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Is it ever Okay?


hardcharger
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ladies, wow, a lot of emotion and turmoil. My best friend(we're late 40's) is married and has a # of girlfriends, his wife rarely gives him sex. I watched him for years, absolutely no sex life worth talking about, but he is absolutely devoted to his kids. About 5 yrs ago he broke down and started cultivating girlfriend(s). Now they are on a "rotation". His wife, who really knows nothing about a healthy married sex life, would have to know what is going on if she really knew anything about a mans' sex drive, but she says "it's all in your head"(the round one). So somehow she is ignoring clues cause she's so dumb about sex or else subconsciously knows she is not fulfilling her mans needs and let's it go on.(he's super sneaky, though).

 

So me, I'm LT married, healthy sex life, other problem and turmoil though(bearable and intermittent). But if I had no sex life I don't think that I could bear married life and eventually I would have to cultivate my own little sidesex partner. The only difference with me, is i'm not a liar, and he lies lies lies to the girls about his marriage etc. But I'm sure I could get my own girlie, just being honest and wanting sex.

 

What do you think about a man who has 3 choices: #1 - A life of no sex except masturbation #2 - married, stable family, place for kids to come home to but with girlfriends to make it bearable and satisfy true needs(not wants, for healthy fit, prosperous men like us sex is not a want but a need) or #3 - break marriage and ~family apart cause no sex, and try to start over.

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In my opinion, what he should have done way before this was talk to his wife, explained over and over what sex meant to him, that he was feeling rejected, lonely, unloved, uncared for.

 

When a partner turns us down of course we feel these things but affairs are not the answer, communication and good listening skills are. They work better for the marriage than any amount of affairs.

 

If I were him and things got that bad, I would tell her 'today' how he feels and maybe 'tomorrow' what he has been doing behind her back if she does not listen and understand his needs and frustration but only as a starting point to rebuild the marriage.

 

Guilty secrets destroy the marriage and maybe a clean slate would be better than a clean break-up at this point.

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I was in this situation during my marriage but I didn't cheat.

 

I was lucky to get sex 2 times a year from him and I put up with that for at least 5 years. Yes, I talked to him about it. I tried everything and nothing changed.

 

People told me I had every reason to cheat and that I was entitled to cheat but I didn't.

 

When you partner rejects you sexually it is such a huge blow to your self esteem and to your man or woman hood. This person who promised to love and cherish you has rejected you in such an intimate and personal way. It wasn't just the sex either. He wouldn't touch me. No hugs, kisses, or any type of affection.

 

I finally left him and it wasn't just because of that but it was one part of it.

 

After I had left and moved out, I met a man and I was just so starved for affection and sex and he delivered. I had probably had sex about 10 times in the past 5 years and then suddenly with the new man it was 2-3 times a day! I felt like a sexy woman again.

 

I know one thing, I would never put up with that ever again as long as I did.

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Hi hardcharger,

 

Infidelity can have many causes like lack of Trust, Connection, Sex, Sexual satisfaction (women), Respect, Love.

 

Been in a situation like him but for mutual lack of trust and respect, but we still had great sex.

 

About their sexlife, I suppose she never learned to enjoy sex and he could be the kind of man who does not care about her feelings and makes no effort. She also could be uptight by her upbringing and just locks enjoyment out.

 

They could seek counseling and then get it worked out by better communication and him really working on making her feel good. She may be happier given a bit of satisfaction.

 

Otherwise, masturbation is not a long term thing IMHO, I'd get too itchy after a few months, thus him having a sidekick seems more sensible than breaking up the family. But I am not sure that this would work in the long run.

 

Counseling and communication seems the best way IMHO. I happy wife makes a much better lover than a hidden sidekick.

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hardcharger - this sounds really familiar to me. My husband has the same complaints. Our kids are little, we both work, he outside of the home, me from within and do the kid thing. There's very little time left to fulfil his physical "needs."

 

Yet somehow, he manages to limit his frustration to whining, begging and being po-ed. I've even told him, "if the act means that much to you and not to me, get it somewhere else."

 

He still hasn't.

(right...that I know of)

 

Cheating, lying and being unethical is NOT a part of needing sex. Everybody "needs" it. Yes, even women. Yet for some reason we've forced ourselves to comply to monogamy - your friends wife is probably expecting him to abide.

 

If he doesn't have the cahonays to tell his wife that he needs to have sex in his marriage or he will find it else where and leave her, then he is a sad and miserable excuse for a husband, father and man.

 

I hope someone around him can find the courage to tell him he needs to man-up and take responsibility for his actions.

 

Or just sit back and watch his world fall down around him.....

 

.....and unfairly his wife and children's world too.

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I think that's the wrong attitude. Ignoring your sex life and blaming being too tired when you just really can't be bothered could cost you your marriage. Sex should be a big part of showing your love, without it, intimacy dies and eventually love goes with it.

 

If you do not have time, then make some. There is NO excuse for being too lazy to show a man how much you want his intimacy and loving. Get a babysitter, lock yourselves in the garage when doing laundry,sneak five minutes in before the kids come home, whatever it takes! But at least once a week, you SHOULD make love.

 

If a man had said that to me, it would 'tell' me that he did not even CARE that I feel rejected and unloved. I wouldn't look for sex somewhere else either, I would just feel rejected and unloved and my love for them would start to wither and die along with my marriage. Be very careful.

 

P.S. I have found the courage to tell you that YOU need to woman-up and take responsibility for YOUR actions.

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wow. well....ok. I guess you're right, in a way. I guess that DID sound a bit harsh.....BUT

 

I was using my situation to illustrate a point. The REASON there's a lack of sex in MY marriage is real, whether you like the reason or not.

 

We ARE working on it because I AM woman enuff to know the issues are mine.

 

But aside from all MY stuff, I have no problems with extra marital sex, if the other person is clued in and ok with it.

 

If SEX is the issue, than by all means, get it where you can.

 

There is no lack of intamacy of love in MY marriage. Just a lack of the physical act - and we do it, if you must know, just not as much as HE would like.

 

MY point was not to let sex govern your actions at the expense of family. I do understand how important it is. But is it THAT important? That one would do all that spy stuff just to get it? Can't he....ehmm, MAN-UP and just say what he wants??

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I've come to the conclusion that commitment is a lost virtue.

 

Okay, here's the way I see it.

 

There are millions of people who are single right now, and may very well be single the day they die. They are not currently having sex because they want to share it with someone special, but they haven't found that someone special they're looking for. Not all of them are virgins, but that doesn't mean they aren't saving up for the next time they find someone special. How do you think they get by? Masturbation.

 

I can understand your friend's dilemma in his devotion to his kids keeping him from getting a divorce, but that doesn't mean he has to get sex outside of the marriage. As good as sex may feel at the time, he's putting too many people's hearts in jeopardy; just think about it:

 

* His wife would be devestated.

* His kids would be devestated from having to watch their parents divorce.

* His girlfriends would be devestated to learn of his lies.

 

All of these people would go through a HORRIBLE time just because he's so selfish that he can't even have the self control to commit to his own family's well-being.

 

Of course, I may just be biased; I've been on ALL SIDES of the infidelity situation with the exception of being the one to commit the crime. There's nothing I despise more in this world than infidelity, and it makes me sick to think there are actually people out there who do it without any kind of remorse or regret. Those who believe there's even a slight chance of a good reason to do it really bother me.

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But is it THAT important?

 

In one word...YES. Intimacy of a sexual kind means that you are making love, I don't mean cuddles and kisses, I mean deep fulfilling love and that is why it is so important.

 

Also, telling a man he can go elsewhere makes little cracks in a marriage, you should be fighting for every inch of your man and his love, not giving him away to someone else. Even if you think that you are clued up and ok with it, if he ever did the deed, you WOULD be devastated, of that you can be sure.

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I think that's the wrong attitude. Ignoring your sex life and blaming being too tired when you just really can't be bothered could cost you your marriage. Sex should be a big part of showing your love, without it, intimacy dies and eventually love goes with it.

 

If you do not have time, then make some. There is NO excuse for being too lazy to show a man how much you want his intimacy and loving. Get a babysitter, lock yourselves in the garage when doing laundry,sneak five minutes in before the kids come home, whatever it takes

I agree with this. So many marriages have died because one partner feels that they have become unattractive and nothing more than a provider of money or care, a parent and a roommate.
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I agree that sex is important in a marriage and at the same time I agree with TRS, there are so many ways to express your love, not just with sex.

 

What happens when one person in a marriage has an accident or a health problem and sex is no longer and option for them? Is the marriage over? I think a marriage should never be 'based' on sex, situations arise sometimes for many different reasons where sex is obsolete!

 

I think that some get married for the sex. They think that if they were married than that part of their life will be fulfilled, get it anytime they want it and then they no longer have to go for long periods of time without it. Some are so sick of being single and living a sexless existence, day after day having to try and find a willing participant that they finally find someone who sorta meets their needs and jump into a marriage! I really don't think sex is a 'need', too many people in this world have chose not to indulge in any sexual acts and they're not dead! It's a want and a desire brought on by hormones, not a necessity as is air, food and water! YOU can live without it.

 

I would ask your friend, if sometime in the future his manhood failed him and lost function, would he like the idea that his wife had her 'wants and desires' fulfilled by another man! I hope he thinks this is a super idea because it does happen, and all the while he would need to remind himself that she has 'wants' too and he can't take care of them.....People need to start thinking outside of the box! What is true, unconditional love?

 

While we all fail our partners in some way, is one failure worse than the other!

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Hi Ta_ree_saw,

 

I agree with Bethany and DN and have a few more points.

 

I read some of your posts for a few months and feel that you feel unfulfilled. Part of that is lack of sexual satisfaction. Humans were evolved to desire sexual satisfaction. Biologically, your body wants more sexual satisfaction in the 30s and 40s than in the 20s. Lack of sexual satisfaction depresses, you may not even realize it.

 

You may not enjoy sex (yet), or your hubby may not satisfy you, it's common, but can be learned. One important point here, your hubby may finish too fast > to satisfy you > because he finishes too little > is too excited > and has too little experience and training.

 

Please trust me on this, your life and relationship may improve a lot. Please give it a few months and work on it together with your hubby.

 

It's teamwork, you can make time just by cutting back on TV.

 

Go to bed earlier, together. Talk together about your needs and his needs. Develop understanding and intimacy. Aim to make love at least 3 times a week and make sure you orgasm eventually. Remember, it may take him time to learn, but I am sure he will learn. You (and him) can also read Sexuality section in Wicked, there are lots of interesting threads on this forum.

 

Please be patient, persistent and learn to enjoy your life and your relationship.

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well - thanks everyone, esp nottoogreen - for the good points and tips...

 

...but this wasn't my thread.

 

My point to the OP was just that I think cheating is a bad way to slove the lack of sex in a marriage problem that so many of us suffer.

 

All I meant to say - in a way to relate, not to get into the specifics of my story - is that despite the fact that my husband doesn't get as much as he'd like, he hasn't resorted to cheating.

 

Bethany, you may be right about if he did I would be devestated. Maybe. Perhaps that's why I told him not to tell me if he ever did. But on the flip side of that tolkein, I can't find care anywhere.

 

TO ME and say what you will, sex is sex is sex is sex. It's a physical act. I've had my share of plenty and most often it means nothing. This is not to say it can't or that it doesn't sometimes, but if the OP's friend is missing intimacy - well, that's a whole other can of worms, isn't it?

 

But he said his friend "needs" sex. SEX. Well now, that can be obtained anywhere can't it?

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There's very little time left to fulfill his physical "needs." ......Yet somehow, he manages to limit his frustration to whining, begging and being po-ed. I've even told him, "if the act means that much to you and not to me, get it somewhere else."

 

that's just too terrible! that poor man, And the sad part is there is too many off them out there.

Re: little time - you mean 5-15min.'s let's say 2x/wk is too much time to take care of one of your husbands most important needs? And the ONLY need he can get ONLY from you. He can have tons of friends, cooking, clean up the house himself, even raise the kids. But no one but you can fulfill that nagging, aching sexual need, and you don't seem to care whatsoever. So let's say one 6 min. session and one 15 min. session - that's about 21 min.'s/week. Out of all the hours in the day, that's too much to ask?? Thank God, thank my lucky stars, my wife is willing to accommodate me and take care of me, even though my sex drive is much higher than hers.

RE: "Yet somehow, he manages to limit his frustration to whining, begging and being po-ed..."

It almost seems you say that with a grin! Now if he isn't a good man, if he never vacuums your car or takes care of yard work or garbage or other yucky, manly jobs or if he is always mean to you, well I can see how a woman would not want to lay with her man.

 

Sex is so so so important to me, at age 47. Even if my wife stops tomorrow, I can be thankful that I had 20 very good years, thanks sweetie!!! I'll always be faithful to you(I hope!) Today I started the morning in a very good way(she's helpless when I wake her up early), and this a.m. we had a nice morning running around doing some light shopping. Now If instead of a few nice minutes of my wifes time, she said, hit the road pal, I am sure that our little shopping and lunch trip would not have turned out the same, I could've done the shopping myself, but I went out of my way to make sure my wife and I spent some time together! That's how it works. Now the rules in my house are she has 48 hrs off, at least, ain't I a nice guy. Gotta go, and empty the dishwasher...

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