Ok I need some advice and help..

[Police2]

Ok thanks for looking in. Ive been with my girlfriend for 9 months. She wants to get married to me and if I dont marry her she will propose to me soon. Now there is my problem. im told im being selfish in what I think but I dont know you guys decide. Basically Im not ready for marriage. I dont own a home or apartment. Im living with a roommate. Im barely scraping by with the money i am making. I cant afford to take care of someone right now. Well I feel like im tied to the hip with her. It can be a good thing, but can be bad at times. I have given up time with my friends, my hobbies, and things I like to do to be with her. Ive kinda been freaked out that I havent made times with those things. I am now starting to get in the flow of that again. I have been hanging out with my friends lately and its resulting in us getting in fights. She gets upset that I hang out with them. Well in my own opinion I dont think its right for her to get upset because I do not do that to her. I stay at her house alot to the point where its 2 am when I am leaving. Ive been leaving earlier than that and she gets upset, I live far away from her and I have work the next morning. I work as a police officer, She also hates my profession so there is fights resulting due to that. I keep to my self alot because she makes comments about police, And just makes me feel dumb about it. I hear things like " oh look at them they are just harassing them, Did you hear about that cop who shot that guy? Is that your little cop buddies? " stupid things like that, that bother me. She then gets upset because I dont tell her anything about police work. So Im in a no win situation. Well she wants me to marry her. I believe its too early for that. I feel as if this whole relationship is about her. Its what she wants to watch on TV, What she wants to do, and go....( quick side note ) I cant watch cops in front of her because she gets angry....tell me if that makes sense? So anyways what do I say or do to let her know Im not ready. We still have to compromise on alot of things. Im still stressed about my job ( in field training) I love my job but I need to get off probation. I dont have time for marriage right now. Any advice because she wants to propose to me soon and I dont wanna hurt her feelings!

[DN]

Are you sure you want to be in any sort of relationship with her? The one you have at the moment seems very unhealthy. One thing for sure is this: if in doubt about getting married - don't.

[Police2]

Yes I do want to be with her. I just want some things to change. She acknowledges that she can be mean to me. But im sacrificing way too much. I love spending time with her but at the same time Im not going to be friend my friends. I just want to go day by day right now. I dont see a rush to get married. I will get married eventually I just do not want to right now. Ill be honest there are times where I really get fed up with stuff and just leave. I then get pity text messages, apologies, And I fall for them.

 

 

One reason I think she wants to get married so bad is for that security im not leaving her. Her last long term relationship she was cheated on. So I dont know if that has to do with anyone. I did catch a little wind on how she would bother him about his military stuff ( he was a marine ) And Im just thinking she hates uniforms and doesnt respect peoples passions. Kinda bothers me that she harassed him about that and me about cops. ( I still hate her ex though! :splat: ) But right now I just wanna have fun! ( in a non cheating way )

[zippitt]

I have been in the same boat, just got out of that relationship too and it was the best thing I have done in a while.

 

If you're not ready there is nothing you can do about it. What is with the cop issues she is having, you need to get the to the bottom of that. Don't change that for her, she should be supportive, if not get out because it won't change.

 

As far as going out with your friends, that should not be an issue either providing it's not too often I would assume you spend more time with her than anyone else. Couples need to maintain their individuality as well as their group identity. In order for this to happen you must be able to do your own things from time to time, It almost sounds like she is codependent. Does she go out with her own friends or have her own hobbies?

 

In any case if she isn't giving you the space you need to clarify how important it is for you.

[Police2]

Trust me . Me being a police officer will never change. I promise that. I have dedicated my life to doing this profession. I am proud of it. I have studied it, Volunteered for it. ETC. Im not giving that up.

 

Most peoples perception of cops is bad. She has a bad mental picture of it. She believes they harass, beat up, bother , and annoy people ( granted there are bad cops but a small percentage) She panics when there is one around. At my graduation she said she did not want to be there.

She has nothing to worry about she is a regular jane citizen... I dont get it. She just hates them. She tries and act like they dont bother her But i can see through her on that. When she said she didnt want to be at my graduation I just felt like crap. I saw her at my graduation she was just looking down. She was very distant to me that day.

 

I thought being in a relationship if you love someone you would be proud of them . She says she is but I dont feel it. I feel im doing this alone. Ive had no ones help, I talk to my friends about that job or keep it to my self.

[Iceman26]

Man, it sucks people think badly about cops. I almost became one. I really like the "Cops" tv show too. Especially the Las Vegas episodes.

 

In regards to your girlfriend, don't let her pressure you into anything you aren't ready for.

 

One thing I will say is that people don't change. The only person you can change is you. You need to sit down and have a talk with her and let her know what is bothering you, and why you aren't ready for marriage isn't happening right now at this junction of your life.

[Police2]

I live in Vegas. LoL.

 

SO how do I stop her from proposing without making her feel bad

[Iceman26]

Be honest with her. Tell her why you don't want to get married.

 

1) You don't have the finances together yet to have a wedding.

 

2) You have some issues in your relationship to work out before taking that next step.

[Police2]

I do tell her that. She still asks me every day if Ill marry her.

[Iceman26]

What is her rebuttal to what you are telling her? I mean what you are telling her should spell it out for her.

[Police2]

She just says well then if your not going to propose to me I will. When we fight about things no one wins, or gains anything out of it. She goes to the way she is and I do my things... SO there is no wins in it.Im just not ready for marriage! it sounds like lockdown right now

[Iceman26]

It really sounds like your back is against the wall right now. I understand that you care about her, but if she isn't listening to reason and addressing your concerns about your relationship, along with everything else, than she isn't the one for you.

 

I know that may be hard to hear, but look at the facts.

[Police2]

ALot of people say that. just a tough decision

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds to me like she has control issues. Be very careful about this one. She is emotionally abusive. Typical behaviour of emotional abuse is devaluing the person's interests, job, friends etc, every situation being all about them and there needs and wants, being antagonistic so that it drives the partner away and then they cry and beg for the partner to come back. The list goes on. The longer you stay, the worse it will get. You are absolutely right about steering clear of marriage with her.

[Iceman26]

ALot of people say that. just a tough decision

 

It seems like that right now, but from everything you've been saying, take a step back and look at your situation.

 

Say it was me that was posting this. What would you say to me?

[Police2]

yea true. But theres that side that cares about her alot

[heloladies21]

Well this is going to be really hard to work out of because you didn't do the ground work (setting boundries, calling her out on unacceptable behavior) early in the relationship, so now you're going to have to lay it down on her.

 

No more letting her rip on your profession. It's all in the way you do it too. Voice tone, inflection, body language, all of this has to convey that either she cuts it out or you walk. It's going to be a sudden change, but there's no other way to do it. Because in reality, if she's going to be this way, then you really don't want her anyways.

 

As for the unwanted marriage, I'd tell her straight out "If this is the way things are going to be, I'm not getting married to you." She's going to have to make a change, but it's your job to get her to see the reason and urgency.

[Police2]

Good point. I will do that. I will not let her rip on it and if she has something to say she can keep it to her self. Im just to the point where I dont care. I still care for her but dont care at what upsets her.

[Hope75]

You mentioned something in the beginning about it 'just being about her' alot of the time and I am seeing that more and more in your posts. You have given her good reasons why you are not ready to get engaged (and 9 months isn't that long anyway), and she is just disregarding your feelings and telling you that she's going to ask you anyway. She's not taking your feelings about this into consideration at all.

 

The fact that she trashes a profession that is very important to you bothers me as well. I will be graduating as a nurse in December and to me nursing is like policework is to you- it's something I'm very excited about, have worked very hard at, and am thrilled to be doing. I definitely need my bf's support on this- and if he were knocking nurses every chance he got....well, that would get old real fast. Something that important, you really need your partner's support on. She doesn't have to LOVE it, but she can at least keep her mouth shut instead of the childish, snide comments and digs at you. That seem just petty to me.

 

I don't know, friend, I just get the feeling from your posts that she cares aot more about herself and what she wants than about you and the compromise that a healthy and respectful relationship is made of.

[Police2]

Doesnt help that she is like a feminist type person and thinks male are all stereotypical too.

[Hope75]

I'm getting the feeling that she doesn't have alot of respect for you either... would that be far off?

[Police2]

I dunno. I just always have to watch what I say. It may offend her. Shes real touchy. I dont quit things. Im willing to work it out with her just dont know how

[Hope75]

It doesn't seem that you are the problem here though.

 

You as one part of a couple can only do so much to 'work on it'.... and it doesn't seem as though you are the root of the cause at all. She on the other hand, seems selfish, somewhat petty, and now you have to watch what you say around her. These problems have more to do with her and less to do with you.

 

For a relationship to work out, BOTH parties have to be willing to address it's problems (and that includes accepting responsibility for their part in that) and work together towards a solution that workable for both.

 

Since you are doing your part, and she's not doing hers, there is little more that you yourself can do to improve the relationship, besides giving up what's important to you, marrying her when you aren't ready, and not ever being able to say what you feel without fear of upsetting her.

 

That doesn't sound very healthy or respectful to me.

 

What do you think?

[Police2]

I agree. I have faults too. She also acknowledges these things but says she cant help it

[Hope75]

I agree. I have faults too. She also acknowledges these things but says she cant help it

It's not that she can't help it. She's unwilling to change it. We can certainly compromise and learn to refrain from snide comments and think of our partner's wants and feelings as much as our own. She is not doing that because she's choosing not to, not because she "can't".

 

Of course you have faults, we all do. BUT... within reason you work on that to be a good partner for her, no?

 

Where is that on her side?

 

You seem to be spending alot of energy defending someone who shows little regard for you.

 

Why?

 

Do you not think that you deserve someone who treats you with love and respect, and support? You're surely not getting that from her.