Tricky situation

[timlondon]

Hi all. Long post, sorry!

 

I posted to this forum a few weeks back after I split up with my girlfriend, and the advice really helped (no-contact etc). However I've got into a fairly upsetting situation and really need some objective opinions on what to do next, as I'm fairly wound up and don't really want to discuss it with my friends irl.

 

OK - the background. I met my girlfriend in the 1st term at university and we were together ever since, so 9 years now of which we lived together for 5. We had ups and downs as any relationship does, but were getting on really well - really best friends and always having fun. Then 3 weeks ago she wakes me up at 6 in the morning with a bag packed, and says she's moving out.

 

That was really hard, particularly as she didn't provide any explanation of what she was doing or why, and I had to try hard to get from her that we were splitting up. Really badly handled. After posting on here I went NC, and have been seeing loads of friends, going out, training and having a good time - which has been the best thing I could have done. However, the flat still has loads of her stuff, and we have the same group of friends, so recently some "admin" contact has been necessary to sort stuff out.

 

Because of this we've exchanged a bit of information about what we're up to, and she "really, really wants to remain friends", so I felt it a good idea to be as nice and as flexible as possible. All good so far, except for one thing she wrote yesterday, that she's going sailing with "a mate".

 

So an anonymous "mate" is pretty clearly a guy. That immediately caused me to think she's sleeping with someone, which I guess is up to her, but it annoyed me as she was so insistent about being friends - assuaging her guilt? So I did something stupid - I guessed the password to her email account and found something with all the details of what she's been doing - "a complete slút" in her words. That hurts, but what was worse was that I could infer who the guy she's sleeping with is and they met a couple of weeks before we split up. I know they went for drinks a few times, so I really have to assume she was sleeping with him before she left.

 

Now the difficulty is that I'm pretty annoyed with her, but can't tell her why as it was wrong of me to look at her email. However she's going to expect me to continue being friends, which I don't feel I can do - but if I'm angry and don't say why it'll look like I'm being incredibly petty in front of our mutual friends. Aargh! So what should I do?

 

Suggestions gratefully appreciated

 

Tim

[RayKay]

Well, she might not have been sleeping with him BEFORE you broke it off, but she was thinking of it, or of chance probably.

 

Anyway, I don't think you need to have a "justification" for not being able to be friends with her or tell her you know all about it (p.s. NO MORE LOOKING AT HER EMAIL!). Just tell her that at this time, you really need some time to heal and that being friends is detrimental to that moving on process, you know that you cannot fully be a friend right now as you are not ready to see her with "mates" and all that jazz.

[timlondon]

Thanks RayKay, you wise individual . I think you're right - friendship isn't going to work and that I need to tell my ex that, but I also really want to come accross like I'm doing really well and getting over it, which I think means being fairly nonchalant. Catch-22.

 

Although I guess being nonchalant and not being friends aren't exclusive states. Hmm.