melrich Posted September 6, 2006 Share Posted September 6, 2006 I think it was over when he first told you he wanted a break. He is not into the relationship anymore he's just to gutless to tell it to you in black and white. He hopes you will just go away. Link to comment
kellbell Posted September 6, 2006 Share Posted September 6, 2006 Hey there not-too-late, Is this the same guy you posted about in March 2005? Link to comment
blender Posted September 7, 2006 Share Posted September 7, 2006 I am going to repeat exactly what I posted on Sept 2nd on this thread, I really care that you know this is not something you have any power over.. you need to let go... and all will be okay.. YOU will be okay, here's my earlier post from BEFORE you contacted him, but it still applies: do NOT call him... if you call him you will be "further hurt".. does that make sense to you? He can NOT give you something you want right now and that only makes the guy feel like not wanting to talk to you.. but he will to be "polite".. and then you will hang up feeling MUCH WORSE THAN YOU DO NOW.. and you'll have to start your healing all over again. You're going to be sad for a bit, uneasy, but it's okay, you'll survive it, just cry, be sad, talk here, call friends, but do NOT call him. You will not feel good about it if you do.. sure, you're going "crazy" right now, but you'll be okay, just don't ACT CRAZY and call him.. do you know what I mean? He will NOT forget you, if you stay away, he will make a choice to either "make an effort eventually to contact you" OR he will just move on, but at least YOU will have your self respect, BUT if you call him, he's probably in an emotional place where he'll think, "UGH, SHE'S CALLING ME, I JUST WANT TO FORGET ABOUT HER" don't put yourself in this situation.. let him go...for now... if he comes back YOU WILL FEEL SO GOOD that you let it happen in his timing, NOT yours... and if he doesn't make a choice to come back, well, then he wasn't THEE one for you... can you let go, just for today? In life we get the same lessons over and over again until we are willing to LEARN.. and grow, and move on... this is a painful time for you, but a very meaningful time, you have been given this heartache by fate so that you might LEARN to value YOURSELF, before putting so much depedence of your happiness into someone else's hands.. HE IS NOT responsible for your happiness, YOU ARE.... and it starts today, he's not thee one, and you will be sad for awhile, cry, cry cry, feel all the feelings, you will survive and thrive, please know that these "feelings" will pass... stick with the FACTS and the FACT is he's NOT READY for a relationship.. so try honey, to let go.. I know it hurts, but you will be okay.. Link to comment
Momene Posted September 7, 2006 Share Posted September 7, 2006 Well prepare yourself for a split and remember that astronomers make the best partners. Link to comment
never-too-late Posted September 10, 2006 Author Share Posted September 10, 2006 Hello all, thanks for your replies. So my boyfriend has gone travelling with his best buddy for a couple of weeks. I could not tell him to have a safe flight as they have been so many accidents and I obviously care about him too much not to say anything. So on Thursday I sent him a message and I told him that I wish him a good trip and a safe flight. He replied and said thanks for that. I asked him if he could tell me if we are still together or if he has broken up the relationship and he replied and said "yes we are" and he put kisses... I said to him I thanked him for the message as it made me feel better. I have not heard from him since and I have not attempted contact with him. I am now going to leave him alone and let him enjoy his holidays that he has been waiting so long. He should be back in about 2 weeks. I am scared he may not call me again but I am hoping that time away will help us to be ok again. But he reassured me so I hope we can meet again but I will not suggest anything about our next meeting. I will try to leave it up to him. I just worry that if he is so far away now, he is in Asia, he will all forget about me and he won't think about me. I remember when he went to Canada with his friend last year, I did not hear from him for a few days and then he sent me a sweet email from Canada and when he got back, he was calling me all excited to hear me and see me. But now we are emotionally so distant, I am sad to think that the same thing could happen to us again.. Link to comment
melrich Posted September 10, 2006 Share Posted September 10, 2006 I think that is a good idea. Leave him to enjoy his holiday and take it up with him when he gets back. Link to comment
Momene Posted September 11, 2006 Share Posted September 11, 2006 IF you do get back together, why not plan a trip together? Also, if he needs "space" again, say no. You are together for keeps and no more breaks. Although married people have trial separations in the UK, unmarried people don't seem to have "breaks" and I have to say I'm dubious about them. Link to comment
blender Posted September 11, 2006 Share Posted September 11, 2006 Never-too-late, do NOT call him, even when you know he's back in town, let him make the initial contact. You are so worried about the future, and the fact is, you will be okay either way. This guy does not hold the key to your happiness, YOU hold that key, don't give it up so easily. I know you are very attached to him, but try getting more attached to YOURSELF... a strong sense of "self" will make you feel better and it also makes someone MORE ATTRACTIVE.. Link to comment
never-too-late Posted September 17, 2006 Author Share Posted September 17, 2006 Hello everyone, I am feeling really low today. I am feeling scared and I am feeling really confused. It's been exactly 10 days since I heard from my boyfriend. He has been away on holidays with his best friend and he is not coming back until 25th September. I know that we kind of agreed that until he comes back, I leave him alone to think but I cannot help thinking that he might not be coming back? He has not sent me any message at all or email from his trip so I assume he forgot all about me and is having fun and does not even think about me. It's been very hard at times not to hear from him. I have not made any contact with him even though I have moments where I feel like I would like to send him a small message just to ask how his holidays has been but I am afraid to do that. I am feeling pretty sad worrying he might not call me again. Before he left for his holidays, I told him that he has to make decision and let me know when he comes back and if he does not call, it means he does not want to be with me anymore. He told me that it's not the best way to help our situation by making ultimatums but I just couldn't imagine waiting here again for him. We are in a long-distance relationship so I cannot see him frequently and when he asks for time away from me, it makes it harder for me. I know I probably pushed him away but I couldn't accept his doubts about me after so long. I just don't know what else to do. I have been very busy this last week, focusing on myself, working, meeting friends, going out but his silence is making me feel worried. I am just really scared that we are not together again. I did ask him before he left if we are still together as his reassurance would make me feel better and he replied and said we are but I just don't feel his love and I actually feel like he is so much happier just to be with his friends without me and he does not need me in his life. I am so disappointed and I am starting to feel hurt about this. Thanks for listening and for all your help! Link to comment
blender Posted September 17, 2006 Share Posted September 17, 2006 You're doing great, I know it hurts, and it's always difficult to "change our pattern of behavior" but you already know what "contacting" does, it makes you feel awful afterwards, it might make you feel much worse than the pain of NOT contacting him, so NO CONTACT for now, okay? You can do it, just feel what you are feeling but do NOT take an action (by contacting him) just to alleviate your panic. Before he left you did thsi, and then You had an agreement that he would go on his trip and you'd give him his space, and if he calls you when he gets back fine, if not, you are already well on your way to "changing your behavior pattern" and whether you realize it or not you will be healing.. Ask yourself a few questions right now: what good would come from contacting him other than a "temporary alleviation" of the "moment of panic" you are feeling? Can you list one positive thing that would come from contacting him? Think it through all the way to "after you send a message" then you'll be in the "obsession" stage of why did I sent that stupid message, why isn't he responding, oh this pain is worse then if I just let it be the way we agreed before he left...right? We're here for you, keep venting here, do NOT contact him... Link to comment
never-too-late Posted September 19, 2006 Author Share Posted September 19, 2006 I understand you all what you are trying to tell me but would it be a mistake to just send him a message to aks how his holiday has been? I have not heard from him for almost 2 weeks and I think that's worrying me as it is very unusual? Or should I leave him completely alone and wait here for him when he gets back? I am just sad that he has not even sent me a small message to say hello from his holidays even though before he left, he said we are together... Link to comment
blender Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Why are you "worried"? You have to ask yourself is it "worry" or are you "hurt" that he's not making a choice to communicate right now? When a man "wants" or "desires" to speak to a woman he will do so. Ask yourself the following questions, and answer them VERY HONESTLY, PAINFULLY HONEST, before you follow through on the "urge" to contact him.. because this "urge" will pass... ask yourself the following questions: Are you sure you want to put yourself in a position to be "attempting contact with someone who is making a clear choice NOT to contact YOU?" What "good" will come of this? Is this "feeling" of you wanting to reach out, just going to give you a "temporary feeling of control" and is just a "reaction" to your disappointment? How will you feel after you send an email? Will you be waiting for a response? Do you have ANY expectations from sending this email, eg: he will be so happy to hear from me and jump at the chance to respond? Is this a realistic expectation? If this "expectation" is not met, and he does not reply, or he sends just an obligatory polite response because he wants to me nice, will this be okay for you afterwards? Would you feel better if you had the personal strength, and self respect to not reach out to a man who is NOT making an effort to be in contact right now? And when and if he does contact you, will you feel better having respectfully waited for this because YOU are worth it? If he never contacts you, will you feel better knowing YOU didn't panic and "reach out" because you set some standards for yourself and realize "it's his loss" if he doesn't have the strength of character to follow up with someone special as you felt you were in his life? Right now, you are feeling "rejected, disappointed" these are just "feelings" not FACTS. but the ONLY way to know how he is feeling OR FOR HIM to "discover" his own feelings is to wait, AND let him make a choice to contact YOU. This is starts with your own self love, if you do not set boundaries for your heart, he won't either.... If you contact him, and he reads the email and thinks or rolls his eyes, and says to himself: "doesn't she have enough self respect to be "okay" without me in her life, and to know that if I "wanted" to talk to her I will contact her in my own time, and if I'm lucky she will still be willing to talk to me". Having your own indepedence and letting him make the "effort" is the MOST ATTRACTIVE THING A WOMAN CAN DO.. And if he does come back from his trip and you have NEVER contacted him, he will have the OPPORTUNITY to "miss you, wonder what you're up to and then make a choice to contact you" isn't that the kind of man you want anyway? If he calls by his own choice to do so, great, if he doesn't, than it's his loss, no contact right now is a win-win situation for YOU. This will give you the "gift of clarity"... Link to comment
never-too-late Posted September 23, 2006 Author Share Posted September 23, 2006 I know that you all advised not to contact him and I appreciate your advice. Please don't think that I was ignoring it. However, after 16 days of not hearing from him, I decided to send him a message. I asked myself this morning if I was contacting for reassurance. In a way yes but I think it was mostly because these days planes crash down so often and I just really wanted to make sure he was ok. So I sent him a short message asking him how he is and told him that I hoped he was enjoying his holidays. I thought to myself that he may not reply and I said to myself that I will be ok with that even though it will be hard to accept. However, he did reply an hour later. He told me that he was good and he was having good holidays and that he is flying back tomorrow night and then he asked me how I was and he put three small kisses behind the message.. He did not call me "my dear" like he usually does so he has definitely pulled away from me but at this point I don't expect anything from him than knowing he is fine and I am happy he replied. I sent him one back and said that I am glad he was ok and that he was having a good time and I told him that I am good and that I am enjoying my weekend. I said to him that I am wishing an enjoyable rest of his holidays and a safe flight back. I know that it's not easy knowing that he is distant but I guess at this time it's not a good idea to discuss anything like our relationship or our situation. I just wanted to show him and proove myself that I can just send him a light-hearted message without being heavy or demanding. What do you think? Link to comment
blender Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 What do "we think? More importantly honey, how do YOU feel right now? Please know that it is mature of you, wise, and self respecting to have "boundaries" with this relationship, he might describe them as "ultimatiums" but that is ONLY his excuse for NOT wanting to be emotionally responsible. Nothing has changed here...he's still the guy his is... and I think that maybe you are still hoping he can be so much more than he is choosing to be in your life... and that is okay to "hope" but I don't think it's so wise for you to "pretend" your okay with just being buddies with him if you are not really feeling this way.. so for today, no more contact, and do NOT call him in the next few days.. see what he does first after he gets home... I think you may need to get into a place of "emotional accpetance" that this guy, can NOT give you what you need or deserve from a relationship.... and that is up to YOU to decide, not him... try again to seprate your "feelings" from the "facts"... when you do this, how does this situation "look to you"? Link to comment
never-too-late Posted September 30, 2006 Author Share Posted September 30, 2006 So my boyfriend sent me one text message and he called me today I was so worried he will not call me but he did. We talked about his holidays, my job, his job, my new house. The conversation was calm, which I am happy about. I did not mention anything about us, our relationship, our argument before he left, I did not question his feelings and I did not suggest our next meeting. I thanked him for the phone call and wished him a nice weekend. The conversation was calm but I felt like he is closed up. I felt that we both were a little nervous, especially he sounded a little uneasy. I want to take it easy as he told me that he feels fed up with his job and he is feeling tired after coming back from his trip. I want to see him but I want him to suggest it. I am worried that he will not? But I am happy he called. What do you think? Link to comment
blender Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 So you waited since your last email for him to contact YOU??? That is great. good for you. And your instincts are correct in waiting for HIM to suggest getting together to see each other. Do not call him at all. You did a great job in talking to him calmly. Some guys just need to know it's "safe" to call a girl and that she won't get all emotional and dependent on him all over again. So for today, just one day at a time, go about your time working on YOU. No worries about him, you are powerless over him, you only have "control" over youself, the best you can do in any given moment. Let go for today, and be proud of yourself. Remember you do not want to "chase" him, you want a man to pursue YOU, in a respectful, and intentional way... so give him the chance to do this... do not contact him, let him make the "effort" and if he chooses to do so, great, the you can start all over again with your "selfrespect" intact, and this is the ONLY way to start over again with him. If he does not call, then you know that he's not really honestly interested in pursuing any relationship at the moment, he's bogged down at work, just returned from his trip, so give it some time.. relax, breathe, be proud that you are now CHOOSING a new more respecting way for YOUR life. If he wants to be involved with your precious heart in the future, he will have to make the "effort" to do so, anything less will not be worth it for YOU. Protect and respect your own heart first, or he will never have the "opportunity" to reach out to you by his own choosing... You're doing great, go out and have a great day and let FATE step in here and guide the new healthier, more self respecting YOU to your dreams... Link to comment
melrich Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 He called you 6 days after he got back from his holidays? I am sorry, I hope things work out for you but I think you need to start getting realistic about what is going on here. Link to comment
blender Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 yes, "Melrich" does have a point, you might want to start setting your own standards in regards to the "man in your life" a bit higher, I'm sure you want a guy who would want to call you right when he got home, (just a small sign of "effort") right? And that is what you should seek, for YOU... and you may find this guy is just NOT "it". Link to comment
Momene Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 I would ask him to clarify where he sees this relationship is right now. Link to comment
pooh-bare Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 So my boyfriend sent me one text message and he called me today I was so worried he will not call me but he did. We talked about his holidays, my job, his job, my new house. The conversation was calm, which I am happy about. I did not mention anything about us, our relationship, our argument before he left, I did not question his feelings and I did not suggest our next meeting. I thanked him for the phone call and wished him a nice weekend. You'll have to acknowledge that elephant sitting between you at some point. I guarantee it won't just go away..... Link to comment
dd-atul Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 hey blender,are you still there?? i need your advice on something very important. please reply to me as soon as possible.please do. Link to comment
Macckusha Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 need advice from blender myself, i am sure you're like bombed with sos calls, but if you have time i would appreciate it very much i can see your last post was sent months ago, i hope however you're still here? Link to comment
celiaroae100 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 totally agree with you RedQueen, space can save a relationship in many cases. when i don't give myself time out in a relationship i get claustrophic and end up taking the dramatic action of leaving altogether! give him space, that will show him you respect him and his wishes. it will also show him you are strong and independent not needy. try and enjoy your space by doing things that you cant do with him x Link to comment
celiaroae100 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 do they? where do you find one? Link to comment
celiaroae100 Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 wow just realised how old this thread is..never-to-late whatever happened in the end?? Link to comment
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