Long story, but i need some opinions on what i should do. Please help

[SherriLi]

Ok my story is super long so i'll give it to you in point form.

 

Here it goes...

 

1. e get together. He tells me flat out that a huge part of his heart still belongs to his ex of 8 years, they were broken up for about a year. I have knkow this man for 13 years, but he moved for 8 years and only seen him when he came to town for 3 day visits. We were friends at first. and when we first met way back we had a few flings. We admitted we always had feelings for eachother.

 

2. I got pregnant, i was already in love with im (2 mths into relationship) at first he was happy cuz he's always wanted a child. Then he asked about abortion saying he couldn't have a kid. I was crushed. a few words were said, me being divorced and raising 2 kids with a low paying job and no child support didn't want to have another alone. We had the abortion. (i feel this was because of wanting to get back with his ex that he changed his mind)

 

3. He breaks up with me to try to get his ex back. But in the mean time, on weekends, we'd get together to party and end up fooling around, it was like we were still together but not officially. I was hoping he's eventually fall in love with me and choose me over her.

 

4. He phones me and tells me she is coming to visit for a weekend. Tells me gently and asks if i hate him. Then i find out from his friend the night before the ex was coming that he had another girl at his house. I go there, give him what for. and i apologised the next day. We don't talk for a week.

 

5. He calls me and tells me he wants me to come to my brothers party very badly. We sit laugh and talk as friends all night. He talks about his lady and that he's going to do it right this time. Then at the end of the night i kiss him, he kisses me back and we end up at his place and he tells me he's fallen in love with me. and that he choose me.

 

6. He says he can't tell her about me because he spent so much time trying to get her back, and when she fianlly weants him back he choose me.

 

7. He finds out he gets an incurable std for the other woman, (not the ex) and i find out that i have it too. This really confuses me about why he choose me cuz it was soo close to the night that he said it was me he wanted and he never told her in between the two events.

 

8. He goes to his ex's sisters wedding (he invitied me at first then told me i couldn't come later.) (I find out months later that he lied about where he was staying, here he stayed with her) He promised that he never touched her. He admitted that he danced around the thought of getting back with her but nothing happened.

 

9. Months pass get get happier and more in love as the winter comes and passes. Talk about marriage and having a child.

 

10. He tells me that he wants to contact her. To only be friends with her. (When they broke up it was cause she tried to sleep with his best friend) He said that he lost his whole life when it ended, His best friend of 17 years, her, his career. He needed for maintain a friendship with her so he would feel like he lived thos 8 years for absolutley nothing. He never forgave his friend cuz he lied about it, but she didn't) I couldn't handle him talking to her, cause he tried to get back with her earlier in the rel.

 

11. He calls her and now they speak on a weekly basis. She called me and asked me for my blessing. She said all i had to do was say the word and she would never talk to him again. I said no because it would feel like i was betraying him by doing that behind his back . BUT OHHHH HOW I WANTED TO!!

 

12. wE have had a super rocky relationship since. We have almost broken up many times, had all kinds of yeling matches and all my anger comes from the fact and fear that he could some day fall back in love with her, (or is he still?) and leave me crushed beyond repair.

 

13. We got into it lastnight. He started getting all philosphical, He said "You once asked me why i bother, well its becasue of the way you treat me, make me feel, love me, that i'm not laying some where with (ex) ringht now". I lost it, he told me by saying that he was putting me above her. But i see it like he's still in love with her if he can even say that he must still be thinking of laying with her right? Earlier, we broke up for like an hour? He said he was moving, i said yeah have fun with her, etc. He said that i have no bearing on him getting back with Her. Said that he never could after what he done. That he says that i'm the only reason that he's not laying somewhere with her?

We argued it came back to the wedding about him lying to me. Then he said as he always does "I never touched her" I asked him this time if he kissed her. He said YES!. He said he got carried away.

 

14. He asked where this was going to go. If in a few weeks id blow again about it. He asked if i'd be happier if he terminated the friendship. I said "ten times, but i could never ask you to do that." He never said "Well what will happen? I said either we stay together and fight about it somemore, or we breakup and you remain friends with her cuz i know you'd choose that friendship than me the one you want to marry any day) He said fine its over i said ok.

 

He calls me a fool because i don't believe his heart is with me. That he is "still right here" should say enough. There is so much nore. But i am soo mixed up that i don't know up from down anymore. Don't know if he choose me because of this binding disease. Or if he would have slept with he at that wedding if he didn't have it. Or if he truly loves me. any one at all have any advice on what i should do? Or whether or not you think that his heart is true at least now? I don't know. ANything anymore.

 

I'm very sorry its so loong. I just want to give alll the main factors. Sorry

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, I think your best bet is to be glad that you don't have to deal with him and all his drama anymore.

 

He is not good for you, and even gave you a disease.

 

I think he would continue to vacillate between you and various other women and hold it over you that he is with you, and not his ex.

 

He is doing nothing to prove that his is a changed man who is completely committed to you.

[Momene]

Bearing in mind the recent thread about not advising people to dump someone or question the relationship, this is one of these occasions where dumping him is the ONLY option.

[SherriLi]

I failed to mention the good things about him. Not verything is about our relationship is bad. Just the other day he said my personality is unique, as is his, we are very much alike, almost the same person. We get along great, laughter, playfulness, and love, when this isnt interferring and i lose my temper about it.

He is the father to my children ( he's not the biological, but his is thier father)

He shows them love, teaches them, plays with them and is strict, keeping them in line. He is more of a father to them than their bio father ever could be even if he tried.

[babypink61]

Hi Sherri,

 

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I saw some major red flags!

 

- He flat out told you at the beginning of the relationship that he still his heart belongs to his ex

- He got you preganant, persuaded you to get an abortion, and then dumped you so he can pursue his ex once again

 

Either of those things would be the deal breaker for me personally. And from what I've read, it seems like he wants a piece of the cake and eat it too! He's stringing both of you guys along and it's not right! You listed some positive aspects of the relationship, but do they honestly outweigh the negatives? Like Momene said, I don't want to tell you that you should stop seeing this guy, but do you honestly think you will be happy in this relationship?

[SherriLi]

Yes but i have heard their conversations and he's says he's been honest with me since he choose me when we got back together. Ok he wasn't completely honest cuz he admitted to kissing her back in august at the wedding. I had a feeling he wasn't telling me the whole truth about that. He admitted it when i asked him about it. When i accuse him of wanting her back, he tells (yells) that he doesn't. If he did, i think he would tell me. But what if in the future? This is why i don't know what to do cuz if in the future he did after letting my guard down like he wants me to ... it would crush me totally.

 

I asked him to wait when he told me he missed her as a friend and wanted to maintain a friendship with her. I told him i wasn't ready to take that on cuz of the past. He wouldn't

Now out of anger i accuse him of not being able to wait cuz he's scared of her finding someone else. At times out of plain conversation he says he wishes she would find someone else so she could be happy like he is.

 

I don't know its al so jumbles and confusing. Everything he says contradicts other things he says.

[SherriLi]

And also,

about the abortion thing. I left out that i was crushed that he didn't want it. Or it was like rather he didn't want it with me. His words were:

"well you could give it up for adoption to me and i could raise it"

I could not possibly give up a baby knowing my blood was out there being raised by someone else, it would have been a huge custody mess. (i was completley against abortion and did it away way. I pay for it everyday. So does he)

"i fear that if we go throught with this that i will end up resenting you in the future for holding me back"

 

After i heard all that i decided on my own that he didn't want it. So i went out and drown my sorrows in alchohol. I told him and he got angry and said i just made the decision on my own, by drinking. So we had the abortion.

It was wrong of me to take that from him. I should have kept my emotions in check and not touched the booze and waitied for him to come around.

 

Everytime it comes up between us we both cry for the baby that could have been ours.

[Momene]

Sorry to repeat myself but if his ex really wants him, he'll be off at a moment's notice. I think she enjoys having power over him.

[SherriLi]

Hi everyone!

 

I just thought i'd give you an update on this thread. Well since i have decided to stop worrying so Damn much about being hurt, everything has been going absolutley wonderful!

 

We haven't fought once since then, and ever since i have stopped doubting him he has been so much happier with me. We have been soo happy. He's realized that he was treating me badly. But he was treating me that way because he was unhappy b/c i was doubting him. Faith to him is one of the most important things in life. I wasn't giving him any by thinking that he had a hidden agenda. Once i stopped, he has been treating me with respect and he's been so HAPPY!

 

I thik that i became a little crazily obsessed about it. Worrying that he'd do the same thing. But now i know. He's here.... With me... Not her.. That should have been reasurring enough. But its good we went through what we did because as the days pass by it continues to make us stronger.

[PinkFlame190]

he sounds like a hastle (spelling?). You must be exhausted. Maybe you should start dating other people. I admire how strong you seem to be and you also sound like you are holding out great. Go out and meet other people. He doesn't sound like he's worth all the trouble. He probably does love you. It really comes down to how you feel. If you think you have the energy to give it one more try- go for it! But if not, don't be afraid to look elsewhere

Good luck!

[Batya33]

There is a great line in the movie The Joy Luck Club - rent it. The mother says to her daughter, about how to choose a man, that she must "know her worth." You clearly do not. This man was honest with you from the beginning that he did not want a commitment with you - whether because of the ex or for any other reason under the sun - who cares - he was not interested in a commitment with you. You took the risk that he would somehow change his mind, had sex without a full commitment from him, apparently weren't too careful with using birth control or, apparently, protection against STD's and it didn't pan out. Consider yourself very lucky that you are alive. I am not judging your decisions, just observing them and that it could have turned out much worse (whether much worse would have included bringing a child into this world given the circumstances I cannot comment on).

 

I hope so much that you decide to do the work and figure out why you are so bad to you. If not for your sake do it for the sake of your children so that they can have you as a role model as a woman who knows her worth and thereforeeee would never dream of clinging to a man like this man.

 

Good luck.

[SherriLi]

Thanks for the kind words, But yeah we are still together, if you didn't read my post right before yours, Everything is going great, we haven't fought since we almost broke up over this whole situation.

 

I know that he loves me, just last weekend, i was in the living room, walking into the pool room and him and my bro were standing there talking real quietly. "I over heard the last bit "Never met anyone like her ever" He saw me coming and said to him even quieter (altough i heard) "Don't tell her though or she'll make me buy her a ring" He started laughing and came and gave me some loving with a huge smile on his face.

[Momene]

Is murder legal where you live? The bloke's a player. Perhaps amputation in a certain place woudl be appropriate!