Things CAN get worse...

[BornToResist]

You are so right Beec. That's such a perfect way to describe it.

 

And I WISH I could make snowmen with my nieces and nephews...but it's 70 degrees outside and sunny. Sounds nice and all but I would love to actually experience a winter. It doesn't ever actually feel like Christmas...

 

Anyways.

I feel like I'm getting the life drained out of me between stressing over my dad (who I haven't told yet) and R's drama. I called my dad and he called me back yesterday while I was at work, but I chickened out and didn't call him back yet. I will though. I think I'm going to say "hi, how are you" and when he says "fine, how are you?" I'll just say - pregnant. Quick and easy.

 

But R called me last night and told me that we HAVE to move. He then started in about how his exwife is going to try to move out of state and take their daughter over Christmas. He has to provide stability now so he's freaking out. He wants me to uproot myself and save him again.

 

((A few days ago I was telling him what I had been up too...how I'm digging myself out of debt and all that. BIG mistake. He started asking all about how much money I had, what I was going to do with it, and told me he thought it was stupid to put another obstacle in my way...I just told him that when HE needed to pay off all his bills, he did so with his tax return he was supposed to use to get us a place and we ended up living in front of someone's house in a motorhome for 3 months, so shutup. But I don't want him to know I have a savings.))

 

I told him that I was very sorry about everything that was going on and he put me on the spot, and I'm not going to tell him I'm moving. I can't tell him that because I'm not.

 

The call ended quickly with him cursing about how the world is out to get him and I felt SO guilty. I know it's just the pattern...poor R, let me jump in and save the day...but I'm going to have a kid too and I'm not about to do that, that would be so dumb.

 

I couldn't bring myself to say all the things that need to be said because I could tell he was really distraught.

 

I don't blame her though...she has family in this other state and she doesn't have any friends or anyone in this state. And WHAT exactly is R providing for their daughter? Nothing. The only time he gives her a proper place to live is when there's a chance of her being taken away. Even then...they'll go to court and she'll be forced to stay, and then everything will fall through again.

 

He's a grown man. He'll be 30 soon...he can do this by himself. And I shouldn't feel obligated or relied upon by him anymore.

 

*sigh*

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

Good for you for sticking to your guns.

 

R is unbelievable- I can't believe the gall he has to ask you to move and cough up all the rent and deposits so "he" can provide stability. You are pregnant... he is still using drugs and not saving a penny. He is 30 freakin' years old, with one kid and another on the way- does he even stop to think that maybe HE should have started working on stability a while ago?

 

This is so classic of him and it really burns me up that you felt guilty about it.

 

Hon, you HAVE to tell him- and stop putting this off. I know you are scared- but there is NEVER going to be a good time. The sooner, the better.

 

It is NOT your job to bail out a 30 year old drug addict who has treated you like crap and has no where to live. This is his OWN fault, and the more you coddle him and go along with him... the easier you make it for him to be a failure.

 

Do yourself a favor and end this- before the baby comes.

 

And... when is the next NarAnon meeting?

[Beec]

I refer you back to my prior post, he seems to be asking for things for free or real cheap again. Make him pay his part of the bargain.

 

On the other hand, it great if he thinks "He has to provide stability now so he's freaking out." Sounds like motivation to me. You can be his cheerleader, but not more, until he starts proving he can block for you.

[Beec]

Nothing wrong with laying it on the line for him.

[Dilly]

Good Grief!!! The gull! You don't have to make any announcements, he knows you're not moving. He really does.

 

I think the courts should let his ex take the little girl away and live a decent life elsewhere, but the whole family sounds stupid to me. A mom who tries to cut off growths of her child with a crude knife? YUCK. She sounds wacky, too.

[Beec]

Good Grief!!! The gull! You don't have to make any announcements, he knows you're not moving. He really does.

 

I think the courts should let his ex take the little girl away and live a decent life elsewhere, but the whole family sounds stupid to me. A mom who tries to cut off growths of her child with a crude knife? YUCK. She sounds wacky, too.

 

They both don't desrve to have the child, but that does not mean taking her away is the answer. The righ answer is for one, or hopefully both, to get their crap togehter.

[Dilly]

I actually agree with you!!! I just can't believe that R-'s situation is sufficient to maintain custody of this child. Honestly, I can't believe a social worker isn't playing tug-of-war yet. I honestly would be tempted to report this couple to Social Services because the way this child is being raised is unbelievable. Parents lose the right to see and "care for" their children when they can't care for themselves.

[BornToResist]

She tried the same thing last year, only it was to a different state.

 

I completely called it earlier this year. She does the SAME thing over and over. First she gets out of work on some disability and gets paid from the state (big bucks too) and then gets bored and goes for custody battles.

 

If he gets his crap together, they won't let her take her. First she has to prove he's completely irresponsible(which is hard to do by the courts, even if he may be) and get FULL custody. Then she has to file orders to move and a bunch of crap.

 

It's sad, this little girl doesn't want to move. I know she won't. She's so excited to be a big sister and she has her friends here and her grandparents who she's extemely close to. She loves her dad and likes seeing him all the time even if he sucks most of the time. It's sad.

 

Last year she'd cry to me and ask me why her mom is trying to take her away from everyone...All I could say was that I didn't know her mom that well and maybe she'll have an answer for her when she's older. I can't imagine taking a child away from everything she knows kicking and screaming just because you're unhappy from your owndoing.

[Dilly]

I see your point, but... I wouldn't hesitate to battle for custody if I thought my child was being raised in the world she is. I mean, I don't understand why that filthy rich grandmother doesn't step in to rip her out of her grandson's grip. I don't care what comfort a person has with their friends, etc - if it's a crazy train like the one R- is riding, she doesn't have any stability to cling to anyway. I moved when I was younger, quite a bit actually and each move brought different gifts and challenges. But the group she is around, are any of them worthy of a child's love or attention?

[BornToResist]

No, I don't think there's anything wrong with moving her *if she had somewhere to go.* She's not going to be taking her any place better. This woman is definently off her rocker and is not a good parent in my opinion.

 

If I was faced with the decision (I might be in the future) and I could move my child to a better life, then I would. But she just...I don't know. She's crazy herself and that's sad. Every year she puts her kid through hell with the custody issues and the same thing ALWAYS happens. The kid is taken away from her dad more so this lady can get whatever satisfaction she gets...then her state $$$ runs out so she has to go back to work, and she gives the kid to R more often then not so she can work and have a social life. Then she starts over again. Woe is me, I'm having medical issues, can't work, custody battles, try to move, etc. Over and over again.

 

The rich grandmother is R's mother btw.

[Dilly]

Yeah, I mean they both sound so idiotic.

 

I knew R's mother was the filthy rich one, but I still don't get how she can't just take the bull by the horns and rescue her great grandchild. Maybe she's clueless about the whole thing.

 

I had no idea R- got the girl mainly because his ex gave her back. What an exhausting cycle - she fights for something and then gives it up and then fights for it again. Dufus and Dufa.

[BornToResist]

R's mother is too self-absorbed to do anything to help, unless it was a sure fire way to direct the spotlight onto herself.

 

And that's exactly right about his ex. Same thing over and over. She plays super-mom until she realizes it's too inconvenient and quits.

 

What great parenting.

[Dilly]

That girl is so lucky she has you as a role model, that's all I have to say. You are probably five times better than each of them (grandmother included) put together.

[Dilly]

Is R- still planning on taking her for a little vacation on her birthday when your child is born or is that just a regular empty promise?

[BornToResist]

Is R- still planning on taking her for a little vacation on her birthday when your child is born or is that just a regular empty promise?

 

Ya know, I've been thinking a lot about that. He kept saying that he HAS to do it because he promised, but I honestly don't see how it's possible AT ALL.

 

However, he's not the most rational person I've ever met.

 

One would THINK...let's get a roof over my head first, food in the fridge second, pay bills third...not "oh yeah we're living in a motorhome so let's go blow a bunch of money I don't have less than a month after my OTHER kid is born, great idea." Cause BTR will take care of it, right? So you kids go off and have a great time, I'll hold down the fort and do everything you don't want to...*SIGH*

 

So in other words, I have no idea. I don't care anymore either. He can leave after the baby is born, I'm not going to be relying on him anyhow and it would probably just make me mad if he was giving me BS after I come home from the hospital. I know it's hard to have a kid, but it's only going to be harder with him around.

 

I can't even imagine being on maternity leave with him around. A year into our relationship we both quit our jobs (he walked out, I gave two weeks) and for those 2 weeks, he surfed every day and slept in, etc. Then the FIRST day I was out I tried to sleep in and he woke me up and told me I'd better find a job or we're screwed basically. So dumb...if I was taking unpaid "baby bonding" time he would make me feel so crappy about it. He'd want me to find something else to suppliment my income. ARG. Anyways my point is although the first months will be very hard, he only brings me down. So he can leave on his trip, I won't care. But to answer your question, most likely an empty promise.

 

-End of vent.

[Beec]

BTR, he won't and cannot bring you down, if you don't let him. You're not the person who let him months ago. You've changed and are changing. Don't let him.

[BornToResist]

BTR, he won't and cannot bring you down, if you don't let him. You're not the person who let him months ago. You've changed and are changing. Don't let him.

 

Thank you SO much!!!!!

 

Sometimes it feels like I'm just going in circles and not making any significant progress...but then again I feel like I've travelled the length of the earth.

 

It feels good to hear that from someone who's been there since pretty much day 1 of my posts.

[Dilly]

God, is he not the epitome of a total beach bum or what?! What is it with this new generation of men who think they can bum off women?! GRRRR. I want a man who wants to support me and make my life easier!

[BornToResist]

God, is he not the epitome of a total beach bum or what?! What is it with this new generation of men who think they can bum off women?! GRRRR. I want a man who wants to support me and make my life easier!

 

I was JUST telling my mom that yesterday.

 

There's no way a right-minded individual would expect another to move in with them, knowing it would make life harder! I would have to still be doing drugs...and I'm not. I know that's why I did it for so long, my head was all messed up.

 

Right now it would be SO much easier on me to live completely on my own than with him. He's not a partner, he's a leech.

 

But this happened to me alot...I meet a guy with a great job who is doing wonderful things and supporting himself, making great money, nice car, even sometimes going to school too...then we date for 6 months and he quits his job and is mooching off me and asking me for money. This has happened more than twice. I don't get it.

[Dilly]

My ex-husband was a bit moochy too! He let his family spend all sorts of money on him for Christmas and knew they had one big-ticket item on their list that approximated the budget for x-mas gifts to him and then, last minute, he'd tell them what he'd also like. His mother was really in debt and he always bad-mouthed her for her debts, yet made demands on her for Christmas and birthdays. I am not into paying some guy's way or having mine paid... but I'm done paying the way for men.

[Dilly]

Even my R-

 

He has $40,000 worth of land, $40,000 worth of dwelling at least, and only like $8,000 debt.

 

Yet, he is always complaining how I am so much better off and I am $30,000 in debt on credit, $40,000 in student loans, and $20,000 in a car, not to mention my house payment of $1400 a month, plus freakin' bills to keep the electricity on. GOD, how am I better off than he is. Four years ago, I had ZERO debt.

[scarew]

I was JUST telling my mom that yesterday.

 

There's no way a right-minded individual would expect another to move in with them, knowing it would make life harder! I would have to still be doing drugs...and I'm not. I know that's why I did it for so long, my head was all messed up.

 

Right now it would be SO much easier on me to live completely on my own than with him. He's not a partner, he's a leech.

 

But this happened to me alot...I meet a guy with a great job who is doing wonderful things and supporting himself, making great money, nice car, even sometimes going to school too...then we date for 6 months and he quits his job and is mooching off me and asking me for money. This has happened more than twice. I don't get it.

 

 

Your right he is a leech. I'm glad u are finally seeing him for what he is. This might have happened to you because there are so many incompetent men out there. Maybe though, if you wanted to analyze yourself a little, you are too giving. Maybe men get dependent on you because you give them too much? I know I had that problem. I gave EVERYTHING I had, heart, body, soul, money... It just made them dependant on me.

[BornToResist]

I talked to R last night. He asked about our living situation and I basically just let it all out.

 

I told him I was hesitant to start the conversation because I feel I can't talk to him and he gets mean when he doesn't get his way. Then I told him I'm happy where I'm living...it provides stability, it's stress free, and I have thing planned out basically. He got mad (as always)...He started in about how it's not "real world" and all this to live with my mother, how I'm going to end up like my brother if I don't move, how he's been "more than patient", etc. I had no choice to bring up the past, which I REALLY hate doing. But I told him how the last time we lived together he made no attempt to pay rent and basically kicked me out, and then about all the drugs. He seemed to calm down and become rational...not something I expected.

 

He agreed that he made a lot of mistakes and wishes he could take them back but he can't...then he got a little defensive about the drugs. I can KINDA understand, because I went out there to see him and he was sober...I gave him a little crap though, checked out his eyes, made him feel weird, but that's because I could tell someone in the house was using, but it obviously wasn't him (trash in the bathroom). So I give him credit for being around it and not using. I asked him why he doesn't get drug treatment if he's fighting this constant battle and he told me...he did try the drug meetings before and they didn't do anything for him, and if he went to rehab, his ex would use it against him. (I watched Dr.Phil later and this guy lost custody of his kids because he went to rehab so it's possible...) I told him that I don't want to be around it and he's the only one bringing it around, and he did bring up the point that he hasn't done that for the past 7-8 months when I made it completely clear that I don't want to see it. (It's because I'm pregnant, but this is the only time I've ever really tried to stay away from it...) After seeing his point I did tell him that I KNOW he can do it, I know he's a strong man and I've been in his corner the whole time...I'm not just the girl sitting there waiting for him to mess up. It's so frustrating for me because it IS possible and I always have believed in him, but when he does mess up, he acts like it's no big deal. Maybe that's just a coping thing, but I don't know how to act and react to this and I let him know that...

 

All in all it was a really great conversation. We were finally able to communicate. He pushed his points, which he will always do, but he finally threw in the towel and acknowledged how things were going to go.

 

He also voiced that he was frustrated because he wants to see this kid everyday...he said he screwed up in the beginning but now he's excited and wants to be there for everything...

 

He has been working his butt off though. He's been working as much as possible, doing side-jobs, etc...so I gotta give him credit there. Oh yeah and he found a place to live, he's moving in there in a couple of days. His daughter will have her own room too. But he doesn't want to stay there long-term. He extended the offer so if I want, I am encouraged to move in, but he knows I won't. He is willing to move out farther my way so I can be closer to my family if I ever want to live together again. I told him that's sweet, but stood my ground about how I'm not moving.

 

Anyways things were good. At the end of the day I felt awesome about how things went and he said the same. Shocking, since he didn't get his own way...

[scarew]

BTR,

I am SO proud of you for standing your ground. He threw in the towel, finally. I know it must hurt, and a part of you must want to reward him for his behavior. If you ever get any of these thoughts, remind yourself that the only way for him to get better is for you to continue what you're doing. You are giving him a reason to improve himself. He probably is used to people giving in, and he gets his own way in the end. Like a spoiled child. We all know what is best for you (stay away). But if you want to do what is best for him, continue with the luke-warm-shoulder. Keep your distance. Keeping YOURSELF safe will keep HIM safe in the end. ((((((HUGS!)))))) So proud of you!

[bitbit]

My ex called me last night and told me that one of his friends was helping him move and he'll be out today. He told me he wants us to go to counseling because he loves me so much it hurts.

 

you can tell he is an abusive person just by that statement. love isn't supposed to hurt. maybe adoption would be a viable choice for you. i suggest changing every single way this guy can contact you, keep in touch with family constantly so they'll know if he becomes violent, notify the police about him, maybe even place a restraining order against him. get away from him right now. don't wait or second guess your decision. be glad your brother helped you get out of there. women constantly want to fix men, fix the relationship, make it work. it's in our nature. but don't give in to this. no one deserves to be treated this way. get away and stay away no matter what. he's not going to change, even with counseling. and why would u want to try and work on a relationship in counseling that isn't good to begin with?