Did she cheat, or not?

[Fisch]

I have posted a few times about my situation, and to sum up my problem, I am in the dark about the details of what happened. My ex lives 2 hours away (until college begins) and over the summer I have only been seeing her on weekends. All summer I knew that she had been hanging out with this old guy friend. Earlier in the year she said that he was kind of a friend but said that he was into a lot of drugs and she found that distasteful giving me the impression that she wasnt really friends with him any more. But later she said that he claimed he was getting off a lot of things, and sounded like she was more friendly with him. A long time ago she mentioned that they had either dated briefly in middle school or high school or that she wanted to but her mom didnt let them?! I dont even remember. When her dad passed away at the beginning of our relationship, he was at the veiwing and they said hi and sorry, but that was really it.

 

So this summer she began hanging out with him a lot, going to poetry readings and coffee shops all the time. I talked to her playfully about him, and she would ask me in a joking teasing way if I was jealous, and I stupidly played back: "a little bit". Although in a playful way, I did not really dig deep into finding out anything because I really trusted her and assumed I had nothing to worry about. I was just trying to do the right thing and let her hang out with her friend.

 

Anyway, a few weeks ago she called and told me that we had to break up because she was in love with someone else. That guy was the someone else. She told me that she had been in love with him for 6 years and that she had just repressed her emotions. That he had kissed her but she said she couldnt do this. I tried to get some answers but she would just say that she didnt feel like talking about it.

 

I couldnt take the pain and after that day enacted NC for a week. When I finally talked to her again, the only answer I got was that she said no when I asked her if she still loved me (2 weeks earlier she had been telling me that she did every day). She still would not tell me what had gone on behind my back. ANything really, I have no closure and all these unresolved issues and questions. I really have to assume that there was a lot of emotional infedelity for this to happen (also because I know this girl to be that sort of dishonest) and I think she just wants to avoid discussing it because she is ashamed of what she has done.

 

I am really afraid that she is telling people some twisted story about what happened, when she really blindsighted my heart out of nowhere, and lied to my face about the nature and past of her emotions and relationship with this guy. It all hurts so badly, but I think the truth might hurt even more. What does it all sound like to you guys? Any advice? Should I just let go of it all in my head?

[Relationship Coach]

Fisch,

I'm not sure what better closure you can have other than what she has given you. "I'm not in love with you and I'm in love with him and have been for 6 years." That pretty much covers the who, when, what and how. You cannot control what she tells people, you can only control what you tell people. You know her to be dishonest, give the other people credit, they probably know this about her too. As hard as it is, you need to let go and put some real distance between the two of you. After what she has done, you can't want her back, so move on and realize the truth lies in the dishonest.

 

RC

[birdgirl]

How would it benefit her to tell a twisted story? You mean to somehow gloss over how she really hurt you? I think people naturally tend to do that anyway.

 

I think you'll have an easier time getting through this if you believe her when she says she repressed her emotions. Maybe she wasn't doing something horrible, but was really confused.

 

I'm sorry you went through this...

[rose2summer]

I am really afraid that she is telling people some twisted story about what happened, when she really blindsighted my heart out of nowhere, and lied to my face about the nature and past of her emotions and relationship with this guy. It all hurts so badly, but I think the truth might hurt even more. What does it all sound like to you guys? Any advice? Should I just let go of it all in my head?

I find it doubtful she is telling anybody any stories about what happened. She has another love that she is so distracted. I really don't think she is lying about her feelings for this man. Fisch, I am very sorry, hugs to you, but she loves you but isn't in love with you. Follow no contact completely and let her go in your head AND in your heart especially. Break-ups are hard because the person we thought would love us forever, no longer does or never did, and it's hard accepting that, especially when you know they love another, but we are a team on enotalone, and I won't let you fall behind. Hang in there, the future is bright.

[RayKay]

While she may not tell people the WHOLE truth (about how she strayed) I doubt she is just making up blatant lies either that would somehow implicate you. You never know, but I think it is best to just let go and move forward.

 

Yes, I at the very least emotionally, and the kiss....but I also suspect something happened more than that that caused her to finally end it with you too. But the point is...it is over, she has said she has been in love with him a long time and you deserve better than that.

 

Hugs,

 

RayKay

[Fisch]

Yea, I mean I dont doubt that her feelings for him are real, I really have no reason to doubt it. It is not that I think she is going around making me look like a bad person, I dont think she would do that. Probably just leaving this out to make it seem more like "things just didnt work out" kind of a story. I agree that I need to move on and that I have all the closure about her FEELINGS TOWARDS ME that I need.

 

My main concern is that she went behind my back to go hang out with a guy she knew she had feelings for and lied to my face about the nature of their relationship. I am sure that she was in some way confused at some point but I just want to be reassured that people agree that she is still responsible for what she did. I really cant imagine that they made this move unless they in some way commited emotional infedelity talking about leaving me or being more than friends at some point! I mean you arent just having a friendly conversation when you kiss someone do you?!!

 

I just want somebody to give some kind of recognition to the feelings of betrayal that are tearing me up. Im not an unreasonable person, if her feelings for me had just faded and she wanted to break I would have understood completely, but I just dont feel this is the same. I dont think she deserves the kind of sympathy that birdgirl is giving her here, even if she was confused she was STILL DOING SOMETHING HORRIBLE wasnt she? People should be responsible for their actions. She still had a choice to tell me how she felt, to go hang out with this guy, to do whatever intimate things they did emotional or otherwise, to run away without explaining anything. This girl is always having her innocent demeanor and her "confusion" get her excused from doing messed up things.

 

I am trying my hardest to move on and not care. I dont want to hurt anyone I just want my feelings to be given some credibility. I just want to be able to let go.

[RayKay]

Fisch,

 

Your feelings are TOTALLY VALID. You have EVERY right to feel used, betrayed, shaken...whatever. Yes, she WAS wrong to keep seeing this guy when she felt that way while she was with you. Yes, she WAS wrong to allow it to go further. Yes, she WAS wrong to lie to you. And yes, she definitely was starting something new before ending the relationship with you.

 

She is not innocent...she may however at this time truly believe she is. In time, when she matures and grows up, she will realize how badly she treated you, and hopefully learn from it.

[Fisch]

Thats all I want, I try and live my life by principles. It is just very painful and difficult to do when people throw (what I veiw as) veils over life and cast an image that you are trying so hard to avoid. In the end I thought I had taught this girl so much, and learned so much myself. To think that she may never really see this situation as you say just hurts, and I really see that as a probability. Thanks for all your replies by the way guys. Raykay you are a hero moderator.

[Scout]

Fisch, you were betrayed and I wish so much I could wave a magic wand and help you get over that pain instantly. Because you don't deserve this. But sadly, bad things do happen to good people, too, and all you can do is rise above it and take comfort from knowing you would never be dishonest like that with a girlfriend.

 

How long were you two together? Did you ever see any other red flags that indicated she was a less than honest person?

[ChrissyV]

Sorry to hear this happened.

She totally cheated.

I know it's hard, but you must pick up and move on and not include her in your life from this point forward.

[Fisch]

Thanks so much guys. Scout we were together for 1.5 years, and we went through some very deep stuff together, the nature of our relationship was very close.

 

As for dishonesty in her character, yes I had seen it before. When we were broken up for a while she got involved with another guy, and when I was getting back with her she would lie to both me and the other guy about who she had been with that day. Also, when I asked her if they had had sex she said: no you know I wouldnt have sex with someone I didnt know." Later I found out that she had oral sex with him and she acted as if it was not part of my question. She displayed plenty of guilt after being caught though (as usualy like I say she just seems to always want to avoid being uncomfortable). There are other examples. Whenever she did something like this she would get all quiet and innocent looking, but it always felt like she didnt really regret it only regret getting caught. She has a friend who compulsively lies (I like her friend as a person anyway) and I seriously think that she may have learned that type of behavoir a bit from her. I just never thought she would be the kind of person that would be able to do something to this degree. I loved her so much, what happened to the girl I knew? Its all so much that I dont really know if she ever meant anything she said or was either lying or deluding herself about it, all those times she confessed such deep feelings for me... Feelings change I guess, sometimes you just get burned eh

[RayKay]

Raykay you are a hero moderator.

 

Thanks hon, this is one of those rare cases though where I was able to tell someone what they wanted to hear...I don't often do that.

 

what happened to the girl I knew?

 

Either, she was never the girl you thought she knew, or she is changing, being influenced by her friend(s) or figuring herself out.

 

Not that that makes it right to hurt others, mind you.

[Fisch]

this is one of those rare cases though where I was able to tell someone what they wanted to hear...I don't often do that.

 

I certainly know what you mean. It felt good to hear.

[Rabican]

dude what more do you need!!!?!?!?? She was in love with another guy for how long and hanging out with him daily all the while saying oh hes just sort of a friend.... what a load of bs

 

the only closure you should need is to know that she didnt give a crap about you or your feelings, or your relationship.

 

do yourself a favor and go nc forever with this one... run dont walk to the nearest exit and get out of that situation forever.

 

you can do better than her, and deserve better as well.

[Fisch]

Yea it probably deserves to be put that way. We have a lot of mutual friends though, and the purpose of this post is that I just want people to know the truth. She is so good at looking innocent and seems infinitely non malicious, but apparently that does not stop her from doing messed up things. It makes me want to knock myself outto think that someone can just drop people out of their lives like this as long as they have someone else lined up. I am feeling a little better every day, but its slow going.

[RayKay]

Yea it probably deserves to be put that way. We have a lot of mutual friends though, and the purpose of this post is that I just want people to know the truth. She is so good at looking innocent and seems infinitely non malicious, but apparently that does not stop her from doing messed up things. It makes me want to knock myself outto think that someone can just drop people out of their lives like this as long as they have someone else lined up. I am feeling a little better every day, but its slow going.

 

 

If there is one thing I learned is...eventually what goes around comes around. People will see through a facade in time, and the truth comes out on it's own....without you getting involved.

[Fisch]

Yea, I hope so. I am just so tired of thinking about it every day and having it drain some happiness each time. I was so happy, I can still laugh and smile, but it is just like there is this thing hanging above me always. I went to an amusement park a few days ago and all I could see were the tons of couples all around me, it drove me pretty crazy. I just wanted someone to be close with again.