I hate God

[soundcell]

Why doesn't God care about the people he created. He created me and abandoned me to a lonely cruel world. I hate him so much, i have always believed in him and prayed the same prayers for about 15 years now. no answer. I have become so bitter to him that I curse him everyday. I would rather kill myself and go to Hell than live my life of agony, loneliness and despair. I have tried asking God to take away my pain for many years. i have wanted to kill myself since my early teens, I'm now 27. 27 years old, alone and desperate, desperately wanting love but there is no one whom loves me and i'm always alone. i miss my ex that i went out with for 2 years, i miss a few other girls too, not many serious relationships but have gotten my heart so broken many times. my heart feels like a pile of sharp shards now, and it sometimes literaly hurts from the emptiness inside me. i don't cry myself to sleep almost every night now. instead, i feel disappointment, sadness, loneliness, fear of the future and I also feel partly numb.

what do i have to live for?

why do i always fail?

why does it seem like no one likes me?

why don't i have many friends anymore?

if i am never happy why shouldn't i kill myself and save myself a future life of sadness?????!

 

is it normal to lose friends as you get older? i know God doesn't care about me, my stepdad abused me when i was getting older, other kids too, which made me get an inferiority complex. my dad died like 8 years ago. i live in another city from my family so i don't talk to them much anymore. i love my family but i don't think i love my mom, i think that i have always thought that she doesn't love me so that may be where some of my problems come from.

other than that, everyday i think about suicide. when i walk accross a bridge or in a mall i think about what it would be like to jump off, i fantasize about it.

i just want love and no one loves me. i want love so badly

people have told me that i will never find a soulmate if i never love myself.

i have never loved myself and never will so does that mean that i will never find a soulmate? i don't think i could ever learn to love myself.

in my past i have been on medication for a short time, didn't work. tried counseling, didn't seem to help. i haven't done lsd, ecstasy, shrooms for like 6 years and i don't do drugs anymore. i smoke and drink occasionally.

i have gone to college like 3 years and i probably have 2 more to go. my grades were really bad last year so i don't know if i can go next year. i have been a drum and bass dj for 6 years and i'm really good, only starting to play out though. i also paint modern art, and i'm pretty exceptional. i'm smart, tech savvy, but none of these things truly make me happy. possessions and my abilities doesn't replace companionship. i am too materialistic and selfish.

anyway, i've rambled on too long. i'm just desperate and i need answers so bad. i just am afraid of the physical pain of death and chicken out. what will others think? (i think they could have sympathy for how bad i hurt). what would i miss? mostly bad things, because my life has been really bad. so i don't want to hear any "lie is beautiful, life is a gift" (more like a curse) or there are so many good things, because it is mostly bad.

Shame on God for letting us suffer. I hate him very much. Letting bad things happen is just about as bad as doing bad things. God is lazy and he either doesn't care or he laughs at us when something bad happens. I have cried out to him so many times and I am done with him.

I would appreciate any feedback you might have. thanks

[nottoogreen]

Hi soundcell,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I like to help you to work on reducing your depression, it will take time and if you want to change it will work.

 

What is depression? Depression is a mental pain caused by an imbalance between expectations and ability. To make the pain go away, one has to improve ones ability (do better) and/or change ones expectations. In other words, to avoid depression, one ought to balance ability and expectations. Balance is it, as so often in life. From: Reference materials and more info

 

Keeping this in mind, please post your unmet expectations and we see how we can resolve the imbalance.

[soundcell]

i mostly feel like no one likes me. i am often isolated and alone even though i don't want to be. my relationships don't work out. after my ex dumped me after 2 years i cried almost every night for like a year and it's been 3 years now. i get depressed over it now but my sadness comes from mostly being alone. i wish i had someone who loved me. i have never loved myself and i don't think i ever can. so does that mean i won't find anyone? a few people have told me that if i don't love myself no one will. so am i screwed?

[nottoogreen]

Yeah, being lonely is hard. If you do not like yourself, it is hard for you to like someone else.

 

Have a look at these 10 points: Relationship wreckers

 

What points your ex matches?

 

What points do you match?

 

Why you do not like yourself?

 

Any history of abuse, family problems?

[doyathink]

Hello Soundcell, sounds like you are having a rough time of things. I'm sorry for that and I too have been down many roads that have left me emptier than the next. There is no short fix to the problems you are facing however, I would start with; Don't give up on yourself! Don't stop believing in yourself.

 

If you believe in God than you know your not alone in this. He does hear your crys for mercy, he does see your heart break and at the same time, he has never promised us a bed of roses. Are you listening? Have you really made time to listen to what he is telling you. He is not abandoning you but you need to be receptive. Do you attend a chuch? They may have a support system that you could join where there are others facing the same desperation that you are. You may be going through a test of your faith! If you have the time, read the book of Job.

 

Have you looked around to see if there is another place that offers a support group? What about your minister ( if you attend church that is). Please try to find someone local who can set you up with others who are going through this. Please feel free to pm me anytime, I would be glad to help in what ever way I can.

[doyathink]

NTG, he posted some abuse with his stepfather!

my stepdad abused me when i was getting older, other kids too, which made me get an inferiority complex.

[soundcell]

I have read job and i also told God not to test me because i am not strong, i am weak. no, i have not attended church in years. i hate christian music and i hate it when they tell you to meet people, also church is very boring. the bible is also too hard to understand all the metaphors and everything so i don't read it. i would rip my bible apart if my parents didn't buy me an expensive one.

anyway, i never asked to be alive so it is unfair for me to suffer. it is God's fault for creating me, it is God's fault for my sins and everything because he created me. God should go to hell, not people.

I have asked him millions of times for help, any help, any support. i have gotten no response and no end to my pain.

well God hasn't really abandoned me because he has never been there for me. i have never seen him or heard his voice or any comfort.

be receptive to what?

I have believed in God but he hasn't believed in me.

God hasn't promised us a bed of roses but he has given us a bed of thorns.

really, really sharp thorns

 

thanks for your advice!

[dpressedone89]

dont take this the wrong way but there comes a time to stop waiting for god to get off his duff and just grit your teeth and fix things your self its hard but doable.

-stitcheS

[doyathink]

I'm sorry. And I know you clearly want to hate him, thats fine too. Have you tried the support group thing yet?

[nottoogreen]

NTG, he posted some abuse with his stepfather!

Thank you doyathink for pointing this out.

 

Soundcell, you can't blame your problems on anyone. Please go through post #4 and take the time to answer it. Your answers will help you as well as us to understand everything better.

[soundcell]

What points your ex matches? 10, maybe 6, i should have pointed out that it was a long distance relationship. she lived in japan, the reason she broke up with me is that she said we lived too far, it was too hard. she stopped emailing me and was neglecting me during the last few months.

 

What points do you match? umm, i probably fit all of them besides gossiping and putting myself last. i've been trying hard not to be so opinionated and pessimistic in front of people and not to be so materialistic and greedy. i always thought i could impress people with my nice possessions but they do not make me a better person and they don't create happiness.

 

Why you do not like yourself? no matter what i do i'm scrawny and i have a high metabolism. i'm 27, 5'10" and weigh 140 lbs.

i don't have much money, i did poorly in school last year / no motivation, procrastination, introverted, i isolate myself from the world and usually decline invitations. seems people generally don't like me, think i have some sort of bad aura/curse or something. i don't like that i don't know how to start and keep relationships. i don't like being shy, alone. seems like i have bad luck since many bad things happen to me.

 

Any history of abuse, family problems? people at school teased me, beat me up. i was one of the nerdiest kids in the entire school. picked on so bad. and my biker stepdad would get drunk and say lots of mean things (i probably believed what he and kids at school said about me and i still think that / i think i have an inferiority complex from that), sometimes hit us, make us do chores everyday.

he didn't beat us really badly, he would hit us every once in a while and we were scared of him. after years of that and him throwing his motorcycle helmet at my head and leaving a huge bump i ran away to my dads and called the police.

 

thanks again

[nottoogreen]

You are welcome,

 

About your relationships, You are toooo complex for any girl to handle. You have to fix yourself first. Your partner will come.

 

You have an inferior complex, but you know that you are not inferior. I remember your situation from my school days. My family problems were bigger than yours. I worked and made money as early as age 7 though. Work kept me happy. My alcoholic dad passed when I was 14...

 

About your body: Accept Your Body and Learn to Have a Positive Self Image

 

About your work ethic: I did some personal growth exercises

 

In my reference are many articles and more on depression. You have a bit of reading todo and then we should try to develop positive expectations and activites for you to substitute your negative experiences.

 

In time you will get better, it will take time and hard work. A few months...

 

I look forward to discuss your positive ideas.

[doyathink]

Wow, some of these things make you sound like my son! He is skinny and shy but a major chick magnet, it's all on how ya work it !First, Women like a guy who can have a sense of humor and self confidence. You don't have to be the life of the party but be able to carry on a good convo. Shyness can be a huge attraction if it's played right. PM friscodj, he seems to know how to get a guy to open up more around women, he has a lot of good pointers that may just help.

[doyathink]

BTW, I seen your pic on your profile, your a nice looking man so I would bet that somehow it's the way that girls perceive you.

[soundcell]

thanks doyathink! =P

girls often say I'm "cute" but i hate that term. bunnies are cute, so are puppies and babies. i'd rather be handsome and more masculine. i wish that i knew how to post a better photo since the upload only lets you do 150x150 pixel, 14kb max.

i know i'm good looking, but it's my personality that sucks. i think people can tell just by looking at me that i'm depressed.

i just don't know how to approach girls, ask for a date. i don't have a social network anymore. i don't know many girls that i can ask out and i don't think i could approach a stranger and what i would say

i also forgot to mention that i was seeing my upstairs neighbor for a month and it ended a few weeks ago. she stopped talking to me and having anything to do with me. i said something stupid and apologized but then she was just like i want to stop seeing you. it sucks that i still have to see her and hear her. i haven't seen her at all, seems like she is avoiding me. i learned my mistake from getting involved with a neighbor, it sucks. i now have a grudge against her because my ex stopped talking to me years ago and she was always like, "if we break up we'll always be friends." she lied and it made me so angry. i feel the same way about my upstairs neighbor kinda.

 

hey nottoogreen-

i did the personal growth exercise:

Personal Therapy

 

Things I Love Besides girls:

 

My family

healthy foods

art/painting

spinning records

internet

Music

movies

My friends

going out for coffee

 

 

Future Goals Separate from girls:

 

Graduate from college

Get a good job, english teacher in japan, artist, or something

stay healthy

become a popular dj

Have a child

Travel - Japan again, europe, hawaii to visit my brother i haven't seen in 5 years

become a popular artist

have money, house, car, etc.

 

Questions:

 

If I were more honest about my feelings...I would probably know that when bad things happen to me and when people are mean to me it is probably about the same average that other people get. also, it is hard to percieve how others think of me so maybe i shouldn't be so paranoid

 

The bad thing about admitting my pain to myself is...it makes me feel sorry for myself. maybe i'm just too weak, but it seems other people can handle it

 

The bad thing about admitting my fears is...if i tell people that leaves me vulnerable.

 

If I were to be honest about myself about my anger...i hold grudges, i hate certain people and it bottles up and i dwell on it. i don't vent my anger properly. i have aLOT of anger. i also think that anger eats away at me

 

The good thing about denying my excitement is...it makes me seem like i don't care and maybe cooler? i have a tendency to be too excited sometimes and talk too much

 

When I think of how I try to protect myself by denying my feelings and emotions...i lie to myself but it's still there. i don't think about my ex much anymore so i pin my heartbreak on loneliness and not her.

[soundcell]

You are welcome,

 

About your relationships, You are toooo complex for any girl to handle. You have to fix yourself first. Your partner will come.

 

 

nottoogreen - what did you mean exactly that i'm too complex?

how can i fix myself, if it's possible

[nottoogreen]

i did the personal growth exercise:

Personal Therapy

 

Things I Love Besides girls:

 

My family

healthy foods

art/painting

spinning records

internet

Music

movies

My friends

going out for coffee

 

 

Future Goals Separate from girls:

 

Graduate from college

Get a good job, english teacher in japan, artist, or something

stay healthy

become a popular dj

Have a child

Travel - Japan again, europe, hawaii to visit my brother i haven't seen in 5 years

become a popular artist

have money, house, car, etc.

Nice list!, please print it and pin it on the wall. And work on it

Questions:

 

If I were more honest about my feelings...I would probably know that when bad things happen to me and when people are mean to me it is probably about the same average that other people get. also, it is hard to percieve how others think of me so maybe i shouldn't be so paranoid

I understand your feelings, I was a geek into tech since earliest childhood, and most other kids did not like me. You want to strive for balance of yourself and your life. Honesty is important, self-denial does not work because our brain knows anyway. Balanced trust and paranoia is essential for success.

The bad thing about admitting my pain to myself is...it makes me feel sorry for myself. maybe i'm just too weak, but it seems other people can handle it

You are sensitive, not weak. You do defeat yourself though by not managing yourself.

The bad thing about admitting my fears is...if i tell people that leaves me vulnerable.

Sure, but to leave fears behind it is best to let them out. Everone has some fears, it's normal. You are not a machine. Deal with your fears like with all emotions.

If I were to be honest about myself about my anger...i hold grudges, i hate certain people and it bottles up and i dwell on it. i don't vent my anger properly. i have aLOT of anger. i also think that anger eats away at me

Let your anger go, vent here, keep your expression civil. We may learn more from the venting.

The good thing about denying my excitement is...it makes me seem like i don't care and maybe cooler? i have a tendency to be too excited sometimes and talk too much

Your locked up emotions made you deprive yourself emotionally and that results in great excitement once you unlock. The problem will resolve itself and you feel natural excitement, which is an important motivator.

When I think of how I try to protect myself by denying my feelings and emotions...i lie to myself but it's still there. i don't think about my ex much anymore so i pin my heartbreak on loneliness and not her.

About the ex, the girl upstairs and other girls, sure them feel when you are depressed. Your ex must have loved you to put up with you for 2 years. Hold off for a while, wait until you are better because these relationship setbacks make you feel worse.

[Spugly Fuglet]

soundcell I would say Nottoogreen and doyathink have you covered on this, I would like to go a small counter point.

 

With me a spent years trying to get my head around this hole god thing and found in the end the an esten belife Taoisem was for me the 1st time I got the idear of belife.

 

Im not saying it will for you but its worth looking into more than just Westen religans.

 

As for feeling infirea in others eyes, Ill tell you what my dad told me one when I was down in one of my Bie-poler pits.

 

"why are you kicking your self when the rest of the world is lineing up to do it for you"

 

and its true when the world set out to kick us then the last thing we should do is side with it, we need to look after our selfs and keep us safe from it. That means protecting our selfs and liking our selfs.

 

I find that doing the right thing, being a good person means it dos not matter what others think, I KNOW im doing my best with every one I meet. Thats all we can ever ALL OF US thats it, yes the bad and evil can stand on there spoliles and call us fools for doing so but its they who are poor for its there souls that are bleeck and empy.

 

All im saying is try to be the best human you can with the cards the world have played you. Do that and you will be warth more to your elf and to a partner than many who pass throw there lives.

 

One day you will have children of your own and one thing a bad dad can teach us is how NOT to rase kids, all you have to do it not what he did.

 

When woman call you cute go with it, cute is not bad its good all you have to add is trust and you will find woman seeing you in a new light.

 

Trust is hard when you hate your self as you disrecpect your self how can you respect and honoe others,

 

Thats what needs to be fixed deep inside, you have to lean to like your self, like the bits of your self that you would like in others.

 

Trying to do whats righ and good from today is a grate way to do that, when you fail lean how and try again. Its that which can lead to self repect. Once you start you will see a change,

 

That fast is just that, gone, never to be again, we can never go back and change it so we are left with rembaring it, if the memerys are bad then what use are they to us trying to do good now? What you have to do is go back and look again but this time with new eyes, look for what you can learn that will help you now, if you can not decode it find new mind tools that will let you look again. Soon you we be ebeal to see that you where not to blame for your past but you can see things of use there. Take them to your self for the good thats in them and look again with them at the here and now.

 

The futuer is just that, to come to be and not some thing we can controle other than to ready our selfs for when it comes.

 

What do I mean with this, its the mind set we have every day, form when we get up to when we go to bed. Thows that live lives in the dark only see pain in the world and there lives, but what lives could they have if only there minds had see what was joy and good all around.

 

Life is a state of mind, we make it, we hold it, we live it.

 

In out minds we have control there we are the god and its our world to make as we see fit.

 

I feel your looking in the wrong place for god.

 

I hope my worlds help, odd as are with bad spelling in there I feel is some help.

[nottoogreen]

nottoogreen - what did you mean exactly that i'm too complex?

You said you match all points in the relationship wreckers article. Plus you are depressed. That makes it impossible for anyone to be with you.

You want to be a loving healthy partner to your loving healthy partner.

 

how can i fix myself, if it's possible

Its possible, but not easy. It will take time and patience as all success.

• Resolve anger
  
• Resolve past issues and pains
  
• No substance abuse and avoid medications
  
• Back to study
  
• Develop self discipline
  
• Develop self esteem
  
• Resolve hits in relationship wreckers article
  
• Develop self confidence
  
• Resume dating
  

 

 

It's hard work, always keep targets and whatch yourself, there will be bad days and setbacks but you can do it and you have a future.

 

Important: If you feel bad or need help, do not bottle it up and please talk here. Someone will listen and help you. And do not blame others for your problems again.

[soundcell]

thanks, your words cut to the core. this means a great deal to me. so, i disrespect myself by not liking myself? and others see that?

but what do you mean by trust?

also, i have never liked myself and i don't think i ever could, i don't know how.

ya, it would be foolish looking for God when he doesn't answer and when he might not exist

[nottoogreen]

Spugly is our #1 romantic. He follows Tao, Being in Asia for a long time, I am more into broad Buddhist philosophy.

[nottoogreen]

thanks, your words cut to the core. this means a great deal to me. so, i disrespect myself by not liking myself? and others see that?

Sure.

but what do you mean by trust?

You have to trust yourself first, then you will learn to trust others.

also, i have never liked myself and i don't think i ever could, i don't know how.

Understandable the way you did and treated yourself. But you ought to learn to like yourself by doing better.

 

Always look at it from a balance point of view, balance everything beginning with yourself. You will be happy with yourself.

[soundcell]

You said you match all points in the relationship wreckers article. Plus you are depressed. That makes it impossible for anyone to be with you.

so if these issues are never fixed i will be forever alone? that is my greatest fear. and i've never had much self confidence. these sound impossible for me to do. plus i've always been depressed, i don't think it's gonna change

and i think you already covered how to manage myself, what do you mean by balance?

[nottoogreen]

You want to be a loving healthy partner to your loving healthy partner.

 

You will fix your problems!. You need self confidence. Get to work on the list in post #19.

 

Only doing positive things will build you up, your self esteem and your self confidence.

 

Make you anger-vent-post first.

 

When can you study or work?

 

You will be fine after a few months of solid effort.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Sound Cell what I mean by trust

is trust in your self to do the right things.

 

As you larn to respect your self for trying to to be a better man, its a day by day thing, all the words in the world mean nothing its what you deside to do every day and what you then do that counts.

 

Each day you do a little more, larn a little more and in that way trust yourself. Once you do that others will see that in you an action and deed and larn to trust you to do right by them.

 

I myself think thats what it means to be a man, to face the world no matter what (and believe me there are much harder times a head as well as good ones) and do the best we can.

 

I use three words that giuld me.

 

Truth, Strenght and Honor.

 

Its simple but when times are hard I say the words to myself.

 

Alwasy be true to yourself and others in action and deed

Be strong in body and mind for your self and others.

Honor your self for trying to do right and others for the same.

 

When your in a relationship is so easy to forget that you hold some ones hart in your hands, they trust you not to do them undow harm.

 

If you feel you need to end a relationship then end it the right way, talk to them face to face and say so, dont find a new hidden love to protect your self and then do it.

 

Try your best to work it out but be strong if you try your best and its still failes.

 

If your single and you meet a new love respect them, lisen and learn who they are and if they are the one tell them and say what you would like your future to be, but if they feel you are not right for them then respect there feeling and walk away with honor. You did your best.

 

Its this belife in our own skill to try and do the right thing that let us respect our selfs.

 

If some one says it good to do wrong then walk away, it is never right to hurt others for our own pleasher, I see to many young men do this and they are fools,

 

True love comes from Trust and respect, if you can feel them for you self then you can do so for your lover and that above all other things is waht counts.

 

Others here ahve shown you tools that can help you over come how you feel deep inside.

 

As you say you may feel like you can never like yourself, but trust me when you start life over with an intent to do right in all thing, even if you fail more than you sucseed you WILL start to see your self in a new light,

 

You my walk away from situtions hurting but deep down you will now all the way throgh you did your best to do right and its that which will open the world to you.

 

Inside each of us lives an angel and devil its up to us which we let out.

 

"Truth, Stenght and Honor"