getting better? repeat question,but with an update

[sfindependent]

its been 5weeks since me and my GF of 2 yrs broke up. We have been having trust issues (cheated on her once and was rebounding from a ex of 3yrs) that made the relationship horrible for her the first few months. After a while, things seemed to get better (or so I thought) and we had a blast. But in the end, there were a coupe of things that led to our break up. FIrst was the trust issue (she said I made her feel so bad about herself) and that she was wanted to see other people. Naturally it took me by surprise, I did everything I could to show her I changed my ways, I loved her to no end) and I ended up getting kick in the * * * * 2yrs later after thinking that everything has long been forgotten.

 

ANyway, I've been hounding her for the past 5weeks, and it has gotten me nowhere (I know i shouldnt have, I was distraught) and all i did was push her away. However, during the course of 5weeks, the mutual friends we have (a music community) have gotten closer to her. She goes to the shows and drinks and parties with them, and has gotten EXTREMELY flirty with all the people there. She has insisted that no one has gotten in her pants but she has been really touchy feely ( i dont know if kissy kissy) with them and she has 50% of the guys trotting after her every whim (buy her a drink, share a cigarrette, that kind of stuff). Anyway, she's been spending time with this one guy a lot when she's not at the shows (band practice, dinner, etc) and it has gotten the ex bf jealous. She has told me that she liked him and he liked her back, admitted kissing him on the CHEEK (which is I think a lot of bull) and him kissing her back on the CHEEK as well. Anyway, I saw the kissing happen last saturday. I went to a big show last saturday and I wasnt surprised how much more famous she has become with the people at the shows. She calls everyone by name and hangs out with everyone and gets the most attention out of all the other girls there (she's a really hot, model type redhead with an awesome friendly attitude), knows the bands, etc). I digress, at one point in the party, I saw him/her kiss on the CHEEK again (not in the "hello" kind of way)and I said **** it, I guess its time for me to back off. I left the show with a heavy heart but with a little bit more clearer head.

 

I called her later that night to make sure that she was ok driving and we hung up for the night.

 

****a little more back fground****

 

During the 5weeks, we have maintained constant contact, i mean almost if not everyday ever since we broke up. She has made it clear that she wants to be friends and I have been clear I wanted more. We argue almost everytime but a few hours or a day later, would act like nothing happened. She was lying at first of her activities (going to the guy I hate's band practice, or having dinner with him) but caught and called on her on them so she stopped (or gotten better at them). We would meet up, in hopes to have fun, and then get in argument right before I drop her off.

 

 

So yesterday, I had dinner with her, and we got to talk a little bit more better. I had a lot of things I wanted to say, but remembering someone's post here (THANK YOU), it is better to do nothing at all than do something and mess it up.Something like that. However, we got to talk about certain things and I'm not sure how I should feel.

 

We talked about our past relationship (again) and how she got stuck in the first part of it where I constantly gave her reasons not to trust me, and I fought so hard to gain back the people that we were at the END of the relationship, where we were goody goody and were having a lot of fun with each other. Two different times, two different points of view. She said she can never fully trust me again,but I said I'll do my damndest to try. She said she's happy being single with no commitments and living alone, meeting people at the shows and flirting, but would not have another serious relationship in the near future. I told her I was changing my ways so I myself havent been going out on dates and meeting girls but would always think men are A**holes and would not trust her heart to any of them anymore. She said she can't even give me the trust to believe I'm single right now. Anyway, we left on a really good note, we had a good dinner, no shouting, crying and whatnot. I was able to tell her a few things and she was able to tell me a few things. She even mentioned that I should try to lessen acting like a dad or a BF to her and I completely understand. I told her as I dropped her off that I wish we can be at least have a Mutual understanding relationship and we can take it slow. I know, NO CONTACT but i told her, I love talking to her on the phone and we'll just see each other on the weekend. She said that that was good and thanked me ( i guess its a way for me to quit being pushy towards her). Well, today, I called her and wished her have a good day at school and she hung up. 10mins later, called me up, chatted a bit and then hung up. An hour later (5mins ago) she called me up to say hi as she had a cigarette and agreed we'll talk a little later.

 

I'm confused on how to take this. Should I feel thankful at least we are talking? it is clear (and as she insisted and told me) the guy i'm jealous of is just for her to have fun with, I've seen them at the show and aside from the kiss and a few encounters, seemed like nothing was going on. She also said she didnt want anyone right now and I understood it, and am beginning to respect her choice.

 

I am going with the LC, since one of the reasons why we broke up was lack of trust. I figure I can't go NC right away since, she has feeling of resentment and anger towards me. If I leave abruptly, and come back, those feelings would still be there. But if LC, I can at least lessen that fear first and establish a little trust before hand.

 

Should I feel threatened by forever staying in the friendzone? what are the things I should watch out for?

 

Thanks! sorry for the long post. i will fill whatever questions you have if it will help my situation.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think the "not trusting you" bit is an excuse for her to go out and have fun with other guys. I would give her "not trusting you" a lot more credibility if she was not out there flirting with all the guys. Be very careful with her. All the guys are after her because they think they'll "get lucky". Who she was is not who she seems to be now. Let her go. Don't even be her friend. She wants to be Ms. Popularity with the men, let her but don't count yourself in as one of her groupies. Let her find out the hard way that her popularity is only skin deep and goes just as far as she is willing to put out. Move and and find someone who wants a serious relationship and wants just one man in her life.

[sfindependent]

thanyou crazy, part of me really wants to do that. i told her i understand why she's like that since her self esteem has been shot and with her being cheated on, i would totally do the same. however, i'm afraid of the conmsequences if i let her go fully. she still feels secure with me in certain ways since i've known her longer, and more intimately. you're right, it is superficial and she is totally aware of that, but it makes her feel good all these men (that night, i literally saw about 15-20) make a pass at her. The other thing that I'm afraid of is that in this crowd of musicians and however closer she's gotten with the guy I'm jealous of and his friends, she tends to gravitate towards that circle. I don't want to impose and I don't want to seem like an idiot following her around at events either. I think I handled last saturday pretty well (i had bad nervousness all throughout the day) but only up till I saw her kissing (on the cheek) and hugging the Bas***d.

 

The way I see it, this is a whole new ball game with her. No more exclusivity and there are certain things in her life I can't have the honor of knowing anymore, so I'm approaching it like she's a new woman in my life I want to date later on. Like I just met her or something.

 

I feel like I'm being left behind tho. She's having the time of her life, she lives alone, takes care of herself and has all these friends who love to party.

 

I moved back in with my parents to start school in Sept., I am going to quit my job to focus on it, my old friends don't party, and the friends that do party, she now hangs out with (most of them I met before, but a lot of them became mutual friends we got to know throughout the relationship, and now she's meeting more people at that community than me) Ugh, I know it sounds childish, and immature for me to compare, I should blaze my own path, but coupled with this break up, its so hard to move on and get a good grasp of what's the next best thing to do. Its a shot at yourself esteem, your self worth, your direction and your confidence in yourself.

[sfindependent]

I don't want to make it sound like I'm kaing an excuse, you are right, she is a different person now, but part of me says that she's only like that to cover up some personal issues I know she has. MAybe i should just ride this along for a while, see where it goes. I know that we've discussed being friends and she knows damn well I dont want it to be just that way. right now I don't know what conclusion we've come to but we're talking. I don't want to settle for anything less than a relationship but I also dont want to just disappear and not establish some sort of trust and respect between us.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I'll talk about your last two posts here, I hope that's okay.

 

She said she can never fully trust me again,but I said I'll do my damndest to try. She said she's happy being single with no commitments and living alone, meeting people at the shows and flirting, but would not have another serious relationship in the near future.

 

Believe her, respect her thoughts, if she says "white" there's no reason to think it means "black".

 

Should I feel thankful at least we are talking?

 

Why?, is she some divine being?, is she superior to you?, of course not!, you offer something, she doesn't want it, it's her loss. You deserve a full relationship.

 

 

I am going with the LC, since one of the reasons why we broke up was lack of trust. I figure I can't go NC right away since, she has feeling of resentment and anger towards me. If I leave abruptly, and come back, those feelings would still be there. But if LC, I can at least lessen that fear first and establish a little trust before hand.

 

I'm afraid that's not going to happen, you were in a relationship and she still couldn't deal with things, that means she tried but couldn't, she doesn't trust you, it's just how things are, it's not saying you are not to be trusted, it just says she doesn't has that for you, and you possibly have to get used to the idea of it never changing, learn the lesson and let it go.

 

 

As far as I know, a few people already know about my current situation with my ex. She said she doesnt want a relationship right now but really wants to be friends with me, and doesnt think she can come back to me,knowing that she can't trust me with her heart. I believe I can be trusted in that way and that is what's fueling me to pursue her as a friend right now and hope to God she will find that I can be that man she wants in her life later on. I'm just somebody who made mistakes but is willing to put out a lot of effort in changing that fact. She's partying it up right now flirting with other guys to feel good about herself, but then still talks to me and stringing me along for the ride. I havent quite gotten the ba**s to say NC, since I've been trying to rationalize being friends as a way for me to increase my chances of increasing her trust in me. She has all the reasons to doubt me and I don't know of any way to increase her trust in me by going NC. Now, a buddy of mine talked to me about her and her new life (she's happy living the single life) and how my plan is sure to fail, by me or by her and it scared me again. She's insisted that she does not want a boyfriend and that she hates all men, from what she saw in me (the relationship started out really bad, but ended up really good, but in the back of her mind she had lingering feelings of doubt) and from what she's seeing in the boys that she sees in bars and everywhere else. So now I wanted to write her a letter or tell her how important it is for me to gain that trust back. I know there's a million other fish out there and I can always start fresh, but then again, I want her. Its a sad state we're in and its a sad state I've gotten myself into. I'm giving her a little more breathing space and am trying to use the right words to prevent myself from sounding like a jealous ex or a dad by controlling her actions, even way after the fact that we broke up. I wanted to ride that "good" wave we had last night by putting something a little more emphasis that I am taking that "trust" issue she has on me (i dont care about her distrust over other people) very seriously.

 

It sounds to me like an excuse, "You hurt me now I can make you witness what a cool life I have without you", why would you want such a girl back?, you made a mistake but that doesn't mean you have to "pay" for it forever.

She feels hurt and instead of working on it she looks for validation with a bunch of guys, and you know?, that's HER decision, she has to live however she wants to.

You want to avoid sounding like a dad?, then stop talking to her, stop sitting there waiting and leave her live her life, you have to live yours.

 

You are not there to look after her, she's not a little girl, she's an adult, she can make mistakes or right choices and that is not related to you.

 

Don't send her that letter you wrote, by constantly questioning her, talking to her, or trying to get her attention you are only putting yourself down, I said at the beginning you had to respect her decisions but you also have to respect yourself, if she doesn't want a relationship just walk away with all of your dignity.

 

We all make mistakes, but if we don't learn from them it's all lost. You tried to be a better person, your ex is all over the place and is not interested, fine, you'll find somebody else who is.

Meanwhile just focus on yourself, on going back to school, don't let your self-esteem or the rest of your life to get affected by what happened with this relationship, pick yourself up and keep going.

[sfindependent]

thank you. That sounded really inspirational....

[Momene]

I think one of the hardest things about a break up is actually accepting it's over. Maybe the "new her" is the one that's the real her and just been hidden/suppressed while she was with you.

 

Are you in a famous band, or something?

[sfindependent]

no i wish i was, then id have an easier time forgetting about her if i was.. sigh

[Momene]

Concentrate on your music and forget about her. Does she go round all day thinking of your feelings? Didn't think so!

 

Good luck and take care.

[sfindependent]

I dont know. She calls me out of the blue at times and then would say hi, so i know she would be thinking of me too... But I guess I'm just offering excuses for her...I don't know why I can't get her out of my mind. She'll push, then pull back. Ugh.

[Momene]

She cares but doesn't love you and certainly doesn't want to get back together.

[sfindependent]

yes. I am beginning to see that. What a shame. I really thought that this was the One. Strange to even say it,since I'm always the one who would cheat, lie and "love"less that the other person will. I guess karma has a way of biting everyone in the butt... I need to move on.

 

She said she'll call me tomorrow. But I've got my mind to say just don't. tell her I need time to think myself and heal. If we are to start something again, it has to be new, fresh and light.

[sfindependent]

she said the other day "you ask the wrong questions, you asked me if we'd ever get back together and I said no, but when I feel cornered like that, I lie about it and just say no" and then she said, "I dont want a relationship with you, right now" and all sorts of vague and hanging statements to keep me in the loop.

 

I dont want to be in a serious realtionship with her right now either. things are just so messy. But i don't know how things will or how we can make things less complicated and less drama filled.

[stolenshadow]

Don't look back, if things don't happen with her it means they will with somebody else, all those vague answers shouldn't keep you from moving on, she wants you to feel like you are powerless, because if you walk away it would be like giving up, and you know?, that's not the case, if she's not interested, why would you settle?. And now you are not so much into the idea of a relationship with her either, I repeat, why settle then?.

 

You want to avoid the mess?, just leave, don't listen to the excuses, guilt trips, aggressions or anything that tries to pull you into the chaos and uncertainty, if it's over there's a reason for it, no need to keep questioning or analyzing it, sure there are regrets and sure it's not easy, but if something is not making you happy, it's best to let it go.

[stolenshadow]

Oh I just saw your other thread, sorry about that. How do you start NC?, I think it's better if you call her, if you are waiting for her to call you tomorrow and for some reason she doesn't do it then you'll be stuck, so you just phone and say "I think I need time for myself, I won't contact you anymore and I would prefer it if you do the same", if she keeps phoning or sending texts or whatever, no matter what it is just ignore her.

I believe the best way to inform of NC is with a voice message, no direct talk since it's already complicated to tell a person you don't want to be in touch anymore, but it's up to you really.

[g44]

things happen for a reason...stop worrying about what she is doing. start you own chapter. life is an adventure.

[sfindependent]

I will and I did. I actually called her tonite, I told her I wrote her an email to read it. She said "i dont even want to talk about it right now" she was with the guy she supposedly told to just want to be friends and his band. But that is another long winded story. I told her "two people who care a lot about each other shouldnt need time apart" and told her that we should just stop talking for a while. I told her that all I wanted bottomline is commitment since I am willing to give her 100% of mine, and she said "I cant give you that right now". granted she has other issues other than me but irregardless, I have the same amount of issues and I am willing to still make time for her as well. So I said if you want to go the friend route, I need your commitment in that as well. And she said "you can't be friends with me, thats why this whole Full contact isnt working" true, i give her that. So I said, lets just not talk for a while.

 

She just said "Ok."

[g44]

"I think one of the hardest things about a break up is actually accepting it's over. Maybe the "new her" is the one that's the real her and just been hidden/suppressed while she was with you."

 

I think u have to accept the fact that what u really are guilty of is suppressing her 'identity'. if u are looking at things as the 'old' her and the 'new' her perhaps u were not playing attention to 'all' of her. and i understand that happens at times, but, if u were the one that did all the crappy stuff and keep her from just being herself - you should let her fullfill her dreams and do some more work on becoming a more aware person and a better person. everyone can do it, trust in yourself.

 

stay kewl

[Momene]

Quite honestly, you should not even think of her at the moment. I know it's hard because I've been there myself. Maybe you're not ready to think of dating someone else but when you are, it's the best thing you can do.

 

If you can get away for a while, it will help.

[sfindependent]

yeah, that's why I've been spending a good deal of time with a good friend. She's known me the longest here in the US and she's known how I've truly been acting when i'm in a relationship. how so? she's the ex before the ex. and no, i have to clarify, there is absolutely no way we would get bcak together....

[Momene]

Could you and the ex ex go on a holiday or even a short trip together?

[sfindependent]

eh, maybe. I dont know. is there a reason why? I'm not really interested in having a relationship with my ex ex as far as romance is involved. maybe forget about the whole thing?

 

as far as my ex goes (the newest one, man, i seem to rack em up!) i called her last night and told her that we shouldnt speak anymore. we cant be on the right page and I cant go on not knowing whats going to happen.

 

i'm a bit of a romantic, but is it good to give up on someone you truly love and care for? I know it maybe one sided as far as reciprocation is involved, but i dont know if the idea of leaving someone you love and walking away is what part of love is

[Momene]

Do you have an ex ex ex or even an ex ex ex ex?

[sfindependent]

hahaha, they all live in a different country tho. yes I am SOL. I'm going to school this semester and I'm counting on that to get my mind off of her.