tripledigit

yes, i thought of getting them into a smaller home etc, but the costs of selling and then stamp duty in buying almost makes it not worth it (financially). i'm in austrlaia - stmap duty is quite a big sum to pay for buying a house, so by the time we do sell and buy a new one, a large chunk of equity in the home would be gone. making the new mortgage similar in size to the existing one, so not that beneficial to refinance. gee, i'm really at my wit's end here!

My parents are getting old, towards retirement age, and I live with them at the moment, we pay half the mortgage each. They used to gamble, so have quite a few debts and also the mortgage. I am getting married at the end of hte year and looking at buying a house with my fiance. Problem is, I know that if i move out, my parents cannot handle the mortgage by themselves. even if they both have full time jobs, it'd be a major struggle for them to pay for their living costs plus whatever they owe. me and my fiance will just have enough for the deposit of a new place but i calculated that our mortgage repayments will be quite high. so we don't really have capacity to pay our mortgage AND help my parents with their money issues. I am so confused, so uncertain about what to do. it's become a constant question that hangs over my head each day. i have never lived by myself (i'm 28) and i'm desperate to have my own house with my fiance in the future, my independence, etc etc. yet, it worries me that my parents are going to be struggling and part of me will always be concerned. i know the easiest way, financially, is for me and fiance to live with my paretns after we get married, then we both pay half the mortgage and we're both better off (financially) plus then i am not worried about my parents. but then i miss out on having independence, privacy and time alone in my own house, with my fiance. i really really do not know what to do. if i do move out, how do i control my feelings of guilt or concern???!

yes, I have had friends who have been married before, some really rich, living it easy, big house and all, but I don't feel envious at all for them and just enjoy their friendship for what it is. maybe its cos with them, i never felt there was a level playing field in the first place. they might have had rich families to help out, married rich husbands they met before they met me. yet, even though this friend may not have it anywhere near as easy as those other friends, i feel jealous of what she has. i think having grown up with her, and always thinking that the two of us have a "level playing field", we went out at the same time, our families are just teh same as each other. but yes, thanks for your advice. what you say is very true, i can't go around feeling bad for everythign that others have that i don't, the only persron who gets hurt is myself.

the green eyed monster has infected me. I had a pretty close friend from high school. A few years ago, we both started going out with our current respective partners, at about the same time. We double dated, and listened to each other's relationship issues. She's now married, and I am engaged to be married at the end of the year. In high school, I've always had better marks than her, and been told I'm prettier than her etc. Not that I'm comparing or bragging, it's just one of the things where I've kind of grown up not thinking of her as a threat or being envious/jealous of her in any way. But since she's been engaged, now married, I am kind of jealous of what she has. She is building a big new house to live in with her husband. whereas me, I think I have a lot of issues still to sort out. You see, I am living with my parents, bought a house and paying for it (but doesn't feel like my house), and because of parents getting old and being financially poor (gambling issues in the past), I feel like I have to support them for life. I can't exactly ask them to move out of my house knowing that they can't really financially suport themselves. I've looked at options to move out etc, but having two houses to pay for would just be too financially stressful. I am just so envious of my friend who is now married and having an independent life with her husband. I feel like it's so unfair because it's not like me and my fiance can't have the same life, but because of my family circumstances which were beyond my control, I am placed in an undesirable and (seemingly) unresolvable situation. Of course, taht situation is a separate issue in itself and that is why I am so stressed leading up to our marriage, because I am finding myself trapped. Of course, this has nothing to do with my friend, but everytime I see her I feel so envious/jealous. Especially as it is someone I have grown up with, we have the same background, etc etc, why has she got these things that I don't have? Then I feel very ashamed to feel these things and it is marring my ability to feel happiness for her. I tell myself to stop being so selfish and I think eventually I will be ok, but I hate this side of me, it makes me think that maybe I am just a horrible person. But feelings are just so hard to control...anyone has any idea how I can stop feeling this way?

I have a friend who I've known back in high school. We were quite close then but not best friends. After uni, I lost touch with her until she called up one day after about a year of not hearing from each other. She wanted to know how I was going and to keep up our friendship. I really appreciated her doing this, because I had lost touch with other high school friends so I ended up valuing the friendship with her. I had other good friends, but knew that friends which grow up with you in high school are only once in a lifetime. Shortly after we both started dating with our now current fiances. I introduced her to my group of friends and we hung out a lot, sometimes double dating. Back in high school, she was always sensitive, so sometimes people have "tread lightly around her" so that she wouldn't take offense at some minor remark made or thing done which she thought was at her expense. She was a bit better about it now, although there were still times when she'll get mad at the smallest thing and then show a disinterested/mad attitude for the rest of the afternoon. for example, we had broadly mentioned once that it woudl be good to go to china together for a holiday. last year, i asked if she wanted to go, and she couldn't take time off from work. i ended up going with another friend. at a dinner a group of friends was asking me about this trip, and then i noticed that she was quiet and giving me the cold shoulder even though she sat opposite me. later that night, she made up and said that yes, she was a little upset with me because we had said that originally we would go to china together and now i was going with someone else. i pointed out that i HAD asked her first, she acknowledged this, then said it was her issue. anyway, in the end, it wasn't a big issue, but that's an illustration of how she coudl be. i found out that 2 of my best friends in the group didn't really like her (not in a hatred way, but just would not consider her a close friend except that they now all had mutual friends) . to my big surprise, even my boyfriend said he didn't really like her (and normally he sees the good in everybody). when asked why, they said that they were sick of her being an attention seeker and getting mad at the smallest things. my boyfriend said that she was weird, because one could never be sure how she would be, one minute she woudl be/do one thing, the next do/say another. well, she had gone through some good times with me,and supported me through some relationship issues etc. also importantly, i valued her friendship because of the nature of it - being a childhood friend when i have lost touch with most other childhood friends. so i didn't try to let those opinions affect me, although at the same time, i could see how she had those issues. but if they didn't affect me, i accepted them. these issues have started irking me recently to the stage where i'm wondering whether she's a worthwhile friend to keep. it started when she got engaged and asked me to be one of her bridesmaid. i was excited at first and things were fine. the first incident that irked me was when we had lunch with a group of friends. After lunch,, we all stood around, discussing what to do next. She and her fiance did not join us, they stood a few metres away, keeping to themselves. all fine, but then when i jumped into the car to drive off to our next destination, i overheard her say loudly to another friend "no, it's alright, even my bridesmaid doesn't want to help". i got off and asked her what help she was talking about. turns out she was going home to do the bombonieres for her wedding. i was a little annoyed that she hadn't asked me to help, then just assumed i didn't want to help and said to someone taht "even my bridesmaid doesn't want to help". but i let it go, not going to make a big fuss over a small matter. we ended up spending the afternoon helping her with te bombonieres. then, a few months later, i got engaged too. i excitedly called her up to tell her news, one of her first responses was "was i the first one you told". i said no, i had told another friend (a really close friend) already but she was the second. she said "oh, so i wasn't the first one". i got annoyed, thinking what's the big deal, and also, considering that she was always going on about "my best friend Maria" (her closest friend) in front of me all the time, she was hardly the person to take offence at me not treating her as my best friend. plus, "best friends" went out in high school didn't they? anyway, after that, our friendship just went downhill. i got sick of calling her cos she was always too busy with her boyfriend or her boyfriend's group of friends. like, she'll tell us that she wanted to save money for the wedding so didn't want to come on a skiing trip with us, then i would find out she went skiiing with her boyfriend's group of friends. i helped her out with her engagement party, then on the night of my engagement party, in front of a whole group of friends offering to help me out with the preparations, she stayed silent and did not offer to come over or help. she compared her ring to mine - "how many carats is it?" then, when she found out, she told me hers, turned out hers was a little bigger, but she said "how come yours looks bigger". i wasn't sure if she was just trying to push in the fact that hers was bigger, or whether that was truly an innocent statement. i mean, i don't care if hers is bigger or not, i am happy with it, but i don't appreciate friends trying to compare things because that's not how friendships should be. then, i bought a house. she came over, said it was really similar to the one that she was building. she came with her fiance, and she went through inspecting the house, saying to him "this looks very similar to ours, do you think ours is a bit bigger though.? maybe cos our floors will be lighter in colour so it just looks bigger", or " our bedroom will be at the front though, so that the veiw is better", etc etc, staementts to that effect. there were also a few incidents where i wasn't sure if she said things innocently, or if she had an ulterior motive to have a dig at me, and make me feel inferior or upset. at this stage, i started having issues with family and some other things, so i guess maybe i am more sensitive than normal and my self esteem has lowered. i would liie to think it is just that,and that, once i am back to normal, i won't be so sensitive to her comments. it also doesn't help that everythign i say is verified by other friends who say that they know exactly what i mean, because yes, she does say stuff sometimes where they are left wondering what the statement really meant, ie. whether it was really an insult in disguise". the worse, i told her about personal issues, and having to live with my parents after marriage becuase of certain issues (which i am very frustrated about), and then she wrote me an email saying whether i was goign ot move out after marriage...when i had clearly told her was going to be difficult. it's stuff like this that makes me wonder if she's a true friend, or if she says stuff to hurt me on pupropse. i ended up keeping my distance from her for several months, and eventually brought up the issues with her because it was getitng to the stage where we were quite cold when we saw in other. she in turn said i hadnt helped with the wedding. i got so annoyed. i had messaged her several times wehther she needed help and she said not that week. and everytime she had asked me to help (which was just once) i had quickly agreed. there was only one time i could not make it to a dressfitting because i had already organised something much earlier, but i made up for it by going to the dressfitting by myself another time. so she had nothign to complain about. in the end, i brought up all the issues i had with her, she kept saying that she was very innocently saying it. should i give her the benefit of the doubt? that still doesn't change the fact that i think she is quite hypocritical.

Thank you for your advice. I think I know what to do, but getting the courage to do it is the really hard bit. I have tried to make them understand many times why I need to get away from them, and it is hard, because I don't want to hurt their feelings. I basically hit a brick wall because they are completely closed to the feelings I describe. When I say I want freedom and privacy, my mum asks why I don't think I have that since I can come and go as I please and I have the big master bedroom with the TV and ensuite. When I say it is very normal for me to want to move out and that all my friends do it after getting married, she says that I have lost family feelings. She says she was sad she couldn't look after and live with her parents (who were in Vietnam and couldn't be sponsored over) when she got married. So implicitly expecting me to feel the same way and blaming me for not doing that, even though we are now in a different generation and country. When I say I don't want my brothers to live with me after marriage, she says I am being harsh cos where else can they go? And that I am trying to breach the family up. She can't accept that when I get married, my husband and future kids ARE my family, and whilst parents and brothers are important, I can't be around forever. When I say I need to get away from them because they worry me and stress me out too much, she says, "yes, now that you can look after yourself, you don't care about us". And then she cries and says that she knows they have been wrong and that she will stop gambling and that she wanted to do best for us, and then makes me feel all guilty again. Anyway, I need to learn to be very strict in my approach and try to overcome all these negative feelings. Getting married and organising one's own personal life is hard enough without having to worry about other people's lives...

I hope that I can get some advice. I have been placed in a difficult situation and not sure what I should do, and emotionally need some help as well. Sorry if this might be a little long, but I just want to get it off my chest and try to understand what I am feeling. The situation is that I am getting married at the end of the year and dying to move out with my fiance after getting married, but worried about the implications with my parents. Growing up, I had a good relationship with my parents, or what I thought was good. I was an A's student, went to uni, always dutiful, have a good job now, never dealt in drugs or anything like that. I never had confrontations with my parents. They hold traditional Asian values and openly critical of me for shallow things, like being short or fat. People have told me that I am not fat, but my parents will forever say things like that. Whilst hurtful to me, I chose to ignore it. Another thing that was always an issue was that they always argued. I was always scared and sad when they argued and would try to block it out by listening to music or reading. Other than that, my childhood was quite happy. I knew that my parents loved me and would do what they could for me. They came to Australia in their 20s and have kept to their old beliefs and values. To them, there is nothing wrong with criticising their daughter, that was the way they've been brought up and probably how their parents were with them. They are not open to new ideas or accepting of things which they are not used to. I could possibly have lived with that, but then about a decade ago, they got into gambling and ended up losing a lot of money. We used to be quite comfortable financially but over the last few years, they lost the equity in both houses they owned, to the point where they had to constantly ask me to pay for their mortgage payments. I gave them several chances, helping them consolidate credit card debts to reduce the interest rate payable (I needed to be their guarantor), giving them money to pay off amounts they owed. Each time, they promised they would not gamble anymore. Each time, I was bitterly disappointed. I am now kicking myself, because by helping them consolidate their credit card debts into their mortgage, they went out and racked up their credit card bill again. I had taken their credit card but my mum begged me to have it back because she said my dad felt shame that his daughter was controlling his affairs. I wanted to destroy it but felt guilty and gave it back to them, trusting that they would amend their ways and only use it to pay for bills or whatever was needed. Also my mum sometimes "stole" my bank card and used the money in my account (I had given them the pin number when I was younger and hadn't changed it). Each time, her intention was to "borrow" it and she hoped to win money and then pay me back without me knowing my card had been stolen. I feel used, and betrayed, also saddened by what they have become. In a way, I sometimes feel like I no longer know them, my parents of my childhood could not have done something like that. Over the last few years, I have lived in constant fear about my parents' gambling. I saved money, for a "rainy day" in case they desperately needed it one day. When they asked me for help the last few times, I tried to resist, but got the guilt trip and I thought I couldn't live with myself if I refused to help them and then sometime drastic happened (like I've heard of people committing suicide over gambling or borrowing money from the mafia). So I always helped them. Their quarrels increased, they were always worrying about money and I was so sick of hearing them go on and on about it all the time. They hardly had enough to live on, let alone pay for credit card and mortgage. Plus, they were getting on in age and unable to find a job. Last year, I agreed (at their suggestion) that I would buy a bigger house so that we could all live together. I did not have a deposit for a house, so they would sell their house and give/lend me the equity left (not much). The plan was for me to pay for the mortgage, they would pay the bills and no one would have to worry so much about finances. For me, it made sense at the time, because I was sick of worrying about their finances all the time and thought that this would be the solution. I was going steady with my fiance and knew we were getting married soon, so I knew that by doing this, I was committing myself to living with my parents after marriage. I discussed this with him and whilst both not really happy with the idea, at least accepting of it. It seemed better than to move out and then having to worry about my parents being chucked on the streets or living in bad circumstances or them knocking on our door for financial aid. Anyway, I could possibly have accepted living with my parents if it meant they no longer gambled, or quarrelled or give me grief about their worries. And I made it clear to my parents that a condition of moving was that my brothers would have to move out. My brothers and I do not get along, we were quite close as kids, but growing up, just took on different paths in life. One had drug issues, is now working but always broke for some reason or other. The other is unemployed and likely to be that way for a while. Both are in their early-mid 20's. My mum said she could not kick them out, but that even if they stayed, they would pay rent, clean the house (they were very messy in the old house), and that they would move out as soon as they could. I said ok, only on teh condition that they quickly looked to move out. Ok, so we moved houses and then I really started to get frustrated. It was like all the unknown frustruations and anger I have ever had (i'm 28) are now suddenly coming out. My fiance proposed and that probably had a lot to do with my change of emotion as well. All of a sudden, I could no longer bear to be in the same house as my parents or brothers, especially if it is to be long term, perhaps even the rest of my life. Contrary to what they said, my parents still argue, still gamble (not that they have much to gamble with). My brothers do not pay rent, one smokes in his room sometimes (until I tell him off), and neither look likely to move out anytime soon. Both have girlfriends coming over all the time. I think my mum spoils them too much and should be more harsh towards them. She does all the cooking, cleaning and washing for them. They have never done anything and it's now too late to change that. I started feeling used, and resentment. I bitterly regret buying the house. I want to start over a new, happy life with my fiance without the burden of my family. I want my own house and privacy, and to know I can come home to a peaceful and clean environment. I don't want to have to clean up after my brothers in the kitchen. When I told my dad my resentment, he said something like I think I am too good for the family now just because I have a good job and don't care about them anymore. He said that him and my mum don't get to do much whereas I am always going out for dinners with friends and go shopping etc so why am I complaining. I am very angry that he can even think to bring this up. Why can't I go out with friends to destress, and spend my own money? I'm not the one who gambled away all my money so have to stay home and not be able to do things! Anyway, eventually I couldn't stand it anymore, and told my mum I am going to move out after getting married. Her choices are for me to sell the house, me pay her back whatever she had lent me for the deposit and then we each do our own thing. Alternatively, I said that I could buy another place and let them stay in that house, but they will have to pay half the mortgage. That will still be a pressure on me and my fiance and restricts us in the type of house we can buy for ourselves since we have to pay for 1.5 mortgages. Not only that, but there is always the fear that my parents/brothers will not live up to their end of the bargain and if they can't meet their payment, that means we will pay for 2 mortgages. However, even if we sell the house, regardless of what happens, my parents will still need some financial support. I am so so confused as to what to do. The easy practical solution is to stay put and live with them but I just feel such resentment and why I have to bear the burden for all of them. If we move out, I'm worried about the effect this will have on my relationship with my parents. Family is very very importajnt to me, and I don't want them to hate me for thinking I am kicking them out. I know they have not been teh best over the last few years, but then I think of what they have done for me before they got into gambling and that they probably do mean well but they haven't been very smart by it all. Plus, I am very scared that if something bad happens to them then I don't want to not have made peace with them or feel guilt about treating them badly. Yet, I know the more I live with them, the more resentment and anger I will feel. What should I do!! I think I know that I should move out, but I am scared about the ramifications this will have. Please, any advice or objective insight into this will be very welcome.