Human

Hmmm...yup. That was a stupid moment (lasting months). How could I have ever entertained the idea that an affair was a good idea? A divorce would be better (esp. after reading how terribly people are suffering from having been betrayed). And even better than divorce is really remembering the commitment we vowed. I guess I didn't take it seriously enough...it's when things get difficult that I have to remind myself that that vow was for real, that I chose him for a reason (actually, many good reasons). Wish me luck as I focus, focus on reconnecting with the husband who deserves a better wife...

I never said it was "right," I said I was more capable of understanding how such a thing could happen--and as such, feel more compassion for those who do such things. And your statement of "anyone who cheats is being weak-minded, selfish, and irresponsible..." is harsh. It might be a good idea to avoid judging others until you have walked in their shoes... Things look differently at age 18 than it might when one is 40, as I imagine it will look differently again when (if) I'm 80...

Yes, that adrenalin rush...I remember learning that it dramatically declines during the first few years of a relationship. But does it decline to zero? Is this how it is for most of you, even for the happily married? It seems a shame to never experience such a great thing for the rest of one's life...but maybe that's indeed what "normal" marriage is. I really don't know. I have indeed shared my concerns, my lack of interest with my husband (very painful conversations). The problem is that we're not sure exactly how to fix it. We thought we were doing pretty well...we made sure to have some "dates," etc., but...of course, those dates are limited when you only have so much energy to stay awake (since you know the kids will be up by 6 AM the next day)... A get-away weekend would be nice but who has the money to go away and hire someone to take care of 4 children under the age of 8? How does he gross me out? I don't quite know how to explain it. At times, when he touches me, I just want to move away. I don't quite know when this started happening. Has no one else experienced this? I'm pretty sure it has to do with my lack of emotional attraction...but I don't know why I should not be attracted. He's a very nice person. Maybe I need a dangerous, exciting person (who is unlikely to be able to sustain a relationship). As for marriage not being about me just being happy...true, but then, if I'm not happy, no one gets the best of me. Have I lost myself? I don't think it's so much that as I live my life with obligations and having just an hour to myself--just to myself--just doesn't seem to "fill me up." But that's what can happen when you have so many kids and a competitive career I guess...wish there were another way... Yes, you could be right that I miss those days of fun, long conversations, etc...and sometimes, it's so tempting to just give in to offers of some fun... and frankly, it just seems a bit weird/unnatural to "work at having fun" ... Yes, I'd like to focus on my husband and fall in love with him again...but I've never had to "force" myself to be attracted to someone before. If the institution of marriage is so "good" or evolutionarily advantageous, why does it seem such a challenge and so much work to get it working well?

No, I am definitely not looking for "permission" or "validation." I want to know if it actually ever helped anyone feel less empty. Or, if it's always backfired and hurt everyone involved. I appreciate your thoughts on the matter but could you give me specific examples? That is, I'd like to "concentrate on the marriage" and "put the emotional energy...into the marriage" but I don't know what this means anymore. Of course, I've thought of my marriage (and it was much more than a "passing thought") and what could be done to spice things up...and have tried those things...and they haven't worked. Those activities have felt "forced." We don't fight or have issues conducting our lives. Passion is missing...but so you're saying that even if I don't "feel" in love, that I need to continue being committed b/c I gave those vows when I married? I'm not sure that I agree with this thought. I know that many people have stayed together...moreso in the past than these days...but that doesn't mean that they have stayed together happily. I'm looking for a HAPPY marriage. How do you--CAN you--create passion again when it has died out? This is what I'd like to know...and you may very well know the answer b/c you said you and your spouse have had similar issues. Did you ever feel "unattracted" to your spouse (for no rational reason)--and if so, what did you actually do to overcome this?

"Have you explored why this is exactly? What is missing from your relationship with your partner that you feel someone else can fill?" "Did you consider perhaps this is just the way a relationship goes? Certainly it may not always be peachy or exhilirating, but it's a long term relationship..." I've tried, but I can't quite figure it out. Part of it must be b/c they are "new" and a mystery (which, of course, is likely infatuation and bound to pass). The other part is that they notice me. They think I'm funny or smart or give me compliments. I've told this to my husband (who USED To be touchy-feeling which I loved)...but when he does it now, it feels "forced," like something he has to remember to do... It's not just my husband, I don't think I'm giving him these compliments freely either. Of course, I'm not attracted at the moment, so...? If this is the way long-term relationships go...then it's sad that something so wonderful (that is, the infatuation feeling) can't be experienced at least from time to time throughout life Do you enjoy each other's company, etc? Yes...We get along pretty well. Love particular activities together. But, can't I get this with my brother or a platonic friend instead? We don't spend a lot of time together lately b/c I have so much work to do...but also, he's not so good at coming up with "interesting" and "fun" things to do. That was usually me...and I suppose I'm a bit tired. Will keep reading...good luck with whatever you decide to do. thanks

I've been married almost 10 years to a wonderful man (provides well, is nice, great dad to the kids, etc.) and we have 4 kids. There was a time when I was IN love with him...wanted to be with him all the time, be physically close to him. That time is gone. Intellectually, I feel like he's a good match, but I don't feel it emotionally anymore. I can't tell you how much I wish I did, though. Clearly, something is missing and I haven't the faintest idea how we can fix things. At this point, many other men attract me...and I feel so exhilirated and alive when I think of being with them. When I'm with my husband, I literally feel a bit grossed out sometimes (despite that he is not bad looking or out of shape)...and inside, I feel...so empty. Have any of you fallen out of love with your spouse and then been able to fall back in? How'd you do it? Those of you who have had affairs, was it worth it? Did it fill that need that your spouse could not fill? I don't want to hear about what a sin it is to cheat, how it's morally wrong, etc. (it doesn't really help me to try and follow some "rules" b/c it's morally correct and at the same time, feel like I'm half dead inside) Nor do I want to hear about what a selfish person I am, etc. (am I selfish for wanting to be happy?--and no, it's not that I want to be happy no matter the cost to other people... do people really have a complete choice in deciding what makes them happy and what does not?) It's not that there might not be truth to any of this...but it's too simplistic a view and it makes me think that you have never experienced what I am experiencing...and hypothesizing about what I may be experiencing just isn't going to cut it. You think that I WANT to feel this way? No way! But it's difficult to push myself towards my husband when my gut doesn't want to...and yet, I don't want to dissolve the marriage and force my kids to have only one parent each night, holidays with one or the other... If I did not have children, I think I'd have left already... Recovery, are you there? I would particularly like to "talk" with you...

Thanks, Candy604...and I understand what you mean about rationalizing using scripture...and I can't say that Emtpyami's "interpretation" of scripture, signs, etc., makes much sense to me...

Wow, yes, I agree with Privately Playful. I used to think that anyone who didn't do well in school shouldn't be given many "second chances" (as I was a straight-A student)...but then my mom passed away, I felt alone and suffered in graduate school...and if the graduate program hadn't been "understanding" about my first two years, I never would have finished my PhD with one of the best dissertation defenses (according to the department chair). I used to believe that being a stay-at-home mom was the easiest (and least "impressive") thing to do... Boy, I couldn't have been more wrong. I still thinking going to work is like a vacation compared to taking care of my four kids... I used to think that abortions were a a woman's right. Then I found out how abortions were done and how fetuses react. Suddenly, waiting 9 mos. to let a kid be adopted didn't sound like too much to ask of anyone. I NEVER thought cheating was "understandable--" I mean, why not just leave? I never cheated on anyone I had dated, not so much as a smoldering look at another guy. After 10 years of marriage, however, I can better understand how some end up cheating and not divorcing. It's not that I think it's "good," but I can understand that it's "complicated." For example, sometimes, you don't want to break up the family, which often includes kids...and it isn't "bad" enough to warrant a breakup...it's just passionless and dead... Pretty much, I'm really hesitant about judging anyone now...considering how wrong I have been on so many things in the past...

I am sorry that some people are judging you and labeling your situation one way or another. The last I studied religion or philosophy, there was no such thing as absolute morality. Most people realize this... For example, how else would Robin Hood have been a "hero," if morality was truly absolute? He was stealing...if morality was absolute, then he was a bad guy, not a hero. The story, however, doesn't present him that way. Again, this is because most people realize that things are not black and white... Even cross-culturally, moral values do not agree...if morality was absolute, how could there be cross-cultural differences? Shouldn't all cultures agree? If people could live strictly "by the rules" and always be "right," then they wouldn't be people... And not ALL people are passing judgment on you. But perhaps those who pass judgment are open to a little judgment themselves...? No offense, Candy604, but to me, often (though not always) you sound like an angry, judgmental person. You're more quick to judge and spew out dogma than you are to try and understand and empathize with the person's suffering. Empathizing doesn't mean you have to agree with all the person's thoughts and actions...but it may mean that you could state your contrary thoughts in a less than absolute, judgmental way.