Sex addiction and lies

[jamie379]

I hope this is the appropriate place for this. Also know that I'm a guy and so is the person I'm in a relationship with, but I think this question can transcend the boundaries of sexual-preference.

 

Ok, so here's the quick back story: I've been seeing this guy for about 4 months, and both of us really care for each other. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about being in a relationship and put up a lot of roadblocks to moving forward. He was very patient and allowed me to go through what I had to in order to become closer. We were sexually involved just about every time we saw each other.

 

Since early July, I've pretty much become comfortable and committed to the relationship, and I had never been happier. But the 3-weeks or so we haven't been having any sexual relationship at all. I started to get pretty suspicious.

 

So Tuesday night I slept at his place. Monday morning I got up early because I was having trouble sleeping. I left him in bed and went to check out the computer in the basement. In my looking around, I clicked on his email program and one message subject stood out at me as a response to an online ad. I wasn't intentionally on his computer looking for incriminating evidences, nor did I initially intend to read any of his email. But this message caught my eye and I opened it. After reading it and a few dozen others that he had there, I formulated the opinion that he was sleeping around, hooking up, without my knowledge. I only had a few weeks history there, but from what I can tell I can only assume that this has been going on for a long time.

 

So longer story shorter, I confronted him about it. He was initially very disturbed that I read his email. He said he has issues he's working through and this is one of them. He seems to get off on attention and "the chase" of getting someone to be with him or find him attractive. He also said he's a very sexual person. But he doesn't want to talk about it or answer any of my questions about this problem. He says he needs to be able to work through it on his own. I was able to have him promise not to hookup from now on.

 

So my question is this: Does this sound like something I need to let him work through? Is it something I should end this relationship over? I need a way to be able to talk to him about it without making him feel self consious or embarrassed. He says he's still very committed to me and wants to make things work. But he's also hurt that I violated his privacy by going through is email and needs to get over that before he feels guilty about what he did.

 

He's the most amazing person I've met and I don't want to lose him. I just don't want my emotions for him to get in the way of my better judgement.

 

Sorry for the long post. Feel free to ask questions if something's not clear, this is just off the top of my head and not much proofreading has taken place!

[krissy]

Hi,

I've been through that exact situation before. My bf at the time love the attention he received from other girls. He would go so far to make sure people thought he was single. I'm not sure if he actually slept around on me, but he did everything else. I confronted him about it about 3 months into the relationship and he said it was only because he didnt know how serious we were and he said it would stop. Well it continued for over a year and I had enough. I couldnt take not feeling "special" anymore. He was a great guy otherwise. I would of never known if I didnt see his computer. He would get angry and defensive towards me. Tell me basically that it was my fault. That if I was different then he wouldnt have to this. He also told me that it was a bad habit that he just couldnt get rid of. He made his choice...

 

Basically, I dont think that its something that someone can get over on their own. He seems like a nice guy and really embarrassed about it. As long as he is willing to show you that its not going to continue and that he honestly just wants to be with you. I think second chances are ok in some circumstances, you just both have to be willing.

[hardcharger]

Does this sound like something I need to let him work through? Is it something I should end this relationship over?

 

there is nothing worse than a LIAR. And there are those that have no problem being pathological liars to get what they want. This is a very strong sign that he is not a "good guy" and eventually you will just be another notch on his belt while he continues. Use your eyes and ears to look for the truth, accept it, and act on it thinking ONLY of your best interests.

[jamie379]

I see merrit in both of your comments. While he has kept part of his life from me, he has been totally honest about everything else up to this point as far as I can tell. I'm actually kind of surprised he was able to keep this from me, so maybe he's really good. But I hope this is it. We'll see. I'm still interested in hearing from others, so keep 'em coming!

[fishrrshortae]

Hun I'd be careful if I were you ... make sure you're at least using protection if you do decide to stay with him.. My honest opinion is that his behavior is at best shady and at worst dangerous, and in my experience, this type of behavior does NOT change.

[laboheme]

I don't want to make any assumptions, and I don't know if that's the case here...but somebody I know was in a similar situation, being cheated on multiple times by his partner. It turned out that his partner had a valid problem that required serious therapy and treatment. They took a break from the relationship, but still cared a lot about each other...Anyway, therapy seems to be helping, and they're talking about giving thing another shot...

 

Basically my point is, sometimes hooking up is not something that the person can really control...but if he wants to stay with you, he needs to be serious about changing that, regardless of what it takes -- be it honesty and a little will power or professional help...

[hardcharger]

when I look back at the guys who were "players" in their early 20's, many of them had big trouble being and staying married because their old habits stayed with them, one way or another. This brings up another thing for a girl to consider when dating a young guy with gads of experience with different women. How did he get all those girls naked, what did he say to them to satisfy his own needs? What lies did he tell and how did he USE women to satisfy his own needs. I started out a little slow sexually, and never many partners before marriage, (but had some exper for sure). And looking back, I think that was a benefit. I didn't lie my way to sex and didn't have to suffer the consequences of that. I've more than made up for it while married, partly because I have a truthful relationship with my wife(at least we have that)

[jamie379]

Again, thanks for the responses. If everything else about this relationship we have going on didn't seem so normal and wonderful I would have been out of there in a hearbeat. But because it's been going so well up until now I really want to try and make things work.

 

Does anyone have suggestions about how to talk to him about it without seeming like I'm interrogating him or like I'm attacking him?

 

Why does this stuff have to be so difficult!? If this really IS the ONLY thing that we need to get through together, that's got to be a good thing, right?

[jamie379]

Oh yea...should I feel bad about going through his email? He says he feels invaded. How can I tak to him about that and hopefully make him see it's not how I know this is going on, it's THAT I know?

[annie24]

So my question is this: Does this sound like something I need to let him work through? Is it something I should end this relationship over? I need a way to be able to talk to him about it without making him feel self consious or embarrassed. He says he's still very committed to me and wants to make things work. But he's also hurt that I violated his privacy by going through is email and needs to get over that before he feels guilty about what he did.

 

 

I can't tell you what to do, but I know what I would do in your situation. I would walk away.

 

If he is in a relationship, but still needs to be emailing a dozen men for the chase, then he has some serious problems! And that is if his explanation is true. How do you know that he's NOT meeting these men on the side?

 

I think you caught him red-handed. I don't see why you "owe" it to him to "help" him out through his addiction. He seems to be having a perfectly happy time, having one relationship, and keeping his options open. I don't even believe that he has a geniuine disorder - maybe he is simply "sowing his wild oats?"

 

My advice is definitely to walk away. You caught him in his lies. What else do you need now? If you walked in on him on another date, or in bed with another man, would you dismiss that also, as him being unable to control his impulses?

 

EDIT: Oh yeah, and snooping is never good. You did a wrong thing there. However, you acquired some valuable information that you wouldn't have known otherwise. What are you going to do with this info now?

[Rabican]

I hope this is the appropriate place for this. Also know that I'm a guy and so is the person I'm in a relationship with, but I think this question can transcend the boundaries of sexual-preference.

 

 

So longer story shorter, I confronted him about it. He was initially very disturbed that I read his email. He said he has issues he's working through and this is one of them. He seems to get off on attention and "the chase" of getting someone to be with him or find him attractive. He also said he's a very sexual person. But he doesn't want to talk about it or answer any of my questions about this problem. He says he needs to be able to work through it on his own. I was able to have him promise not to hookup from now on.

 

So my question is this: Does this sound like something I need to let him work through? Is it something I should end this relationship over? I need a way to be able to talk to him about it without making him feel self consious or embarrassed. He says he's still very committed to me and wants to make things work. But he's also hurt that I violated his privacy by going through is email and needs to get over that before he feels guilty about what he did.

 

Sort of creeped by the guy guy thing... but whatever.

 

Sorry him working through stuff like that alone is a no no. I would find that unacceptable in a relationship. If my girl wanted 'the chase' I would wonder what she felt was lacking in our relationship. And also what else she would be willing to pursue.