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Emotionally Abusive Girlfriend

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I have been in a relationship for 5 years with my girlfriend whom is 8 years older than me.

We fight a lot, and I have recently discovered that she is emotionally abusive towards me.


For the first 6 months of our relationship I was inconsiderate towards her, and to this day she blames the first 6 months of our relationship and me for all the problems.


She never takes ownership of her problems - instead she blames me for all the problems.


Whenever I have a problem that I want to discuss with her, she immediately raises her tone of voice and gets her back up to me. She goes into denial and starts machine gunning me with all sorts of things, blaming me for things that happened years ago and is now fixed.


She gets angry, raises her voice, starts crying and gets sarcastic. She tells me, here we go again - another fight. I should be so lucky to have such a wonderful buyfriend.


I can never raise a cocern with her, I have made a concerted effort to raise converns in a very considerate and respectful and by talking to her in a soft voice, but no matter how valid my concern is or how nice I try and bring the issue up, she always flares up.


It normally ends ugly with her calling me names, shouting at me, and telling me to shut up or she will leave me or go somewhere else.


During this whole process she belittles me, accuses me, undermines everything I say, and dodges everything. She throws everything back into my face and brings up completely irrelevant issues from the past, after the first 2 minutes I am just being attacked, and she doesn't even listen of validate what I am saying.


When I stick to the topic and ask her direct questions she claims she can't remember doing it, or she says she didn't do it when I know she did it. When she shouts at me and I ask her to stop shouting or being sarcastic or fight with me, she says it is my fault and it is me that drives her mad.


When I talk to her and she doesn't attack me she ignores me - she doesn't look at me - she watches TV, plays on her phone or even works on her laptop.


I feel like she is constantly playing mind games with me.


She never apologises, she only says things like "fine, i'll do this stupid thing, whatever, will you just keep quiet then and stop fighting with me?"


Whenever I raise an issue with her she attacks my soul and self worth. 5 years of this and I have no more sense of self worth left.


After an episode like this which happens every 3 or 4 days, she withholds love from me. She doesn't hold my hand and gets less and less affectionate. I have to ask her for affection, and when I do she gets angry about that too.


She is super nice to all her friends and mine. They think she is such a wonderful person, all her friends think I am not good for her. I get the feeling that she puts on a fake happy face in front of her and my friends, as she is likeable in front of them. She shares things with them she doesn't with me - she is more affectionate with her friends than with me, and if I confront her on this she says I am jealous or that I am trying to control her.


Recently we went on holiday with my best friend. I was very sick in bed, and she had an argument with me the previous night when I tried to raise a concern with her.


The next day she got up and said she is going for a quick walk. She spent 7 hours walking alone on the beach with my best friend. When I confronted her on this she had another 2 hour outburst, denying everything and eventually even blaming me for being jealous.


My self esteem is really low. I know I have to get out of this situation, but I don't have enough confidence to do it. I love her very much.


We've been for councelling, but that didn't help. She put her best foot forward and blamed everything on me. Perhaps I should go and see a counceller that is familiar with emotional abuse.


Can anyone offer me any advice? Am I wrong for bringing up concerns?


I recently read that the basic righs for any relationship are :


The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.

The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.

The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.

The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.

The right to clear and informative answer to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.

The right to live free from accusation and blame.

The right to live free from criticism land judgment.

The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect

The right to encouragement.

The right to live free form emotional and physical threat.

The right to live free from angry outburst and rage.

The right to be called by no name that devalues you.

The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

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So......why are you still with her? It's not about love at this point honey, because while you may "love" her, she does not love you in a healthy manner. I think your love is based highly on codependency at this stage.


Is this what you believe love is?


I read that list at the end of your post, and yes indeed, you DO have the right to all those things. In fact, you deserve them. But you are not going to find them with this woman at this rate. She is indeed abusive, passive aggressive and it appears to me is with you more for what you do for her ego than out of love.


Maybe she does hold a lot of resentment for what happened early on, but if that is the case, she should of let you go...not punished you for it for so many years. Maybe those issues were never resolved in her mind, or maybe they were a reason to treat you this way.


Maybe you should see a individual counsellor, because obviously after this much time, your self esteem has suffered. You need to see how you are strong, and that this is unhealthy.


It is absolutely not right she emotionally manipulates and blames you for HER own mistakes either. She clearly treats you as a doormat, and knows she can get away with it. Time to put your foot down, tell her you will NOT tolerate it anymore, and if she does it...walk away for good. She has had in my opinion WAY too many second chances as is. Even if she never does it again, I have a feeling it will be incredibly difficult to turn this into a healthy relationship when it has been negative since the start.

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Like RayKay, I wonder why you are still with her and what you could possibly be getting out of this relationship.


It does sound like she is verbally abusive to you and very emotionally unstable. That's no way to live.


What is holding you back from leaving her? Are you afraid to be alone? Are there finances involved(are you living together)? Do you not believe you deserve better? Has she convinced through her abuse you that you are worthless?


It's clear that she is not going to change. You went to counseling and and did all you could. If you keep taking her abuse it is going to ruin you.


This is not someone you want to have a future with, unless you like torture. You should make an action plan to get out of the situation as soon as you can. You deserve much better.



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Get Out! Run like you have a reason, because you do! No matter what the gender of an abuser is, my advice is the same. How have you stayed in this relationship for 5 years? Even if the two of you were the only inhabitants of a deserted island, I would say you are much better off on your own. What possible happiness can come from a relationship like this? Forget the ultimatums, leave and build yourself back in to the man whom you once were.



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When you get into this kind of situation it can be very difficult to end it, you have obviously invested a lot of yourself into it and because you love her so much it makes it even harder. But do you really want to be with a person who does not accept responsibility for their actions and behaviors? Taking ownership in a relationship is VITAL. It's basically a requirement if a relationship is going to work. If this goes on you will eventually just come to hate her. I have been down this road, I tried to make a relationship work in a similar situation, but learned it simply will not work when things are so unbalanced, and it will only tear you apart as time goes on while you continue to try to "make things work" when you are really powerless to do so. In my opinion, based on what you said, I don't even think there's room to put your foot down at this point, you need to get out of this relationship permanently for your own good.

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She never apologises ...


Whenever I raise an issue with her she attacks my soul and self worth...


My self esteem is really low. I know I have to get out of this situation, but I don't have enough confidence to do it. I love her very much.



Ugh I so feel your pain. You said it yourself, you know what you have to do, and YES you can find the confidence. Walk away, and remember we are here to help you through it.

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