My heart is completely broken

[forsythia]

Ok. I have read a lot on here about how we seem to fall in love with our best friends and they usually do not return the same feelings.

Let me tell you what happened to me. I will try to summarize it. BTW we are both female(lesbians) and in our 30's.

 

1. Met a girl back in September, at the time I didn't think anything of her, I was not attracted to her at the time. (she also had a girlfriend at this time)

2. I noticed she is a very flirty person. By November I was starting to get a crush on her.

3. Her g/f moves to another state (900 miles away) end of November.

4. Now my sorta crush out of the blue starts calling me all of the time. Phone calls that last 3 - 4 hours every single night.

5. We both are very emotional with eachother. Like telling each other emotional stuff, secrets, she tells me things she has never told her g/f.

We discuss her relationship with long distance girl. My sorta crush is not sure she wants to be in a relationship anymore. This relationship was a rebound from a previous 3 year relationship that was abusive (emotionally/physically). My sorta crush was in all kinds of debt b/c of the abusive 3-year-old relationship.

6. Ok so I was there for her. Listened to her, supported her, we were intimate with eachother (cuddling, hold hands)

7. As time goes by I realize I really like this girl. She is everything I would want in a partner & could honestly spend the rest of my life with her.

8. I start seeing some girl in February. I take her to one of our practices. I notice sorta crush doesnt speak to me & acts like shes pissed.

9. I start spending lots of time with my February girl. Sorta crush girl calls me on phone while I am with Feb girl. Gets weird on the phone.

10. March rolls around. My sorta crush girls calls me on the phone as soon as I walk in door after work to tell me she is going to break it off with her long distance girl and asks if my february girl would be OK with me dating others.

11. That same night we go out. My sorta crush(best friend) and I sleep together for the first time.

This is her reply "Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. I have feelings for you too. You are right though in that I need to take some time, so I don't repeat anything like my last situation.

I'm thinking that I would like to have an even closer friendship than what we have. That will give us both time to heal. Then if we still feel the same when we are done working on ourselves we can talk about what comes next. I think it is possible and I have even talked about it with ..... But right now relationships scare me""I do think I will want to date, but I know whenever that happens it will not be serious. I don't want that kind of fling with you. Inside I'm thinking if we would start something now it would be bad because we both are not ready. But I can't really say that about you because only you can answer that one""So I do not know what is next. I don't know if we could be physical with each other and be with other people. That may be weird. I may get jealous, maybe I would be okay with it. I have thought about it and don't know how to answer that one. Maybe until we figure that one out we should really try to be emotionally intimate and really cuddle. Heh, heh... that may be hard.""You shouldn't feel sorry for telling me this. I was wondering what was next too""

 

12. One night in APril we were out at a dinner, made out and she asked me to come home and cuddle with her, ended up having sex again.

 

13. We just seem to be getting closer and closer. My feelings for her have gone out of control. I want to be with her so bad. She still calls me all of the time, cuddle, hang out with her every single day, all weekends, ect. Slept together again in June. Also in June I can remember her saying to me "thanks for not pressuring me like my ex g/f does." and "what i like about you is your responsible, own a house, can keep a job, ect."

How would you all read into that?

 

14. Since she was having these financial problems I invited her to move in with me to help her out. I brought up my feelings again. Now I am in the worst pain ever. I love this woman and she broke my heart.

 

15. She tells me Not to wait for her and for me to date. (Which really meant "I will never date you." b/c I asked her) She told me I read into everything she says. That yes she did have feelings for me, but realized it was all emotional. She basically told me the sex meant nothing. her words "i thought we were just having fun." or "I had been drinking and when I get drink I get horny." "I want to feel passion for who I am with." "I need attraction."

She said she wants an open relationship, but isn't ready for a relationship with anyone and not to worry she isnt ready to start dating yet.

So right now I think she is a * * * * *. She hurt me so bad, confused the hell outta me.

Our friendship is no longer intimate. She lives with me. I live everyday looking at this woman, wishing, wanting to hold her, to kiss her. but that will never happen.

apparently she doesnt think i am good enough. yes i was good enough to ***.

she talks about someone she has a crush on and i asked her not to talk to me about it b/c it hurts. she came back with "well you made out with someone in front of me and you are the one dating right now, but it doesnt bother me."

 

Well boys and girls I am extremely hurt. My self-esteem is at a all time new low. I love her and I hate her at the sametime. I don't understand her thinking. I don't understand how someone can go from those kind of extremes. One minute she has feelings & is jealous, next she just wants to be friends. She did tell me that when I told her I was madly in love with her, she freaked out and ran.

I already told her I couldn't promise a friendship with her. She got upset.

Even though we live together,, she emails me constantly at work. She freaks when I don't reply soon enough or if I give her one line replies. If I dont email her she emails me to say hey.

 

It really sucks when the person you connect with, are so compataibale with in every possible way can't return the feelings. I always thought maybe she was scared. I am everything that she has talked about wanting, (characteristics) but just not me.

[No Spaces Rob]

I'm really sorry to hear of your situation.

 

Living with her has to be awkward. If it hurts you, it's bad for you. It sounds like she doesn't really understand, and trying to make her understand is just hurting you worse.

 

Hopefully she'll understand that you need some time to yourself, if you move out.

 

I was in love with a girl who had simply couldn't comprehend that I could love her. And she was similarly cruel to me when I told her how how I felt. With your girl I think it's just part of the way she is coping with it, and not comprehending that you have strong feelings for her.

 

It feels bad to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. But it feels really horrible to be in love with someone who doesn't even believe you when you tell them and thinks it is some sort of deception.

 

You need to move on somehow, and it will involve taking care of yourself without worrying about what she thinks, because you are the more damaged, and I can't see how it can happen without you moving out.

[rose2summer]

Taking a friendship to a new level can have 2 effects:

 

1) You are deeply in love with your best friend OR

 

2) You become even more friendzoned and it turns into a friends of benefits situation

which is what transpired with you

 

I say go no contact, move on as another poster suggested, and accept it as a lost friendship. Once you cross the border, there is a no return policy.

 

Hugs to you.

 

Rose

[robowarrior]

Well to me its clear that both of you have come to a dead end. I advice you to close this chapter, and start writing a new page , that doesn't include her in your life. I would leave the same house that you are in , or let her leave. What im saying is that two being together will only cause you to suffer unbearable pain. I have doubts about her flirting campaign in the beginning with you to start with, for your self esteem its best to step out of her life for good.

[rose2summer]

I agree with the warrior here. You need to move out or she needs to. There is no way to move on if you are living together. With time, your pain will subside. Wounds heal only if they are not constantly inflicted.

[forsythia]

Yes I know. This is hard. She moved into my house b/c of financial problems. I care so much about this person. We connect in every possible way. I really do not want to lose her. I'm just not sure how to stop my feelings.

I can't believe I allowed this to happen to me again. I got out of a long-term relationship last summer. I took a year to work on myself, to heal, now I am healing all over again. I opened up to this "friend", I let her in, now don't trust her or anything she says.

I just don't understand why everything has to be so hard. Right now I don't believe in relationships. Everywhere I look relationships fall apart.

All everyone wants is to sleep around. I can't. I am not like that. I think I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life.

See my ex 3 months before she started cheating me told me "I love you so much and I don't understand what's going on with you." (thats another story). 3 months later she's in love with someone else.

The current situation is similar. Their words dont match their actions. Or actions dont match the words.

I am back where I was at a year ago. It's like I took 10 giant steps back. I've tried dating recently, but freaked out. I was emotionally numb and didn't want these people to like me.

My "friend" makes me feel ugly and that I am not good enough. She seems to get into abusive relationships, relationships where the other person is addicted to something (ie. gambling, drugs) and the maturity level of the other person involved sucks.

I suck. I am to nice. I am not good enough.

[rose2summer]

Hang in there, with time you will feel increasingly better.

 

I know it feels horrible to get hurt but you will move past it with time.

 

Life is mysterious but I think everything happens for a reason, and the reason this happened was because she wasn't the right woman for you.

 

Good luck!

 

Rose

[forsythia]

So I guess I misinterperted this email after the first time we had sex. Or that was just a nice way of her saying NO.

 

""Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. I have feelings for you too. You are right though in that I need to take some time, so I don't repeat anything like my last situation.

I'm thinking that I would like to have an even closer friendship than what we have. That will give us both time to heal. Then if we still feel the same when we are done working on ourselves we can talk about what comes next. I think it is possible and I have even talked about it with ..... But right now relationships scare me""I do think I will want to date, but I know whenever that happens it will not be serious. I don't want that kind of fling with you. Inside I'm thinking if we would start something now it would be bad because we both are not ready. But I can't really say that about you because only you can answer that one""So I do not know what is next. I don't know if we could be physical with each other and be with other people. That may be weird. I may get jealous, maybe I would be okay with it. I have thought about it and don't know how to answer that one. Maybe until we figure that one out we should really try to be emotionally intimate and really cuddle. Heh, heh... that may be hard.""You shouldn't feel sorry for telling me this. I was wondering what was next too""

"