think i have depression

[california_love2006]

i'm an 18 year old female to start off my post, and i'm wondering if i could possibly have depression or something of the sort. All my life i've always felt guilty for something, i honestly wasn't a bad kid or a bad person so i really and truly didnt' need to feel guilty. However, i've noticed an increase in the past few years and now i'm just getting sick and tired of it.

 

My dad has just bought me a new car, this is my first one, and i feel like crap about it most of the time. I feel, what did i do to deserve a car? Right now i'm still in high school and i have no job as of now so i'm still relying on my parents for money. If i get something, any expensive food or clothing item, i feel guilty again. I'm always trying to get things on sale and i try to eat cheap foods sometimes, even when i'm out with my boyfriend i'll try to order something that's not expensive. and i'm not a tightwad or whatever they call people who are penny pinchers, i just feel so guilty when i cause other people to spend money on me or anything. And if someone is in pain, sick, sometimes i wish i can have the pain/illness because i feel so bad for them.

 

i'm trying to break this up so you all dont have a whole boring paragraph to read, but its more than that. Next year i'll be off to college and i feel guilty that my parents will be paying, and i feel 'what did i do to deserve a college education?' and sometimes i even wonder, what did i do to deserve to live. It hurts to think such things but i really feel bad sometimes. Other times i can be happy, but if i get too happy, i end up getting sad and feeling guilty again. Christmas day can get me depressed, i've cried many christmases because i feel so guilty that i get any presents from people or i feel sad that there's people out there with no family to be with or anything.

 

i'm sorry this post is so long, but i really could use help. even if you can't help just put your two cents in, it'll be great. I'm just trying to figure out why i feel so guilty all the time basically, to the point where i wonder why i'm alive. Its quite painful to think this, and any help is appreciated.

[rose2summer]

I don't know necessarily if you are depressed, but moreso, are insecure. You feel unworthy of all of these generous things your family or boyfriend gives you. Your problem seems to be very self-esteem based. It is very possibly depression so I would seek counseling no matter what the scenario is, because you do deserve all of these wonderful things, and you need to remind yourself of that.

[brando]

Wow ,

California,

 

sounds like you have some things troubling you. I agree with Rose2summer about maybe going to talk to a professional and seeing where these guilty feelings stem from.

 

Your parents appear to feel you are deserving of these things. And it is okay to accept these gifts without feeling guilty or undeserving.

 

Ther emaybe soemething that you believe about you to feel this guilt.

 

A professional will be able to help you uncover those thoughts and feelings.

 

be well,

brando

[rose2summer]

We all need counseling at some point or another. It can really be helpful and provide an avenue to understanding why you feel the way that you do about accepting gifts from your loved ones. In your childhood, did your parents ever make you feel guilty when they bought you toys or other items?

[renaissancewoman101]

California, I agree with the others, I think you are suffering from some self-esteem issues and maybe talking to a counselor might help.

 

I do understand how you feel. A lot of times I feel weird and undeserving if someone does stuff for me, like pay for me, buy me stuff, treat me well, or even spend time with me. I feel like I dont deserve it and I sometimes I even feel uncomfortable with it.

 

I have a bad habit of seeking out people who treat me badly and use me. Part of that comes from my self-esteem issues. I grew up with parents (esp mother) who didnt like me and criticized me relentlessly because I was so tiny. They would do things for me and give me stuff but always with a big guilt trip.

 

I am only starting now to deal with those issues by seeking therapy because I want to have a healthier way of living and dealing with life than I've been doing.

[california_love2006]

thanks for the responses I'm thinking my parents do play a role in this. My parents dont have the best marriage, they have split up many times and got back together, and the only reason they married is cause i was born. Even though i know its not my fault, sometimes i wish it never happened cause my mom has always complained to me about all the stuff my dad puts her through, being mean and all and she doesnt' know that it hurts me when she talks about that. I feel guilty for being born. About gifts, not really, but my mom always has said to me in the past and even now, that when i buy something she will either sigh (me knowing that she obviously dont want me to get it) or flat out tell me she's not made of money or something.

 

and i swear i dont buy stuff in excess or anything, i can even buy a box of tampons and she'll get upset. My sister, however, is spoiled rotten and my mom will buy her just about anything. and i'm 18 years old, this isn't about sibling rivalry or anything, i dont hate my sister, but i've come to notice and my mother has even admitted that they spoil her and not me. i'm probably not making any sense but anyways, the way my mom acts towards me sometimes when i need stuff makes me feel like just going out and living on the streets.

[california_love2006]

renaissancewoman, you sound just like me. i wish i can talk to a counselour soon but i can't tell my mom, because even if i'm sick she makes me feel guilty, paying for medications and/or therapy will get her really mad. i need to get some insurance for myself soon, and have my boyfriend help me out. have you learned anything in counseling yet?

[renaissancewoman101]

Parents can be hard to deal with. I know that. When I was in high school my parents were having major marital problems (my dad cheated on my mother) and my mom dragged me in the middle of it and demanded that I choose her side and be against my dad. It turned out real ugly and when I refused to choose sides, my mother turned on me and told me that my dad hated me, said bad things about me to her, etc., etc. and "how could I do this to her". She made my life hell and as a result, I moved away to Wisconsin to go to college and lived out there for 15 years. I just moved back to CA in Jan but I live about 2 hours from my folks. Still cant stand to live too close to them.

 

I just started counseling a few weeks ago, so I havent really had any progress yet. I am hoping to resolve some issues in my life pertaining to my self-esteem, my intense need to be liked by people, etc.

 

I can understand how bad it is when mom puts pressure on you and makes you feel guilty for needing stuff like meds. My mom wasnt like that with me, but she always very upset about my height. I am only 4'5" tall and my mother hates my height. She tells me I make her look bad and that her friends feel sorry for her because they dont think I will ever get married or get a guy. When people look at me and make fun of me, my mom will turn on me and get upset with me and blame me for making her look bad. I grew up with her doing that to me all the time. That was hard. So, I do kind of understand how you feel.

[california_love2006]

well that is a horrible thing to hate on a person for, something very uncontrollable such as height. seeing your statement "intense need to be liked by people" also sort of pertains to me. i feel that people have better things to do than talk to me, if thats what you've felt also anyways.

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, I have felt that way before where I am surprised that people want to be friends with me, that they like me, or they think I am a nice person, etc. I dont think very well of myself. A lot of times I think I am a failure. My mother used to say that I was a disgrace to her and that I let her down. She would criticize stuff I did, and if I did anything right, she would praise me BUT she would always say "well at least you could do one thing right, but you always do something else to disappoint me. I dont think my mom has ever really praised anything I did. Most times, I was just an embarrassment to her because of my height issues and because I wasnt Asian enough.

 

My self-esteem problems has led me to a lot of problems in my life where I am self-destructive and run away from people who treat me well and glom on to people who treat me badly.

[california_love2006]

yes, i know all too well how that feels. My boyfriend is asian and i'm not racist at all, but he does tell me that many asians can be so vain and heartless, or can't show love and would rather beat a person down. That can probably contribute to what your mom has done to you because his mother has done things like that to him as well, but for some reason he came out of it and never had a problem like you and i do.

[renaissancewoman101]

Are you Asian too? My parents are very old school, esp my mother and I found it very hard to grow up in a mostly tradition Asian family (my dad's not that traditional) amidst western culture. I grew up in LA. My dad was pretty liberal about things. My mom was very strict about everything and like for me to have Asian friends and not to many American friends. Even now, my mother prefers to speak Chinese, hang around her Asian friends, and hang around in Asian areas. Although she has lived in the US for over 30 years, she speaks English very poorly.

[california_love2006]

nah, i'm white. when you said you grew up in LA did you mean the state? if so thats where i'm at right now. I figured your screen name had something to do with LA. Your mom sounds a lot like my boyfriend's, and people say, that its an insecurity problem with the mother. She could be jealous of you actually, even though she says mean things to you. and i think that may be the root of our problems, is the jealousy from our mothers, leading to being treated badly sometimes.

[renaissancewoman101]

No, I grew up in Los Angeles. I moved to Wisconsin to go to college and then I moved back to CA just this Jan. My parents still live in LA.

 

You may be right that my mother is jealous of me. I am not sure about that. She is just so critical about my height and all that. It's just hard to deal with.

[california_love2006]

oh ok. yeah, who knows. the only person who knows is them. all we can do is try to find answers she needs to not be so critical about your height, as we all know asians are not big tall giant people lol