he tells his friend about our sex life

[supersun]

my husband left his email up on our computer and i poked around. i saw emails to his friend (who also happens to be his exgirlfriend) where he complains that we don't have sex often enough. he tells her when he's had a sex dream and masturbated about it. she in turn has told him that she has had sex dreams about him, and he pressed her for more details.

 

i am not worried that he is going to cheat on me with her (though maybe i should be?). however the problem is that i am hurt that he talks about our sex life with another women, and that he instigates conversations about masturbating. i think it would be wildly inappropriate for me to email a male friend, tell him that my husband doesn't give me sex often enough, and keep him apprised of my masturbating.

 

it is out of the question for me to mention to my husband that i saw these emails. he already thinks i am a snoop so i don't want to go down that road. i suppose the most rational thing to do is just talk to him about whether he is happy with our sex life. however i also really want him to know that those types of communications really hurt me. any ideas on how i could do this? also do you think i should just let it go - are these normal and/or innocent conversations that i should not let bother me?

 

many thanks!

[BornToResist]

No, these are definently NOT normal conversations!!!

 

The only time I have ever had a converstation like that with a man, we were in a relationship, or there was something going on. I am very close with my exboyfriends and that is WAY over the line to talk about.

 

I don't really know what to tell you since you don't want to tell him you snooped. I surely would. Who cares what you did, it is very inappropriate to be acting the way he is. He should not be talking about this with another female while he is with you under any circumstance.

[flower99]

I completely agree with Born to Resist.

This is NOT normal conversations. Her telling him she has sex dreams about him and him wanting more details.....????? it probably turns him on when she says that. it doesn't seem innocent or normal conversation.

 

Personally I would tell him, "hey you left your emails opened....." Just because I don't think i would put up with it & i don't think I could ignore it. I'm friends with my ex & my sex & masterbating & dreams of eachother is something we don't discuss. It's crossing the line & I know my current bf wouldn't be comfortable with that. He shouldn't be discussing your sex life with her, you are right to feel hurt.

I'm really sorry he hurt you.

[caro33]

Completely agree with previous posters. Whole thing sounds unpleasant and sleazy, I'm sorry you have seen this exchange, can't be fun.

 

The conversation b/t them could be innocent flirting but could also be more, and in any event, is completely inappropriate. This might drive you mad with mistrust and resentment if you don't handle it direct with him. He may try to blame you for snooping but this must not be allowed to become the issue - his behaviour requires attention and changes to be made.

 

Let us know how you go, and best of luck.

[melrich]

Got to go with the others here. Your husband IS cheating on you, emotionally at least and if you are not worried about him physically cheating on you then I think you have your head in the sand.

[southerngirl]

He is having an emotional affair with his ex girlfriend. Great potential here for it to lead into something physical. So what if he found out you looked! Tell him he left his email open and you read it and that you dont approve.

 

I would be so upset if that was my husband. Girl, I feel your pain.

[supersun]

wow thanks for all the replies and concern. the content of the emails really hurt me and i'm surprised as i didn't think my husband was the type of person to do something so blatantly hurtful.

 

i got advice from a friend who said that if i don't want to get specific about having seen the emails, i could sit down with him and read through our wedding vows again. the only problem with that approach is that, strangely, i don't think he'll see the connection between the vows he took and later when he writes emails.

 

anyway thanks again for the input. i have some thinking to do about how to approach this situation.

[BornToResist]

I encourage you to confront him.

 

Why should you have to hide your pain and discomfort while he continues on, doing something he obviously shouldn't be?

 

Who cares if he thinks you're a snoop? He's the one who looks like the cheater.

 

Either way, good luck. Stay strong!

[flower99]

wow thanks for all the replies and concern. the content of the emails really hurt me and i'm surprised as i didn't think my husband was the type of person to do something so blatantly hurtful.

 

i got advice from a friend who said that if i don't want to get specific about having seen the emails, i could sit down with him and read through our wedding vows again. the only problem with that approach is that, strangely, i don't think he'll see the connection between the vows he took and later when he writes emails.

 

anyway thanks again for the input. i have some thinking to do about how to approach this situation.

 

 

Yeah that might be a good idea. Well that IS a good idea. But I also have my doubts that he'll make the connection.

Wish you the best in however you choose to handle this!

l

[supersun]

thanks all!!

[moonbeam111]

Yes just tell him that you noticed "BY CHANCE" that he emailed his ex about your sex life. Do not blame him or accuse of anything. Be curious.

[jazzgirrl]

I agree with Moonbeam...and if you have a shared email account...this will work even better. Tell him that the email bounced back...and you opened it thinking it was for you...that's how you noticed it "by chance".

[BornToResist]

I found my ex was doing a bunch of crap on the internet that was wrong. I discovered it by chance, but he thought I snooped. I told him "I didn't, but so what if I had, it doesn't change what I found."

 

You are not in the wrong here honey.

 

Anyways good luck with whatever you decide. You deserve to be treated right.

[Stambler]

If he's confiding in another woman, then your communication is broken! He should be telling you about those concerns. I could understand him telling one of his guy friends that he doesn't get it enough (ya know, barbershop talk), but emailing a girl friend???? Talking about masturbation and sex dreams - that's an emotional affair then some!

 

You must confront him; perhaps find a way to do it without letting him know you were snooping. He WILL be embarrassed, so expect a defensive reaction...

[Rabican]

highly innapropriate stuff there... either confront him with it now and make sure it stops. or do some surveilance and find out if theres anything else to worry about.

 

however, just dont let it go, its not something you normally talk about to a 'friend' of the other sex. It would be one thing if he was telling one of his guy friends how lucky he was that you were such a freak in bed... but what hes doing seems like he is treading on thin ice... first hes telling her about his sex dream then they are flirting, next thing you know itll be phone sex....

[supersun]

i admit was really surprised that every reply here said these emails were wrong. i got to thinking that maybe i overstated the content of the emails? i still haven't decided what to do and keep going over things in my mind. sometimes i come close to saying something to him but then suddenly decide against it.

 

here's more details on the emails. first, he writes her and says can she recommend an antidepressant that will lower his sex drive, as his is higher than mine. she writes back and discusses medications. (yes, there are issues to explore there re: depression, but let's set that aside for now).

 

next, she writes him and says i had x-rated dreams about you. he replies and says oh give me details. i don't know if she wrote back or not - i didn't see the emails but perhaps he deleted them.

 

in the third set of emails, he writes her and says i had an x-rated dream and spent a long time in the shower; such is married life. i don't know what her reply was, if any.

 

i don't know if knowing these details would change some of the opinions here. sorry, i didn't mean to be misleading at all!

 

i keep flip-flopping. on the one hand, i think that girlfriends discuss their sex lives with each other, so shouldn't guys be able to vent to their friends, even if they happen to be girls? but on the other hand, i'm irate that in essense he is telling his ex that i don't satisfy him sexually - and it obviously opens the door to racier emails, as she then felt free to mention her sex dreams. i am also becoming increasingly mad at the exgirlfriend - i think it shows a lack of respect for me, for her to speak to my husband that way. now i want to tell him that i refuse to spend time with her (doesn't happen often, as we live in different states).

 

i'm trying to get the right perspective on this situation, and still deciding on a course of action. i do agree that i need to nip this in the bud before it goes further. i really appreciate all the input and concern showed here. you guys are wonderful. thank you

[anydaynow]

Your clarification doesn't really make the situation sound any better, unfortunately. I would consider this emotional infidelity. The e-mails seem racy enough as it is.

 

It's not so much that he is discussing your private life with her. I even think it would be different if it was a guy friend. But an ex-girlfriend!? I think the worst part of it is the reporting of x-rated dreams and the probing for details. This is soo inappropriate.

[supersun]

thanks. i guess i need to face the music already!

[ImThatGirl]

Sweetie, I know you love him but don't justify this. And don't be afraid to confront him about this.

 

Marriage should be something where you feel open to communicating about anything. I think you should talk to him before this goes any further. I guess I don't see a problem with guys talking to guys about s life or girls and guys, whatever. But they have crossed the line here. Those are things he should be talking to you, his wife, about. He will certainly try to pass off the blame and criticize you for snooping. You can respond "let's keep the focus on the real issue here. You crossing the line and what we need to do to keep our communication open and bonds strong."

 

You have every right to feel betrayed by both him and her. These are not normal, innocent conversations. Nip it, Sweetie!

[ImThatGirl]

Maybe you can even start the conversation with something like:

"I think maybe we need to discuss our relationship and some boundaries. Do you agree that if there is something that would hurt you if I did it, you shouldn't do it either?" And go from there...? There has to be a way. Just keep the ball in your court and get this settled.

[supersun]

hi all

 

wanted to give you an update. last night i confronted my husband about the emails. i told him that he left his email open and i saw some inappropriate conversations between him and this women. i said that i was shocked that he would talk like that with someone and that it hurt me very much, and that i thought his friend disrespected me and our marriage by telling him she had sex dreams about him.

 

he was very contrite and said it was wrong of him. he said he had already discussed this with the woman and that they agreed it had to stop. he said she understands how important i am and our relationship is to him. he said all the right things, that he loves me, is sorry he hurt me, etc.

 

he did not say anything about me having looked at his email. i nevertheless apologized and said that i was sorry for getting into his private stuff and that my curiosity got the better of me. he said don't even worry about it.

 

well, i feel much better and i thank you all for your replies. it helped me get perspective on the situation. i'm still wary about his words - he now says that he is sorry and it has stopped, but he previously made all kinds of promises to me (including wedding vows!) that this would not have happened in the first place. well, that's all for now. at least i know i have a husband i can openly communicate with.

 

thanks all.

[flower99]

Well I'm glad you got it out & did discuss it with him. that's wonderful news.

 

Keep your eyes open, cause really how come he didn't save the conversation where he discussed how they should stop?

either way I wish you the best & glad you two can communicate well

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you for the update! Sounds like it went better than expected.

 

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