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am I wasting my time? (Female opinion)


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I'm in a LDR with my GF. We love each other, but I think the distance is taking it's toll on the both of us. I moved away b/c of work for 7 months, and we're 12 hrs away from each other. She brought up that she misses the physical affection and finds it very difficult for her. We decided to have an open relationship, and not discuss it with each other. I know you need communication in a LDR, but this is something that we both decided to not make the other jealous. I tried it, and met some people, but I really just want her. I told her that I couldn't do it, and she didn't have a response to that. Since then, I feel that we are moving apart. Am I wasting my time, or is she not the one for me?

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Agreeing to the open relationship was like saying "I don't love you enough to only be with you." Something to that effect. It was a killer move to the relationship anyways.

 

If this is the girl for you, I'd go for a grand gesture. I mean - moving. Going to her. Professing love. Making bold moves to make this work.

 

If you can't do that, then it would be good to say good-bye. I think. I mean, the bold gestures do not guarantee anything ...but if you love her so much that you would regret not doing something now and losing her forever, then that is the best hope.

 

good luck.

 

Hehe. Noticed the 'some kind of wonderful' quote. If you have that up there, you'll be familiar with the grand gestures from those glorious 80's movies.

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Hi

 

Are you confirmed that all you want is her and only her not someone else?

When you confirmed that she is the one you want, you wouldn't think it is a waste of time to wait for her.

 

Does she still in love with you? Is there any possible way to close the gap?

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thanks for all of your responses. So quick you all are, and yes, I love 80's flicks. They don't make movies like they used to. Referring to the last post, I really do just want her. She suggested that we have an open relationship, and that the distance was difficult for her. I moved to a new city, and was exclusive with her until she made that suggestion. I think the issue is "did the distance or her lack of receiving physical affection cause a rift in the relationship, or really, is she not mature enough to handle suh a relationship?

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Hi

 

There are many possibilities.

Lack of physical affection and emotional maturity did affect the relationship for a certain extend.

Would she suggest an open relationship if both of you are not distance away?

Some people could handle the lack of intimacy, while some people just couldn't handle it. How long have you been in relationship with her? Is she constantly in a relationship or have not been single for a long time before dating you?

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Yeah, some people can't do LDR for the reason that there isn't that physical closeness. It's the HUGE draw back to these kinds of relationships.

 

Did/do you do anything to show her you love/care about her? Send her a card, little presents, etc?

 

Personally, the lack of intimacy and the distance has drained on me since i'm in a LDR. I didn't even think of doing a open relationship because that's the kind of relationship i DON'T want. Seriously, it would only confuse me more and cause me to be more distant. If I feel like I wasn't getting enough out of my relationship and wasn't getting intimacy out of it, I would tell my partner this is what i need and if he couldn't give it to me, well then I'd rather end it then resort to an open relationship.

 

And that's what I did. Well, I didn't leave. But I told my boyfriend and neither of us want to end the relationship, but agreed that we were both going to make a promise to fix our relationship and put some intimacy back.

 

I'd figure out for yourself what you want out of this relationship and then talk to her about if she wants and feels strongly enough for you to continue your relationship. Seriously, if someone wants something bad, you'll do whatever it takes to make it happen ... it only works with both parties. If she needs physical closeness for the relationship to continue, well, then you're faced with either trying to visit more regularly or someone moves.

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I think that in a de jure way, it could work.

I think that in a de facto way, it won't.

 

I hate to be a negative one, too. But the realistic POV here is that she suggested the open relationship, she is moving emotionally away from you, and she won't give you an answer when you suggested cutting the "openness"...

 

So what does this tell you? That she has moved on.

 

She is already fulfilling her emotional needs elsewhere, and more than likely her physical needs too. You are already in serious doubt as to the possibility of this ending well, and I believe that listening to your relationship intuition is the smartest thing that you can do in any case.

 

I am sorry, I wish I could sing "Don't Stop Believin' " to you and tell you to go for it, but I just don't see it happening... Move on and be happy yourself.

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She suggested open relationship. That is stupid and immature. You're dating someone or not. You can't be somewhere in between. I really don't know how she even had guts to ask that.

No matter LDR or not if someone asks you that you dump him.

 

And about LDR I don't believe in them.

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you know, it's on'e of those things in which I am in the grey. We talk to each other everynight and profess that we miss and love each other. I've been in a long distance relationship before, but we were only 3 hours away. Yeah, the outcome is that I am no longer with my ex at the time, but we were able to see each other as much as we possible could. Being 12 hours away is a different story. I can't give her the physical aspect of a relationship with this distance, but the emotional side of it is maintained over the phone. I've sent her letters, not emails (b/c I know girls love to receive something in the mail) and sent flowers too. That is all I could do at this point. We've made arrangements to see each other in the end of this month, but a part of me can't stand to let my mind worry. When I see her, I know or at least think she's been someone else. I will be moving back in April as soon as my tenure here is done, but I've been worrying that her being one of the reasons why I would move back would make me have second thoughts. AHHHHHH, the humanity!

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I tried a LDR years ago, a went through a similar response from my partner...it turned out he had found comfort with another. Life is always different when there are differences.

 

I hope things work out for you...but I doubt it will...can you not ask her to join you? From a female perspective a man who travels because of his work, no matter how logical the move, comes over to the stranded female as "His work is more valuable then me"

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I think there is no way to predict that. The feelings might still be there when you return, but I think you'd both want to know if there have been others meanwhile. From what I can read from your posts, I'd say that you're more into the relationship than her. It was her who initiated the open relationship-- not you. I think it's better to keep things as clear as possible. An open relationship is making things more blurred than you want. I think it's better to either have a full commitment from both sides or a clear break up.

 

Ilse

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