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It's been 5 1/2 months and I'm still hurting!


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Hi Everyone,

 

I have posted here before, but it's been while since my last post. I'm taking one day at a time, and felt the need to post to get some emotions out.

 

My husband left me for another woman 5 1/2 months ago when our son was a week old. We also have a 2 year old daughter.

 

It seems like just when I feel like I'm on the road to recovery, it all hits me again like a tonne of bricks. My ex and his girlfriend just got back from a week and a half long trip (something we had never done before), and this morning was the first time I talked to him and saw him in that time. He did try calling here twice throughout the week but the kids and I weren't home...and I didn't bother calling him back. The day he left was hard for me, but today is hard as well. It is so hard to heal when there are kids involved...or maybe it will just take a lot longer for me. I have stopped all contact with him except for when it comes to the kids....which he still comes over to see the kids 3 times a week and he takes them Sat and Sun mornings over to his mom and dad's.

 

I try to put on such a front that it doesn't bother me one bit that he's formed this new life with "her"...even though it KILLS me inside on how fast it all happened. (see my previous thread). I act happy and content when he's around...like I love living the way I am. I don't tell him about all of the hellish days I have with the kids especially when my daughter is acting out because she misses her daddy. I don't say or do anything to make him feel guilty about what he has done. In fact at one point I told him I didn't want him back, and then I remember a conversation we had a few months ago that he brought up our relationship / his relationship with the gf...and I said to him well, if it was meant to be between us it was meant to be, but I don't need a man in my life to make me happy. I am happy being me right now and I have learned so much about myself and am feeling good about me. I don't remember his response, but I think he got the hint.

 

I just wish I could get to the point of not having feelings for him anymore. It just seems like every time I see him there is an incredible amount of emotions that makes me want to hug him and kiss him, something that I have been used to for the last 11 years.

 

I know that I have been treated like absolute crap, and I know that I deserve better, but for some reason I just can't get completely over him!

 

How do you think he's feeling? He has told me that he has guilt and shame, but he's a very stubborn man. Even though he has these feelings, they are being shoved to the back of his head as he is in this fabulous new relationship with this woman (it's only been 5 1/2 months!)....like common...wake up man! Is it wrong of me to want to work things out with him possibly one day? Will he be forced to deal with these feelings eventually? I can't tell if he's over me, it seems as though he is, but he's a master at perception. He did tell me that he cried every day for the first 3 months after he left. That tell me that he isn't over me and that "she" is just being used as a cover up. He says he loves her. Is it possible to love two people? I know he still cares for me and loves me, but may not be in love with me since there is another woman in the picture.

 

I wish I could open his eyes up and force him to deal with all of these emotions he is pushing away, but I know that it will just take time. Time that I can not rush..... it just seems like every day that he's gone is another day he gets closer to her...which I HATE ! I want to be that girl. Why is this so hard? Maybe it's because he was my first an only love! (and I was his too) I don't think I'm in denial. I know exactly what he's done and is doing, but after knowing him so well I truly beieve he's not being true to himself.

 

Thanks for reading. Advice/input would be appreciated.

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Hey sweetie...as I've said before on your previous thread, it's natural that you should feel rage, incredible sadness, a feeling of profound betrayal - and still want him back. You LOVED this man, you were with him for ELEVEN YEARS. No matter what he's done, it's not easy to turn that off, because you have character and you took your vows seriously.

 

Now, that being said, I don't think you should hold on to that forever. He clearly did not value his commitment to you and your family the way you did/do. You simply cannot make something work when the other party isn't committed to making it work, too. I don't want to see you waste your life holding on to false hopes and beliefs about this man.

 

It's going to take you a lot longer than five and a half months to heal. You were incredibly betrayed, and what you are experiencing is the aftermath of a seriously traumatic event. So, you have work to do here to get on the path to healing.

 

Are you in counseling? Are you going to church, or doing anything in the realm of spiritual growth and healing?

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Many people leave their spouses for someone else because they fancy themselves in love with the other person, when all it really is is an escape from reality. I don't know much about the other woman or how they met, but what seems to happen a lot is that once life becomes the same old same old with the new person, they suddenly start seeing things very differently and many suddenly realize what they left behind. It is at that point when they come running back. Some spouses take them back, others do not. If that time should come for you, you might still want him back or you may be over him and not want him back. Only time will tell. If you are meant to be together, you will find each other again. In the meantime, just keep living your life and forget about his.

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My son is 7 and my ex husband left me for another woman when he was 10 months old. He has stayed with her, married her and they have a 2 year old son.

 

Your healing will take time and sometimes the pain will be unbearable but I can guarantee that you will reach a point where you are completely over him. Now when I see my ex I get on with him (and his new wife!) but I can clearly see he was not right for me and better things lay ahead.

 

Keep going and take care of yourself. I found it a great comfort to lean on family - not only did they support me but they helped with Alex as well.

 

Take Care x

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Yes, I am in councelling. I've been to about 5 or 6 sessions so far. I have been doing a great deal of reading about relationships....buying books, internet, forums, etc. I just don't understand HOW he can turn off all of his feelings for me ?!?! Maybe I should stop thinking and wondering about everything...and that's when it will all make sense to me. Maybe there is something else I am supposed to learn from this....or maybe he is supposed to learn SOMETHING...lol from this. I have also been swapping self help books with a friend. She has given me the power of intention and wow, what a book! I am getting so much out of these relationship/self help books...am learning so much! Even if it wasn't meant to be between my ex and I, I am much better off!!!!

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BBT

 

Just between you and me, I think the popular obsession with the marriage autopsy can go too far. Acceptance of the fact it's over and movng on will heal more that analyzing old data and reading enough to earn a BA in psychobabble.

 

From what I've seen, love blossoms, lives and dies. To analyze the remains is fine if it doesn't blind you to budding possibilities elsewhere.

Corny? Sure, but it's simple enough to work.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My wife haven't had sex since August 20,2005. I was wondering what was going on. I found out that she was getting phone calls from a man. Hi beautiful this is ... and I just wanted to see if you got home ok. I should have done something then. I found out his phone number and called the punk. He is really not the one that I should have been after,it should have been my cheating wife. He said that he was gay. Now she is saying that he is married. I don't believe anything that she nor he says. She didn't want to divorce because her mother and father have separated since 1979 and she wanted both of us to do the same. She wanted for me to have a girlfriend and for her to have a boyfriend and live happy ever after.The devil is a lie and I wasn't going to go for that. She told me to go out and get a girlfriend and get some p.... I'm a Christian and she is not. That what the big problem is all about. The sad part is that we have two sons together and they are caught in the middle. I will try to be nice to her even though I'm hurt inside. I know what she wants to do is to bring that guy into the house and help her pay the rent. She can do that after we get divorce all she wants if she buys me out of my part of the house. I also lost my job of 11 years last week. Yes,it has been a tough year however by the grace of God I'm still here and haven't done anything crazy ( beat her/him down,get on drugs/alchol and had sex with others to ease my pain. She will see that she made a mistake. I'm a good guy and have been faithfully to her. I pray for her daily and ask God to protect her and keep her from all hurt , harm , and danger.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well, today would have been our anniversary. I am having a hard day today. While we aren't divorced, just separated, I want to have a talk with him to see if there has been any change with his feelings. He won't start "a talk" with me, I am the one who will have to initiate anything, and I just want to know if there has been any change with him. How should I bring it up? or should I be blunt saying...is there any change in the way you feel about our relationship? Is there a chance we might be able to work on things? Or should I just not say anything at all? I want to know because I have noticed a change in the way he is treating me. He is actually nice to me now, and when we do family stuff together with the kids we have a good time, although I still sense a little bit of awkwardness on his part. We had our son baptized on Sunday and the whole family was there. When is dad saw me, the first thing he did was give me a little shoulder rub and said how you doing kiddo? And my ex was sitting right beside me. His mom sat right beside me and we had a great conversation. My ex invited me and the kids out for brunch after too, which he did by a little poke on the shoulder and leaned over to quietly ask me while the church service was still on. We all went for brunch and we had a great time. My ex made a point of gathering up my things at the church for me and he even went out to the truck when I forgot my son's bottle. He always offers his vehicle when we do family stuff together. These are some of the small things that I have noticed that make me wonder if maybe he's had a change of heart. What should I do? Have a talk or not???

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