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Consumed with uncertainty


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My parents are getting old, towards retirement age, and I live with them at the moment, we pay half the mortgage each. They used to gamble, so have quite a few debts and also the mortgage.

 

I am getting married at the end of hte year and looking at buying a house with my fiance. Problem is, I know that if i move out, my parents cannot handle the mortgage by themselves. even if they both have full time jobs, it'd be a major struggle for them to pay for their living costs plus whatever they owe. me and my fiance will just have enough for the deposit of a new place but i calculated that our mortgage repayments will be quite high. so we don't really have capacity to pay our mortgage AND help my parents with their money issues.

 

I am so confused, so uncertain about what to do. it's become a constant question that hangs over my head each day. i have never lived by myself (i'm 28) and i'm desperate to have my own house with my fiance in the future, my independence, etc etc. yet, it worries me that my parents are going to be struggling and part of me will always be concerned. i know the easiest way, financially, is for me and fiance to live with my paretns after we get married, then we both pay half the mortgage and we're both better off (financially) plus then i am not worried about my parents. but then i miss out on having independence, privacy and time alone in my own house, with my fiance.

 

i really really do not know what to do. if i do move out, how do i control my feelings of guilt or concern???!

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This is a tough one because I will utimately interject my own beliefs here, and you are asking for advice. But nonetheless I will try ~ I personally would help my parents, pay 1/2 the morgage, and when you are actually married, then move out with your fiance. Ultimately though, their financial problems are independent from yours, but I always believe putting family first.

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Have you considered getting your parents into debt counseling and suggesting they sell their home and move to a smaller, more managable home/condo that they can afford?

 

Since you are grown, if they have a bigger home (and/or a bigger mortgage), it might be worth looking into a smaller home or a condo with a smaller price tag, talking to a mortgage company to see if they can refinance at a lower rate, and getting into some debt counseling to they can learn how to manage their debt, money and come out ahead.

 

What do you think?

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yes, i thought of getting them into a smaller home etc, but the costs of selling and then stamp duty in buying almost makes it not worth it (financially). i'm in austrlaia - stmap duty is quite a big sum to pay for buying a house, so by the time we do sell and buy a new one, a large chunk of equity in the home would be gone. making the new mortgage similar in size to the existing one, so not that beneficial to refinance.

 

gee, i'm really at my wit's end here!

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A few ideas:

 

*Move and get your own. Deal with the guilt etc. that will come from that, and continue to look at alternative ways of helping your parents.

 

*Get a smaller home for you and your fiance, or an apt. for a while! , cut down expenses to a minimum (you and your parents as well - sacrifices!), look for a better job or work more....a middle way where you get to move on your own AND help them. Sure, you won't be able to provide as much as you are now, but you won't be leaving them from lots-nothing. They can look into other ways of finding income/cash (even if they are retiring - there are sources of employment, from home or only casual, that they could do.)

 

Ultimately, you can not allow your parents choices in the past to hold you down.

I doubt they would want your dreams and life to suffer bc of them - they want to see their kid fly....

but i understand wanting to make sure they are alright. Alright does NOT mean in the lap of luxury, with vacations, and all that. They made their choices - as hard as that is to allow, you do need to think of yourself also.

 

You will figure this out. Best wishes.

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I would stick with the parents and help them out. Problem is that you'll need a VERY understanding fiancee who could understand your difficult position. Just moving out and letting your parents who always cared for you to rot is not the right thing to do. You can still have that independance a few years later, its a sacrifice i would personally make. It would be better then seeing my own parents go down the drain -_- i care too much for my parents to let that happen.

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Wow, don't even bother trying to help your parents. That sounds horrible, I know, but sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you realize that you have problems that need attention, and you can't count on people to help you when you totally screw up.

 

That being said, your future should not be compromised because your PARENTS have issues. I would liken this scenario to enabling an alcoholic. You should be free to live your own life with your fiance. I would help your parents out as much as you can. Don't overextend yourself whatsoever. Move out, do whatever you want to do, if you have a few bucks left over, toss em their way.

 

P.S. It is also NOT your fiance's problem that your parents really screwed up...

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