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Is it him or is it me? or both?!?

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Me - Let's go to boston for our birthdays!?!

My boyfriend (S) - Heck Yeah!


This is the text conversation between my boyfriend (S) and myself on Monday night. We live in San Diego, California. We have been dating for over a year. We are both in our late twenties and we have both been married.


Brief History

[sF's sister (L) is moving to from California to Boston for school. Her and her husband (G) went to England for a couple months before their move. Their original plan was to go directly to Boston but now she is coming to California first and then going to Boston. Her husband will stay on in England and join her later directly in Boston. SF is moving to New York in January for school.]


A couple weeks ago I found out that L will be coming to California before she goes to Boston. When I heard this, I said to SF we should visit her and he agreed that it would be a good idea. We knew she would be here around August 16. We never spoke about it again.


Monday night, when I thought about our upcoming birthdays – mine on Sunday September 3, and his on Monday, September 4, Labor Day – I suggested that we go to Boston (to visit his sister) and New York (to see his school). I thought that we could do a bunch of fun things for our birthdays as well as see his sister and school – fun is something we need right now. I have had a job change and has just made an extremely difficult decision to go to school full time in New York. Things have been rough between us, but we both must still want it, if we are trying to make it work. Right? So we look online for over 2 hours for tickets and plan out various scenarios. He says he wants to get L's plan of when she is going to be in Boston, so we can make our final arrangements. (p.s. this is a dutch vacation).


On Tuesday night, over 9pm coffee, SF tells me that he has not such good news about the trip. L has asked him to help her move on the 2nd. I listen intently waiting for the "bad news"… and then he says that L has asked that I do not come along on the 2nd because he would like it to be a day about her, him and their older sister (J). L expressed adamantly that she wanted it to be just the three of them and if I came along, S would be distracted. When S told L, we had planned a trip already, L stated that this is going to be a very emotional day for her and she needs her big brother.


So then he offers me four alternatives:

1. Still go along with the original plan, but hang out in the hotel room while they move (a choice he later recanted);

2. Fly out on a late flight on Saturday (2nd) and arrive in Boston early Sunday morning (3rd);

3. Fly out on the morning of the 3rd and meet him in Boston or

4. Do not go, and he will meet me back in San Diego on the 3rd and then we will do something when he arrives in the morning (after taking a late flight).


I have told S that I understand that he needs to support his sister, but this is a significant birthday for me, and I will not go along with any of his plans. He replied saying he has no choice and he has to be with L, to which I replied, then stay in Boston with L and we will deal with whatever comes up, when he returns. He is angry at me now, saying I am refusing to let him be with me on my birthday, and also told me today that I am ruining his birthday because I am not letting him be with me.


Please help me…. Am I being irrational? He says he does not have a choice – does he? Where there not other alternatives? Should he have been more adamant with L instead of just giving in to her request? Should he have stood his ground and said I am coming with?

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Huh, it does seem odd that you cannot go up there and just do your own thing while they move!


It is a birthday trip, and he agreed to it, so it is rude to "recant" on it now!


Surely there is a balance?


Have you met his sister before? I just find it strange it is that "exclusive" too. I don't know, in my family we welcome siblings/childrens "S.O's" as part of the family and include them. Sometimes they don't come along, but it's not because they are not invited, etc.

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I find her request a little bit odd, honestly. I can understand he feels he has no choice- that can happen in families with strong ties. What I don't understand is that he doesn't appear to have discussed this with his sister.


However, I think it was reasonable of him to have thought of options what the two of you can do together in that weekend. She is moving from Cali to Boston the day before his b-day, right? Since it appears very important to him to respect his sisters wishes, maybe you can make a consession here, go with him, do something fun the 2nd of Sept and meet him when he's ready helping his sister.


I suggest you 'poor water with the wine' as we say it. Meet him in the middle, before this becomes an unnecessary fight.



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His sister is selfish and manipulative. she had no right to insist on her request. Even if she's not really happy about you going there she should be quiet.

He on the other hand should be offended by his sisters request. If my sister asked me not to bring my bf along somewhere that would be real truble - in a way, good, but than I am not going to.

His sister asked him to make a choice about you and her and he had plans with you at the time. He coosed to acomodate her.


So you can accept his connections and family relations as they are and be prepared to have more situations like this in the future. And of course to keep quiet about it.

Than on the other hand if you don't like that attitude of his.......

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My brother and I are extremely close, and if he was going to travel with me to help me move to a new town where I was nervous and didn't know anybody, I might want him to spend time with me. Not just act like "here ya go, we're off on vacation, bye." So I guess I could see where she is coming from. And I know that he would. He wouldn't just ditch me for his girlfriend. Blood is thicker than water.


However your situation is different considering both of you were already planning on going together and spending time for your birthdays. He is probably torn about this. He doesn't want to upset you or make you feel unwanted, but he knows that his sister is requesting something and he feels obligated to do it. If I were you, I would try to comprimise for his sake. He can't make two women happy at once, it's just impossible. So decide what you would rather do best, and go with that. It's no reason to fight or be mad at him and ruin two birthdays, and he probably feels pretty bad as it is.

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His sister is just being a brat! Don't let it ruin your birthday!


With that being said, I think you should still try to make a compromise with him, and don't make him choose between you and his sister. Honestly you would probably be better off not hanging around in Boston in case his sister tries to steal him away from you again.

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I'm sorry, but thats messed up! What's up with his sister? Thats very rude to request that you not be there. Especially since you have already made plans to go with him. He needs to figure something out since its your birthday, if he doesn't, well then I'd seriously consider his feelings for you. I understand for some people blood is thicker than water, but I'm assuming that you guys are serious, so it seems that he should be taking more consideration to your feelings! Good luck!

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