it, but I think he did. I can't shake that at all. I'm torn up about it. I don't see how he doesn't have fun with me. What do you even say to that, what do you even do in reaction to that.

[melrich]

It's a rude thing to say and what can you say to it? Nothing. It is the sort of statement that leaves you with nowhere to go. It's not like you can sit there and try and convince him he had fun with you. He either did or he didn't.

 

What do you think he is trying to say to you?

[xmrth]

I think he's trying to say he's getting sick of me because I'm giving too much of myself to him. I think I drain him. I think he's said that before, too.

He makes it too easy for me to get carried away.

[melrich]

Maybe that is right. So what do you need to do about it? Back off the relationship a bit? Just maybe catch up once a week or so?

[Momene]

If you do split up, you're still young enough to start anew with someone else who you won't have these problems with.

[iamtheone]

Martha,

 

every time I read one of your posts about you and your interactions with your bf it's like looking into a mirror.

 

"He makes it too easy for me to get carried away."- think not about how he acts but how you respond, retrain yourself. You have to live with yourself for the next 70-odd years, don't try to change other people- change yourself. Counselling, Self help books, videos, mental exercises- there's lots you can do without having to pay a therapist. I don't know if you like to read but try one and see- the feeling good handbook by dr david burns is highly recommended (im waiting for mine to arrive).

 

The family event thing- maybe he feels obligated to take you everywhere but this ends up with you both feeling drained, so sometimes he'd rather not take you. Honey you are both emotionally drained from the way you both interact, you need to change it.

 

I used to/(still- it needs working through) aggravate my bf. Clinginess, neediness, calling a lot, blaming (these are things I do, I don't know if you do all of them)- these all drain someone, and make you both miserable. They drain YOU and then you do it more because you feel anxious/worse about yourself, you havent enough sleep from worrying etc- I've been there.

 

Analysing a relationship over and over and doing the above things do not make for a fun time. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings but you're suffering and I've been through the same, I'm trying to help you.

 

What makes for a fun time is letting go, being yourself, letting the other person be themselves without feeling obligated to be/do anything in particular.

 

Having your own life is important. I know that you have a job but I mean things which you enjoy, bring you happiness, hobbies etc which are separate from your bf- don't drop/stop everything for him.

 

I don't know what you were both like when you first started going out, but presumably you had your own interests etc which attracted him to you. And vice-versa -try to imagine if your bf was anxious, needy etc over a long period of time-- how would you react?

 

Would you say that you are different now than when you started going out? eg more insecure etc? You need to find your way back. Let your bf be and let him live his life, go to his family things etc- while you work on yours.

 

I am sympathetic for you. And for your bf, your relationship sounds stressful. But people keep posting advice and you keep not following it. I think you should go back over your old posts, take note of the advice (expecially from elektrahere) and write it down in a list. Then do those things (act on the advice).

 

Are you scared that if you feel better in yourself you won't want to be with him anymore? I used to feel that way. You're depriving yourself of a happy life Martha, either do something about it or stop asking for advice when you won't take it.

 

Respectfully,

Melissa.

[Momene]

I think a lot of it (apart from what Melissa said) that you started dating him when you were very young and you're not the same person as when you first met.

[xmrth]

I don't think it has much to do with us having been dating since we were young. We've grown individually but we've grown together. We're still kind of the same on a lot of levels, but no different from anyone else we know who hasn't changed in this way or that.

 

I don't know what to do with him; he opens up like nothing else when he's ready to say goodbye to us. There's things he can't stand that I do that he can't take it any longer, and he's so exhausted from, but it's hard to imagine and believe it.

 

I ask too many questions, I call way too much but I feel like I have legitimate reasons for each. He thinks this is how it will be in marriage and he says he doesn't want this life. But he doesn't believe that I won't have a need to call him maybe even at all if I'm living with him, and if I'm living with him and he's coming home to our bed, going out like the average Joe does, oh no. We go away, or there's a long weekend, and I don't care if he comes to see me or not by the end of it-- I've had my fill of him, but yes I love to see him anytime. It kills me to know he truly thinks this is just how it is with me.

 

And there's so much more.

 

And yeah he feels obligated and he feels trapped with me.

I think even though I've grown so much, and so many things in my life has changed, one thing does remain the same and that's the fact he's basically the center of my attention and care. And it's not even that it's just been with him-- I feel it's just how I am. With other boyfriends, though young at the time, it's just how I am. I'd change that about myself if I could.

 

I don't know what else, he seems about ready to call it quits but I don't know if he's for real, or if he's just really frustrated-- but I'm handling it like it's for real. I don't know what to do except do all I've been told but I just don't have it in me. You can't just "do."

[annie24]

hey - I know we have talked about this... but have you joined some clubs, gotten some new friends? I don't know if the relationship can be salvaged at this point, but maybe he feels you rely on him too much for your happiness? maybe if he saw that you had an entire life outside of him, he wouldn't feel pressured?

[Smile_83]

Maybe if you distanced yourself a little bit, try to keep yourself busy, and give him a little bit of space he will want to spend more time with you.

[melrich]

I don't think there is any thing more that you can do Martha. After 7 years he obviously knows you very well and it's not like you can just change who you are anyway.

 

He is the one that is having problems so he is teh one that needs to make his decisions. If I were you, I'd give him the space to do this. If you crowd him now you will just be re-affirming in his mind your dependence on this relationship.

[Momene]

I don't mean to offend you but you may have grown closer but it really sounds like he hasn't. You are basically clingy. Although some people say that's wrong, that's just how you are. It's only a problem if you're with someone who is independent. That's what ruined my first marriage but 2nd time round it's one of the things that make us tick.

 

I see you trying to cling on and the harder you cling the further away he pulls. You could call his bluff and say fine have 100% independence for good.

 

I don't like telling people to end relationships but I'm sure you can find someone who is more in tune with what you want from a relationship and not just what he is prepared to give you.

 

Good luck.

[xmrth]

It's so hard for me to back off because I want the reassurance that everything's alright and we can work with this.

 

I know that makes it worse, but it helps me to be able to concentrate. Actually, I think right now I can function properly if somethings not going well with us more than ever before, but I am still into a bad seemingly unbreakable habit of calling, and still making sure we're "alright."

 

I feel like I'd know for sure if this were flipped as to how he feels. If he were acting like me. It's hard to REALLY get a sense, but I can imagine... I think because it's gone on for so long he no longer has sympathy and just kind of throws his feelings around without any regards for mine.

 

I miss being comfortable, and I miss him calling me like he did, and I miss us being so good together. I still think when we're together we're fine but geez, who knows now with him and what he's saying. It was all of this summer that things finally turned positive. And now it's just gone. Nothing is any of my business. I'm an annoyance. I don't deserve anything.