Are they all like this?

[sagirl]

Can someone out there please tell me why people are so pigheaded?

 

When someone wants something, really badly, but they don't go for it because of damn pigheadedness, stuborness, pride and stupid face saving reasons, how do you talk to them to make them listen to what you are saying?

 

I have tried the direct approach, didn't work. Tried being patient, didn't work. Tried everything I can think of.

 

Long story made short, the ex and I split almost 5 months ago. He is making some ridiculous choices at the moment, I know he wants me back, I want him back. He is the most stubborn man in the world. If I suggest anything, he does the exact opposite just to prove his point.

 

Any suggestions on getting him to listen?

[RayKay]

I think people are stubborn when they don't want to do something they feel pressured too do, and I sure don't think that makes someone 'pigheaded'.

 

You can't MAKE him listen. He has to want to listen, and want to make those choices. They may seem ridiculous to you, but he is choosing to make them...and apparently you are still "sticking around" anyway so there is no incentive for him to make a choice either way.

 

What makes you think he wants you back? Don't you think if he really did...and you really did, you would be together? In my experience, it is a very, very, very rare thing that someone does not get back together because of stubborness. It may mean they may have to swallow some pride...but maybe he is this "resistant" because he does not want to be pressured into something he does not really want?

[DN]

If I suggest anything, he does the exact opposite just to prove his point.

Suggest the opposite of what you want him to do.

 

Or more seriously, try to engage him in a way that isn't argumentative, or makes him feel defensive.

[sagirl]

He has said that he does want to be with me, to me and other people. He still loves me, but "can't do it right now".

 

I have tried not to pressure him, but always end up saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, and blowing everything. I have tried NC so many times, but never get past 1 day. Am trying to give him the space he needs, but something always happens and we end up contacting eachother all the time.

 

When I say he is making ridiculous choices, I don't just mean about not being with me. He is saying and doing really stupid things at the moment. It isn't just me that he won't listen to. Family members are trying to talk sense into him about these things, and he just won't listen.

[RayKay]

Well, I think sweetie your best best IS to stay strong and limit contact...because this isn't working for you, right?

 

If he does need some time to figure things out, you being there and putting pressure on (intentional or not) does not help. Nor does you taking on that role of "trying to talk sense into him". He is an adult, and can and will make his own decisions...and learn from them be it positive or negative.

 

If he can't do it right now....that won't change. Maybe it will, but I don't think you should put your whole life and healing on for it too either. You can be supportive, and still allow yourself time and space to heal.

 

I noted on another post you broke it off with him after 6.5 years together, what were the reasons for that? Maybe part of it now is he is hurt from that? Or maybe on the other hand it brought to the forefront other issues in the relationship that make him unsure of getting back together?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Many people are stubborn and not because they just don't want to do something. There are a lot of people out there who cut off their noses to spite their face because they want something to be their decision or because "nobody tells me what to do". People are complex and sometimes they have to learn the hard way that their behaviour is driving people away. So many times you see on this board, people who have known they are misbehaving with their partner and once it drives them away, they regret their actions. Stubborness and pigheadedness came back and bit them on the butt. You have to back off and go about your life without him. He might not see things clearly right away but over time he might realize what his actions have cost him. Pushing him will drive him further away so you need to let him come to you. If others are trying to talk sense to him and he is shutting down, there is something up with him. He needs to get whatever it is out of his system, or, he may have to hit rock bottom with his attitude before he wakes up and changes his attitude. Only he can do that and no amount of outside pressure will help.

[stuck in a rut]

I was kinda in the same situation before, i got to a point where I thought, fine, so I said to her that I am not gonna bother trying to get her back, that I have tried, felt stupid so Iam gonna leave it. She said fine. the next day she got back with me.

 

I think the difference is that for a long time the ball was in her court, until I turned it round. She knew that if SHE wanted to get back with me then she could whenever she liked, as soon as the element of it possibly being MY choice came in to it then her thought process changed.

 

If you threaten to back off maybe his feelings for you will outway his pigheadedness as it might not be down to him so much anymore

[sagirl]

Thanks for your replies guys, this all helps.

 

That is the problem, I keep promising him and myself that the contact will end, but neither of us seem able to stick to it.

 

This time though, I am really going to stick to it! Something got me so angry today that I just dont want to speak to him right now. That is the first time that has happened. Usually, when I get angry at something with him, I phone or text him and we end up having an argument and it just makes things worse. For some reason, it is different today.

 

I kind of feel that maybe being so angry at him now is helping me a bit, because i cant focus on the hurt or pain, or anything else for that matter, apart for the anger over what he has done today. Maybe the anger will see me through the first tough days of NC. I know anger is not good, if I saw him now I would probably knock his block off, but it is stopping me from texting or phoning him.

 

In recent days I have been buying all new furniture, which he knows about, and surely that would be a sign to him that I have accepted things as being over. I didn't think I would have to go this far though. He was taken aback by my purchases, lets hope it jolts him enough to want to sort his head out and do the right thing. I think even the kids are starting to realise it is over for good.

 

I am going to be strong this time damn it! I will go through with the NC (unless for the kids), and i will start to feel better. I will I will I will!

 

Oh please tell me I will, I will be sectioned if I have to go through another 5 months like this.

 

RayKay- it was the straw that broke the camels back I suppose. He is scared that I will up and leave again the minute things go wrong again. He needs to be able to trust that when he comes home form work, that me and the kids will still be there. When I left, it was a last resort, supposed to be kick up the backside. I have learned that I went one step to far, have also learned that I really don't want to be away from him ever again, so in turn have discovered that i would never leave again.

[sillygurl]

Not sure if I posted this already or not, but what about couples counselling? You have to learn to talk to one another w/out fighting for the kids' benefit anyway, have you explored counselling? I doubt it could hurt. Good luck!

[sagirl]

Sillygurl - We have not tried counselling, it's not something we thought of doing. I doubt he would go for it anyway.

 

We do talk without fighting, most of the time. We never fight in front of the kids. Most of the time we talk fine, we call and text eachother at all times of the day and night, we even sit and drink together at friends' houses. It is totally weird. It is like we are together but just live apart and don't have the benifits. The only time we fight is if I have suggested something he doesn't like. He goes into a mood, starts telling me to leave him alone and stop pestering him. After a few hours though, he is texting again and talking to me like nothing ever happened in the first place. It is bewildering!

 

That is why I have decided to do NC with him, I told him it was up to him if he wanted to contact me, that way the ball is in his court and I can't pester him. I am on day 2 now, it's the longest I have managed so far. I keep checking my phone every 5 minutes, it is making me nuts, but I am sticking to it.