Im new and need someone to listen to me

[upsetinCo]

Hi my name is Ashley

I'm currently 8 months pregnant, and thought I was going to be engaged to the man of my dreams. 3 days before our big weekend getaway, (I knew he was going to pop the question, he told me) anyway. I was cleaning out room and opened the bottom drawer of his nightstand to put some stuff away and saw a piece of paper, with a login name, password, and web address on it. Normally I would not do anything, but the username, was very sexually explicit. Concerned.... I went to our computer and logged in and pulled the website, to my surprise it was a website for swingers (and personal adds of people looking for sex partners. I logged in as him and pulled up his profile and stuff, and what I read hurt me so badly I don't know if I could ever look at him the same. I approached him about this and he tried to tell me it was a long time ago, but I said so someone is magically logging in as you.. Cause your last login date was 2 weeks ago. He was caught. That did not matter to him he just kept lying. Well He promised never to visit the site again. Not trusting him anymore I put a system snooped type program on the computer and it has been clean for a while. Until last night I ran it and he had visited the site again, looked at profile of women who had "winked"" at him, and updated his profile, this time his profile, he took out the really sexually explicit part and the part about him being attached. Now. I'm a forgiving person and willing to give him a chance. I understand it is hard to go from being a single guy, to having a girlfriend, then oops she pregnant then to engagement I don't know if this is some weird thing he needs to do, to cope with the fact that he is settling down, or what. But I made him cry supposedly today. I sent him a text message and told him that no one in my life has ever made me feel as crappy, ugly, unwanted and just plain used in my entire life. I told him that since I'm so forgiving that he has 4 strikes. Right now he has 2. After 3 strikes, I take the Internet away, after 4 I leave, no questions. If I find out that he has slept with someone else, it is over that counts as 2 strikes and I'm gone. SO that is my story. Not sure really what to do about it. Just stick to my guns

[lilgothicdevil5533]

i say stick to your guns

[tylercdurden2004]

I would seriously reconsider marrying this less than desirable person. You ned to set clear boundaries here and walking may be the only way to do it. He has proven he is willing to lie and sneak around, he certainly didnt fess up right away did he? stop making excuses for him having to get this "out of his system."

[Majoraslayer]

I don't know if I would just "walk away" from such a situation. Normally, yes, this would be the best action to take. He's not yet done anything that you know of yet, and the two of you have a child on the way. I think you're taking the best course of action and trying to work it out with him, but if he continues to take this attitude then you should definitely consider leaving him. He may just be making a mistake; the internet can be a bit ambiguous on etiquette at times. If he knows you're hurt by this and continues doing it, then by all means you have proper justification to leave him.

 

I fully support your strategy; just stick to your guns.

[Hope75]

Hi There Ashley,

 

Welcome to enotalone!

 

Wow. That is certainly a tough situation.

 

You are being very forgiving... I'm just curious why you are giving him 2 more chances to hurt you. That's like saying, go ahead and seek out other people, but only a couple more times. You are letting him get away with it because he's already done it twice, and there have been no conseqeunces. What incentive is that for him to stop? For him, that is just incentive to be more sneaky about it next time.

 

When you question him about this account- what has he told you, other than lying that it was him?

 

You may be onto something about him being scared to settle down and be a father and a partner to you, but that does not give him an excuse to cheat on you and to look for other sexual partners. Honey, these are issues that should be addressed and discussed at home between the two of you, and also in therapy if it is the reason for him seeking out other partners.

 

You are expecting a child with this man within the next month or so. The last thing you need to be worrying about as you prepare for childbirth and having your life turned upside down by a newborn is whether or not you can count on your boyfriend.

 

Would he be willing to attend counseling with you?

[Dako]

I would seriously reconsider marrying this less than desirable person. You ned to set clear boundaries here and walking may be the only way to do it. He has proven he is willing to lie and sneak around, he certainly didnt fess up right away did he? stop making excuses for him having to get this "out of his system."

 

I completely agree.

You can't turn him into a decent guy by ultimata.

He has to be a decent guy already.

[upsetinCo]

Im not sure If he would be willing to attend counceling. I would hope so. The thing that I guess you could say is good for me, and bad for him. He does not know crap about computers, and I went to college for comptuers, I know my way around and I even told him after the first time that im watching and it was very obvious, that he did not try to cover his tracks at all. If he does anything I will know about it. I guess im giving so many chances cause I really want this to work, this is the first realationship like this I have ever had, I felt good and commited and happy tilll all of this popped up. It felt good to feel secure, but now everything is all a blur. It feels good to talk to someone about this I really appreciate it.

[SaraJane]

Focus on your health and your baby right now. That's the most important thing in your life at the moment.

 

If I were in your shoes I would feel hurt, and be very troubled by his online behavior... however, I also feel that if I were in his shoes I would be VERY troubled by the snooping.

 

You do not have to marry this man for him to be your partner and/or your child's father... remember this. Do not marry him because of the child, or because it's the right thing to do. Take time, plenty of it, to make sure that you two will be able to stay together and work through these issues.

 

 

I've been involved with men who have done similar things, and while it may not have always been innocent, there are times when men just love the thrill of the chase, and the ability to know that they 'can' have someone else if they chose to... and may never act upon that.

 

In some cases it may be because they are fearful of settling down, and want to remind themselves that its a choice, not something they have to do... how far they take it is the big concern.

 

Dont give in to the promises tears and the apologies... let him prove himself over time and make your decision when you feel that you can trust him and be happy with the way that he's changed (if he does)

[Beyondthesea]

Ashley love, he isn't going to stop doing this. He already told you he wouldn't and was back on the site again! If he really loved you, he wouldn't have done this in the first place, and he certainly wouldn't have gone on there again after you asked him not to.

 

I really would say don't marry him. This isn't going to make him stop, he certainly has no loyalty to you at the moment.

 

I realize you are pregnant and scared, but is there no one else for you to turn to? What about family and friends? Would they not help you out with the baby a while?

 

I really advise not to marry him. We women always have this 'happily ever after' going around in our heads, thinking that they will change once the wedding vows are given. Not the case.

 

Seriously rethink this. He's on a swingers website, who is to say he hasn't already slept with someone? I don't want you to be upset, but really think this through. Don't trap yourself with him.

[upsetinCo]

I know that, that is how I should feel and that is what I should do, but I just feel like I need to give this a good shot. I don't think he has done anything yet. We are not going to get married for at least another year, year and half. If he is going to do this again, he wil most likely do it again in the next couple weeks or so. THat will be a good judge

[Beyondthesea]

I don't think he would be stupid enough to do it for the next while, hopefully.

 

I too would bring up counseling, there are obviously issues floating around that need to be resolved.

[RayKay]

I understand it is hard to go from being a single guy, to having a girlfriend, then oops she pregnant then to engagement I don't know if this is some weird thing he needs to do, to cope with the fact that he is settling down, or what.

 

Do you really believe that?

 

Was it hard for YOU to stop soliciting other people when you went from single to attached?

 

Be careful about making excuses for his bad behaviour honey. Sure, he may be stressed about the added responsibilities coming up, but that does NOT excuse these actions.

 

I too am curious why you would give him "2 more chances". No one needs "2 more chances" to hurt you.....1 is generous, 2 is I hate to say, naive. Heck, someone whom loves you should not be hurting you in this way in the first place! And honey, once those two chances are up, can you really say you would not make "new ones" because after all, you would then have a baby/be engaged/married, whatever?

 

He has lied to you, gone behind your back after promising to clean up his act, and lied again. He has shown you his true colours. He has told you he does not want to change. He has SHOWN he does not want to change.

 

I think you need to get into counselling BEFORE you get married, and sort these issues out now, and set some very definite boundaries. And he needs to truly SHOW he is committed to change and to being committed to YOU. Because right now, he sure isn't.

 

There is a difference between being a forgiving person to someone whom earns it, and becoming a doormat to someone whom uses and abuses that forgiving nature.

[lilgothicdevil5533]

I know that, that is how I should feel and that is what I should do, but I just feel like I need to give this a good shot. I don't think he has done anything yet. We are not going to get married for at least another year, year and half. If he is going to do this again, he wil most likely do it again in the next couple weeks or so. THat will be a good judge

 

 

well if he doesnt want to get caught again he'll do it again in a couple months...not weeks...he wants to gain your trust back so he can sneak around again..trust me...i've been there

[xprincessbugx]

Don't let him hurt you again. You have a baby and yourself to worry about right now and I think that if you left he'd get the hint. He doesn't want to lose you or his baby. I'd keep checking the website though but I think you've already given him enough chances to redeem himself and he hasn't done it yet.

[Hope75]

I know that, that is how I should feel and that is what I should do, but I just feel like I need to give this a good shot. I don't think he has done anything yet. We are not going to get married for at least another year, year and half. If he is going to do this again, he wil most likely do it again in the next couple weeks or so. THat will be a good judge

 

Hey There,

 

The thing is, YOU ARE giving it a good shot. You are being faithful and loyal to him, and have given him 1 more chance than I would have already. YOU can only do so much.

 

HE is the one who has to show you that he loves and respects you, is honest with you, and wants to be with ONLY you, and so far he hasn't done that. In fact, TWICE he's gone on this site to search for other sexual partners. ONCE MORE after you "caught" him the first time. You finding out and being hurt by it still wasn't enough to make him realize what he was doing and stop.

 

He's not thinking about you here... he's thinking about himself... and you are thinking about him... so meanwhile..... who's thinking about YOU??

[Hope75]

 

He has lied to you, gone behind your back after promising to clean up his act, and lied again. He has shown you his true colours. He has told you he does not want to change. He has SHOWN he does not want to change.

 

I think you need to get into counselling BEFORE you get married, and sort these issues out now, and set some very definite boundaries. And he needs to truly SHOW he is committed to change and to being committed to YOU. Because right now, he sure isn't.

 

There is a difference between being a forgiving person to someone whom earns it, and becoming a doormat to someone whom uses and abuses that forgiving nature.

 

I totally second this, RayKay. Could not have said it better myself.