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Major age difference... should I be shivering?


Baby Carrot
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Im a 23 year old gal, cyber dating a 46 year old guy. We're planning to meet soon (we dont even live in the same country... but oh well...) I can hardly notice the age gap, but to be honest, paranoia comes along sometimes and stupid questions pop up, such as...

 

- Do we get along so well because Im so mature, or because he's so immature...?

 

- Am I being punk'd? LOL No, Im kidding... I mean, how can I really tell if his intentions are good or this is just some byproduct of middle age crisis or some crap?

 

- Is he desperate to trap a young fresh piece of booty as a trophee that somehow shows he's better than many other old guys?

 

The chemistry between us -at all levels- is amazing, I guess at some point this kind of doubts are normal since huge age gaps like this one are always object of mockery and criticism in this apparently liberal society...

 

Just looking for some insight from people in the same situation.

 

Thanks!

 

If u have more questions about the situation in order to give a more accurate response, please let me know. ;-)

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What are your respective countries, and who is going to travel to visit whom?

 

Don't get so swept up in the excitement/fantasy that you overlook basic safety precautions. While you've been chatting online for a while, the fact remains that you don't really know this person. It's way too easy for people to lie (or not tell the entire truth) online.

 

I'm not against meeting folks online in anyway. Heck, I met my husband online. When it comes to age gap relationships....well, my husband's 11 years younger than me, so you're not going to get me discouraging you on that level, either.

 

But what I would caution you against is putting yourself in a situation where you're inviting potential trouble. The fact that you yourself are asking questions about what his "true" intentions are should (rightly) put you on guard.

 

Better you should be overly cautious/paranoid and laugh about it later when you know you're safe than to blindly trust someone you shouldn't have.

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I should imagine what you feel about each other initially will be like any online dating situation. There will be chemistry or not on the face-to-face first date, the chemistry you think you have now is just words. We've all been there with online dating when the e-mails, texts and even phone calls are all magic but then we realise that it was fantasy on meeting. Where you go from there if you "click" with such an age gap will be like any other age gap situation. When it does work it is usually older man/younger woman. The other way round is more prone to mockery. My ex was 11 years younger than me and eventually I could not stand the criticism and stares. Good luck.

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I think this may be more of a safety issue than anything, like s2s brought up. Please be safe, I was raped by a man I met online once and he claimed to be 33, he was 42, and and serial rapist, but he did tell a goods story by email and on the phone. Don't be too trusting, bad things happen to good people (like myself).

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What are your respective countries, and who is going to travel to visit whom?

 

Don't get so swept up in the excitement/fantasy that you overlook basic safety precautions. While you've been chatting online for a while, the fact remains that you don't really know this person.

 

EU and MX, he's coming for us to meet in a public place and neutral territory -not my hometown-. Planning to take a week vacation together. Too edgy, bold and risky?

 

We've talked several times on the phone. He does seem like a good and coherent person overall. I dont feel Im swept up in excitement or fantasy, I do feel Im being pretty realistic and cautious enough.

 

I know there are millions of horror stories out there, but at the end of the day, even family friends u've known for years can turn out to be rapists or serial killers... The easiest thing to do would be to lock urself up in a bubble, never meet ''strangers'' and not to take any kind of risk...

 

Guess no matter how many ''online dating rules'' they make up, sometimes you just need to trust ur own judgements, even when ur final decisions may seem wacky to 99% of people out there...

 

Or what u think?

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I am just going to tell you that I had never believed I would ever be raped. I was a clean-cut, highly-educated student, from a small-town, good family values, and I trusted too easily. He convinced me to go with him in his car then it was all over. There are men who prey on women. At my rape crisis counseling, I have met many normal everyday woman who get raped, these are lawyers, professors, doctors, hair-stylists, receptionists, it can happen to anyone. Be wise, don't say, oh it won't happen to me, or the risk is small, because it isn't. Up to 1 in 3 to 1 in 4 woman will be raped. Be safe, not sorry, it could change your life forever. You trust this man enough to go on vacation? My con-artist rapist gave me business cards, everything, to make me trust him, guess what, they were fake? Everything about him was bogus, don't fall prey to this man, just be safe.

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Lemme give ya a rundown of how I met my husband:

 

chatted online and on the phone for a few weeks, met for a date, had sex on the first date, he proposed a week later, I said yes, we got married 8 mos. after that.

 

That all took place about 5 yrs. ago now. To an outside observer, I did everything "wrong" and I'm still alive to tell the tale. However, that doesn't mean I didn't have safety nets in place when we first met.

 

>I had "safe calls" set up -- a trusted friend knew where & when I was going to meet this guy. My friend was expecting a check-in call from me at a pre-agreed on time. If that call didn't come, my friend knew to check up on me. In addition, my friend had all the relevant information about the guy I was meeting -- his name, home address/phone #/workplace and any other identifying details I knew.

 

>I scoped out this guy as much as possible before I met him -- did he really work where he said he worked? (yes) home address/phone? and so forth.

 

>asked a lot of questions and paid attention when he talked about his life to see if things matched up.

 

After knowing him for a few months, I knew all those precautions I took at our first meeting were completely unnecessary.....with HIM. With someone else, they might've been vitally necessary.

 

Frankly, if it was me, I'd be more comfortable meeting in my hometown -- familiar turf (for me) with help (family/friends) nearby if I needed it. No matter how grounded and realistic you think you are, due to the nature of the meeting -- potential romantic relationship, first meeting, you *want* things to go well -- you can overlook some very important details.

 

Chances are everything will be just fine....but what's wrong with a little extra insurance.

 

Life is mostly risk-taking...but there is a difference between taking well-thought out risks where we control the factors we can control to ensure our safety and counting on luck to carry the day.

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Who knows. He might be a great guy who has good intentions. It's possible.

 

But you still need to be cautious. Just because you know this guy well by phone and internet does not mean you know him well. It's a great start, but how do you know he's being honest and truthful?

 

I'm not sure planning to take a weeks vacation with a guy you don't know is cautious. I would say meeting in a public place is cautious. But a vacation? Will you have to like stay in the same hotel/or hotel room with him?

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I think you should meet him, but exercise extreme caution. It is very easy for people to lie and manipulate over the internet. I'm not saying that's the case here. There's a good chance he's really just a genuinely nice guy and you two will hit it off great.

 

So I say take the risk, but be smart about it. Let others know where you'll be and call to check in with them, especially if you're going on vacation with this guy.

 

Good luck, I hope he turns out to be everything you hoped

 

Oh, and as for the actual age difference, I wouldn't worry about it. You're both adults. Besides, he doesn't have to be extremely immature or going through a midlife crisis in order to connect with a younger woman. Maybe you guys just connect because your personalities match.

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don't do it. My ex was 37 and I was 21......WAY too many differences! I wish someone would've warned me. And in your situation, It seems like he may just be like "Hey, I found some young girl that wants me! whoo-hoo!"

but trust me.....you want someone closer to your age to grow old and so your kids will have a dad. and to experiance new things with! for the first time. The mentalities of someone your age and his are WAYYYYY different.

By the way....how long have you known him?? and has he ever been married???

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I am not opposed to online dating, it is how I met my long term boyfriend.

 

 

However, no matter how excited you are about someone, it does not mean you should be stupid about precautions - no offense. It does not matter what age he is, there are ALL types out there...and most of them give no indication beforehand what they have the potential to do.

 

Yes, people you have known years could also turn out bad....but if that is case, why would you be so careless with someone you have NOT known years.It is possible to have a great time, seize life and still protect yourself.

 

Yes, I think it is VERY risky to go on a long vacation alone with someone you have JUST met. What if for example it turns out you DON'T get along in person or are NOT attracted to him, and he pressures you, and you are alone...?. I do not think you would take issues like rape so lightly if you were in such a situation.

 

As for the age thing, personally I find it to be a very large gap, and would suspect that could cause issues. I also question what exactly your common ground/wavelength is. However, I am not in the relationship, you are both of legal age and can do as you both desire.

 

I would be careful about letting your expectations get ahead of you...you NEVER know a person truly until you have spent time with them in person to know them.

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the chances are that you meet him and all that chemistry goes out the window because he says charming things and looks good in a picture doesn't mean he attractive in real life. He's probably much older looking than you think in real life . And not aatractive. That's how it usually goes for me, meeting people offline. Reality is so different than the internet.

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First of all, thanks a lot to all of u for your participation, patience and insight. Brief responses for each one of you:

 

 

ROSE2SUMMER:

Im really sorry for what happened to you, and I cringe every time I think about its an actual possibility. Now, you mean "be safe" as in "don't meet strangers you found online" or "do it but take precautions"?

 

Also, I don't mean to sound cinycal or anything but... in this case... why would he have spent thousands of dollars for calling me and even more money in an airplane, just to rape or kill me... when he can easily do that in his country without spending any money or making all the travelling effort?

 

SHES2SMART:

Ur story is HOT! Thanks a lot. So I guess the message is "Take risks but be safe at the same time". And maybe ur gonna freak out about this, but the thruth is noone really knows about this whole meeting plan. I really have noone to trust that kind of thing. So I guess I'm on my own. I know, it sucks and is so not convenient but is true...

 

MEOW18:

The meeting is in a public place, we will travel in public transportation all the time, and noone's staying in noone's house. Everything is pretty public so far. But yes, we will share the same hotel room. Is it really that wild? lol

 

HEYTHEREDELILAH:

Again, noone to let know. My parents, of course not theyre gonna freak out and get paranoid and start doing everything for me to dispose the plan. Thats not an option. Ive got no other family I can really trust that, and my old friends... well they're nice but they don't care that much about me, and we're not that close anymore.

 

I do think is pretty much about our matching personalities, and yes as we're both adults is all legal. Thanks!

 

DAKO:

God! Im completely harmless!

 

YVETTE84:

Im sorry it didn't work out with you guys. But in the other hand, I think it was more about the chemistry and understanding between you too -or the lack of it- instead of merely an age gap issue. We've known for like 3 months, and I'm not planning to have kids, ever, neither does him. He was married before.

 

RAYKAY:

No offense taken.Actually I have been everything but careless. All this time Ive been thinking in all that can go wrong. From age gap to long vacation issues. Good thing at least Im young, but overall, legal. Is true, you never truly know a person until you spend time with him... and so far, this is the only way... I mean... air transportation is not cheap like for meeting for 2 hours and then say goodbye, so thats the main reason of the "long vacation". I haven't been able to think of other way of actually meeting in order to get to know each other...

 

ASCHLEIGH:

So what you suggest? This is not only about looking good... Chemistry exists beyond being attractive I think.

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I'm sure you're harmless.

 

Merely making an observation as an old guy. The popular old lech stereotype grates. I'm harmlesser.

 

 

I know! The cliche is always the dirty old 40 something year old bast*rd and the young sweet fresh innocent princess that must be saved from predators and dirty ol' dragons...

 

But I do believe people is fundamentally good. Is it too naive and princessy? lol

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I'm sorry, but I think you are making some really stupid choices. But I guess that is just my opinion and you are a big girl and you can decide what you want to do.

 

Nobody knows about your trip and that you are taking it to meet a guy you hardly know, where you will be alone in a hotel room with him? I have to say that alone just makes me sick to my stomach. I don't think I even need to go into why.

 

In ways it seems like you are making a joke about it. You are a young girl. He is a much older guy. You are sharing a hotel room with someone you do not know. You will be locked in a room with him. ANYTHING can happen to you. That's the REALITY of it.

 

And you are sharing a hotel room with him? In my opinion that's the easiest way to lead to sex. I hope you will get proof that he's doesn't have any diseases, like real proof and not just his word.

 

You have no idea.. spending thousands of dollars on a trip could easily be a cover up. If he's one of the smart ones, I would think it would be more likely for him to do something like this because it would make him seem like he's going too out of his way. You could be falling right into his trap.

 

I'm not saying that he's a bad guy. Maybe he's not. But you just can't assume that he's a good guy with good intentions until you meet him. Why? Because your life is too precious.

 

If you wanted to make smart decisions, you should tell someone you are going and why. And get your own hotel room.

 

But anyways, I hope this vacation turns out the way you are hoping it too.

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Dear MEOW18:

 

Thanks for your comments.

 

Several questions came to my mind:

 

- What exactly does it takes you know "well" a person?

 

- Is chatting and talking in the phone always a fraud, and no matter how much you do it, you never get to know the person, like EVER?

 

- Being "locked" in a room with someone you don't know necesarily means death and rape?

 

- What you mean "smart ones"? Smart ones spends thousands of dollars in their victims?

 

U also said, "you just can't assume that he's a good guy with good intentions until you meet him"... And this is, so far, the only way to meet him... the same way your implying can lead to rape and murder and god knows what else...

BTW, of course sex is part of the vacation. And we've talked several times about diseases, we've exchanged tests, and anyway will use protection.

Please don't misunderstand me, Im not trying to make a joke about it, I just think getting all paranoid is contaminating, so I try to take things with a little humor...

Last, but not least... the original post was more about the age gap, not about my concern about this guy being a serial killer... but I guess too many people is finding this situation like... wild and careless to the extreme.

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And maybe ur gonna freak out about this, but the thruth is noone really knows about this whole meeting plan. I really have noone to trust that kind of thing. So I guess I'm on my own. I know, it sucks and is so not convenient but is true...

 

This is why you are not being "smart" and why people are concerned.

 

I get the impression from the fact you have "noone to trust" and so forth, you are also very impressionable, and suspect he may be taking advantage of that....especially if you are adoptiong a "us against the world" mentality now which comes through in your posts. If you feel the world is against your union, you feel even more vigilant about protecting it.

 

Well, no one is against it, what we are cautioning is to take precautions. Not be paranoid, but to be careful. Many of us here have met people online, however you do NOT go away to another town with them for a week in the same room without telling anyone.

 

And, what happens if you meet in person and find out...whoa, I am not attracted at all! Because no matter how many pictures you see, the physical chemistry in person is different. People can look very..different...too. Then you are away with him for a week? What if he does turn out to be creepy, or abusive? What then?

 

And no, I really DON'T think you know someone until you meet them. And yes, I DO think that people can be anyone they want online. Why do you think the internet is so popular for sexual predators? Because they can be whom they want, influence targets and portray what they want to be.

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I'm sure you're harmless.

 

Merely making an observation as an old guy. The popular old lech stereotype grates. I'm harmlesser.

 

Oh, I know a few guys in the BDSM community who didn't think they needed to have safe calls and so forth in place when they went off to meet a woman....and they never counted on that woman being psycho and crying "rape" or "abuse" afterwards even if nothing happened or if what happened was consentual....

 

Those precautions should go both ways.

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Carotene,

If he's sincere, he'll make every effort to understand and provide for your safety, from meeting in public to having a third party aware of the meeting. You shouldn't need to fear asking for concessions to your safety, he should anticipate them.

If he balks at your concerns for safety, it's truly time think about what's happening.

This would be as important if you were the same age.

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SHES2SMART:

Ur story is HOT! Thanks a lot. So I guess the message is "Take risks but be safe at the same time". And maybe ur gonna freak out about this, but the thruth is noone really knows about this whole meeting plan. I really have noone to trust that kind of thing. So I guess I'm on my own. I know, it sucks and is so not convenient but is true....

 

Ok, there's no other way to put this...so I'll put it to you bluntly: You are taking a really stupid risk.

 

Someone you know needs to know where you are and what you are planning. When I met my husband it was in my hometown and still, someone knew where I was, who I was meeting and when I was expected back. Took all of 5 minutes to set up and didn't kill one bit of the spontenaity or excitement of the meeting.

 

It's not just "inconvenient"....we're talking a little advance preparation now could save you a whole lot of heartache later. Take some responsiblity for yourself here.

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Carotene,

If he's sincere, he'll make every effort to understand and provide for your safety, from meeting in public to having a third party aware of the meeting. You shouldn't need to fear asking for concessions to your safety, he should anticipate them.

If he balks at your concerns for safety, it's truly time think about what's happening.

This would be as important if you were the same age.

 

Absolutely!

 

In the BDSM community, we always tell the newbies NEVER go meet anyone who doesn't agree to having a safe call in place for a first meeting. It's a HUGE red flag.

 

Anyone who doesn't respect for your concern for your safety isn't going to be concerned with your safety, either.

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So I'm about to open Pandora's box...

 

RAYKAY:

Is not exactly "us against the world"... I just don't have an open trusting relationship with my parents, and the rest of the world... well I don't think the rest of the world gives a damn about all this. So, how you arrange an international meeting where expensive air tickets are involved? You just go for it -with all propper precautions- and if something goes wrong u tell the guy... "Too bad, I didn't like you in person, go back to ur country, see you online someday..."? And again... how do I get to find out if he's a good guy if Im too affraid of meeting him because he may be taking advantage of me for being so impressionable and lonely? Is like a vicious circle... How you discover a sexual predator without risking to meet him?

 

DAKO:

Thanks for your words. I repeat, the meeting is in a super public place (airport) and the transportation too. He's not agains third parties being aware, the problem -as I can see- is my lack of them. And I agree, age has nothing to do with it.

 

SHES2SMART:

You're right. And is not that I'm against taking 5 minuts to set up things and let someone know what's going on, and is not that I'm just being stubborn and rebelious, is just that in this point of my life, for different reasons and situations well, I'm pretty much on my own. But I do see the need of letting someone know, thanks a lot.

 

__________________________________________

 

After all Ive read here til now, I can't deny I'm cringing a little... Like all my assumptions and judgements about all this can potentially fall apart since it seems to be a universal rule that:

 

"you don't get to know a person until you meet him... and even if you meet him, with all due precautions, it can be chaotic..."

 

So where do I leave my personal judgement and my convictions until now, that he seems coherent and thrutful? Is all BS?

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I don't think you see what is happening here. No one is telling you not to meet this guy. We aren't being hypocrytical here. We wouldn't say that you can never really know a person til you meet them and then tell you that you should never meet him. We are just telling you that what you have set up is dangerous. And if you wanted to be safer about it, then what you have planned is just not good..

 

You are meeting him in a public place, but you are staying with him alone in a room. That's the stupid part. Do you not see why? It's good that you are meeting in a public place. But what about that night? He knows he's going to get you alone at some point..

 

And yes, you would be surprised by what rapists and killers would do and how much money they would spend. Sadly, it could just be a bonus and less work for this guy because you are willing to be alone in a hotel room with him.

 

Basically what I'm saying is that you can't assume he's a harmless guy. Maybe he really is though. But what if he isn't?? The reality of it is that you DON'T know. You can't assume he's even who he says he is. You can still go meet him, but just take things seriously..

 

And really, if you can't even tell someone that you are going, then don't take the stupid risk of sharing a hotel room with him.. that's just 2 things you could easily change to make it more safe for you.. so if you don't want to change the first one, can't you change the 2nd one?

 

Just think about this from an outside view. Your feelings aren't the only important thing. Your safety is important too.

 

But in the end, it's all up to you. You are the one who takes care of you and you are the one responsible for your own actions and choices. We are simply just giving our concern. But we will stop if you don't want it.

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