My life/Poem

[ButterflyWrists]

 

Please expand your story.

 

huh? In what way?

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If I could go and see a shrink again, I would, but I hold a fear that it would stop me being able to do the job that I want to do. I know deep inside me what my love did was not my fault, but it still doesn't rid the feeling that it was indeed my fault. I wish there was another way too sort my problems out without seeing a shrink

[AwdreeHpburn]

X - i think he wants more details about the comments that you've already made. Like instead of saying, "I was abused" get a bit more into the kind, was it physical? What is verbal? (course a lot of times those all go hand in hand...)

 

Instead of saying that you killed some one, let us know what that means? Did you really commit murder? If so did you shoot some one? Are you talking about abortion? Or like Spugly said, did someone commit suicide and you are blaming yourself?

 

He wants more details.

 

But to be honest, I'm not sure they matter. The bottom line is, you need to get help.

[nottoogreen]

cause i've killed the only person i ever loved.

.....

but the one i love wants me to live, i have tht from the note he left with me.

 

• The story behind the above
  
• About your past abuse by your ex bf
  
• What lead up to you first suicide attempt
  

 

Take your time, I am off for today.

[ButterflyWrists]

• The story behind the above
  
• About your past abuse by your ex bf
  
• What lead up to you first suicide attempt
  

 

He commited suicide. He left a note found after he commited suicide. Saying I should live, he was upset that I had dumped him, he thought it was his fault I had allmost died from self harm.

 

My Ex, he toutred me, tied me up, treated me as a slave. I was like his little lap dog. Had to do what he said else he'd hurt me. I didn't always do what he said, and I have scars from cuts he gave me. He rapped me a week after we split up, and also many times before then, I blamed what he did to me on his 'illness' but his illness is fake.

 

My first suicide attempt was when i was 9/10, my mum had a different boyfriend, and he was always hitting her, and me, and sometimes my brother, at the time I didn't know how to help, the day I attempted suicide, was the day I saw him beating my mum up with a Dog Lead, I managed to beat him up with the same lead, but also at the same time I was getting seriously hurt. My mum afterwards dragged me out the house, my brother had gone to our neighbour, and I went with mum, we wewre going to run away, I didn't want to, I was frightend of what would happen, I thought he may find us, so I ran off, with the excuse I'm cold, I'm going to get my jumper, which I'd dropped on the road. As I got to it, a lorry was coming down the road, it was going fast. I went in front of it. . . Then I remember being at my neighbours house, and telling them where my mum was so we could all be together. And safe.

After that I almost went into care.

[Spugly Fuglet]

What do the shrink do for you after you came out of hosbital, where they of use with this?.

 

Its sounds like you have had a hell of a life, but your still here and none of what you have told us make you a bad persion just some one who has been thorw hell.

[ButterflyWrists]

All they knew was why I ran away the first time, and the suicide atempt that followed it. Or was the suicide atempt before it? I can't remember.

They helped me with the run away part. But that is about all.

 

Also there is a history (of 2 people) of suicide in my family.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Could you say who they where, the 2 others.

[ButterflyWrists]

a great uncle and his son.

[blackend heart]

i never knew im so sorry, im the BF bt the way __x referred me, i dont know how i can help i feel so guilty about everything its my fault that this has all come in to the open

[ButterflyWrists]

it isnt ur fault! its my own

[blackend heart]

it is, if i was a better BF then i wouldnt probe in to your past i would stay strong rather than cryin dow the phone at you, from now on im going to try and be your rock

[ButterflyWrists]

No one should take it personal, I came on here with my Ex, I know he was a **** and I use these forums to get help from an outsider. It's nothing personal to anyone, not my family friends or you. You help in a different way!

[AwdreeHpburn]

NDG - Welcome to ENA. I'm glad you logged on.

 

You are her bf and her past or the fact that you didn't know her past, is NOT your fault. But you are here now. Anyway you can see that she gets the proper help??

[Spugly Fuglet]

NDG4981 welcome also, __x you can send prived emails v this site to each other if you need to talk, NDG4981 if you would like to talk then you can if you like start your own thread you do not have to talk here.

 

we will help any why we can.

[blackend heart]

thats true, it was a shock before i mean she told me the little things but i never really knew how deep it went, and i know you say it isnt my fault, but if we had never gone out with each other she would have never confided in me and i would never have opened the doorway to the past

[AwdreeHpburn]

the door way to her past was never closed NDG - You did not open it. You CAN help her tho....maybe that is the part you are to play in her life....

[Spugly Fuglet]

Ta ree saw is right, some times you need help to face things.

[nottoogreen]

He commited suicide. He left a note found after he commited suicide. Saying I should live, he was upset that I had dumped him, he thought it was his fault

Gosh, and I thought YOU killed him. I am very sad he did that though, I assure you that you will understand him more as you understand yourself more.

I had allmost died from self harm.

Sorry, one more question. Why you SH at that time?

My Ex, he toutred me, tied me up, treated me as a slave. I was like his little lap dog. Had to do what he said else he'd hurt me. I didn't always do what he said, and I have scars from cuts he gave me. He rapped me a week after we split up, and also many times before then, I blamed what he did to me on his 'illness' but his illness is fake.

Yeah, that hurt too much. Have a look at this, It is not nice to read, but I feel it will help you in resolving that it was not your fault: link removed

My first suicide attempt was when i was 9/10, my mum had a different boyfriend, and he was always hitting her, and me, and sometimes my brother, at the time I didn't know how to help, the day I attempted suicide, was the day I saw him beating my mum up with a Dog Lead, I managed to beat him up with the same lead, but also at the same time I was getting seriously hurt. My mum afterwards dragged me out the house, my brother had gone to our neighbour, and I went with mum, we wewre going to run away, I didn't want to, I was frightend of what would happen, I thought he may find us, so I ran off, with the excuse I'm cold, I'm going to get my jumper, which I'd dropped on the road. As I got to it, a lorry was coming down the road, it was going fast. I went in front of it. . . Then I remember being at my neighbours house, and telling them where my mum was so we could all be together. And safe.

After that I almost went into care.

Long sad story. I remember those fights between my parents, but my mother was the abuser. My first wife was raped age 9 and sometime later ran in front of a truck, her mom chained her to the bed, what treatment.

 

How is your relationship with your mom and her bf - in detail please?

a great uncle and his son.

Indirectly there may be a link between heritage and suicide by genetic predispositon to depression. Meaning: Some people do get depressed easier than others. Once people get toooo depressed, the end-result is open as you will realize from your experience.

 

A few years ago, I used to get depressed much easier than my gf, I jokingly called her stone-buffalo at times. But now, I am like Scotty. He never got depressed, just found power when most needed...

[nottoogreen]

Hi NDG,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

i never knew im so sorry, im the BF bt the way __x referred me, i dont know how i can help i feel so guilty about everything its my fault that this has all come in to the open

Getting it out of her was the best that could happen.

it is, if i was a better BF then i wouldnt probe in to your past i would stay strong rather than cryin dow the phone at you, from now on im going to try and be your rock

Love her, encourage her. When she is down, she will be at times!, send her here or to a counsellor.

thats true, it was a shock before i mean she told me the little things but i never really knew how deep it went, and i know you say it isnt my fault, but if we had never gone out with each other she would have never confided in me and i would never have opened the doorway to the past

One of the lessons I learned on eNotAlone is: One can be a loving healthy partner to ones loving healthy partner. Not much more. People are "loaded" to deal with their own issues and have difficulty to handle exceptional situations and problems of others.

 

Thus X has to resolve her issues. NDG, if your have issues, resolve these independently as well.

 

Both of you, do not keep problems inside you and strive for balance within yourself and in your relationship.

 

We always will be here for you.

[blackend heart]

the problem i have really is that i take on other peoples problems before sorting my own, i have always done it, i am going to start a thread on here eventually but i want to make sure __x is ok first, i dont think i could cope without her, she is the only thing making me happy at the moment but i want her to be better before i start on myself, i just dont want to loose her...

 

 

actually im just scared, im scared for __x i want to be there for her but i have no idea what she is going through, im constantly worried that i will say something wrong that will push her over the edge or uncover something that will do the same, i want __x to be ok because i can honestly say i have never loved another person in the same intensity that i love __x. the thing is unless we both get the help we need/desire then we are in danger of loosing each other anyway.

[nottoogreen]

the problem i have really is that i take on other peoples problems before sorting my own, i have always done it,

Just stop that, it only burns you up, be reasonably selfish.

i am going to start a thread on here eventually

No rush, it's important that you are ready.

but i want to make sure __x is ok first,

i dont think i could cope without her, she is the only thing making me happy at the moment

Dangerous game, you have to find also value within yourself or bring her down.

but i want her to be better before i start on myself, i just dont want to loose her...

 

actually im just scared, im scared for __x i want to be there for her but i have no idea what she is going through,

And you do not really want to know. It will be hard on you at times.

im constantly worried that i will say something wrong that will push her over the edge or uncover something that will do the same,

I think that she will get better, it will be a rocky road though.

i want __x to be ok because i can honestly say i have never loved another person in the same intensity that i love __x.

It seems you both kept each others will to live alive, but this is a very very fragile balance. For example suppose if the two of you would have an normal argument followed by either one having an normal traffic accident and lack of communication...

the thing is unless we both get the help we need/desire then we are in danger of loosing each other anyway.

Right, it is very positive that you realize that. So please work on it, you have a long future ahaead of you, hopefully together of course.

 

Always try to keep cool headed and if you need help, come here or talk to a counsellor.

[ButterflyWrists]

Aww. . . Well I'm not going to be on here for a few days, as a friend is over. and i dont want her to find out!

 

Oh, i used to SH cause i was really depressed. and no one liked me. my only friend i had is at mine, pluking my cousins eye brows!

 

Oh and my frelationship with my mum and her BF atm is going ok, although i did have an argument earlier today. but yeah, when my mms bf gets drunk or tipsy he always takes his mood out on me. and he almost always gets pissed/tipsy.

[nottoogreen]

Aww. . . Well I'm not going to be on here for a few days, as a friend is over. and i dont want her to find out!

Why is that if I may ask?

... my only friend i had is at mine, pluking my cousins eye brows!

I do not understand this, please expand.

Oh and my frelationship with my mum and her BF atm is going ok, although i did have an argument earlier today. but yeah, when my mms bf gets drunk or tipsy he always takes his mood out on me. and he almost always gets pissed/tipsy.

OK, thank you, Understand, pretty bad, well, thinking positive, it's survivable

 

Have a rest for a few days and please enjoy the time with your friend, I'll sleep on my reply.

[ButterflyWrists]

i dont want her to worry about me as she is really ill.

 

my friend was messin around with my cousin.

 

i may be on from time to time the next few days, but im unsure depending on wht im doing.

[ButterflyWrists]

This is going to be long I warn you:

 

As people keep asking me questions, I'm going to write out all I can remember, in detail:

 

1st three years of my life:

My dad used to beat my mum up, and my older brother. He was a very 'religious man' and always went to church, and was attually friends with the local vicker.

Once he set alight to the bed him and my mum shared, I was the one whome found her, hence my fear of fire. (Btw, my mum is still alive). He threatend to sexually abuse me, but as far as I know he never did.

Everytime we left my dad, he'd find us and take us back, incuding my mum.

When I was 11months old, I had meninjitus, and was very lucky to survive.

Once when I was on a train I had one of those little child buggy things, and I'd broken it from too much bouncing, hey, they were made for it! And it broke, and one of the springs ripped open my nappy, my dad sued them, meaning I should have compensation floating around somewhere.

 

3-5 years.

Finally we got away from my dad, but that wasn't going to be the end of it.

He kept trying to claim costordy of me and my brother. But always failed, thank god!

For a while we lived in refugies. Finally we got a place to live in south molten in devon, at that time I never saw my dad, my mum had a guy friend, whome she acted like was our dad for that year, he was really nice. But he's moved to New Zeeland.

We had to move from southmolten as there were mushrooms growing behind the UPSTAIRS toilet, I found them, hence my fear of mushrooms!

So then we moved into a lovely cottage in a place called Marighansleigh. We lived there for a year, and I had to catch a taxi to my bus stop so I could get to school, this was when I was four. I wasn't really in school much due to choronic earache!

 

5-10

After living there, we moved to Molland, a tiny little village, we had some happy years, up until i was 8, when my mum met Pete, he was a right **** and abused us all, I have already said about this, and I don't want to repeat it.

When I was ten I moved to somerset, where I live still now, things got better, with my ears and everything, for a little while, but before we moved here, I lived in yeovil, I cannot remember where my brother lived while I was there. My mum was in a 'mental' hospital, due to neighbours being right ****s.

 

10-16

Well all was ok, until I was 13, when my mum met nick, she'd told me and my brother not to let her get a boyfriend after Pete, so I of course did my best to stop them going out, and I failed misserablely, so at the age of 13, after 3 months of nick living with us, I ran away, to devon, it was the day of my 1st sat's exam. I was only away for one night, I'd ended up phoning my mum as I had no where to go. And she got her friend to get me from where I was, until she could get me.

Things never got any better between me and my mums boyfriend, I self harmend alot at that time. Also I had a boyfriend, whome you know about from the poem, and I've already talked about.

Nick always took his pissed moods out on me after m brother got a car. And he does still, but now also when he doesn't want to talk to his daughter.

Now up to the current time. Well things have only just really came out into the open, and I'm glad things are out finally, but I still feel very insicure. And suicidal. Since my mum got with nick is the times other than one that I attempted suicide. All 'flawless' ways.

5 attempts were hanging, I always ended up getting myself out. 3 OD's, 4 sofocation. 2 infront of vercals.

 

Well you can ask any questions you want.