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What To Make Of Her Contact????


guy0221
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I got this email tonite. What should I make of this?

 

I wanted to tell you...that I think about you all the time...that me not calling you is not because I dont' want to but because it's what you've asked of me and I want to respect your wishes (I understand why you've asked it of me and I think it's fair). I feel lost...lost without you, lost as to what the purpose of all of this was/is, why it happened. My head feels cloudy all the time. I wish all of this had never happened.

 

I feel miserable all the time. And I wonder if we could even recover from all of this. Do you think it would even be possible? I've made such a mess, hurt so many people...I was just trying to follow my heart, get questions answered, and all i've done is made my heart hurt, and yours too, and created more questions.

 

This city feels like a ghost town without you.

I don't have email often yet, so I don't know if I'd get the email if you wrote me back. I would like to talk to you but don't want to invade your space or get in the way of your healing.

 

I feel like I have a lot of healing to do too, but I feel instead like my insides are just ripping themselves apart...

 

Is it even possible for you to still love me after all that's happened?

 

 

It sounds like she is wanting reassurance from me if she is to try and come back. ](*,)

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I'm really confused myself. It seems there is some confusion on her end about the conditions under which she should contact you. Try this: tell her to please not contact you in any way shape or form unless she wants to get back together. Make sure you are on the same wavelength about what that means and then go back to NC. If she wants to get back together, it would then be up to her to call you and tell you that, exactly that and nothing less.

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I disagree with only asking her to make contact if she wants to get back together, to me that is saying please... come and play games with my heart.

 

It's a clear cut situation man, she is confused, lost and she is obviously regretting some decisions she made that led to the break up. Who initiated the break up and what were the circumstances? Do you still want to get back together with her or do you think you are past that stage now?

 

PR

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It is important to be somewhat objective in this situation. If you still love her (which judging by your other posts you seem to), then it seems reasonable tell her that you still do. But you should also say that it’d really have to be worth it to put yourself at risk again - especially considering what happened last time (creds to major23). You should really only consider taking her back if she is sure about her feelings. Make it clear to her that if she has any doubts or is seriously curious about someone else, that she would be doing both of you a disservice in trying to get you back. Overall I would take some of the advice about being somewhat aloof and objective from this highly rated thread: . At the least take it slow. In my opinion, when people are "confused" it is the worst time to take on a relationship. Please protect yourself from getting hurt again.

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Is it even possible for you to still love me after all that's happened?[/i]

 

 

 

hmm..that line makes me wonder, she's obviously regretting some if not all thing after the break up it sounds like a tester for getting back together..have you been NC forawhile? Does she think your over her (if you arent) if you've been doing the things here listed you should do, this could be a result of those actions. I would suggest taking it slow, maybe asking her what she expects from you after this? maybe plan a meeting depending on that outcome, to see if shes generally interested, say i'll meet you for coffee but im busy this week, how about next. If she's serious then you will know.

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Looks pretty similar to an email my ex sent to me after our first breakup. Sure shes hurting. Sure shes unsure of the decision she made. Sure shes missing you. Sure she doesnt know whats going to happen in the future.

 

All i can say is that NONE of this is enough for a relationship to work out. Took me two rounds to figure that out. Do you think shes made the changes she needed to so that the relationship will work? Have you? Personally I wouldnt bother wiht her. She doesnt sounds at all like she is in a stable part of her life. Think about it. Her saying " Its a ghost town without you" is not the same as her saying "hey XXXXX I realized I made a big mistake, I want to try again with you."

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Well, I don't see anything in that email that really justifies a response, or at least a response that I can come up with. It sounds like she is fishing for how you are doing (asking if you could still love her).

 

Of course she is hurt, you two broke up! However it is her job to grieve on her own. She knows that she is crossing your boundary by contacting you in this way, yet she is doing it anyway by tip toeing around. I'm also sure that most dumpers regret their decision from time to time, but you two broke up for a reason (whatever that is).

 

I'm not sure if one should take the other back just because they miss you due to NC. Things will just go back to the way that they were and then you will end up in the same spot again.

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The thing is...this particular break up was not caused by any continuing issues, trust, communication. She was abroad for 10 months...befriended a girl who turned out to be gay. The girl fell in love with her. She questioned herself for letting someone other than me get that close and fall in love. She did not want to hurt myself or her in the process of figuring that out.

 

So, IMO it comes down to her figuring out if she may have gay feelings or not...or plainly, is it me or her??

 

If she has come to a conclusion and wants me back...I'd be willing to try.

 

I sent her this text after the aforementioned email.

"Got the email, don't know what to say except follow your heart. if it leads to me then i'd be willing to try"

 

She called me at like 1 in the morning but I did not answer...said she had a bad dream.

 

How do I go forward? wait for a response now??

 

Thanks for all your sound advice

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I agree with heloladies. I think you should just ask her point blank if she wants a relationship with you now. Anything else could just lead to more miscommunication and hurt feelings. Just get this clear this cleared up ASAP so you can move forward, with or without her.

 

If she says she needs time to figure herself out...to figure out if she's gay or not or to figure anything else out then you need to make a decision whether or not to wait for her. I recommend in that case that you don't because limbo is painful, but that's just me, no one can make that decision but you. You would need to weigh the pros and cons if that is indeed the case.

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I think people are generally very wary of this situation but to me it seems pretty clear cut and dry; She wants another chance.

 

This is the type of communication most of us on this board dream of getting.

 

She called you at 1 a.m.? Wow. That is hot pursuit, IMHO.

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I think that it is absolutely imperative that you make it clear to her that she is going to have to be honest about her feelings, and that she has to make a decisive decision and not try and repress anything. If she thinks there is a notable chance that she will change her mind, dont do it! However, definitely wait for her to make contact, the more you let her come to this decision on her own, the more solid it will be when she makes it, which is what you want either way.

I have to say, judging by how confused this person seems, that even if she wants to come back to you. You are taking a pretty big chance. If she comes back to you, there is a person that she leaves relatively unexplored and in reality there is nothing to say that even if she appears to make a decisive decision, she may still be overwhelmed by emotions. Your job is to simply help her reach the truth, and that is best done right now with the minimalist approach of influence. You have not made any huge mistakes yet, it's hard, but have her make the decision.

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If she comes back to you, there is a person that she leaves relatively unexplored and in reality there is nothing to say that even if she appears to make a decisive decision, she may still be overwhelmed by emotions.

 

I think with this other person, it is cut and dry. If this were another guy that she wanted to explore, I might be weary. Since it's a girl, if she decides she has no gay feelings...(which i really feel she does not), it should be pretty easy to want to come back to me.

 

I think what she is doing now is exploring the possibilities with this other person. I definitely want to wait until those are resolved...

 

i dunno. i'm going to wait for her to contact me next...then i'll have a decision to make.

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The fact is she is still confused. Regardless of gender, time, place, age etc etc. Its never a good idea to align yourself with someone who is confused and indecisive. Fact is YOU cant make decisions for them and waiting for them to get their poop together, well thats your call if its ever goign to happen.

 

Heres my post with the email my ex sent me.

 

 

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I really don't want to manipulate her...I feel I probably could but it wouldn't be good for either of us in the long run. i want her to come to this decision on her own...i'm just going to let her know that i am still around and that I would listen if she wants to talk about coming back.

 

In the meantime, i will play the reactive role...no contact unless initiated by her. I have a feeling this will all come to a head this weekend...i know her too well.

 

should i be more aggressive in this??

 

thanks again for everyones responses.

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In some sense I think that you already know your answer. She is confused, not sure if she wants to be with you, although perhaps she made a mistake. You know that this is not good to have in a gf, yet you have a connection to this one so you are willing to make an exception.

 

So my question is really, what has happened besides her just missing you? What keeps her from doing this again?

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You don't have to wait for her to give you an answer, go get your answer.

 

I would like to do this but in the same sense...I don't want to push her away as well. I'm fine with a little more time...when it gets to be too much, I will have to demand an answer.

 

So my question is really, what has happened besides her just missing you? What keeps her from doing this again?

 

I just trust her. If she came to me after this and said she is SURE about us, I would believe her...I just do...

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First, I want to say, I could be dead wrong on my take on this, so just food for thought.

 

Be careful, right now it's most important for you to protect your OWN HEART. She is very confused, and when the "ex" is having a "low moment" it's natural for them to have the "need" (the selfish need) to find out if YOU are still on the line, still there should they need you, have thier curiosity resolved, only to NOT truly be interested in "getting back together", so many of us have learned this the hard way.

 

Maybe you could just wait a few days, think it through and if you decide to respond be very "clear about your intent" when you respond, and remember when doing so you will be putting your heart at risk, the best thing to respond with is: "what are your intentions in contacting me, do you want to discuss the possibility of "us"?" I chose NOT to respond to my ex's email, even though I was so excited to hear from him, my instincts told me he was only contacting me for HIS needs, and not for "US".

 

I have to say from reading her (your ex's) email, she is NOT seriously in a healthy way, interested in getting back together, I feel she is contacting you more so to know that YOU are still there if she needs you....

 

I know after a break up, we all think "yes, I want to be there for the ex", but believe me, when we actually end up "helping them ease through their own guilt and uneasiness of the break up", we are left trying to rebuild our own heartache all over again, while the ex is relieved and feeling better about themselves because we the dumpees make them feel "it's okay the way you treated me, don't be sad, I'm here for you"... well honestly is that what you want to be in her life? No. You want to be her MAN, not her shoulder to cry on so she can feel better about her choice to leave you.

 

No where in her email does she clearly state: I made a mistake, I want you back". Most of her email is about HER and what SHE'S suffering through and how it makes HER feel. When someone is truly seriously wanting you back and is emotionally healthy enough to offer you such, they would simply ask: "I feel I made a mistake in leaving you, would YOU be okay if we talked about "us" again?".

 

Take care of yourself, and know that her history will indicate her choices in the future, and her going on a trip and then questioning her own feelings after meeting a girl..well, your ex needs to grow up and take this time away from you to "find herself".. with no sense of self, she has nothing to offer you but more heartache as you end up spending most of your energy on HER instead of working on YOU.... I lovingly suggest you wait a bit if you even respond at all.... take care of YOU. She needs to "feel the consequences of her choices" for a bit longer if she is ever to learn anything.. try not to get in the way of her learning this..

 

P.S. someoone on here said, "calling you at one am, that's hot pursuit". well I disagree, one am call says to me: a selfish need for her own gratification and it has NOTHING to do with YOU. When an ex is serious about a healthy reunion, they call at a decent time and clearly state their well thought out unselfish intention. one am, says to me: "feeling down, want to know you're still on the line if I need you but I'm not honestly in a healthy emotional way, wanting to work on something REAL for the long run, nope it's just for "now" so I can feel better in the moment" and once they get that "need" met, they are back to pushing you away.... careful, take care of YOU right now, she's made a choice let her live with it for awhile... you can't take what she says seriously NOW if you don't choose to take what she actually DID DO BEFORE seriously.. wiegh them both with equal importance.

 

Let us know how you're doing.. best, blender

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That about sums it up best you can. Again her email is about HER HER HER.

 

My ex sent me a few emails over the past few months. In fact in the last one I sent I asked her 3 specific question one being "Are you wanting to get back together" ( i am not interested myself).

 

Her reponse said nothing about getting back and nothing about anything except HER HER HER. Actually I let a friend read that email and my response to it(which will never be sent) and they brought up the fact that it was all about her. To me that is the most telling thing.

 

People like this are too be AVOIDED. Not because they are mean and nasty and hateful. But because they often dont have a clue about life and will use their feelings to justify their actions (callling you at 1AM!). There are many people who live troubled lives because they cannot or will not avoid letting their actions be dictated by how they feel. Its very hard to have a stable loving relationship with these types of people.

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Tylercurden, you got it right, I've been there and it takes great courage to "make choices based on the truth" and not what we are "hoping for". You are so right about these types of "ex's" being emotionally unhealthy to build any foundation of a relationship with.. when their emotional needs need to be met, the do whatever gets them through the "moment" never choosing to be mature enough to think of how it might effect others... especially the one who heart they broke... I hope he hears us and learns from our situations.. mine was so much like yours... thanks for posting your experience, it makes me feel better too.... ugh, these damn selfish ex's, so charming, needy, pathetic, sexy, all rollled up into one big drama that leaves us drained and wondering what the hell hit us... well don't look back, right?

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I understand your perspective blender and tyler. I wonder if there is anyone out there that has had a positive experience from reconciliation in a situation like this. I have confided in this forum but I fear many people on here share the same disbelief due to their own pasts.

 

Each situation is different. I will take the opinions of this forum but ultimately I am going to have to follow my heart. I'm afraid it has more power than my mind right now.

 

I will wait for her next contact and then see if I can get a clear explanation as to her feelings.

 

In the end, I still believe in us and that is the only thing I am sure of. I hope I don't have to learn the hard way.

 

Thanks to everyone.

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I understand your perspective blender and tyler. I wonder if there is anyone out there that has had a positive experience from reconciliation in a situation like this. I have confided in this forum but I fear many people on here share the same disbelief due to their own pasts.

 

Each situation is different. I will take the opinions of this forum but ultimately I am going to have to follow my heart. I'm afraid it has more power than my mind right now.

 

I will wait for her next contact and then see if I can get a clear explanation as to her feelings.

 

In the end, I still believe in us and that is the only thing I am sure of. I hope I don't have to learn the hard way.

 

Thanks to everyone.

 

Sure you shoudl ultimately make the decision yourself. Having said that however you need to really look at whether you rheart is tellign you whats best. You can love anyone and thats great but A RELATIONSHIP IS THE LOGICAL PARTNER TO LOVE. That is a relationship has to make sense to "add up". You are feeling strongly about her and looking at any positive sign as an indication and affirmation of what you really hope for and that is to be back together with her.

 

This is the reason you want other points of veiw. What you really want is someone to affirm your belief that she wants to get back together with you in a complete and healthy way. That is without other motives such as needing to be with someone, afraid of being alone, wanting someone while she looks for someone she really wants to be with.

 

The facts are: if she wanted to get back together with you the very thought of losing you forever would drive her to make it happen, for the relationship to work out. Plain and simple. Nothing in her email to you indicates that. Again its all about her and how she is feeling. Not what a healthy relationship is about. Most likely you will be a crutch for her until she decides you are not longer what she wants and someone better comes along.

 

So go for it. I personally dont see anything to indicate it will work out. But if it does great if it doesnt at least it presents you with a great learning opportunity.

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I wish you the best, but please try to separate your "feelings" from the "facts". Write down all your "feelings", and then in a separate piece of paper write down the "facts".

 

eg.

FEELING: "I still love her"

FACT: "she is choosing not to be with me right now, regardless of what she is saying in emails, (words), her ACTIONS let me know she is not "ready".

 

This idea of writing down "feelings" and "facts" helped me think more clearly, maybe it will help you.

 

And just so you know, on this site, we are not the type to "disbelieve" we just want to help you "think it through". I hope for your sake we are wrong and that you love YOURSELF enough to follow through on what is "right", "healthy" and "honest".

 

She (your ex) is fortunate to have a guy like you, who is still considering her as a "mate" after all you have chosen to let her put you through, just be careful to "choose" how much you are willing to sacrifice of YOURSELF to be with her...

 

Always remembering that a relationship can not be built without two "complete individuals" who are strong on their own before getting together... that is a "fact". good luck, let us know how you are doing... best, Blender.

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