Is The Dumper Really Doing Just Fine Without The Dumpee?

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone

 

I'm trying to stay strong & have managed 3 weeks & 3 days of NC but deep inside I feel hurt, so much hurt that I don't think I can bear this all anymore.

 

I just wanted to know what you guys think of this

"IS THE DUMPER REALLY DOING JUST FINE WITHOUT THE DUMPEE?"

 

Do they feel the pain as much as the dumpee does? Do they miss us? Or is everything just going fine without the dumpee. How can they seem to be moving on so fast & how are they able to keep away & keep NC so easily when they love the dumpee. I just want to know this 'cause I just keep thinking of how my ex seems to be so fine without me in his life, how he has kept NC so easily, how he could end off things with me like he did and keep me here with no closure and so much pain but yet when he loves me as much as he said he did.

 

Almost 10 years & this is what I get? This is what it comes to? This is how much he loves me?

 

He has messed me up & I can't seem to get past all this. It has happened so many times & he always just walks away when the going gets tuff. But then comes running back as soon as he feels he may be losing me.

 

For those who know my previous threads you will know I have been on here since Aug 2004 (the time around when he first broke up with me after 7 years) but we have been on & off ever since then making up then breaking up and how much he has put me through for these past years.

 

I just don't know anymore. I decided to go NC because this time he didn't end things properly & just ended things without giving me proper closure and by just doing NC with me. So I guess I was left with no choice. I thought that I would be okay & that eventually he would speak to me if I gave him some time. But I have not heard a thing & just don't know how he could just forget about me & just want me out of his life just like that if he loves me so much & after the nearly 10 years we have experienced together.

 

 

I'm just hurting so much & I know I cannot break NC so to not push him away anymore or chase him. I just feel so weak & feel he has all the power over me especially after blaming me for everthing & just walking away once again.

 

How can he SEEM TO BE doing JUST fine without me WHEN HE LOVED ME AS HE SAID HE DID & AFTER SO MANY YEARS TOGETHER.

 

Please give me some advice. I'm just so mixed up and not sure what to think anymore.

 

 

 

LostAngel

[Orlander]

"IS THE DUMPER REALLY DOING JUST FINE WITHOUT THE DUMPEE?"

 

Yes! He is doing famously...at least as far as you are concerned. Imagining him in dispair, in pain, and regreting his actions is not allowing you to move on. As long as you see that door not being closed completely, you'll always try to put that foot in the door.

 

Rest assurd that he probably is in pain to some degree. If it hasnt hit him yet he probably will have bouts of sadness and longing for you, but what good does that do you? Does it justify the length or depth of your relationship?

 

Yes, it's hard. I have been through something very similiar to what you are going through. At some point you just forgive and to some degree forget and move on.

 

Whether you think about how good the relationship was or how bad it was, how he loves you still or how he is indifferent towards you now is not helping you to heal. Not saying you need to heal today...it takes time, but keep this in mind.

 

 

Orlander

[Jayar]

I sympathize with you... I too wondered how my ex could go from being in love with me to being practically strangers... Then I realized that if he is able to do that then it wasn't the kind of love I wanted anyway. You are not losing what you think you're losing... You're losing what you want him to be but he isn't.

 

I wonder if this relationship was filled with a lot of YOUR compromising in order to make things work? Sometimes we try to force things that are not meant to be. Try to learn from this. I have learned that I will end a relationship the moment I feel my affection isn't 100% reciprocated. Remember, just because a relationship went on for a long time, it doesn't mean that it was a GOOD relationship or that both parties were happy.

 

My advice is to chalk this up to a lesson that YOU deserve someone who loves you so much that you don't EVER have to wonder or worry about them. If a relationship causes you pain continually, move on!

 

Good luck.

[amtjrtcet]

I left my ex of 6 yrs back in Feb. for many reasons. I started seeing him when I was 17, and over the last 6yrs we both changed so much we just grew apart. He was and still is crushed. He wants me to come back. I wouldn't go back b/c I wasn't happy for the last 2 yrs.............but I do miss him terribly. I miss our friendship and the way we use to laugh. After I left him I cried myself to sleep for months.

So in my case, no-the dumper was not fine.

[sagirl]

In my case too, the dumper has not been fine.

 

Fair enough, when I left my partner of 6 1/2 years it was only supposed to be a wake up call, not forever. It has just turned out that way.

 

It is almost 5 months now since the split and I still can't let go. I suppose you could say that in effect, I was actually the dumpee. I guess i experienced it from both sides at the same time. Neither side is any better than the other.

[empty421]

Remember, just because a relationship went on for a long time, it doesn't mean that it was a GOOD relationship or that both parties were happy.

 

that is really good advice Jayar... i think that is how i feel a lot of the time... its like "it was over 3 years of my life"... but you are so right

 

although I am the dumpee this time, ive been the dumper in the past... and although it is a different kind of pain it still hurts and you sympathize with the person you left and loved... i cried for weeks after i ended things with a past boyfriend... but then again thats just me.. everyone is different

[brando]

It really all depends on the person the dumper and the dumpee are, the conditions of the break up, etc, etc. I have known people who have broken up and without any time apart are friends with one another. Either they both hide their emotions well, or it was a mutual agreement between the couple. I don't know.

 

I am beiginning to realize that the more incomplete one may feel within themselves, will determine the amount of hurt and the time needed to get past the relationship that once was.

 

I am sure all dumpers mourn the past realtionship, if it is for three minutes, three months or three years depends on the individual.

[Riggz41510]

I think when you're with a person for so many years.. Then the person just ups and leaves, it kind of makes you feel as if the relationship wasn't anything.. It kind of invalidates all of the years invested.. That's why I think people have such a hard time letting go of the longer relationships..

 

A lot of the time the dumper's already have a prospect in mind when leaving, so it makes their transition a lot easier.. When the dumpee is most of the time blind sided..

[Riggz41510]

I don't know how much of this is true.. But the times my ex broke up with me.. I just assumed she was living "La Vida Loca" but when we would get back together she would tell me she was miserable, cried couldn't sleep etc..

 

I found it hard to believe because if that was the case, why did she never reach out too me? When she finally came around, I feel in my heart it was because her new romance wasn't working out.. She claims it wasn't the case..I have my doubts

[LostAngel]

Thanks Orlander

 

I know I should try let go & move on but its like he is a part of me that I can't live without. We have been through so much together & I just don't know how he can just walk away from someone he loves.

 

I am trying to keep up the NC but its just so hard. We have been through this so many times but I just end up being left here hurting. I'm trying to let go but don't know if I ever can.

 

 

LostAngel

[Riggz41510]

Thanks Orlander

 

I know I should try let go & move on but its like he is a part of me that I can't live without. We have been through so much together & I just don't know how he can just walk away from someone he loves.

 

I am trying to keep up the NC but its just so hard. We have been through this so many times but I just end up being left here hurting. I'm trying to let go but don't know if I ever can.

 

 

LostAngel

 

I know how hard it can be to let go.. I've been trying for a while now.. I guess its like kicking a drug habit.. I've heard that failing is a part of actually kicking the drug habit..

 

I've loved my ex despite all she has put me through. And when ever she is ready to come back, I'm always there with open arms.. We love them so much and feel that eventually one day they will realize how much we care and all of a sudden change and show us the same type of love.. Guess what it may never happen..

 

I'm not one to tell you to "move on" or find someone new" lord knows I hate hearing that advice, but I guess only you will know when you've had enough..

 

Take care

[Speedway]

I acted quite similarly as the guy in your situation. I've described what I've been going through here:

 

However, not once did I manage to really forget her and I had no one new during our time apart. I felt terrible for her, for me and for the whole situation and a part of me still does. I did try to cut contact but the problem for me was that we kept in touch "as friends". For me it was like old days without the physical part of the relationship and I thought I could live with it. Now that the roles have been reversed I'm hoping to be able to move on like she did.

 

I hope to have learned from my doings to never put anyone (me included) through the same again. If the same happens (breaking up/getting back again) time and time again, there must be something that is just not clicking. The best for both is then to just forget and that is what I'm doing now. I hope things get easier for you, too.

[LostAngel]

Thanks Jayar

 

I was the one who always seemed to try to make things work and there was always alot of compromise especially on my part.

 

But I was not trying to force it at all as one moment he would be fully comitted to me & our relationship & then will just walk away when the going gets tuff then come back when he thought he may be losing me.

 

If you read my previous threads you will see this is not the first time he has just broken up with me.

 

This time Just a few weeks before he broke up with me we were looking for a place together & seemed to be getting closer then after a few fights he would just almost change completely & not be as commited.

 

Its just so confusing because I never gave up on him.

 

 

LostAngel

[LostAngel]

Thanks Michelleth

 

You know One thing he said to me before he broke up with me & always seems to be true to us is...

 

"we can't live with each other but can't live without each other"

 

 

 

I guess he is right...This hurts so much.

 

 

LostAngel

[whatchamacallit]

Jayar has really good advice. I too, as a dumpee don't know how they can move on so easily. I work with my dumpee and he met someone in February and they were planning on getting married in May. God, it hurt when I found out about his pending marriage. She ended up dumping him because he was rushing things so quickly. duh! He came running back to me.

 

But, it made me wonder how much he could have loved me if he could turn around so quickly, meet someone, and plan a marriage after just a few short months. Makes me wonder if he loved me, or just hates to be alone.

 

I sympathize with you!

[Riggz41510]

Thanks Michelleth

 

One thing he said to me before he broke up with me & always seems to be true to us is...

 

"we can't live with each other but can't live without each other"

 

This hurts so much.

 

 

LostAngel

 

Its funny.. because what do you do when the cause and the cure is your ex??? It sucks big time

[LostAngel]

Thanks sagirl

 

Deep inside even though I haven't spoken to him I do think that this is all hurting him as much as me but the difference is that I have never & would never walk away from him the person I love more than anything.

 

I'm mot sure Ill ever be able to let go too...

 

 

LostAngel

[LostAngel]

Thanks empty421

 

The worst thing as that this time we had a fight over the phone & it pushed him to saying he was breaking up with me but then after that he went into LC where he would only answer some of my calls & messages but then turned into NC because we would always end up fighting. I feel that I do not have full closure because we didn't speak much after that & he did not end it off properly with me he just went NC and left me not knowing what was going on for sure or where I stood.

 

He also seemed to blame me for everything too & this is keeping me blaming myself now.

 

 

I just wish I new how he really felt about doing this to me.

 

 

 

 

LostAngel

[LostAngel]

Thanks Brando

 

You said...

"I am beiginning to realize that the more incomplete one may feel within themselves, will determine the amount of hurt and the time needed to get past the relationship that once was."

 

 

I guess I do feel incomplete & its because for the past 10 years my life has always been about me & my ex... All my future dreams & plans also include him and that is why I can't seem to let go. Everthing has revolved around him for all these yeras & I have to a point forgotton about me.

 

My friends & family always say he doesn't deserve me that I'm too good to him & always just stick by him no matter what & always am there with open arms even though he has hurt me as much as he has.

 

 

I just don't know how he could just "give up" after Ive given so much.

 

 

 

 

LostAngel

[empty421]

He also seemed to blame me for everything too & this is keeping me blaming myself now.

 

 

I just wish I new how he really felt about doing this to me.

 

i blame myself too for the same reason.. and although i know deep down it wasnt just me that led to this situation... and i wasnt the only one who contributed... i blame myself all the time and go over all the "what ifs"

 

I wish he really new how i felt too, but the reality is that he never will...and it hurts like hell

 

the fact is... it takes two people to make a relationship work.. whether it suceeds or fails is not because of the actions of only one of the people

 

stay strong..

[LostAngel]

Thanks Thecheddaboy

 

This hurts so much, I just can't keep going round in circles but it's like I am stuck & can't break free.

 

I know I have had enough of all the fights & the on & off but how can I move on & even think of being with someone else when all I have is him, in my heart, mind, soul... I love him so much...he is my everthing. the person I'm supposed to marry & have children with.

 

This is just too much. It is like you say "he is the cause & the cure".

 

You know a week before he broke it off with me he still said he loved me, how can he change his feelings just like that no matter how much we may have fought.

 

If you read my previous threads the same thing keeps on happening. The last time he ended it with me a few weeks later I went out the 1 night & was quite typsy and ended up having "a rebound kiss" with another guy. I told him & he was completely broken although he had broken up with me once again. He didn't even want to speak to me when this happened and treated me terribly over a "kiss". Eventually I think he realised he may loose me & we go back together.

 

But yet during the past 2 years on different times he broke it off with me he started seeing 2 other girls on 2 different occasions and didn't really care how he treated me during that time.

 

He only realised how much he had hurt me those times when he felt how much it hurt him to know I was with someone else ALTHOUGH MY TIME WAS JUST A KISS.

 

 

It's like he just doesn't really care at first but then it hits him & as soon as he realises he may be losing me he panics.

 

 

I never just "gave up" after a few fights and didn't just change my feelings.

How can he love me as much as he said he did then just walk away each time?

 

I just don't know.

 

 

 

LostAngel

[Lady Bugg]

Hey LostAngel..sorry you're going through this again...

 

I think a big part of this is that so much of you WAS invested in HIM and not in yourself. Nothing changed after each one of your breakups...so he was not motivated to make it work. If you are still fighting over the same issues when you reunite...it's most likely not going to last. You MUST MUST MUST resolve those issues BEFORE attempting to reconcile.

 

Another thing...some relationships are simply NOT meant to be..and I think the sooner people accept that..it would be easier to move on. I KNOW that sounds trite..but it really IS true. Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole

is frustrating..and it sounds like that's what your relationship became.

 

I AM sorry you're in so much pain. I am sure your ex thinks of you...you were with him for so many years..but you have basically trained him to be the way he is. I know that's harsh..but accepting your part in the breakup IS vital.

 

Keep moving forward...you WILL get better.

[Riggz41510]

He sounds just like my ex.. She jumped through hoops to get me back.. I was so impressed by this new Peron I saw in her, I believed in her once again.. Boy was I wrong..

 

Whenever she sensed i was starting to be OK so to speak.. That's when she would come around..or I would get the "I love you" texts or the "I love you e-mails". We want to believe i them so bad that we hold on to the little hope.

[Gator]

LostAngel,

 

I know the pain just sucks, I am working through it right now. It's been about a month, and it gradually gets better. There are still ups and downs, but the downs are not as frequent or as intense.

 

To me one of the keys is to stop idealzing your ex. You have a picture in your mind of him at his best and during good times. When we are rejected, we tend to forget or minimize all the negative qualities of the ex and instead see them in our mind as we want them to be. We project all the qualities that we saw in them at some point in time onto them. In our mind, we create this static picture of this wonderful incredible idealized person. But in reality, nothing is static, life is about chnage. People change, as much as we want to freeze time and keep them in that state that you are in love with, you can't. Time moves forward and change moves with it. The key is to see the ex as they are right now. Quit thinking about them in the past. How are they treating you NOW, what kind of person are they NOW? The person that you want them to be doens't really exist, they are onlky an image in your mind.

 

As the Buddhists say, all suffering is due to attatchment. In this case, we are attached to an unrealisitc image. Let go, see reality for what it is, accept that life is change.

[aboynamedmoose]

In my case I was the dumpee. She met someone the day before she dumped me and to here her say it and a mutual friend, they have since hung out a while before they actually started dating, maybe a month or so. I did hear from the mutual friend that the ex missed me and wanted to call me everyday but was afraid of getting hurt again.

 

I did treat her like crap and took her for granted and of course I started chasing like crazy as soon as we broke up, promised I would change, which I really have, told her I loved her, etc. I made a lot of mistakes since then but I was ruled by my emotions. I do know that another person will take their mind off things but not forever. Last I hear over 2 weeks ago they had split up because the ex wasn't "whole" yet, i'm assuming over me. This was only days after the ex called my best friend and told him to tell me to leave her alone, she confirmed she was dating someone and was "happy". So I really don't know what to believe at this point. But who knows, he is something new and they could be back together by now or she could be dating someone else, all I know is that I have yet to receive a call. She told me she wanted to see what else was out there, and I was such a bad boyfriend I can't help but think anyone would be better than me, even though i've made some serious changes since then but she's not willing to experience or see those changes.

 

I know that I met my ex 2 weeks after a 4 1/2 year relationship, it was great for a while but a few months into it I called a break because I wasn't over my previous ex yet. The most recent ex was a rebound but after I found out the previous ex got engaged the recent ex became more than a rebound. I'm completely over my previous ex but am so messed up right now over the recent one.

 

She just started school again yesterday and I want to call her everyday. It's been almost 3 weeks of no contact other than a mass email I sent out last friday that I included her in. Of course she didn't respond and I really didn't expect her to.

 

I'm debating sending a short and sweet email in about 3 weeks just asking how schools going and what not, nothing about us or the relationship.

 

The ex even told me in a heated argument a few weeks ago over the phone that if she sees me we'll just get back together. Either she's full of crap or just really confused right now. And I can't help but think another guy is going to un-confuse her. Especially all those college guys hitting on her in class.