Why do wives always blame the other woman instead of their cheating husbands?

[Robinson]

i blamed myself for her cheating.

that suited her just fine because she blamed me too

 

that's the other extreme. Nor 8 nor 80.

There are always 2 sides of the story, but I think that, unless ppl are really poor characters, there are no infidelity cases among couples formed of good people that are only one's blame. Of course the most blamed one must be the one who cheats, but no one who has been a good loving faithful partner for sometime goes out cheating out of nowhere. There have to be problems, and problems usually mean guilty on both parts.

 

My case: I'm currently writing this as my wife sleeps on the couch in the living room, it's 22,50, as she always does every single f****g day. We've talked about it, I've expressed my pitty for not feeling wanted, for not seeing her make me feel wanted, we are on our early 30s and I feel we have the sex life of 50yolds. She says its life, that we have a stressfull life, that I've get to get used to it, although she promisses to take some action (see a doctor, take some darn vitamins or something) but it's usually unfullfilled promisses in the long run. I myself feel hurt and have started to avoid taking initiative, as I need to feel wanted to keep on making the moves.

 

At the same time I know there is a woman accross town, 6 years younger than me, darn sexy, inteligent, pretty and sucessful that is "sieging" me as there is no tomorrow, making me feel very special and... wanted.

 

So... I guess everyone sees what is going on here:

If I cheat I'm the one to blame, I'm the bastard, but no one with minimal inteligence can say it's 100% my fault, that I just decided to cheat out of a very happy marriage. Thats crap.

Oh, and I'm married for 6 years, never had the minimal (until today) urge to cheat, I've had chances I've refused with full ease but hey... guess what... I felt happy and wanted by my wife then.. she even slept at normal hours for our age group. Funny hein?

 

One thing is for sure: if I do it the OW is the LAST to be blamed, coming back to the topic.

[Zuzu2]

I've been the OW. Of course everyone blamed me despite the fact that he seriously pursued me and I never once pursued him. He told me I was the woman he wished he'd always had and his marriage was over, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I think it was just easier to believe that this OW was a total beotch who chases married men than to believe he was unhappy in his marriage. It's always easier to blame the other person than admit your husband doesn't love you anymore.

[JadedStar]

This happens because the woman has a lot of stock in the relationship. She has been hurt, humiliated, jilted. She probably doesn't know what to believe. She is a victim here too. We are not privvy to what conversations her nasty husband has had with her, how he probably tried to coerce her, so who are we to judge?

 

What i find the most horrific is the detective not once, but twice talking about what a laugh he had over the whole thing. What a pompous piece of filth.

 

The detective literally said that he and all the police officers got a great laugh out of the whole thing. They said that everyone at the precinct cracked up all day about it.

 

Glad he had a good time over someone else's heartache. May his personal affairs be the butt of someone's jokes in the near future. I can only hope.

 

To the OP, you seem to be very vested in this ..

[JadedStar]

If you feel this unhappy the moral thing to do is get out of the marriage before fulifilling yourself backhandedly. YOu portray yourself as a victim, which you will only be if you stay in a marriage that is obviuosly not fulfilling you.

[CallingAllAngels]

I am a married woman who's husband cheated...

 

I never blamed the OW...

 

I always blamed my Husband...

 

HE cheated for 3 years..

 

IN that time frame, he had MANY an opportunity to say NO...

 

But he did not.

 

SHE was also married...

 

But SHE did not make a promise to me...

 

My husband promised me FOREVER.

He broke his promise.

She promised HER husband...she broke HER vow to HIM.

 

I never blamed her...I always blamed MY HUSBAND.

 

Perhaps I am an exception to the rule.

 

In the end...everyone is reponsible for their own actions.

 

Allie

[Robinson]

If you feel this unhappy the moral thing to do is get out of the marriage before fulifilling yourself backhandedly. YOu portray yourself as a victim, which you will only be if you stay in a marriage that is obviuosly not fulfilling you.

 

I understand that view, but easier said than done, specially because the context is not black & white like that.

How can I do that If I'm pretty sure I love my wife deeply, even if frustrated and feeling unwanted? If I didn't love my wife or didn't feel, to some extent and even if not completely, loved I would obviously had taken actions.

 

I imagine the classical image of the cheating husband/wife is (one or several options):

 

a) someone who doesn't really love his partner at that point.

b) someone who always had moral lack of standards that made him/her prone to dishonesty.

c) someone conscious of a) & b), living problems in it's relationship but not strong enough to adress them correctly.

d) someone willing to chase the bad option: cheating.

 

Well, my own case, and I believe the case of other good people caught in the same situation:

 

a) someone who loves his parntner but is conscious that someone wen't missing.

b) someone willing enough to have discussed it several times, seen some things change for the better, only to see the other come back to the same stance.

c) someone who still has strong reasons to believe that is loved by it's partner, maybe now on a mode closer to "companionship" than passionate.

d) someone who is hurt by not feeling passionately wanted, but who also believes such feelings are not to be demanded, they should come out naturally from someone that loves us.

e) someone who is confronted regularly by the lack of desire of someone he/she loves while being confronted by the strong desire of someone outside, who looks attractive/interesting to that someone.

 

If the world was a perfect spot I would be able to talk it over with my wife, saying directly how it has affected me to the point of feeling the temptations as I didn't before but one knows how that would end: loss of the remaining happyiness and few or none chances in what matters - the need I have to feel that my wife doesn't take me for granted, that she desires me and is willing to prove it.

 

About my situation I still feel I can strongly resist the temptation of seeking the chance I have to feel wanted. God help me being strong and overcome this, but I don't see any solution to the pillar problem.

 

victim? I'm no victim, I'm just a human able to miss or hit, like any other. Many would have missed already, as many would make through unharmed, I still believe I can make the second group.

[mrmaximum]

Things may not be black and white and you're right that it's easier said than done, but something must happen before a drastic situation occurs, one where there may be no going back!! Your wife is neglecting your needs, you love her, that is admirable, what she has to understand is what she is doing to you and in turn your marriage. Even if you can withstand the temptation (and there are those that can for some 'inhuman' lengths of time) resentment will build between you and your wife and this may cause the end of your relationship anyway.

 

As it stands you are willing to 'ignore' the problem in order to accept your wife the way she is. You sound very intelligent so I figure I don't need to tell you that this a ticking time bomb. You have told her and she refuses to do anything about it. If you want to improve the chances of the longevity of your marriage, you need to get your wife's attention. I have said this countless times, but I have seen this work. Move into a buddies house to tell your wife that you aren't kidding. She NEEDS to understand that this is unacceptable and that you will no longer tolerate this from her.

 

If you do nothing, she will then be like other BS's who didn't think that anything was wrong, something is wrong and she needs to know that!! I implore you not to just sit idly by and do nothing proactive to solve this problem which needs a solution!! You aren't being heard because she thinks that you will complain, then go silent and this is just a pattern that she doesn't need to pay attention to. Sometimes you have to scream just to be heard!!

 

You may want to start your own thread to invite other people's opinions on this topic, there may be a chance that things can get mended, but you have to go after it. It's not black and white, nevertheless things must be done.

 

Good Luck and God Bless

[JadedStar]

There are as many different reasons for a couple to divorce as there are people. Doesn't matter if it is black and white or not - divorce rarely ever is. The crux of the matter here is that you DO have a choice ... you can have an affair and satisfy your needs elsewhere or you can realize that since confronting your wife and working on it is short term successful at best that maybe it is time to move on.

 

I know this is not easy. NEver intended to suggest it was. But there is never an excuse for an affair that is completely valid and I am not sure if that is what you are trying to have us believe or not.

 

Don't kid yourself trying to portray the classic cheater. There are also many different kinds of situations that might push one to cheat and I can tell you that none of them are really excusable. Some might be more forgivable in others if the person does not seem a serial cheater but none of them are excusable so no matter what you tell yourself, this is PREVENTABLE (cheating on your wife).

 

If you have followed thru necessary due diligence to discuss this with her than maybe she is giving all she is capable of giving in that regard and if this is not an acceptable way for you to live out your life then you have no choice but to leave her...that is unless you just cheat for satiation instead of doing the right thing.

 

I understand that view, but easier said than done, specially because the context is not black & white like that.

How can I do that If I'm pretty sure I love my wife deeply, even if frustrated and feeling unwanted? If I didn't love my wife or didn't feel, to some extent and even if not completely, loved I would obviously had taken actions.

 

Is contemplating an affair showing your love for your wife? That is what I was commenting on. The quote below is specifically what I am referring to:

 

So... I guess everyone sees what is going on here:

If I cheat I'm the one to blame, I'm the bastard, but no one with minimal inteligence can say it's 100% my fault, that I just decided to cheat out of a very happy marriage. Thats crap.

Oh, and I'm married for 6 years, never had the minimal (until today) urge to cheat, I've had chances I've refused with full ease but hey... guess what... I felt happy and wanted by my wife then.. she even slept at normal hours for our age group. Funny hein?

 

Doesn't matter who is to blame, the fact is you would have gone OUTSIDE of your marriage to fix something that was broken INSIDE of it. You infer you love your wife too much to leave her, then in the next breath infer that if things are not better intimately you might end up cheating on her. Cheating on her is not an expression of love I can assure you. Some people would much rather their spouse be honest and leave them vs going behind their back. Being left is hard to get over but we all heal from it, but being cheated on leaves a stain that can wreck a person's self esteem for a long time, if not from now on.

[Robinson]

well, thanks for the input guys. You haven't told me anything I didn't think about, but the fact is that the last times have shown me why things aren't easy when it comes to this. I was always tough on cheating, but hey... I was never in a situation I felt neglected or disregarded...

 

it's true that me and my wife have discussed it a few times, things even get better but.. it all comes back to the same a few weeks later. One major obstacle is my firm belief that love is proven by will and not on demand: either she wants me and shows it or... it can't be demanded. I cannot be satisfied with a woman that starts showing me more affection just because I threatened to move or something. It's a bit emotionally humilliating, in my view.

 

I have a major test this week, as I'm meeting the potential OW with a firm will to show her how wrong this is and why I simply can't do that (without making her feel the blamed one, although it's a fact she chased me, not the contrary but she's just a younger woman with nothing to loose and looking for a good time, I'm the one who has to have the morals straight).

 

My fear is exacly what you say mrmaximum: building agravation towards my wife and killing my still existing feelings for her.

 

I even considered turning this woman down and then immediately talking it with my wife, saying what happened and saying we cannot continue like this, that I turned it down because I love her and respect her but that our life style is making me look at these chances as I never did before, when I felt loved and wanted. I guess that could be a major hammer on her head, dunno if a good one but still... strong.

[JadedStar]

I even considered turning this woman down and then immediately talking it with my wife, saying what happened and saying we cannot continue like this, that I turned it down because I love her and respect her but that our life style is making me look at these chances as I never did before, when I felt loved and wanted. I guess that could be a major hammer on her head, dunno if a good one but still... strong.

 

I think maybe you should. I think this might be the jolt of reality she needs to realize if she doesn't start appreciating you then someone else will.

 

If i were in your shoes I would do just what you said above.

[Robinson]

I even considered turning this woman down and then immediately talking it with my wife, saying what happened and saying we cannot continue like this, that I turned it down because I love her and respect her but that our life style is making me look at these chances as I never did before, when I felt loved and wanted. I guess that could be a major hammer on her head, dunno if a good one but still... strong.

 

I think maybe you should. I think this might be the jolt of reality she needs to realize if she doesn't start appreciating you then someone else will.

 

If i were in your shoes I would do just what you said above.

 

funny you say that.

I just discussed it with a male friend of mine, older (40s) who said I was crazy if I though it would work, that it looked as if I didn't know how women work, that all I would get would be her not believing I was chased after and that I intentionally triggered it all over me.

 

I also have my doubts, the only similar case I know in which the husband was preemptively honest ended up in nothing positive: the wife didn't get it and all it did was spoil the relationship even more.

 

Well, I'll discuss it with a couple more friends before deciding. One side tells me that I should, that this is the right, honest, even if risky thing to do, while the other tells me I must be crazy to expect anything positive out of such "exagerated" honesty. In the end one thing is true: I can never be happy with the idea I had to confront my wife with a more or less obvious threat of loss to trigger an eventual closeness towards me. That's not natural, it's not the way to go.

 

I know couples aren't phisical and hot forever but hey... I'm 32, she's 34. If we aren't hot about eachother now how will we be in 5-10 years? I don't even wanna imagine.

[JadedStar]

You are correct in that if you are not hot for each other now that five or ten years from now will be REALLY stale.

 

Yes telling her this could present a risk, but I ask you this - is it not bothering you so badly right now that you are contemplating an affair? I can assure you telling her BEFORE an affair can start is far less risky and can actually work but if you have an affair and get caught you have likely lost your marriage.

 

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Sure there is a risk but you have to do something to wake her up. You have already had talks about it and she slips right back into complacency in no time. If she doesn't think she has anything to lose she likely won't change.

 

If i were in her shoes and my guy told me that I'd do one of two things 1) wake my ass up and get in gear or realize 2) i must not really love him and work on something else.

 

If you do it i don't suggest a lot of details, but if you were to tell her that a single female is pursuing you hot and heavy and that you are so saddened and unfulfilled in your sexlife that for a moment you contemplated it, but didn't want to go that route than this is bound to get her to action. It can make her realize that others find you desirable and could get a healthy flow of jealousy going to make her realize she could lose you if she doesn't act more like a loving wife, and it could make her realize you DO have integrity for telling her about it first.

[mrmaximum]

I agree with this 100%, that's dodging a major bullet, and shows that you really feel for her and your marriage.

 

That you shouldn't have to intimidate the one you love in order for them to met your needs. However, I agree with Jaded, times are desperate and something needs to be done!! I do remember a post about a man in a similar sitch on another forum. He basically put his foot down and told his wife (not screamed but just sat her down and told her) that they weren't meeting each other's needs and something had to be done. They listed what the other wanted and went to work, of course she slipped right back into complacency and he sat her down again, while still meeting her needs. He repeated himself and then of course she slipped again. Then he sat her down one last time and told her that he found this current situation un accepatable and that he couldn't stay in a marriage like this.

 

According to him, that woke her up and things had changed. Rob, you wife more than likely loves you but she's gotten into a rut, which most marriages are going to find themselves in at one time or another, the crime is that she isn't listenning to your repeated warnings and cries for help. She's not doing this out of spite or hatred, she just got comfortable more than likely. Once again, Jaded's right, she needs a drastic wake up call before things get ugly.

 

Good job on talking to your mates about the sitch, they do know you and your wife better than we do and may provide insight on the best course of action. Please don't give up and keep us posted on how things transpire.

 

Good Luck and God Bless

[CCNoMore]

Granted, in the case in point your friend didn't do anything with the married guy. But as for some other cases... even if the OW is single, she knows the guy is married, he can say whatever he wants: not happy, wife is bad, she's cheating...yada yada yada... whatever HE'S STILL MARRIED! what a heck is the OW doing with the guy? It's her fault also, and if so, she should also pay. If she's not interested in the married guy, if they're just friends what on earth is she doing calling him at night? when he's at home... with the wife and kids? Why is she asking his sister is he has problems at home? and ultimately, when the wife finds out about this friendship... who does she think she is insulting the wife, calling her a f***g w***re, and to stop cheating on her husband... if the OW is just a friend? What kind of friendship is this, that the OW believes she has the right to insult the wife? Oh, and yeah, of course they keep saying nothing happened, they were just friends and the sister in law? oh... she also got the wrath for being a cover-up...

It's both their fault, the married guy... and the OW... (and the sister is soooo sorry for not saying anything... too late though)

[Gracelove]

I have no clue, lack of insight I suppose.

 

The man is the one who made the commitment to her, not the "other woman". The "other woman" has no idea who in the hell she is.

 

In my past relationships, I always let my exes know, that if they cheated, it would be them who would suffer the consequences.

 

I've been cheated on before, and I could care less, about the "other woman". She wasn't apart of "our relationship", so in my mind she didn't matter.

 

People are people, you can't hold anyone who doesn't want to be held, I've always known that.

 

If they want to leave, they are free to go. Sneaking around is unnecessary. Actually it's a huge waste of time if you ask me.

I prefer they just tell the truth you know? Don't go around lying to me, just say you want out. It's that simple.

 

I kind of think that women who surpass the man and go straight for the woman they don't know, are naturally catty. That's the only thing I can think of, because it doesn't make sense.

 

Unless of course it's one of those situations where the woman is a close friend. Then that has to do with betrayal. So I can understand that, but I'd think in that case you'd go after both.

 

Better yet, why even go after them? That's too much energy.

 

I don't know, I prefer to just cut the people off. It's much easier.