Has anyone fallen back in love with their spouse after having fallen out? Affair?

[Human]

I've been married almost 10 years to a wonderful man (provides well, is nice, great dad to the kids, etc.) and we have 4 kids. There was a time when I was IN love with him...wanted to be with him all the time, be physically close to him. That time is gone. Intellectually, I feel like he's a good match, but I don't feel it emotionally anymore. I can't tell you how much I wish I did, though. Clearly, something is missing and I haven't the faintest idea how we can fix things. At this point, many other men attract me...and I feel so exhilirated and alive when I think of being with them. When I'm with my husband, I literally feel a bit grossed out sometimes (despite that he is not bad looking or out of shape)...and inside, I feel...so empty.

 

Have any of you fallen out of love with your spouse and then been able to fall back in? How'd you do it?

 

Those of you who have had affairs, was it worth it? Did it fill that need that your spouse could not fill? I don't want to hear about what a sin it is to cheat, how it's morally wrong, etc. (it doesn't really help me to try and follow some "rules" b/c it's morally correct and at the same time, feel like I'm half dead inside) Nor do I want to hear about what a selfish person I am, etc. (am I selfish for wanting to be happy?--and no, it's not that I want to be happy no matter the cost to other people... do people really have a complete choice in deciding what makes them happy and what does not?) It's not that there might not be truth to any of this...but it's too simplistic a view and it makes me think that you have never experienced what I am experiencing...and hypothesizing about what I may be experiencing just isn't going to cut it. You think that I WANT to feel this way? No way! But it's difficult to push myself towards my husband when my gut doesn't want to...and yet, I don't want to dissolve the marriage and force my kids to have only one parent each night, holidays with one or the other... If I did not have children, I think I'd have left already...

 

Recovery, are you there? I would particularly like to "talk" with you...

[Beyondthesea]

I feel so exhilirated and alive when I think of being with them

 

Have you explored why this is exactly? What is missing from your relationship with your partner that you feel someone else can fill?

 

Did you consider perhaps this is just the way a relationship goes? Certainly it may not always be peachy or exhilirating, but it's a long term relationship...

 

Do you enjoy each other's company, etc?

 

Will keep reading...good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Human]

"Have you explored why this is exactly? What is missing from your relationship with your partner that you feel someone else can fill?"

 

"Did you consider perhaps this is just the way a relationship goes? Certainly it may not always be peachy or exhilirating, but it's a long term relationship..."

I've tried, but I can't quite figure it out. Part of it must be b/c they are "new" and a mystery (which, of course, is likely infatuation and bound to pass). The other part is that they notice me. They think I'm funny or smart or give me compliments. I've told this to my husband (who USED To be touchy-feeling which I loved)...but when he does it now, it feels "forced," like something he has to remember to do... It's not just my husband, I don't think I'm giving him these compliments freely either. Of course, I'm not attracted at the moment, so...? If this is the way long-term relationships go...then it's sad that something so wonderful (that is, the infatuation feeling) can't be experienced at least from time to time throughout life

 

Do you enjoy each other's company, etc?

Yes...We get along pretty well. Love particular activities together. But, can't I get this with my brother or a platonic friend instead? We don't spend a lot of time together lately b/c I have so much work to do...but also, he's not so good at coming up with "interesting" and "fun" things to do. That was usually me...and I suppose I'm a bit tired.

Will keep reading...good luck with whatever you decide to do.

thanks

[DN]

It almost seems as if you are seeking permission or validation for cheating on your husband. I doubt you will get that here from many people.

 

Marriage is not all about you - it's about your partner as well. And the children. There are times in any marriage where things don't go well for one reason or another or thoughts stray. That is the time to concentrate on the marriage and put the emotional energy that you spend thinking about other people back into the marriage. Many people who leave a marriage for the reasons you describe end up regretting it - or end up in a succession of unfulfilling relationships looking for something that doesn't really exist.

 

You say that you don't want a simplistic view from people who haven't experienced what you are going through. But is is simple. It may not be easy but it is simple. And that is the difference you are overlooking.

 

Many people have an over-romanticised view of what marriage is about. But it takes commitment, work, an unselfish attitude from both people. It takes negotiation and compromise resulting from good communication skills and it takes a commitment to honouring the vows that you took when you got married - honouring your word. An old-fashioned concept perhaps in these days of disposable relationships but it worked for many people for many centuries.

 

You may ask what experience I may have that relates to yours and the answer is a marriage that has lasted for over thirty years. And it lasted because both of us worked through many difficulties and problems; including ones similar to yours and more besides. Without cheating.

[Human]

No, I am definitely not looking for "permission" or "validation." I want to know if it actually ever helped anyone feel less empty. Or, if it's always backfired and hurt everyone involved.

 

I appreciate your thoughts on the matter but could you give me specific examples? That is, I'd like to "concentrate on the marriage" and "put the emotional energy...into the marriage" but I don't know what this means anymore. Of course, I've thought of my marriage (and it was much more than a "passing thought") and what could be done to spice things up...and have tried those things...and they haven't worked. Those activities have felt "forced."

 

We don't fight or have issues conducting our lives. Passion is missing...but so you're saying that even if I don't "feel" in love, that I need to continue being committed b/c I gave those vows when I married? I'm not sure that I agree with this thought.

 

I know that many people have stayed together...moreso in the past than these days...but that doesn't mean that they have stayed together happily. I'm looking for a HAPPY marriage. How do you--CAN you--create passion again when it has died out? This is what I'd like to know...and you may very well know the answer b/c you said you and your spouse have had similar issues. Did you ever feel "unattracted" to your spouse (for no rational reason)--and if so, what did you actually do to overcome this?

[DN]

There is much writing about what being in love means. For some people it's the adrenalin rush they feel when seeing their partner, the feeling that this is the one person they would be with for the rest of their life - who fulfils them or completes them.

 

In my opinion that feeling rarely lasts. It should be replaced by a much deeper feeling of respect, abiding love and commitment. The realisation that marriage is not about two people becoming one but two individual people sharing their lives while maintaining an independence. You don't have to need that person to continue living happily - but you would much prefer that they are in your life than out of it.

 

That takes on a deeper meaning for me than a transitory 'chemical reaction'. That chemistry may be necessary to start with but it won't sustain a relationship on it's own. So that means you have to explore a different way of conducting the relationship.

 

You have only been married for ten years - and it seems like a long time to you. But really it is not - and if you can commit to the marriage in a determined way with a new outlook on what marriage is really about - you may well find yourself truly surprised at the reaction from your husband.

[RayKay]

Have you gone to marriage counselling together? Have you talked to him about how you feel? Have you considred maybe you feel this way as you lost your sense of self and rather than pursue other men, you need to pursue whom YOU are as an individual (ie with your passions/hobbies/interests)? Have you lost the connection of learning about one another as you becamse parents and need to find this again?

 

Let me just say, that marriage is not about just you being happy. Especially not when there are children involved. Being happy is not something that comes from your marriage or your partner, you need to make your own happiness, and bring to the marriage that sense of commitment and partnership. Not all marriages work out, but I sure think that more people need to give more effort to it first, and I can say that having an affair is not "effort".

 

As a child of parents whom divorced due to infidelity, I will tell you that it will hurt your children terribly, it will teach them what "love" is, it will probably affect their future relationships. And the chances are as they grow up and find out what happened, they will resent you greatly. I love my father, but I have no respect for what he did to my mother, and to us kids by having affairs. My sister won't talk to him at all. Believe me, we WERE much better off when my parents did part, then to be in a family where one parent was hurting the other so much, and in turn us.

 

Sure as time passes attraction can peak and wane....it takes concerted effort to keep passion and connection alive. It takes keeping in touch not only with your own individuality, also in connecting with your partner. Sometimes making a marriage last and be happy is knowing that happiness is created...not given. Love is not just a feeling - it is ACTION...even when you don't feel the butterflies.

[Relationship Coach]

Hello...I can say that cheating or stepping out on your husband and family is much uglier than the thought of sleeping with your own husband. Marriages can drift at times when needs are not being met. In this case I'm not even sure your husband is aware of your lack of desire for him. Marriages can often be saved by putting your focus in the right place. Get the book "The Art of Marriage Maintenance" By Sylvia Karasu, M.D. and T.B. Karasu, M.D. it will certainly better help to explain what you are going through and why in addition to putting the passion back in to your marriage. Another great book is "Your Long Erotic Weekend" By Lana Holstein, M.D. and David Taylor, M.D..

 

The grass isn't greener and you need to solve your problems, not create new ones!

 

RC

[candy604]

Cheating is not an option and it's not worth it in the end, don't ever do it!!!. You need to rebuild your relationship up with your husband slowly. Get some counselling first.

 

Have you talked to your husband about your concerns? how does he gross you out? is he able to change some behaviours that gross you out?

 

My dad fell in love with my mom again after they were able to spend more time with each other ( without the kids), talked and just chat ( no arguments). It's possible, but you just have to work hard at it.

 

Do you take vacations with him? share about your day ( besides the kids) or go on dates? talk and have deep convos? I think your probably missing that life you had before the kids. Kids are a handful.

 

Good luck!

[Human]

Yes, that adrenalin rush...I remember learning that it dramatically declines during the first few years of a relationship. But does it decline to zero? Is this how it is for most of you, even for the happily married? It seems a shame to never experience such a great thing for the rest of one's life...but maybe that's indeed what "normal" marriage is. I really don't know.

 

I have indeed shared my concerns, my lack of interest with my husband (very painful conversations). The problem is that we're not sure exactly how to fix it. We thought we were doing pretty well...we made sure to have some "dates," etc., but...of course, those dates are limited when you only have so much energy to stay awake (since you know the kids will be up by 6 AM the next day)... A get-away weekend would be nice but who has the money to go away and hire someone to take care of 4 children under the age of 8?

 

How does he gross me out? I don't quite know how to explain it. At times, when he touches me, I just want to move away. I don't quite know when this started happening. Has no one else experienced this? I'm pretty sure it has to do with my lack of emotional attraction...but I don't know why I should not be attracted. He's a very nice person. Maybe I need a dangerous, exciting person (who is unlikely to be able to sustain a relationship).

 

As for marriage not being about me just being happy...true, but then, if I'm not happy, no one gets the best of me. Have I lost myself? I don't think it's so much that as I live my life with obligations and having just an hour to myself--just to myself--just doesn't seem to "fill me up." But that's what can happen when you have so many kids and a competitive career I guess...wish there were another way... Yes, you could be right that I miss those days of fun, long conversations, etc...and sometimes, it's so tempting to just give in to offers of some fun... and frankly, it just seems a bit weird/unnatural to "work at having fun" ...

 

Yes, I'd like to focus on my husband and fall in love with him again...but I've never had to "force" myself to be attracted to someone before. If the institution of marriage is so "good" or evolutionarily advantageous, why does it seem such a challenge and so much work to get it working well?

[scornandtorn]

Don't have an affair. It is the most devastating thing that could ever happen to someone. Trust me I know. If it really grosses you out then take a break from intamacy until you both have a grip on the relationship. But dont cheat. My ex wife cried the last time we made love, and it really gave me a wakeup call. I thought I could fix it and would have done anything to make it right, but the damage was done, she cried from the guilt of having an affair

[Human]

Hmmm...yup. That was a stupid moment (lasting months). How could I have ever entertained the idea that an affair was a good idea? A divorce would be better (esp. after reading how terribly people are suffering from having been betrayed). And even better than divorce is really remembering the commitment we vowed. I guess I didn't take it seriously enough...it's when things get difficult that I have to remind myself that that vow was for real, that I chose him for a reason (actually, many good reasons). Wish me luck as I focus, focus on reconnecting with the husband who deserves a better wife...

[Relationship Coach]

I wish you all the luck in the world and those two books I suggested are great.

 

RC

[nursepatty]

There was a time when I was IN love with him...wanted to be with him all the time, be physically close to him. That time is gone. Intellectually, I feel like he's a good match, but I don't feel it emotionally anymore. I can't tell you how much I wish I did, though. Clearly, something is missing and I haven't the faintest idea how we can fix things.

Those of you who have had affairs, was it worth it? Did it fill that need that your spouse could not fill?

 

Human,

 

I have had these very same thoughts, only mine has gone beyond what your situation is and I struggle everyday on how I can fix my life. Believe me, an affair is not the answer. It will only make things much worse. I will tell you my story. My husband and I had little time to see each other already and I was feeling as you described in the beginning of your story. My husband had asked me on occasion if I was having an affair because of my disinterest. I was not but like you I didn't know how to fix it.

 

I went back to school 3 years ago to become a nurse. I got into a nursing program through a local hospital where everything was paid for. The only hitch was that I would have to take classes for 2 straight years including summers with around 18 credits a semester. I had been married for 12 years at this time with 2 children 8 and 11. My husband and I discussed this and we both knew it would be tough. My husband works in a vegetable packing plant, so during the pack we do not see him very much. The pack can last from May to December. I was going to try to stay working nights as an assistant manager of a local hotel.

 

We had some very close friends that we did everything with. One of the men had a birthday around the same time as mine. On our birthdays we would always do something special. We decided to go out of town for our birthdays, get hotel rooms, and go out for an evening without kids. I am not proud of what happened but during our evening one of the men starting coming on to me. Before the night was over I actually had sex with this man while my husband watched. I felt so dirty, I couldn't wash the feeling away.

 

When I was taking classes, one of our acquaintances would watch my children. I thought she was like a sister to me. I was doing homework all night so I could be with my children during the day, working, and trying to figure out how to fix my life. I spent a lot of time with friends so I wouldn't have to think about how to fix my marriage or even if it could be fixed. My husband and I fought a lot because of my disinterest. I thought I was hiding it but it was obvious from the lack of sex in our marriage. He decided to turn to my friend who had just gone through a divorce. I had a gut feeling but then I thought I was wrong, it only happened once. Then he told me about it because he felt that I had given him permission when I slept with the other man and he thought we could both have an affair with this woman. I know before that, I had told him that I didn't ever want something like that to ever happen again and that it made me feel dirty.

 

We started to attend counseling but the counselor that we saw was difficult to open up to and expensive. We have found a church that we attend regularly and are both trying to change our lives but the hurt that we have both inflicted is difficult to deal with. And the original problem is still there.

 

So if you find a solution to your problem, please let me know what you did.

[candy604]

just wondering why was your husband watching you have sex with another man? that's odd..

[nursepatty]

I think we both thought it might fix whatever was happening in our relationship. It only made things worse.

[suchi]

Thread;

I understand actually; I think a marriage goes through up's and down's, as the years pass. The advice I see and have been given never seems to be enough to fix how you feel inside, but one day someone will come along that will have the exact words that may help you. I've been married twice and I felt the same about . And like you had 4 children. I loved my kids and needed them to know I was happy also, so one day I had a long talk with my x and we both agreed to stay friends and help the kids understand that it was time to go our own ways. Now that the kids are grown they have told me they think it was the best thing I ever did. But we all have to do what is in our hearts; no one else can feel your pain or what your thinking, we are on our own in this matter no matter what advice we get. As for a affair; I have been with my husband over 26 years now and a few years ago he had a affair; no one wanted me to continue the marriage, not family, my kids or my friends but I stayed never the less, and it's been 4 years now and we are falling in love all over again, it was a painful time but we were friends first and talked till we realized it wasn't worth walking out on and giving up. It is hard for me as it was a long affair but I know what kind of person I am and I'm the better catch I almost feel bad for my husband as he is the one with the guilt not I. Don't ever think cheating is a way out, you will dig only a bigger hole. I'm sure I haven't been of much help but I do understand your pain and I wish it on no one. Good luck and if you need someone to talk to I'm here. Later

[suchi]

Thread;

I understand actually; I think a marriage goes through up's and down's, as the years pass. The advice I see and have been given never seems to be enough to fix how you feel inside, but one day someone will come along that will have the exact words that may help you. I've been married twice and I felt the same about my x, And like you had 4 children. I loved my kids and needed them to know I was happy also, so one day I had a long talk with my x and we both agreed to stay friends and help the kids understand that it was time to go our own ways. Now that the kids are grown they have told me they think it was the best thing I ever did. But we all have to do what is in our hearts; no one else can feel your pain or what your thinking, we are on our own in this matter no matter what advice we get. As for a affair; I have been with my husband over 26 years now and a few years ago he had a affair; no one wanted me to continue the marriage, not family, my kids or my friends but I stayed never the less, and it's been 4 years now and we are falling in love all over again, it was a painful time but we were friends first and talked till we realized it wasn't worth walking out on and giving up. It is hard for me as it was a long affair but I know what kind of person I am and I'm the better catch I almost feel bad for my husband as he is the one with the guilt not I. Don't ever think cheating is a way out, you will dig only a bigger hole. I'm sure I haven't been of much help but I do understand your pain and I wish it on no one. Good luck and if you need someone to talk to I'm here. Later P.S. forgive my spelling and mistakes, it's late

[Donster]

My therapist says that loss of intimacy is the most common thing to happen in a long term relationship. And it can be fixed, as long as you want to, and as long as both partners are willing to participate in fixing that part of the relationship.

 

A good couples therapist can do wonders. Although rare, you may even consider seeing a sex therapist. They deal specifically with how couples interact with each other in a sexual way, which is closely related to intimate behaviour. (sex and attraction between a couple clearly start outside of the bedroom, even though it may finish there!).

 

I've been both the cheater and the cheated in my last relationship, and I can tell you that it leads to a lot of anxiety and potentially irreparable harm and hurt in both the short and long term. With kids in the picture, you have even more at stake.

 

This situation you are in, which is so common to all of us, is very much like the movie American Beauty (a terrific movie, btw). One one level, its aboutmidlife crisis. On another, its about the everyday barriers that two partners set up between each other, caused by the stresses of everyday life and the boundaries of routine.

 

Perhaps you should consider a vacation with just you and your husband, without the kids. Have you done anything like that in recent memory?

 

I dont see your post as looking for validation to cheat, but rather as a cry fo help in finding a way to rediscover the love and intimacy you have for your husband. I strongly suggest that you speak openly and honestly with your husband about these feelings, and that you seek out a good couples therapist. You will be amazed at what it can do for your life together as a couple!

[g44]

too many games and vague comments

 

good bye all

[JulieSB]

I am not married, but I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend or 7 years. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I really couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. BUT, to answer your question...yes there was a time where I just couldn't get enough of him...wanted to be around him all of the time, but then came the time when I felt like I needed to explore. I felt as though he was lacking so much, and we no longer connected. How did I get over it? I cheated, and let me tell you that was the worse thing I could have EVER did.

 

Yes after that happened the light buld turned back on, and I then realized that there isn't anyone else out there for me. All I can say is DONT DO IT!!!! Think about your husband, your children, family, yourself! That guilt is the worse feeling on earth! I don't know if your one to pray, but let me tell you...it does change things. Try thearpy...something, but please just don't start to explore...I'm telling you...nothing good can come of that!!!!!

 

* * * * luck.

[g44]

wow....DN...finally...thats the best series of postings i've seen here...if i was a woman i would ask u to marry me! lol.

[g44]

RK...the quote u use at the end about imprints is what i use to guide my life. it truly is the only thing we carry with us to the great beyond.

[Alive2]

Oh please, this is getting a little rhetorical ... here's my real experience FWIW:

(1) falling "in love" is pure chemistry and you fell like you have met your "soul mate" because that's what the chemistry does ... it has no relation to whether the person is a good partner or even a good friend (your brain will try and confuse you on this one)

(2) having a mistress (lover) is absolutely fantastic while it lasts and when it ends (as it did in my case) I felt a sense of loss that haunts me to this day (that was 3 years ago) ... you never really "get over" a lover because there is something in that person that is unique that nobody else can give you and thats why you were attracted to them to begin with (not only physical but emotionally, intellectually, etc

(3) you can "fall in love" with your spouse again (I did) but it comes and goes and depends on your mood and their mood and also ... stress, lack of sleep, excessive travel, lack of fitness, poor food, too much sugar, etc are all deterrents to being "in love" with your spouse ... sometimes you want to "escape" your spouse but in my case it was also partially my environment (e.g. live in mother-in-law).

(4) you can be "in love" with two people during exactly the same time period (I have and to a degree still am) ... maybe I am polyamorous or maybe its just natural ... who knows ... who cares ... it's real from my perspective ... I spent a year after my affair working through those kinds of issues with my wife ... no I DONT REGRET DOING IT ... maybe I'm "selfish" or a "sociopath" but theres no point second guessing your decisions ... all you can do is learn and move on ... anyway, my wife was surprisingly understanding and we love each other very much (no she will never be 100% OK ... neither will I ... that's just life).... we basically needed to ignore societies pre-canned definitions of what a "good marriage" should be and define our own ideals and do what we want ... sometimes we are deliriously happy together and sometimes not but we always communicate our mood/feelings in detail (yes, sometimes its nauseating).

(5) Creating "passion" starts with you ... I am an adrenaline junkie and "flirting" with and "chasing women" is one big adrenalin rush ... but I also get a similar rush racing my sports cars (yes, did illegal "import street racing" but now only on closed track) ... also do motocross racing, mountain biking, bodybuilding and also pursuing my masters degree (M.Sc) at night and other things that get my adrenaline and intellect pumping .. that's the only advice I'll give as its the only thing I have found that keeps my mind off other women (if only briefly) ... it really is all about finding passion in your own life 'cause your spouse can't do it for you all by themselves!

 

Good luck!

[g44]

(1) falling "in love" is pure chemistry and you fell like you have met your "soul mate" because that's what the chemistry does ... it has no relation to whether the person is a good partner or even a good friend

 

well....yes and no...in order to have the chemistry of the brain react in such a way...other things must happen...like caring, kindness, etc. u don't become 'soulmates' with a someone that has no redeeming qualities...its the experience and the memories u build together that does that. and i don't see how u can do that if that person is not a good friend, partner, lover, companion.

 

 

(2) having a mistress (lover) is absolutely fantastic while it lasts and when it ends (as it did in my case) I felt a sense of loss that haunts me to this day (that was 3 years ago) ... you never really "get over" a lover because there is something in that person that is unique that nobody else can give you

 

your partner is supposed to be your lover. if u want to be with another person that way, leave the relationship and go do yer thing. because when u don't it disrespects you, and your partner and is a marker of how u value a relationship. for some its the trill of cheating, being bad, giving into the self, saying what u crave is more important...and that is probably simply related to your views about life. nothing wrong with that. but if it is in conflict with your partner's, then find a way to please yourself and show respect. and i do not know anyone that has benefited from having an affair of the heart.

 

(3) you can "fall in love" with your spuse again (I did) but it comes and goes and depends on your mood and their mood and also ... stress, lack of sleep, excessive travel, lack of fitness, poor food, too much sugar, etc are all deterrent to being "in love" with your spouse ... my advice is always the same: establsih a healthy clean lifestyle (if not already) and see how you both fell after that

 

sounds like it is an off and on switch. i guess everyone loves in different ways. all the more power to u. i guess that way u don't get hurt as much or as easily. interesting post.