Moving out but not breaking up, having a tough time coping.

[losingmymind]

My girlfriend of more than 3 years says she needs "space" and we have agreed to get separate apartments after living together for more than a year in a new town that we moved to together. Beasides the fact that she feels "trapped" there are some other issues at play besides us not having many frineds in our new town. For most of our relationship, I had gone back to grad school and did not have any money. I have some now, but not a ton (though I do have a full time job and a masters degree, so its not as if I am a bum). She also wants to see me become financially independent of her. We have also agreed to attend realtionship couseling.

 

our realtionship has been uncomfortable for months but this move seems a little drastic to me. We are both 30, so its time to really figure out whats next, but this move is scaring the crap out of me. I'm in setrious depression and don;t know how to handle this.

 

Has anyone seen a similar situation?>

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

I'm sorry that you are in this tough situation.

 

I get concerned when I see couples who have been living together and are not "breaking up", but one asks the other to move out. IMHO, asking your partner to leave the home that you have shared, but not to break up, is not a lateral move to improve the relationship, but a step towards breaking up that makes it easier for your girl to pull the plug when she's ready to "go all the way" with the breakup.

 

I'm sorry friend, I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you two have issues and she isn't willing to go to couples' counseling with you not having to move out first.... it doesn't look good.

 

Have you asked her if this can be worked on while you are still living at home? Was this a sudden decision on her part? Or has this been a complaint she's had before?

 

Was she supporting you before?

[Momene]

I remember your original post and I think that this is a serious step backwards. I almost wonder if a clean break may be better for you, as it seems like she wants the relationship to enter some sort of limbo phase.

 

All I can add is that she may see it as an opportunity to "play the field" while keeping you in the background. I'd love to be wrong on this but I remember a similar situation with my ex wife and my suspicions proved to be right. I remember telling her that we were together or not together but I wasn't prepared to accept being in the middle.

[Iceman26]

I remember your original post and I think that this is a serious step backwards. I almost wonder if a clean break may be better for you, as it seems like she wants the relationship to enter some sort of limbo phase.

 

All I can add is that she may see it as an opportunity to "play the field" while keeping you in the background. I'd love to be wrong on this but I remember a similar situation with my ex wife and my suspicions proved to be right. I remember telling her that we were together or not together but I wasn't prepared to accept being in the middle.

 

I agree. In my experience, anytime I have heard the words "I need some space" means dating other people.

[Scout]

IMHO, asking your partner to leave the home that you have shared, but not to break up, is not a lateral move to improve the relationship, but a step towards breaking up that makes it easier for your girl to pull the plug when she's ready to "go all the way" with the breakup.

 

I really hate to say this, but this is likely what's happening here. I've seen this over and over on eNotalone and in "real life" too. I think you might want to start preparing yourself for the worse, and, that's going to include confronting your girlfriend about this. The fact is, when people really want to save/improve a relationship, they don't distance themselves, which she is literally doing with this move.

[RayKay]

Errr, I think as I said before in your other thread, it really does not sound good. To me, it sounds like an "easier" way for her to just end things as once you are moved out she can then just go to next step and say she is not sure she wants to get back together at all, etcetera. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't know, it would not seem to me a good thing.

 

I think she wants though to keep you hopeful "in case"...but do you really want to be used as someone's backup plan?

 

I really think it is a major step backwards honestly. I cannot imagine even when going through difficulties telling my partner he needed to move out so we could work on it...???? Not only to me would that be a serious show towards a lack of commitment in working together, but also truly be a blow to our stability as a couple. It's OUR home, and we build it together, and our relationship together. I cannot imagine telling him to move out so we could just get "distance" and then work on things. Seems counterproductive to me.

 

I don't know hon, but I think you maybe should be careful about letting her have her cake and eat it too. See how counselling goes, but set a time frame for yourself to see where things are going...don't get dragged through the mud.

 

I would also recommend some PERSONAL therapy/counselling for yourself too, to make sure you are working on yourself and not being dragged through the emotional wringer.

[losingmymind]

I hate to hear all this. But I appreciate the replies. The only thing that gives me hope is that she seems to be very positive about this and seems to truly believe that a little space is all she needs and we will be fine.

[Scout]

I hate to hear all this. But I appreciate the replies. The only thing that gives me hope is that she seems to be very positive about this and seems to truly believe that a little space is all she needs and we will be fine.

 

Well, you know the old cliche...actions speak louder than words. She's giving you a lot of positive words...while she's taking decisive action to move away from you.

 

It's normal that you're feeling hope, it's a self-protective measure that keeps the pain at bay.

 

The reality is, "a little space" is a few days away on a vacation. Or, a night out with her friends.

 

This is not a little space. It's a move that completely changes the dynamics of your relationship, and one that I honestly believe is made to move towards a permanent break up.

[Momene]

I hate to hear all this. But I appreciate the replies. The only thing that gives me hope is that she seems to be very positive about this and seems to truly believe that a little space is all she needs and we will be fine.

 

 

So does "fine" mean that at some stage she will decide that everything is "OK" and back to normal and you start living together again? Then what? She moves back in and she needs "space" again.

[Hope75]

Well, you know the old cliche...actions speak louder than words. She's giving you a lot of positive words...while she's taking decisive action to move away from you.

 

It's normal that you're feeling hope, it's a self-protective measure that keeps the pain at bay.

 

The reality is, "a little space" is a few days away on a vacation. Or, a night out with her friends.

 

This is not a little space. It's a move that completely changes the dynamics of your relationship, and one that I honestly believe is made to move towards a permanent break up.

 

I have to agree with Scout on this one I'm afraid. I truly wish the best for you and I hope that we are all wrong, but I don't think a girl who wanted to improve your relationship would be pushing you out of your home with her in an attempt to get closer.

 

Do you?