rimshot22 Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 So I've made arrangements to return the very last of her things from my house to one of her friends, I've maintained NC for a month and a half, I'm keeping as busy as possible, I realize that I want better for myself and any relationship that I have, I have much support from my friends, and I'm moderately interested in someone else.....so then why do I still want her? I know that the cliche is that there is someone better out there for me; with all the qualities I loved about her and without the traits that I didn't. I hope that is so, but I find myself missing her terribly some mornings (this morning). Her birthday is next week. I don't know if I should write a short email. If I don't , I know that she'll "realize" I never want to speak with her again. I'm not sure what effect sending an email will have. I am trying my very hardest to move on, but a very, very big part of me wants to reestablish contact and reconcile. I do realize that after 3+ years a little over a month is not time to get your life in order (hers) even though it has seemed like an eternity. I do not want to start a relationship again with her at this time. I know she needs much more time to sort her head out and I definitely am not able to be in that forgiving, trusting mood with her. Of that, I am sure. How much would a short email message hurt? I'm sure she would respond, but I don't want to start a conversation. Maybe a card through snail mail? Trying to stay strong, thanks so much for the support. Link to comment
Scout Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Based on the fact you two just fairly recently ended a long-term relationship, I think it would be a kind gesture on your part to acknowledge her birthday. Not sure if a card is how I would go about it. I would probably just send a very brief email wishing her happy birthday, hope all is well, etc. Link to comment
PRSOV Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Hey there rimshot, I am sorry to hear about your situation, but it sounds as though you have a good handle on the situation. If you want to e-mail your ex to wish her a happy birthday. It can be short, sweet and to the point. You don't owe her anything so don't feel as though you have to. Make sure you keep to the point though and if she responds don't move onto any other subject. NC is for you... Sounds like you are making great progress. Good luck and keep us posted. PR Link to comment
Fisch Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Rimshot my friend, I am so sorry for your pain. You need to be strong. All of that pain and sadness will forge you to be wiser, more understanding, stronger. Happily there is no way to avoid that. One month.5 is still early, and you need to hold firm. You want to contact her because you think she will give something back, but she will not. Even if she did it would only be more painful, however if you think that is worth it make it short. You have been hurt, and for that you deserve the support and attention of those around you as if you had just had a heart attack. You have little control over the best medicine: time, so let it do its work. No contact is a time to let that person come back to you or not for good reasons (not guilt or loneliness) and at the same time make it less painful for you. The pain of wanting to call is not as bad as the searing hot burn of a voice that you need to forget. I am going through the same pains, but we need to keep strong and not be pitied. You can do it. Things can only get better this way so really ask yourself if it will make you feel better or not because that is what is important. Good luck P.S. I am only on day 2 Link to comment
Hope75 Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 My only concern is that you are still feeling raw and sore about this, have maintained NC for a month, which is really good, and now you are going to break it ? Do you really want to open that can of worms? Link to comment
r3drobin Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 i'm having the same birthday issues. mine will be friday and i'm about 99.9% sure he'll at the very least email me... then his is 10 days later. i'm terrified. part of me wishes we will exchange birthday greetings and part of me thinks its best if we dont...but i will be hurt if we dont. obviously i'm not the one to ask! Link to comment
crvers Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Birthday wishes seem to be a constant question as of late on ena. I myself have been toiling with the same issue. Because you've been NC for over a month and a half I understand the confusion as to whether you should send something or not. My advice would be, if you want to send one then send one. Make it short, just a quick happy birthday. Don't get into asking how she is and close the email in a way to let her know your okay and thats all. By leaving no questions in it, it doesn't give her a reason to ask any back. Understand though that you may get a response, but you also may not. As long as you can handle this, then do it...but do it for yourself and not for any other reason. Read my post 144836[/url] since there are many replies who give good advice based on your mindstate. It might also help you make an educated and rational decision as to what you want to do. Link to comment
pacopaco Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 why not? i emailed my ex-gril on her birthday. just everyone is telling: keep it short and to the point. it doesn't even have to be sweet. just an acknowledegment. Link to comment
super ian Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 hahahah something along the lines as: "yo bud, happy birthday have a good time. peace, your ex" hahah "bud". Link to comment
HeartAche Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 My advice would be, if you want to send one then send one. Make it short, just a quick happy birthday. Don't get into asking how she is and close the email in a way to let her know your okay and thats all. By leaving no questions in it, it doesn't give her a reason to ask any back. Understand though that you may get a response, but you also may not. As long as you can handle this, then do it...but do it for yourself and not for any other reason. Excellent advice and my thoughts exactly. I'm faced with a similar dilema, just split up last Friday after a week and one day of being "on a break". Her birthdays in a couple of weeks. We haven't had a strict NC rule. She seems to email or text me whenever she feels like it and I'm too polite to ignore her. If you do decide to send her some birthday wishes, as Crvers suggested, DON'T ask her any questions. If you do then you'll be sitting there expecting a reply that may never come. Just keep it short and friendly, something like "All the best on your xx birthday, hope you have a fantastic day. Love always, {Rimshot} xxx" Not sure about the "Love" and the "xxx", it all depends on how you still feel about her. Link to comment
rimshot22 Posted July 26, 2006 Author Share Posted July 26, 2006 Thanks for all the sound advice everyone. The reason I want to email her is to acknowledge her day. I personally feel it's pretty shallow after being that close to someone to not at least recognize it. I know I would be hurt if she didn't on my bday so I'm going to be the bigger person, keep it simple, and be fine with or without a response. I'm not interested in having a conversation with her. I do still care, and want to show it, but in a way that shows I'm not looking for anything. I know that she can't offer me what I need. Why are mornings so tough? Anyone else have this problem? I would think that it would be the other way around (difficult nights) but I have no trouble falling asleep-just a terrible time in the mornings. Link to comment
Roxari Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Biggest problem with breaking NC to say something is that when they don't respond you can find yourself going through the motions of the beginning of NC. Checking your e-mail and feeling rejected when they don't respond. Be prepared to be disappointed and hurt if she doesn't even say thank you. Link to comment
Scout Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Thanks for all the sound advice everyone. The reason I want to email her is to acknowledge her day. I personally feel it's pretty shallow after being that close to someone to not at least recognize it. I know I would be hurt if she didn't on my bday so I'm going to be the bigger person, keep it simple, and be fine with or without a response. I'm not interested in having a conversation with her. I do still care, and want to show it, but in a way that shows I'm not looking for anything. I know that she can't offer me what I need. Why are mornings so tough? Anyone else have this problem? I would think that it would be the other way around (difficult nights) but I have no trouble falling asleep-just a terrible time in the mornings. rimshot, whether it's "right" or "wrong" to break NC and send a birthday wish, I can't say. All I know is if I was in your place, given the length of the relationship, the circumstances of the break up, and how relatively brief it's been since the break up, I'd feel the same way you do about this. I can relate. I know what you mean about mornings, I've woken up and cried in the morning after a break up. But I would honestly prefer the mornings than having a sleepless night, because then you'd seriously be struggling through the day. And eventually, continued lack of sleep can just really mess with you, and make you feel so much worse both physically and mentally. It's good your body is kicking in here and giving you much needed rest. Link to comment
crvers Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 I know what you mean about mornings, I've woken up and cried in the morning after a break up. But I would honestly prefer the mornings than having a sleepless night, because then you'd seriously be struggling through the day. And eventually, continued lack of sleep can just really mess with you, and make you feel so much worse both physically and mentally. It's good your body is kicking in here and giving you much needed rest. Yeah, after my breakup I was finding myself falling asleep at midnight and waking up at 530am. The moment I woke the first time, the brain would kick on and the conversations that had ended before falling asleep would begin again in my head. But comparatively, mornings I found were easier since (and this is based on something I read) people can concentrate better and make better decisions between 7am and 11am. It also beats the evening because when your sitting by yourself, and "feel" alone...its bottomline worse. Just my 2 cents. But follow your heart on the birthday card. Your the only person who can make the final decision on this one. You already no its not in the cards to be in a relationship with her, so doing so out of friendship I think would be acceptable. Link to comment
Todd Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 I personally would not send her any acknowledgement on her birthday. NC is for your benefit but it also sends her a message. I know it seems rude, but man, you're still licking your wounds here. You're on the road to recovery so don't pick at your scabs. Link to comment
Scout Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 I personally would not send her any acknowledgement on her birthday. NC is for your benefit but it also sends her a message. I know it seems rude, but man, you're still licking your wounds here. You're on the road to recovery so don't pick at your scabs. Hi, Todd...I've read about your own situation, and that's really tough. And believe me, if you were struggling with this issue, I might advise you don't send a birthday wish, just based on your own set of circumstances. But rimshot's break up is based on a way different scenario. You sure you aren't advising based on your own feelings about your ex at this point? Not to take from your opinion at all on this matter, and I hope I'm not overstepping myself by asking this. I'm not saying my take is right or wrong, either. Who really knows the answer to all these things, or if an answer even matters... Link to comment
crvers Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Who really knows the answer to all these things, or if an answer even matters... ........in the end we're not the ones who make the choice, you are. All we can do is advise based on the information at hand and our own personal experience. Their is no right and wrong answer, just considerations from everyone who can effectively give someone the right direction they're needing. Link to comment
HeartAche Posted July 27, 2006 Share Posted July 27, 2006 Why are mornings so tough? Anyone else have this problem? I would think that it would be the other way around (difficult nights) but I have no trouble falling asleep-just a terrible time in the mornings. Yes I've got the same problem. I seem to be sleeping really easily but then I wake up and realise I can't rollover and hug her and then I start wondering if she's in bed snuggling up to someone else and I just feel sick. Link to comment
Psyche06 Posted July 27, 2006 Share Posted July 27, 2006 I hate those dawn sudden wakings...usually after dreaming about my ex...and then it all floods back, that he is gone, and I shake and sweat and reach for something to distract me before I start replaying every damn word and action in my mind....it's tough. My imagination and mind are my worst enemy, I can torture myself for hours with all this....trying so hard to stop it now...because I know I won't recover unless I truly let go. Link to comment
r3drobin Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 well my bday was friday... the day before i got an ecard from him reading, "Happy 35th, beautiful woman! I hear that youre doing great - youre awesome! have a safe and happy birthday! much love, anthony" yea you could say i was disappointed. much love??? youre awesome??? UUGGHHH!!! now i'm faced with his birthday in 6 days. and as stupid as this is...i want to send a warm personal card to his house...a real card. and not even to seem the bigger better person...but becuz i love him. i still love him with all my heart. and i still miss him...and i still hurt. i'm not awesome. im weak and i hurt. and i'm lonely. Link to comment
r3drobin Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 u know what... i take that back. i am not going to send him anything for his birthday...nothing. not even a lame ecard. no. i just made the BIG mistake of looking at his stupid myspace page. his number one friend is her... again. that poor girl. i know she has no idea the time he spent with me when they dated before. or else she has no self respect to stay with a man who cheated on her, dumped her for me, and then got her back?!!?! they deserve each other and he doesnt deserve me or a birthday greeting from me!!! UUUGGGHHHH!!!! ](*,) Link to comment
saltwatergirl Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 i know she has no idea the time he spent with me when they dated before. or else she has no self respect to stay with a man who cheated on her, dumped her for me, and then got her back?!!?! He cheated on her with you? You got with him when he had a girlfriend, knowingly, but you feel she has no respect for herself? Salt Link to comment
saltwatergirl Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 By the way, you're 35 years old, and you're upset about who someone has as their 'number 1 friend on myspace page"....have you said that outloud? Salt Link to comment
r3drobin Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 uh... assuming is a bad habit darlin... no i did not "get with him when he had a gf"... its a long story and i'm not in the mood to go into it. you can look up my previous post to get the story. and you took my myspace comment out of text as well. Link to comment
saltwatergirl Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 Where did I assume? I ended the sentence with a question mark---last time I checked that indicates a question, not a statement. A question that was formed based on the impressions I got from your post. None of that = assumption. My impressions: You called her out for staying with a man who cheated on her, dumped her for you, then went back. You said "i know for a fact"she didnt know,, but if you didn't know he was cheating on her with you, how the heck would you know that? If you came to learn he was cheating on her with you after you got with him, then why are you commenting on her low self respect for wanting him back, when you seem to be doing the same thing (based of course on your past posts)? Seems to me you'd be ready to lose the cheater, not make judgements about his latest victim's character. Seemed a little misdirected to me. But, whatever floats your boat. No, I didnt take it out of context. You decided against a birthday card based on seeing her as his #1 friend on myspace. At least, that is what you posted. I just found that a little odd, considering everything else he has done, that a myspace issue would sway the vote. Salt Link to comment
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