How to recover when you're the one who ended it

[Bounder]

Hi everyone,

 

I have posted about this on another thread so I wont get into the details. I broke up with my ex just over a week ago, She ended it last summer but we got back together in January and I didnt think it was working out, had too many jealousy and trust issues, so I ended it. The trouble is, it feels almost as bad as being dumped! In some ways worse, because you know you CHOSE to be in this spot. I dont feel like I can do what i did last summer, get defiant and prove her wrong for dumping me or what have you. Its like I am angry and hurt and whatever with nothing to be angry at but myself for ending what was a good relationship that i panicked and wanted out of.....or maybe i am just nostalgic now that its over.

 

Regardless, I am having trouble moving on. Any advice?

[doyathink]

Are you still in love with her?

[Bounder]

Yes. I am. But she cut me deep last summer. Broke up for another man, then after that man dumped her, she had a crazy two months, slept with 3 guys, and finally came back to me after (in her words) the chase made her realize i was what she really wanted. I found ths out after taking her back, and i promised myself I would get over it, but couldnt. I want to forgive her, i know she means it, but its just hard. We still had so many good things that i dont know if I will have ever again.....

[annie24]

yeah, there are some wounds so deep, they are impossible to repair.

 

well, don't beat yourself up. you tried, you really gave it (the relationship) a good chance, and it didn't work. I don't blame you at all. Really, you did the right thing.

 

It will be ok. just focus on healing.

[Bounder]

My problem is healing knowing that I also hurt someone just as badly....

[annie24]

ok, not to make you feel bad or anything... but do you really think she feels as bad as you did before? after all, she did leave you for another guy a while ago, do you think her feelings for you are as deep as your feelings for her?

[Bounder]

Last summer, mine were certainly deeper (apparently). I dont know anymore. I almost feel like using this as a test, to see how she reacts. I want her to fight for me, as selfish as that sounds....i made it pretty easy for her when we got back together...i know she is hurt, but i dont know if anything can match what i went through last summer, but thats all sunjective, isnt it?

[doyathink]

If you are still in love with her and your going through pain because you broke up with her then GO get her back! Drop the pride, put aside the trust issues (for now) and go get her.

 

If you want it to work, you both sit down and talk like mature adults. If you both agree on making the relationship work then set the ground rules in the beginning. I lost the trust in this same way for my husband and I know just what you are saying, It is sooo hard to trust after you have been deceived. If you love each other work on the trust issues within yourself or seek therapy but don't end a relationship if you think you can over come this. It takes a very-long-time to heal from infidelity.

 

 

It sounds to me that she was/is a bit immature. Still wanting to sow the wild oats and after she matured a bit and realized what she screwed up she wanted to reconcile..Don't expect yourself to get over this easily, and she shouldn't either. She created this monster so she needs to do whatever it takes to help you heal. Don't give up on true love, some times it only happens once in a life time my friend..

[Bounder]

Thank you everyone, this place continues to help me keep my sanity. Doyathink, your words were soothing, but I worry i crossed the point of no return by breaking up with her, that something would have broken inside her and she wont be willing to work it out, or she found someone else.

 

I woke up this morning in one of those sexually tense dreams where you start off dreaming about making love to your ex and then suddenly it shifts and you are watching them screw someone else. Instead of anger, i feel almost pity, as well as jealousy. I know that those flings last year were her way of covering her loneliness, but i had those moments too and didnt go screw around. Maybe just because i am a guy and its harder for us to have flings, i dont know.

 

I love this girl, i really do. I told myself that once i got rid of these nightmares and visions of her it would be okay, but i havent, and since i ended it the nightmares have only gotten worse, now imagining her with new men in new ways, ways that i thought were unique to us. I blame myself sometimes for the nightmares,emotions are something we are supposed to control right? I miss the passion and energy we had, but am starting to realize that that may have been the flipside of all the negative energy i now have. I just want the nightmares and the fear and the uncertainty to stop....will this get better?

[HardShowingAffection]

I am going to have to agree with doyathink on this one. If you love the girl, and truly miss her, suck up your pride, set aside the ego and give everything you have. That is the only way a successful relationship is going to work. IF you two are going to be scorekeepers, as in, you did this, I did that... etc. you will never win, and you might as well just forget it.

 

I can understand why you might not feel you are able to trust her right away, nor should you. That has to be earned. Built back up over time.

 

The important thing is that you two need to work together as a team to reach your goals. Make your needs met, and work towards them each and every day. If you are only looking out for you, then the relationship is doomed. Yes, you were hurt, yes, you hurt her, but work together to heal those wounds, and grow stronger together. Both of you need to be willing to put forth your best efforts. Your pride and ego have no place in a relationship, so don't let it stand in the way... the only thing you can do is love.

[Bounder]

Thats the thing. I agree with you, and in the past that was enough for me to doggedly keep trying, but i have been burnt more than once by her and yes I am not an angel in terms of her being the only to blam for our faults, but i am afraid to touch that stove again. All these last 6 months she has shown that she is willing and able to be there for me, but what happens when the next major crisis hits, like she gets a job in Europe, or doesnt get the job or grad program she wants? Will she just take off again saying she 'needs to find herself'? I dont know right now if I miss her, and us, or if I am just swept up in the emotions that i didnt let myself feel for so long while i was finishing my masters thesis, working overtime and just generally stressed. I knew she was waiting for a decision, and i kept putting it off, as I kept putting off reacting to all the things she told me about her time away once we got back together.

 

Do people really change that much after going out to see what else is out there? or do they just settle? I am just trying to understand what brought her back.....and if I can trust its durability

[doyathink]

One never knows Bounder! You can sit around and think about all the 'what if's' and such but life doesn't tell us whats around the next corner, you know that. Unfortunately in a situation like this you are the only one who can make this decision. Do you want her back? If so, you can take the risk and let her know that the door is open and that you are willing.

 

If your fear of being hurt again is too much, than maybe it's best to let it alone and carry on with life with all the good memories this relationship gave you. It all comes down to what you really want. Love isn't enough, if two ppl are not compatable, a relationship won't work. I found this out the hard way and it doesn't help the heart out much but there will always be rough waters if the two of you are not seeking the same goals and such.

 

All you can do is follow your heart! I'm sorry I don't have the crystal ball, if I did I would have spared my heart the pain it is going through....

[Bounder]

Well, right at this instant i want her back, but I am on the other side of teh country visiting family so it doesnt do much good. I miss her, but I am deathly afraid of having another crash and painful blow to my sense of self worth like I did last summer. Part of me wonders if the timing of this break up (almost a year to the day from last summer) has anything to do with my sudden panic....

 

I just dont like feeling so much of my emotional well being is caught up in something that is casing me this much pain (but also caused so much joy)

[sukerbut]

Man o man..You my friend are in trouble. I was in teh same situation, problem is mine dumped 3 yrs ago..we got back together and i knew about the past 3 yrs...and they were not pretty. Listen i know you love her..these insecurities you have are natural and will never go away..if you were not good enough for her the first time , what makes you think you will be good enough for her this time..i know i have been there..3 times over my man...The only way you can be sure it can work..is if she comes back and begs for a second chance..dont you dare go back to her now after dumoing her..it willbe the end for you...Trust me on this one also. If she quote on qoute wants to love you , then she will be back pleading, otherwise take your loses, keep your dignity and walk..other wise your toast...DO NOT ask her back. You prbably did the right thing anyways..soemtimes we sabotage ourselves for our best interests. good luck with this, but i can assure more heartache...the only way to trust soemone that has doen this to you..is if they are truly remorsful and want nothing but to prove you right and squashe your insecurities...i know i did not happen with me, and if your the one doing the breaking i bet she was not making you feel very secure...its not worth your sanity .. do the right thing and walk. I totally made a fool of myself..dont do the same...THIS is teh reality..if you want to believe in fairy tales like i thought i did..thn go with the you never know rout... I KNOW AND I HURT ALOT. I gave in to love once again with the same girl that i was not good enough for the first two times. I left myself vulnerable and thougth iw as on teh same page with her...i mean she said all the right things too bad her actions did not say the same..evenutally the same line was being repeated..i just dont love you like you love me. I might sound bitter but its the truth.

[Bounder]

Thanks sukerbut, but I think she is the type that when she gets dumped, she tries to let go instead of running into what she feels is hopeless. Part of me wants her to keep trying to show me, but she told me when we broke up that she had done her best to show me she was IN this time, and that the rest was up to me as for whether or not I could get over our past, so it may not be fait to say she should be trying. I understand what you mean by the going back is weakness thing, but I love her, and we really had a good, open discussion while breaking up, which gave me hope even as my auto-pilot was doing what it was programmed to do.

[saltwatergirl]

the rest was up to me as for whether or not I could get over our past,

 

Exactly. Which is why we are not going to concern ourselves anymore with someone or something outside of yourself. This is something within you that cannot be resolved outside of you.

 

Salt

[rajabah]

Sorry, but I have to disagree with most of the posters here. I've been dumped for another guy and it sucks.

 

Do you honestly think if she didn't get dumped by her ex she would be wanting a relationship with you? Probably not. She'd probably be having a grand ol' time with him not even giving you a passing thought.

 

The bottom line is she chose to end it with you. It was a risk she was willing to take. You for the other guy. The relationship she had didn't turn out how she expected it to and now she regrets it.

 

Sure, I believe in second chances. If the relationship you had ended on different circumstances perhaps -- such as distance -- then I would give her a second chance. But getting dumped for another guy clearly shows she has no respect for you and if you take her back after that she'll have even less respect for you.

 

I think you did the right thing. Don't play second fiddle to anyone.

[sukerbut]

Raj i agree whole heartedly..dude your only asking to get hurt more..you lost this battle man...you cant dump and go back especially since she dumoed you the first time..as bad as it sucks you are powerless...do what you want. we are only here to tell yuo of our experiences..i wish you luck

[Bounder]

Thanks guys, i know you are trying to help. I think i will try and deal with the hurt first and then see if i still want to give it a shot. I just feel so alone all of a sudden, thats all.

[Bounder]

I was thinking of sending her this while I try and find a way over my own jealousy and lack of trust, any comments?

 

Hi x,

 

This is just a note, that you dont have to respond to if you dont want. I wanted to let you know that since that park bench night I have pushed myself into dealing with the jealousy and fear I felt after you told me about last summer. I never really dealt with it, other than to hurl it back at you in moments of insecurity, which was not productive at all. I know you are going through your own process right now, but for the first time in months I am facing the issues that kept me from believing, tackling them, trying to understand, and ultimately be the man you feel in love with. It was hard to do that while staring a decision in the face along with everything else. I turtled. I am discounting my fear of being alone, because I already am. I am hoping to come to grips with the bad dreams, insecurity and the rest. No guarantees that i can get rid of them completely, but i want to have a better idea of what is causing them and release those reasons. Once I have done that, i may be more ready to look at our futures, that amazing discussion we had that night that blew me away because my self-imposed veil of fear had been removed, and let me heart tell me what it is that i should do. I know it may be too late by then, but i would give it a shot (you know i have that capacity) and am going to do this anyways. Even if it is too late. Its not too late for myself. I love you and hope all is well,

[Todd]

One thing I did to help me get over my cheating wife was to write down all the things that I loved about her. Odd I know. The last thing you want to do is remind yourself what you loved about your cheating spouse but I found in doing so that most of the things that I loved about her were feelings about myself that she invoked in me.

 

I found she really made me like myself because I was loved by someone which further made me analyze whether or not I was liking myself prior to meeting her 5.5 years ago. I thought I liked myself and was very confident but it really makes you think. Was I really insecure? Was I down on myself and she simply pumped me up? Made me feel so good about myself that I thought I loved her?

 

Embarrassingly the answer was yes.

 

So, does that really make her all that special or can any woman invoke in me those feelings?

 

The answer to that is yes, any woman can invoke those feelings in me.

 

So what do you do, find another woman to replace your lost love or take your lost love back when she comes crawling?

 

I've been told many times by friends and family that the best way to get over a girl is to get under a girl but I've held myself steadfastly against that philosophy because clearly, after my analysis, I have issues that I need to work out regarding my love for myself before I can even THINK about getting into another relationship.

 

This whole experience of losing my wife to another man has most definitely been a hugely needed growing experience emotionally. I needed this more than I want to admit.

 

I need to learn to love myself again or no relationship with another woman is ever going to work out. How do you learn to love yourself again? Think about those things that you've always wanted to do to better yourself and then DO IT!

 

I can't tell you how many times I've been unable to join into a conversation with a group of peers about golf because I simply was not able to relate. I've always wanted to learn how to golf so I've finally paid for golf lessons and let me tell you... I'm wishing I would have done this years ago. I now love the game but it took this experience to get me off my duff and finally say, I need to do something for me.

 

It definitely makes a man feel more like a man when he can carry on an intelligent conversation with other men and KNOW from experience what the heck he is talking about. It's a lot better than, "uh... sorry, I don't know how to play golf."

 

I remember when my first marriage ended (totally mutual btw, nothing like this marriage), I took up scuba and loved it. Was doing boat dives off the coast of Catalina more than I can count. When I hooked up with my second wife (my current cheating wife) my scuba diving days came to a halt. Why?

 

Because I became so involved in her that I lost myself.

 

Now I'm finally golfing and hooking up with my old scuba buddy and planning another dive.

 

I need to live for myself and forget about reconciliation or another relationship.

 

I need to be okay with me and be okay with being on my own again before I can even think about getting into another relationship, let alone one with my cheating wife should she ever come back which I doubt.

 

I'm on the right path. She disrespected you my friend just like my wife disrespected me. I found that the wonderful feelings my wife invoked in me were due to inadequacies that I felt about myself and FURTHER discovered that those special feelings she invoked in me were not necessarily exclusive to her. Any woman can make a man feel special so don't get hooked up on her and move on my friend.

 

Do something for yourself and learn to love who you are before you even THINK about taking her back should she come crawling home.

[doyathink]

All I have to say Bounder is, some ppl change and everyone's situation is different with different circumstances! You make up your own mind, you know there is nothing out there to say it will or it won't work! You can't base your decisions off of others experiences, they are completely different than yours.

[sukerbut]

yes absolutly correct...there is always the chance of winning..thats why we gamble...but the laws of probability will tell you otherwise..listen its ok to gamble..i gambled the third time and i gambled big...i put everything on the line and came out a loser...but thats me...if you think its worth the gamble do it..but be prepared to lose

[Bounder]

All this internal debate over the last week or so, something i had stifled in the months leading up to it, has dredged up all my bad memories from last summer. I dont recognize the girl i was dating and the girl who did all that last year. Mind you, i didnt think she ws capable of doing that last summer either. Such a loaded gun. Maybe there is an element of self-worth invested in being with her, like i am good enough to be with her when she knows she can have all those other guys, but there is a little voice inside my head that says she shouldnt have had to do all that to realize how good I am, and i shouldnt have to deal with the nightmares, the indecision, the hurt, to be with someone i love. Ultimately, maybe i am afraid of being alone, or being the bad guy in all of this. She crushed my sense of attractiveness last summer, even though i have a masters degree, am athletic, sensitive, cultured, well travelled and tri-lingual. The one i wanted to be with wanted to be with others, and that crushed me. Its hard to forget that, but either way, thats what being in a relationship is, right, realizing that person has the power to hurt you and being ok with it? Thats why i just want to get over the hurt and worry about the rest afterwards....

[doyathink]

um, I'm sorry! I wish you luck in whatever decision you make...There are others out there, tho I find that the 'good' ones must be hiding most of the time, they are out there...

 

sukerbut, I know you too have been burned, I have been as well, such is life here on the big rock I guess....