Inspired by Majord's Plan...

[pants of action]

Hello; I'm not sure where to start...okay, first thing I should probably say is that I'm gay, and that my story involves myself, and my girlfriend. I don't know if enotalone is gay-friendly or not, but I've gained a lot of strength and insight from the stuff I've read on this site, so I'm just going to assume that people here aren't as homophobic and ignorant as the world at large.

 

Anyway, I was with my gf for 4 1/2 years. She was only 18 when we got together, and I was 21. We had a very loving, committed relationship, and we both went through lots of changes in the meantime. Mind you, I'm not saying that it was perfect all the time, but we communicated well, despite the fact that I have a quick temper and a few other problems that I'm not proud of.

 

She went to DC for a month for school, and when she came back, we had The Talk, and she broke up with me. I was devastated, because although I'd been unhappy for a while with my life in general, I didn't want to lose her. At first, I did the opposite of a good idea and I called her all the time. She was going out with her friends a lot, and it drove me insane with jealousy.

 

After a while, I cooled out. I started going to therapy because I wanted to address some desctructive patterns of behavior that not only led to the break up, but only held me back. The ex knows about it, and although she has the audacity to ask me what I talk about, she doesn't get mad when I tell her to piss off because it's none of her business.

 

I was actually excited about meeting new people and having my own apartment, and I started having fun. It's been about six weeks now, and she calls me quite a bit. I always pick up, though, and I should probably start waiting a bit. We usually talk for a long time, and for the most part, its pleasant. We both know that there's some things we can't talk about if we don't want to fight, so we manage to avoid those topics. She's indirectly invited me over to see how she's decorated her new room, and to have dinner with her and her new roommate, a gay dude who just graduated from university in May.

I've been hanging out with a really cool girl, and the ex asks about her all the time.

 

Anyway, my question is, where do I take it from here if I want her to start thinking about getting back together? Any and all suggestions are most welcome, and I look forward to repaying the favor.

 

Thanks!!

 

** edited to add: I should probably also say that her reason for breaking up was that our relationship "had evolved", which i think is total BS. It sounds like a cop-out to me, akin to "it's not you, it's me". I think what she wanted was to break up with me but keep her best friend; she even wanted to still visit my family with me, and to participate in the hobbies that we share. I honestly don't know if she believes it possible to sever the thing that made her part of my family and still expect the connection to be there.

[majord23]

Hello; I'm not sure where to start...okay, first thing I should probably say is that I'm gay, and that my story involves myself, and my girlfriend. I don't know if enotalone is gay-friendly or not

.

 

Gay, straight? No difference here....this board does not discriminate.

 

 

She was going out with her friends a lot, and it drove me insane with jealousy.

 

Then what makes you think that if you behaved in the same way that it wouldn't make her feel the same?

 

I've been hanging out with a really cool girl, and the ex asks about her all the time.

 

*Ahem*......refer to the last line I posted.

 

 

** edited to add: I should probably also say that her reason for breaking up was that our relationship "had evolved", which i think is total BS. It sounds like a cop-out to me, akin to "it's not you, it's me". I think what she wanted was to break up with me but keep her best friend; she even wanted to still visit my family with me, and to participate in the hobbies that we share. I honestly don't know if she believes it possible to sever the thing that made her part of my family and still expect the connection to be there.

 

Are you willing to compromise wha you truly want for a watered-down version?

If so, then hang in there and prepare yourself for months of agony.

If not, then move on - if she wants to be with you then she will follow.

 

Having been a 'dumper' I can tell you that nothing, and I mean NOTHING hurts more than seeing the 'dumpee' move on quicker than you.

 

Go out, have fun and move on. If you move on soon enough (and I mean genuinely move on, not *pretend* to move on) then she may just want you back.

 

If she doesn't, then what have you *really* lost?

[pants of action]

I actually think if I'm not moving on more quickly than she is, then I'm at least able to handle my life a little better.

 

I've lost weight since then (good weight-I've been working out, exploring LA by bicycle, eating healthy) and managed to furnish and settle into a cool apartment in about one week's time. She, on the other hand, has fallen a little sick and has had a couple of traumas to deal with, as she's dead broke, and her mother somehow landed in prison on drug charges.

 

I think I'm pretty happy right now, although I do miss her. Am I right to assume that if the horrible pain of getting dumped passed, that missing her outright will, as well?

 

Just in passing last week, she brought up for some reason what she'd want out of her next serious partner, and she said that she wants someone who is aware of their feelings and that has the ability to talk about them. Hm..is it just me, or is that exactly what I'm learning to do in therapy?

 

She's gotten a good taste of what going out with your friends every night is like, and she's found that it's not always cool. I think that if she's missing me, or still has feelings, she won't talk about them, which I can't really do anything about. I think that being able to do that takes a lot of guts and maturity, and she might not be able to handle that just yet.