am i over-reacting? he's addicted to porn!

[whitelilly]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year now. We get along well, but sometimes our fiery tempers means arguments. Its never anything too serious. We are in love + it's really great. He makes me feel special, and looks after me well.

 

The only problem is, he has an extremely high sex drive. Our sex is wonderful, no problems there. He has told me it's the bext sexlife he has had, and it's not like I am not satisfying him... but then he has to watch so much porn!

 

It's not porn that bothers me, really.. I know a lot of guys enjoy watching it. But recently I found he has an online profile at a porn sharing thing, kinda like myspace... with all these girls added to his list. Reading what he wrote about these "everyday" girls made me feel so sad. He even had naked photos of himself up. I confronted him about it, as I stumbled accross it by an accident, and it caused a fight.

 

I told him the reason I felt so bad is that it made me feel like I wasnt enough for him, that if you love someone why should you be going online to perve on other women like that? and have photos of yourself up? and write such things about them?

 

He had issues with me, like I was snooping around. He tried to tell me it was all a joke, even though I didnt believe him. (with what he wrote to them, it was hard to believe its a joke) when I told him I didn't believe him, he told me I had to trust him or we would break up, because he doesn't believe in relationships without trust. He deleted his photos, but can't delete the profile (it deletes when it hasnt been used)

 

Problem is, I went to have a look today and his photos are back up! New ones, more explicit! And he's back to what he was doing before.

 

Is this normal to feel hurt? He didn't exactly "LIE" to me, because he never said he was going to not use it anymore.. but even after he knows how hurt I was, he still went back to it. Like he can't help himself.

 

I know he wouldnt cheat on me, but I still feel hurt. I don't feel like I can confront him about it now, as it will look like I am snooping & will make him angrier. But I can't get it out of my head. It's really hurt me.

 

What should I do?

[lozic21]

If my boyfriend had a profile, and I found out about it...you better believe I would look to see if it is still up. What would he think if you had a site like that up? Where you commented on naked guys.... I think it's pretty disrespectful of him to continue on with it, especially putting up new more explicit pics, when he knows how you feel about it.

[whitelilly]

I said "I know you wouldn't appreciate me putting photos of myself naked up online" and he said "i probably wouldnt like it too much, but it's your body, you can do what you like, i wouldn't tell you you had to remove it"

 

that's when i said, that I wasn't trying to control him by telling him what he can and cannot do, but more that I was really hurt by it.

[lozic21]

I don't really have any advice as to what to do, because I don't know...I think you're handling it better than I would! I would be hurt by his disrespect of your feelings though, ultimately it's up to you if you want to be with someone who does that. Obviously he is not willing to stop.

[whitelilly]

i know. its a hard one hence me coming here.

 

i dont want to lose him over this, i love him so much and it hurts so bad to think of us breaking up. i guess it's up to him, if he cant stop this and i cant break up with him i'll have to deal with it.

 

i might wait a week or so to cool down, and if its still bothering me ill confront him about it. if he brings it back onto me about snooping, i guess if he wasnt doing anything wrong in the first place it shouldnt matter eh?

[lozic21]

Yes...I think the only reason people really get mad about snooping is because they don't want to be caught doing something. If it were me, I would not mind if my bf "snooped" through stuff because I have nothing to hide. Some people feel differently about this, but the only way I found out my ex cheated is by snooping...otherwise I would have never known in the first place and been played for a fool longer!

 

That's the main thing I would worry about in your situation (though I don't want to put things in your head if it's unwarranted) is if he would cheat...or meet any of these girls he talks to online. Of course, like I said, I'm a bit hyper sensitive to that because that is how I was burned. If you do love him and know he won't cheat, then I guess all you can do is try to deal with it since you don't want to break up over this issue...best of luck!!

[annie24]

I wouldn't keep dating anyone once I found out they had naked photos online. looking at porn is one thing, but advertising yourself is another....

[Aurian]

^^^ I agree with Annie. If you're in a relationship, you shouldn't be advertisting yourself, sending naked pictures to people and emailing other girls about their own naked pictures! Looking at porn? Okay, not my bag, but understandable. Its passive. He is not sending himself out and contacting the people on the other end. What he is doing is active.

 

You also already told him that you do not like it. I think you are reasonable. You don't seem too bothered by porn itself, its the advertising and communicating with other women about it that bothers you. And I think that is more than fair if he is in a relationship, he shouldn't be doing this! It seems like he does not respect you or your feelings.

 

I think you need to decide how strongly you feel about this. My feeling is that if he is already comfortable sharing something personal with online contacts, he might end up cheating too when that no longer is exciting enough.

[candy604]

You aren't overreacting. That is verryy disrespectful of him to post up nude pictures of himself on the internet. It's not about trust etc..that's just going overboard with porn. Ask him why is he hiding it from you? Tell him it's makes you uncomfortable that other girls are looking at explicit pictures of him b/c this relationship is suppose to be exclusive. Would he like it if you posted nude pics of yourself and have guys look at it? Ask him how he'd feel.

 

You need to let him know this is going to far. Next thing you know it he wants to be a pornstar or something. I thikn it's so gross how guys get horny or get off on looking at porn. It's disrespectful.

 

I'm already disguisted if i catch my bf watching porn ( he rarely does though). It could be an addicition he has.

[candy604]

It's an issue and it needs to be sorted out. He needs to realize this is going past a line of " what you can or can not tell me what to do," it's not whether you telling him what he can or cannot do, it's about disrespecting you etc..I'm sure if his parents found out what he was doing, they'd be very mad at his behaviour. Use an example and be like, so you wouldn't tell me to stop taking drugs?

 

There's definitely something wrong hunny. Re-evalute your relationship. That would be a legite reason to break up with someone. If you told your friends, they'd be very concerned that your dating someone that is so free posting nude pics of themselves and asking for nude pics of girls.

 

It can get more serious later on and if he can't stop it, you need to move on. I've seen real shows where married men go out of their way to just "get some" from children, women, etc..It's more serious than you think. Small things like this can lead to greater things.

[xxvietsh0rtiexx]

I said "I know you wouldn't appreciate me putting photos of myself naked up online" and he said "i probably wouldnt like it too much, but it's your body, you can do what you like, i wouldn't tell you you had to remove it"

 

that's when i said, that I wasn't trying to control him by telling him what he can and cannot do, but more that I was really hurt by it.

 

if you said what you said whats up there ^^ to him, and he responded back to you like how he did up there ^^ then you should try making a account, and post your picture up, and see how he feels about it. then he might stop. but i dont know...and if he doesn't do or say anything to you, then you should really talk to him. sorry, i cant help that much...

[candy604]

you can ask yourself a question, will you be able to live this? his behaviour can develop into something more later. i'd be careful.

[WhyteSkaii]

I wouldn't keep dating anyone once I found out they had naked photos online. looking at porn is one thing, but advertising yourself is another....

 

I have to agree with this. Looking at porn is one thing but actually sending photos of yourself to others and commenting others is a pretty dirty thing to do seeing as he's already in a relationship. You do not however have to put pictures of yourself up to smite him. As they say 2 wrongs do not make a right. If you talked to him about how much it upsets you and he shrugs it off like it's nothing you should reconsider is this a person you really want in your life. He doesn't seem to care all that much about you and your feelings about his actions. A relationship is about mutual respect and compromise it shouldn't be one ended. However, it is your relationship and i wish you the best of luck on how you decide to handle it.

[WhyteSkaii]

Does looking at internet porn once in awhile considered an addiction? My gf clicked on the history tab on my computer and saw that i have logged in to some sites a few times and got really upset and hurt. It never interferes with us or affects our time together, in fact, it helps spice up our lovemaking. But I think having a profile, especially with nude photos, is really overdoing it and outright wrong IMO.

 

Watching porno isn't something wrong, it's actually a pretty natural and accepted thing depending on the person that perceives it of course. Also, i wouldn't consider you to be addicted to porn if its just from time to time. An addiction is an addiction when it interferes with your daily life and you can't focus on anything because all you think about is what you are addicted to. This goes for any type of addiction out there. so unless it bothers you're everyday life and activities i wouldn't give to much thought into it. However, you might want to talk to your girlfriend about it and help her understand that it is a natural thing and there isn't really anything wrong with it. She might not be afraid that you're addicted to porn more rather she might feel threatened that you have to look at it. Like perhaps she isn't good enough for you. So just talk to her about it and good luck to you