Jayar's "Low Contact" Journal

[Jayar]

The movie went well. I mean, maybe it's my extreme hypersensitivity to things right now, but he was DEFINITELY very kind and considerate even though there were some "red flags"...

 

RED FLAG #1: He asked when I wanted to meet up, I suggested 2pm and we could go check out his favourite car dealership before the movie... He suggested 2:30pm and we skip the dealership. Now, this bugged me. I mean I wanted to spend every second I could with him, but he obviously wasn't thinking on the same lines.

 

RED FLAG #2: He wanted to meet me in a parking lot by his house. He didn't want his family asking questions or providing their input, which is valid. Especially since his little niece and nephew were over and they would be unnecessarily confused by SEEING me now that as far as they know we aren't together anymore. His protecting of the kids (and himself from his opinionated family) has always been important to him so this wasn't SHOCKING, though it was kinda irritating. Just further confirmation he's not ready to bring me back into his life any time soon.

 

RED FLAG #3: He totally treated me like just a friend the whole movie. I mean we joked around and he laughed and seemed happy, but he definitely wasn't phased by me in a "date" kind of way... At the same time, I KNOW he doesn't want to lead me on. He made it clear that he's not ready to get back together, and if we don't, he doesn't want me to feel like he led me on. So right now I am leading myself on... Can't really blame him for that.

 

GOOD POINT #1: He was happy! I LOVED seeing him happy! I missed his smile so much...

 

GOOD POINT #2: He insisted on paying. I said he didn't have to, this wasn't a date, but he wouldn't have any of it. He did let me pay for the drinks, but he wouldn't let me buy my ticket.

 

GOOD POINT #3: When it was time to go, he hugged me like he never wanted to let go. I mean he REALLY hugged me. It was the BEST part of the whole thing. He said "see you later" and I said "it's a possibility" and smiled... All in all I think we ended the outing awesomely.

 

I don't know what to really make of this all yet. I'm still at the point where I resumed immediate reactive NC, and I don't expect to hear from him at all for the next week (maybe longer). We did NOT set another date for another outing, which I am GLAD of because now I don't have any sort of timeline to wait on. Basically he'll call me if and when he wants, and invite me to spend time with him if and when he chooses. I am really glad we had a positive day yesterday, and based on the feeling I get I think almost 100% he will call me at some point. I'm also 100% sure it will be later than I want and also sure that this is no indication of us necessarily getting back together.

 

I still don't know if I want to be with him. I love him (that's undeniable) but I just don't know how I feel about spending the rest of my life with someone I KNOW isn't sure of me... Even if he gets to the point he DOES want to try again, I'm worried it might be for the wrong reasons; not because he has this intense and undying love for me, but because he figures he may as well since he doesn't think he can find better. He's never said that and he wouldn't, but I can't help but feel in a way that I'm not his FIRST CHOICE in life. I don't know if that feeling would ever go away. Does that make sense?

[ClandestineMonk]

Javar,

 

I just want to thank you for this journal. I am entering reactive NC with my g/f as things have gone awry in the last few weeks. Reading your posts is giving me a good heads up of the things that I am likely to experience.

 

I wish you all the best!

 

-Rich

[Jayar]

Javar,

 

I just want to thank you for this journal. I am entering reactive NC with my g/f as things have gone awry in the last few weeks. Reading your posts is giving me a good heads up of the things that I am likely to experience.

 

I wish you all the best!

 

-Rich

 

Thank you, Rich! The biggest shock for me (and will be for you too probably) was how quickly my ex switched me from "girlfriend" to "friend" in his mind. We went from spending a lot of time together, prioritizing one another, etc. to NOTHING. Almost TOTAL disregard from his side. He says it's so I don't feel led on, and he said he enjoys spending time with me... But still it's a shock and pain that someone who was with you 4 or 5 days a week just cuts you out of his life almost completely. That was the most painful thing here.

 

Good luck to you as well!

[laboheme]

But still it's a shock and pain that someone who was with you 4 or 5 days a week just cuts you out of his life almost completely.

 

Gosh, I know what you're talking about. I've seen my ex a few times since the breakup (mine also insisted on paying for tickets, lol), but it's amazing how quickly the most important person in your life becomes almost a total stranger. No daily phone calls, no cute text messages, nothing. Painful indeed. Hang in there!

[Jayar]

Gosh, I know what you're talking about. I've seen my ex a few times since the breakup (mine also insisted on paying for tickets, lol), but it's amazing how quickly the most important person in your life becomes almost a total stranger. No daily phone calls, no cute text messages, nothing. Painful indeed. Hang in there!

 

Total stranger indeed... It's VERY weird though for me because I understand why he's doing it. He doesn't want to lead me on. I mean, he makes it clear he wants to see if things will work themselves out, and he likes spending time with me. But he also makes it clear he hasn't reached a decision yet. He doesn't want it to come back and bite him if we don't get back together, that he led me on by calling and flirting and being affectionate all the time.

 

And yet even with this understanding, the more time apart I have with him, the more distant he seems, the easier it is each time to say goodbye (possibly for the last time). In other words, the more distand he makes himself in an effort not to lead me on, the more essentially I am seeing parts of the relationship for what they were. And I'm not sure it's what I will end up wanting.

[Jayar]

Well it's been a while. I haven't seen or spoken to my ex since the movie. I guess this is the hard part of "reactive NC"... When there's no contact from HIM to react to.

 

I'm talking to someone new. I don't know about him, and I still have extreme feelings for my ex. I figure I'm not ready for a serious relationship with someone else until I can at LEAST drive down the highway without nearly running into the guardrail when I see a car like my ex has. But even so, it's nice to be talking to someone that seems to WANT to talk to me, and it's helping to keep my mind off of my ex a little.

 

I expect him to call. I don't know when, but he did want my new number so it would have been weird for him to want it and then not call at any point, right? My birthday is coming up at the end of September so it may well be around that time I next hear from him.

 

The learning part of this has been that since the break up he hasn't exactly acted like someone who loved me and misses me and wants to keep me in his life but is just confused. Rather he's acting like someone who wanted out of the relationship and is relieved he finally got out, but doesn't yet want ME to move on 100%. That's not the kind of relationship I want.

 

I have decided not to go back with my ex no matter what he decides. When you love someone you don't need months apart to think about it. You don't need to work hard to determine if this person will make you happy for the rest of your life, you just KNOW they will! If I did go back with my ex I would be essentially accepting whatever he was willing to give me of his heart (which doesn't seem to have been much). I feel that there are enough people out there that I'll meet someone who does know I'm the one without having to think about it, and I'm not willing to settle for less.

 

One thing I was always sure of was that he'd never hurt me or leave me. Now that he did that trust is gone. Since the trust and security (the main thing I was attracted to with him) is gone, there isn't much to go back to.

[empty421]

I just read your posts and this is exactly what I want to dio in mysituation... NC is too much for me and i think too much for him.. but i can do fine not calling him.. he is the one who needed space...

 

im glad you are handling this well... a lot better than i would at this point.. but i think you should stick with it... you are doing the right thing.. if he wants to he will make the effort...

 

good luck!

[Rain__man]

Jayar, you're doing really awesome! It's pretty eerie how similar his behavior is to my ex... except she started by saying we needed a "break". Pretty soon the three months after which we were supposed to try it again turned into the exact same situation...

-her saying she "didn't want to say we'd never get back together" (selfishness, and not taking responsibilty - don't fool yourself),

-not wanting to date anyone (honestly it's easier to get over someone who cheated on you than someone who would rather be alone than have the relationship you both put so much into)

-and being indifferent to the point of rudeness to my attempts at friendship (seriously, I pulled the wheel offa her car because she's too irresponsible to know the difference between "time for a brake job" and a dangerous driving condition, she'd promised to call when he made it home alive, not called for a week, and then been completely unapologetic about it),

-swearing all this weirdness was beacuse "she didn't want to lead me on"

 

Finally, I went down the road (three month marker) of saying finally, "You're not even treating me like somone you want to be friends with, I would never treat someone this way. If you can honestly say I mean so little that you're willing to risk that we never get back together, and throw us away, then you are making the decision that it will never happen"...or something along those lines. That was when I finally got the $$ back I had loaned her a long * * * time ago, gave her her stuff, and went from LC to NC.

 

Even though I truly believed that at the time, 6 weeks later, I have no idea if I can really hold myself to it if she were to truly want me back... but I will never hold out, or see her under the "maybe" bull * * * *.

 

Aside from rambling, my point is that after trying what I thought was everything, the only thing that is starting to heal it up is seeing that she has been able to go all this time without me, and that means she really wasn't the woman I thought she was... I thought I was as important to her as she was to me.

 

 

 

 

BTW, when you are ready to go NC, I really reccomend deleting his # from your phone, E-mail address from your comp, etc. Don't leave youself any opportunity to call him up all drunk, or try to contact him when you are truly in despair. Pack up all the pictures, and put em in a box (or in my case a disk) don't leave that crap where you can look at it and cry about it all the time. Working so far