Rebound Relationships

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

As i sit here ...reading the paper with a cup of D&D pondering past relationships. i wonder...what is the definition of a rebound relationship? How do you know when you are in one? How do you know when you are the rebounder or the reboundee?

 

Is there a time frame inbetween relationships that should be given to prevent a "rebound"?

 

According to Charlotte from Sex in the city... (an expert in her own right lol) it takes half the time of the total relationship to be "over it"... and according to Dr. Joy Brown you need to take 1 year of no relationships in order to heal from past relationships. I'm sure it's not so cut and dry.

 

So as i sit here and ponder relationships...i wonder... How many were rebounds? how many were just relationships that didn't work and what do i need to do to stop/prevent the rebound cycle?

 

opinons, suggestions, thoughts?

[ElektraHere]

WOW! HHWH

 

I never really thought of that myself. I mean do we even count the little relationships. I hear people telling me get back on the horse again. But then how many of my past relationships were bound to be over because of a rebound?

Now you have me thinking about that. I may not feel so bad if they were rebounders.

I will have to ponder this a bit more with a cup of good ol Seattle coffee ;-)

 

You NJ people and your DnD coffee

[rose2summer]

My rule of thumb is 50 days or less after break-up is a rebound,

 

Where I came up with that number, I am not sure,

 

I think you are rebounding when you have residual feelings towards your ex,

 

That they still cross your mind, you wonder what they are doing,

 

Once you completely let go of them,

 

And let your wounds heal,

 

Then I think you are no longer rebounding.

 

Cheers!

 

Rose

[rose2summer]

Elektra!

 

Seattle coffee is so incredibly good!

 

Hmmm, I am going to get myself a banana and coconut frappucino,

 

Since I only have starbucks in my area.

 

Rose

[ElektraHere]

Watch out they are as fattening as about 4 Big Macs..

 

HHWH

 

I am really intrigued by this thought of yours. Girl you really know how to get me thinking in a good way your the best!

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Yes Elektra we like our d&d....lol

 

I agree Rose.

 

this is a serious question...but can you rebound from a rebound and just create a cycle of rebound relationships?

 

Also, does anyone know what the signs are that you are/were in a rebound relationship?

[NJRon]

I think you are rebounding when you have residual feelings towards your ex,

 

I agree with this... in as much as you are instead reaching out for someone to replace the object of those feelings. In essense, the rebound is a surrogate person to either deposit your feelings of love or overcome residual feelings of pain that are still unresolved.

 

As for having an ex cross your mind... I don't think that is quite an issue. Anyone who has had a significant impact on your life will cross your mind from time-to-time. I don't see that as the same thing.

 

P.S. It's funny too that I have been living out here for 10 years and don't know what D&D is... *sigh*... I just recently learned what Hot Dogs "All The Way" are...

[rose2summer]

Yes, you can realize you are rebounding:

Also, does anyone know what the signs are that you are/were in a rebound relationship?

 

I was in a 5 yr relationship and then 2 weeks later, entered the 1 yr relationship that brought me to ENA.

 

Was I rebounding?

 

Of course!

 

Did my relationship fail?

 

Of course!

 

Don't rebound, it hurts all parties involved.

 

You know you are rebounding when you can't get too close to the other person,

 

Your ex crosses your mind every once in a while,

 

You stay in contact with your ex while with the new guy,

 

It's not fair to anyone involved,

 

And I feel very guilty for having done it,

 

But won't do it again,

 

Cheers!

 

Rose

 

Watch out they are as fattening as about 4 Big Macs..

 

But they are so delicious!

 

I am going to the gym really soon, so I will work-out to burn off my banana-coconut frappucino, lol!

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Thanks NJRon..I agree

 

d&d=dunkin donuts

 

Another question: Can you have a lifetime of rebound relationships because of lack of a positive relationship from a parent? For instance if the relationship with a parent was strained due to abuse either physical or mental - so you search and long to fill that emptiness that was left because you wanted love from that specific parent and didn't receive it? Does anyone think that could cause a lifetime of "rebounds" in search of that love?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Enjoy your coffee Rose and your work out.

[rose2summer]

Thanks HHWH,

 

I will definitely enjoy it,

 

I need to work out for 4 hrs to burn off my coffee! lol

 

Ha Ha!

 

Rose

[NJRon]

I could see co-dependency could be a result of unresolved issues due to childhood... including neglect and abuse.

 

Co-dependency can lead to unhealthy relationships as well as a desire to use a relationship to "fill the void".

 

Without appropriate time alone, to resolve the actual issues, relationships, instead, become an escape from it... in essense, becoming addicted to relationships as an unhealthy coping mechanism.

[NJRon]

Hmm.. just wanted to add that... as I feel the root of co-dependency is a lack of self-esteem/personal fulfillment, then perhaps it would be better if I had instead used those terms.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

NJRon- you feel that codependency is a cause for the rebound relationship syndrome? can you explain your thoughts?

[NJRon]

Just to be clear, I feel it is *a* cause... not *the* cause.

 

I feel that a person, lacking a certain something in their early life can actively seek out relationships that fulfill that aspect they are missing. Instead of filling it themselves.

 

I feel that co-dependency is often a result of neglect, abuse, etc, from childhood (or early relationship)... Since that "missing item" was a result of another individual (for example, if a parent was criticising or neglectful) then the desire to have it resolved is also externalized. Thus, a constant seeking to have that "missing item" provided by someone else.

 

In doing so, a co-dependent will often latch on to others that they feel will fulfill that role, regardless of any other 'red flags'. In fact, they seek out partners that exhibit no capability to provide that need because they want to "fix" that person... just like they wish their early relationship was "fixed".

 

They want to change another to fill a need, both because they hold onto the the hurt it caused them and have not resolved it internally *and* because they want to create closure... If someone already provides that "missing thing", then there is no closure, because the person isn't changing the behavior. So... it is seeking externally to come to closure, instead of internally.

 

The string of relationships can be due to numerous things. Anything from the fact that the perosn is constantly engagin in toxic relationships, to the fact that when they find someone that is already whole, they, for some reason, don't have the strong desire to truly engage in the relationship, since there is nothing to fix.

 

The fact that the person isn't really experiencing any personal growth (which often takes alone time or a nurturing relationship) results in a repeating cycle.

 

I really need to work on a better way of explaining my thoughts... hehe

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

no I think you did great- i understand what you are you saying and it has provided me some food for thought.

 

I just wonder how you break the cycle. I feel as though i have pretty healthy thoughts about relationships and a good understanding of myself- however, i seem to choose partners who are not emotionally available - either ever- or at that point in their life. I then become unhappy in the relationship, feel unfulfilled and ultimately end the relationship because my needs are not being met.

 

make sense?

[NJRon]

For a long time I sought out unavailable women. It wasn't until I realized what I was doing that I started pursuing available ones.

 

It wasn't until I resolved that issue, that I was able to enjoy a relationship with someone who *wasn't* emotionally unavilable. But, it is definitely something I keep my eyes on. It's something that I have to work to ensure that I am not being attracted to someone because of their unavailabilty.

 

People are unavialable at different times in their lives. So, I don't necessarily think that someone being unavailable at a particular point in time is the issue. I just need to make sure that it is someone who is not a person who could never become available.

 

It's pretty tough actually... a lot of people withold themselves early in a relationship and, unfortuntely, it isn't until it's too late that you find that the person wasn't just exercising due caution, versus being unable to even offer themselves ever.

[ElektraHere]

hmmmm this is all so interesting. I find that I am the one who is aloof at first and don't pay much heed to them. Then I switch gears and then come to find out they were never really available to me.

 

This thread is so facinating. I truly am looking at things with a different perspective.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

i have found in my travels on the road of relationships that people who give up too much of themselves early in the relationship are usually the ones who are unavailable and the ones that go slowly, take their time and get to know you are the ones who are available.

[NJRon]

That's interesting HHWH... I found that I often gave up too much of myself early in a relationship. Changing to be the person they wanted me to be, and not the person *I* wanted to be. Perhaps I was just as unavailable as the other person I was with.

 

I do find myself still thinking forward a lot... but, even though I am a forward thinker, I do find that I take more time to get to know someone before totally attaching. So, perhpas that's a sign of positive growth on my part.

 

Yes, this has been a really good thread for me...

[NJRon]

As an aside, I do also look for people that embody things that I find admirable. And, in a sense, traits that I want to exhibit and be surrounded by. However, when I recognize that, I tend to change because I see it as positive growth for me... and not to attract the person. I think that's a key differentiation between how I used to act and how I do now.

[Aurian]

My feeling is that if you start a new relationship when you are still very emotional over the previous one, then it will be a rebound relationship. If you are feeling sad/mad/depressed/etc many times a week over your ex, then if you get into a rebound relationship, you will bring that emotional baggage with you. You will react differently to things (he reminds you of your ex, or you're feeling needy and wanting affirmation).

 

Course, this is only my opinion intellectually. This is my first breakup (at 27!) and I have no intention of messing up my heart with rebound relationships.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

NjRon- I agree with you about the positive changes we make when in a relationship - kinda like " you make me want to be a better man" ... so there is definitely a distinction between changing for yourself and changing for someone else.

 

I understand what everyone is saying about "still having feelings for the ex and getting into another relationship" ...but i often wonder how does someone who is not rebounding know that they are in a relationship with someone who IS rebounding or do only two rebounders get together..lol (if it were only that simple).

[joeG]

I too, never thought about this. And it really does make a lot of sense.

 

I was in a 2 year relationship a couple years back. And when it ended, I was a wreck for months and months to come. I eventually healed, and told myself I'd stay away from relationships for a while.

 

I had a few "flings" here and there. But I stayed single. And grew a LOT as a person. I got to that point, where I was happy, with myself. I was happy being single, happy not wanting/needing anyone.

 

And it wasn't until I hit that part of my life, that I really opened up to someone else.

 

Unfortunately, I'm still healing over "someone" else. But once again, I'll pull myself back up, and wait until I get that "ok im healed" feeling before I jump into anything else.

 

I think - people that jump into relationships within weeks or a couple months after having a long relationship (granted it was a decent relationship), get weak. Just like everyone is saying, they need to "fill that void". They look for it in someone else, when really they should be looking for it within themselves.

[TheRedQueen]

When you or the other person is still in love with their former S.O., you are in a rebound relationship.