Please help me figure this out!

[GoneAgain]

I wasn't sure where to put this, sorry if it's in the wrong area. *Warning...recalling abuse, may be too much for some people* Also this is going to be very long, I'm sorry but thank you to whoever reads this.

 

Ok, this is my first post and I am having a few problems, mainly with my emotional state. I just want someone to help me figure out why I feel so horrible.

 

I'm 18 yrs old and have been depressed for a while on and off, which has recently gotten worse. I have also been having a lot of angry outbursts towards people, mainly my family. Most of the time they do nothing wrong or at least not something that deserves that kind of response. I don't mean to either I just get really angry and without thinking snap at them. Then I turn on myself. I have gotten the comment that I am a very angry person, and really I think I am, but I don't know why.

 

We use to move around a lot when I was younger, never spending more then a year in one place. We where also very poor. My parents fight constantly. They argue and argue over very simple things with each other and us kids. They've done this for as long as I can remember. I remember them spanking us with belts and the such, but I never considered it to the point of abuse. My father has punched through walls and doors countless times as well as thrown phones, cups, plates, etc. Whatever is at hand really. He has said things like "I swaer if you don't go clean that table I'm going to come over there and whip your * * *" or threatened to get rid of my dog. They sometimes say I'm a bratt, but the worst of that is when they fight with each other. They say things like "she is your child! You should've done this and that" and things that really hurt. I also tend to internalize everything. When something happens I almost always believe it's my fault and put myself down. I don't speak a lot. I tend to shy away from any public event and I have been told I have a very low self esteem. I have never had a relationship (ie boyfriend) and I feel as if I am way behind everyone emotionally. I also get intimidated easily, though I have been pretty good in school except last year (senior year in highschool) when I became just very depressed and I just didn't care enough to do anything. Part of me wanted to fail my classes so I would get some kind of response from people (mainly my parents). In the end I got all F's up to a B or better. I did that within the last weeks of school and I felt horrible doing it. I dont know exactly why.

 

So a bit of history:

 

These will be from youngest things I think may be important starting from the ealiest thing I can remember.

 

I can remember from when I was very young I was always pretty bright. I was in "gifted" classes and never received help with homework, not once.

 

I don't remember anything before this, but I know we had a lot of people living in our house that wheren't very good. They did drugs and where jailed frequently.

 

Right before I started second grade I moved to Arizona. We lived in apartment type houses (four houses connected in a big community) and there where some boys accross the way. I don't remember exactly how old they where but I believe younger was 9 and older was 11. I think I was 7? at the time. I don't remember how it started at all, I just remember times when they would take me to hidden areas and touch me. They made it a game. I never really acknowledged this before, but I guess they took advantage of me?. I just remember never stopping them in any way. They would touch me all over, hands in my pants and undies as well as in my shirt. They would make different games for this, like Playing "cops" where they pushed me against the dumpster and pretended to "patt me down" as they touched me. This happened many times with many different "games". Not only would they touch me they would kiss me with tongue, and sometimes tell me to lay on the ground and they would lay on top of me and touch/kiss me. I don't recall them ever actually raping me, they just touched and stuff. This continued till I moved when I started 3rd grade ....so age 8?

 

When I moved again at the end of grade 4 (age 10?) we moved in with my cousins. One of my cousins was only 3 yrs older then me and very much taller. Again I don't know how it began, but he began to touch me. He would do it when we played "man hunt" or "hide and seek" and would hide with me and while we where hiding would just....touch me. I never once objected and it continued until I was 12. That was when I spent the night at their house (my cousins who where female and we where very close). I slept in my female cousins room and my male cousin, the one who touched me, came in to "watch tv." He layed in the bed next to me and I was afraid but didn't say anything. Soon we all (my female cousin and I) fell asleep. I woke up to find my male cousin touching me. He pushed my shirt up and removed my bra and continued to grope me. This time I hit him in the head as hard as I could three times. He stopped for a minute then continued. I layed there as he tried to penetrate me with his finger and I tried grabbing his hand to pull it away but I couldn't. He continued and I finally got up. He did nothing as I went to the other side of the bed, got on the floor and layed there. Shortly after he left the room. Nothing else happened after that. I don't know why and I didn't really care as long as it didn't happen again.

 

Ok that's all the time line.

 

My parents where in abusive homes and they do remind us of it. My mother told us of how her mother constantly had men coming in and out of their house having sex with her (my grandmother). She also told us of one particular instance of when one of these men abused her sexually. She seemed to really want us to hear this, but truthfully I wanted nothing of it. I didn't want to hear what he did to her or how it made her feel now. It made me feel sick listening to it, but it seemed to help her.

 

My father doesn't talk a lot about his childhood, but does give little stories of them and never good ones. Some are how his father left him in the middle of no where and drove away, others are how he left him at someone he didn't know house and returned a year later and others are his punishments, but not very detailed, which really I'm thankful for.

 

Anytime I try to talk to my father about anything, could be the simplest thing, he will go into a rage. He get's angry very quickly and begins to yell and blame. My mother is just the opposite. She will begin sobbing and crying if you tell her anything at all negative. For example I told her I was a bit depressed and she began crying very hard and kept asking why? and was she a bad mother and a bunch of questions I had no answer for or had the right answer for. I then just told her the things she wanted to hear so she would stop. Of course she told my father who began his rampage. So talking to them isn't possible.

 

 

I just want to stop being so angry and sad all the time. I don't like snapping at people and feeling so sad that I hate myself. I also don't sleep very well....last night I got less then 2 hours of sleep. I just wake up and can never get to sleep. I don't dream, at least dreams that I can remember.

 

I also want to say that being touched like that shouldn't be the cause of this, I mean I never thought it as the cause. I mean how can I be this skrewed us over such a little thing? when others who where actually raped can get over it. It doesn't make sense to me unless I was a very weak person.

 

Um I think that's it. Now that I look at this it seems it's more of a life history then asking for advice.

[candy604]

yeah my mom is like your mom, she was sexually abused as a child by her father ( also her father rages out and her own mom used to punish she severly). Older sister went crazy b/c of the abuse.My mom wants to tell us all what happened to her. Sometimes i just listen but it hurts and it sickens me what happened b/c it's my mother! ( i've listened for many years now and it still happens). It does help your mom/ my mom when someone is listening to them. But usually I just brush it off and then go on with what i was doing. I don't let it affect me ( it can, but maybe i haven't noticed it yet). I'm sure i'm affected b/c I can't deal with being anger very well.

 

But the touching game and such would have an effect on you emotionally, you should get some help for that b/c your suffering, it's not your fault that this happened to you. None of it. You don't deserve to be treated the way you were treated. Touching would damage any kid if they went through it, don't compare it to rape. They are both not right and don't blame yourself for not being strong.

 

I'm so sorry to hear your father treats you like this. My father used to have similar tempers as yours, he'd smash dishes etc.., punch my mom ( not anymore, but it happened twice), but he's older now and luckily he's changed as result of being a christian. But it was horrible. my parents used to fight for hrs , almost every day that even the police had to come!

 

It's very hard to pretend to be happy when your hurting inside and to cover up the hurt by being fake. You need to heal yourself first I wish I could be there to be your friend.

 

Just find some hobbies, get out of the house as much as you can, and make friends. You could also join a support group to help you manage your anger and build up your self-esteem. Call a hot-line , they always listen to you and they do have professional psychologists listening.

[GoneAgain]

I volunteer at an animal shelter which I love. I love the dogs and I volunteer as often as I can, but the happiness stays only as long as I'm there and sometimes going there doesn't help. Though I have to say I have noticed a big improvement in my social skills (I'm still not very good socially at all!) since I've been volunteering. I just can't shake the way I feel and it shows, a lot more then I'd like it to. I really like the people that work there and I hate it when I can't be all happy when I see them, makes me feel worse. Plus my father says volunteering is a waste of time, that they don't give me anything so doing is worthless. I don't agree with him at all, as I said I think it has helped me, but he controls the money and my transportation. Not that he is really really controlling or anything.

 

I've thought of calling a hot-line a few times. Times I really felt horrible and really wanted someone to talk to, but I chicken out. I'm can never go through with it. I can never find something to say, I know what I want to say, but I just can't manage to say it. I'm a whimp.

 

As for the touching, I keep telling myself it's nothing. That it isn't my fault. That I really shouldn't take it so hard. Like I said I did nothing to stop any of it. I don't know. I tell myself it doesn't effect me, yet writing it made me cry. Oh yeah, obviously if I cry just writing it it doesn't effect me

 

Thanks for your thoughts candy If I start feeling really bad again, I'll call a hot-line. I mean, at worst if I don't say anything it's not like anythings going to happen. I mean they don't know me right? so no condemning or anything would happen and if I do find the courage to say something maybe they could help a bit.

[candy604]

for the touching, it's not your fault and even I if I were in your spot and wouldn't know what to do or how to react. You did try to stop it but your cousin kept going ( not your fault b/c he persisted and he's older). Hence So it does affect you and realize it was not right of those people to take advantage of you. I'd slap your cousin and lecture him if i could.

 

Yes call the hot-line, my mom used it before and they help b/c they listen and help. The hot-line doesn't know who you are and will not condemn you. What you went through is hard and you should have someone to talk to about it.

 

as for your father, just ignore his word. Don't let your father's words hurt you, ( let it go in one ear out the other I think your dad is the way he is b/c of his abusive childhood. it's sad and it's very hard to for him to change. He holds alot of anger from his past. Think of it as he isnt' after you but he's like this b/c of his childhood, so whatever he says is untrue about me.

 

But I'm very glad to hear you are enjoying volunteering at an animal shelter! it's great you are doing that! Keep up it up!. If your father complains again just tell him your enjoying it b/c your meeting friends and you love working with animals. It's not about the money, but about giving back to the community too.

[BunnyLove911]

Until i read your post, i honestly thought i was alone, and sick. Similer things happened to me, and for some reason, i didnt try to stop it either. I became to think that what happened to me when i was younger, is the reason i was the way i was when i was a teen. Sleeping around to put it bluntly. i felt like i had to prove to myself that i wasnt "dirty" and i was still "wanted" i was stupid about it, but i was lucky, and never caught anything though i dont know how. i wont say how many men i've slept wiht, because i'm ashamed, and i'm afraid someone on here will call me names, which i dont think i want to hear. Its not your fault for anything that happened when you were younger. i felt like i'd go into shock and there was nothing i could do, so i'd just let it happen. You're a very strong person to tell your story. if you ever need to talk, message me,i'm always willing to listen.

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

It takes courage to talk about the stuff that eats us up inside. I read your post and I will say that it can be complicated if you want it to be. Have you ever heard the expression " Keep it Simple" ????

 

I suggest you come here and talk about anything that is eating at you , we have some great people in here that are always eager to help you. However when it comes to abuse, if it is bothering you that much, I suggest you get a professional to assist you with that if need be.

 

What I would do if i were you ,is try and forget everything up to this point (all the bad stuff) and put it all behind me. Then I would go out and get two jobs. And I would set up my own personal secret bank account, and I would not tell "ANYONE" about it. And then I would save as much money as I could in the shortest period of time.

 

I would not tell my story to anyone (because it is a bummer) and brings people down and most people are thinking about one thing ..themselves

And most don't want to hear it, and will label you and avoid you .......as far as my parents, we can't pick our parents, because if we could most of us would pick different parents, I know I would in a heart beat. And don't worry about other people right now or what they think, worry about you .....You need to be number #1 right now. You can make new friends later on when you get stable with some money in the bank.

 

Save up about $5000 minimum, and like I said before, don't tell anyone. Then either get your own place or find a stable roomate to share expenses with. You will not be able to solve your parents problems, not ever and they would rather be miserable then change. They have to do that for themselves, and they will continue to bring you down. You might not be able to see it right now, but later on they will be proud of you because you are making a life for yourself and they just want to be angry and cry in there beer.

 

Being poor stinks, and is never no fun for anyone and accomplishes very little. Why ? Because you need cash to make things happen in todays society. Go to college and continue your education even if you have to do it at a junior college or at night, but do it.

 

Get out of your situation and make some changes in your life. And get some quality in your life. The key in all of this is some "Peace.....Peace of Mind" and you can't ever have that being around people that are angry at the world all the time. Your life will change when you change your situation. And if you tell your parents any of this, they might resent you because you are trying to make changes and they are not.

 

Remember this .....do not tell anyone, because when you tell just one person a secret it is "NO" longer a secret. Just build a safe place for you to go and build your life yourself, because it really is left up to you.

 

Forget the past as best you can, forget all the crap it will only get you depressed, and keep the good stuff close to your heart. Start a new life, one door closes and another one opens. See a doctor for the depression if it gets worse, we all go through bouts of depression in life. The key is to get over it, and move on. Start a new life, a good life the one you deserve and have always wanted. And that will take cash.

 

Good Luck, you can do this ....but only you can do this.

 

Kuhl

[GoneAgain]

Thanks you guys for taking the time to read and comment on this. It's very appreciated.

 

Ok so I hear everyone always saying "just put it all behind you" but I really don't understand what that means. I can't comprehend how you can simply forget about something. It just doesn't make sense to me. Can someone explain that?

 

I've been having a good few days I'm feeling a lot better, I think actually typing what happened to me out and having someone actually care (thanks candy) really helped. I think everyone's right, I do need to get on with my life. I need to save money and move out.

 

It's just the fear of people is really hard to get over. I mean like I said the shelter work has really helped me but I'm still very anxious when dealing with people, especially men. They make me nervous since I don't know their intentions and I tend to assume the worst rather then the best.

[sonjam]

i TOTALLY DISAGREE with just putting it behind you. I was in EXACTLY you situation when I was your age, when reading your post it was almost like you were talking about me. Years later I was still dealing with ANGER, SOCIAL DISFUNCTION AND LOW SELF ESTEEM, and that is because I tried to put it behind me, instead of dealing with it.

 

Things happen to us. We cannot choose our parents and most of the things that happen to us a kids. But what we can do is deal with the anger, vent it, and chanel it into positive ways, open up the sores that won't heal, get all the rot out, and then it will heal into a scar that fades away.

 

Girly you have been through so much in your life. And I can see you feel neglected, and alone. The worst part is even if you see and identify it now - the "little girl" in you still feel the pain, and doesn't understand why it happened to her. You need to find a way to start facing the demons, deal with the anger and the other issues, and make peace with who you are. It's hard, but I believe in you, and I know you can do it. Get professional help if you can, call the hotline, but before you do, write down what you want to tell them, so that when they answer, you will know what to say. Make sure you write down all the important and even the not so important stuff. And of course, it helps to talk to us. Feel free to PM with me, or talk on the boards about these things. Alot of us have been there and can help, even if it is just by listening and offering advice. Im 34 years old now, with a family of my own, and only recently have I been able to let go of the anger at my mom, ( I saw a hypnotherapyst) but I could have dealt with it so much sooner If I saw the problems (like you do now)!!

[candy604]

yeah about social issues, if your past issues are dealt with it's easier to socialize once your freed from your problems. Other than that, you'll be putting on a show. ( my mom does that, unable to communicate to people properly- she does get very anxious too- b/c she is still hurting inside).

 

As for men, find one whose first priority isn't sex. A guy whose hardworking, comes from a good family and just is honest and nice. ( you can always ask them what they view on premartial sex etc..). I ask that so I know where a guy stands or i even talk to a guy about how imp sex is in a relationship etc..so you know what your getting into. I tell you, not all men are bad, my bf and I don't have sex b/c he respects my views and loves me. So if you pick the right man for you, it's good