Joining a club I didn't want to join

[shellshocked]

but here i am.

please don't take offense, but i DO NOT want to be here.

(but i'm really happy i found this place! ).

 

i've been reading and reading and reading and i finally decided to post.

(SuperDave...i LOVE you btw!)

 

Not sure if i should be posting here...or in breakups...(or both?)

but here goes....

 

i'm a women. who's been in a LDR with another woman for almost

1.5 years now. (now when i say LDR, i mean REALLY a LDR...we

live in different countries)

 

things have been amazing for these past 1.5 years.

we had/have huge chemistry.

we have intimate, deep conversations.

the sex is amazing.

it's been REALLY intense...sometimes maybe TOO intense.

we would talk on the phone repeatedly EVERY SINGLE DAY.

contant emails and text messages.

we've physically been together 3 times now.

last april - for a week in italy.

last august - 10 days in switzerland.

and now here with me - for 6 weeks (may thru the end of june).

 

every.

single.

time....it's been amazing!!

 

(now comes the meat of this message).

 

so she comes here in may.

her sister is graduating from college in boston and she's coming

to represent the family. (she tells me that she's basically doing

it, so she can see me and spend time with me)

the graduation is the beginning of may, and she's planning to come and see me the 1st of june.

 

well, she wants to see me so much she ends up inviting me up to the graduation. (this is HUGE, because she normally doesn't want anyone meeting her family...she's not close to them)

so i go up for weekend and we (again) have the BEST time.

i get there late friday.

supposed to leave sunday, but get to the airport and my flight's delayed.

she calls me at the airport and talks me into coming back and staying another night.

 

she's then going to spend a few weeks visiting friends in NYC and then come see me as planned june 1.

we are still in constant communication...it's still all good.

 

she misses me.

wants to see me...

and ends up coming to see me 2 weeks early.

 

she gets here...

and even though i was worried about having her here in my day-to-day

"real" life.....it's (again) amazing...

 

i take her out to all of the places i've told her about.

i have her meet all of my friends.

we go on this exotic carribbean vacation.

everything is great.

everything is fun.

we get along amazingly.

the sex is off the charts......

 

and i know it's not just ME feeling this..

she tells me that the vacation she went on is the BEST

one she's ever taken. (and this from a woman who's been

all over the world).

she says she's never laughed so much in life...

i heard her on the phone with her friends telling them the

exact same thing....

 

the only concern that she voiced to me was that

i was giving her so much....that she could never give

me as much as i was giving her...(i have a good job and

make decent money...and i'm happy to be able to do these

things...and was having fun...)

another concern for her was that she was so dependent on me while

she was here.....transportation/etc.

 

(now one of the things in our WHOLE relationship was that she

has a total need for independence. she's afraid to lose herself in a relationship. we've NEVER said that we were in a commited relationship

even though we lived it.).

 

so....

she goes back home.

i'm crying at the airport...

but i know she's going..

and i'm thinking we're going to go back to the way it was..

 

she calls me when she gets home to let me know she made it safely.

then. a few hours later, she calls me again.

crying hysterically.

she says she couldn't sleep and didn't want to call me, but here she was

calling. she says she doesn't want to need me so much. that she wants our

relationship less intense that it used to be. that she feels guilty because she wants me to love her unconditionally...for me to be here for her when she wants me, but can't be that way for me....

she also says that it's not because there's anyone else. (i believe her. she lives her life with honesty and she would tell me if it was otherwise).

 

she says she want to start seeing life through HER eyes instead of mine.

that everything she did or didn't do was based on how she thought i would see it...would i think it was funny...or would i be upset...

 

she's also starting something REALLY important to her workwise...

and she has a deadline to complete it by Oct....

she's scared...and nervous and worried about it...

 

so we talk.

hang up.

talk.

hang up...

not arguing...just talking like we always do.

(we have the BEST communication that i have ever seen or every

experienced).

 

and now.

we're in someplace that i'm not sure where we are.

it's definitely less intense.

it's definitely NOT like it used to be.

we don't talk as much.

 

but, she says she still wants me.

still wants me in her life.

doesn't want me just as a friend...

still calls me "baby" in conversation/emails/texts.

 

i'm having SUCH a hard time with this change.

i don't know how to do it...

i cry all the time.

(i feel silly as i type this).

 

i don't "think" we're broken up.

i don't "think" we're on break.

(i asked for one last friday for 5 days and broke down

and called her after 4, because i was worried for her safety...

long story).

 

so she says things like when i was with you it became too "real".

(i didn't feel this, i was still just having fun knowing that it would end

in few weeks)

she says that even though we labeled our relationship one way, we

lived it another. (meaning that even tho we said we weren't in "real"

commited relationship...we lived it like we were).

 

so now i'm not sure what to do.

i don't know if i should (or want to do NC).

cause she STILL wants to talk to me...and text me...

and be in contact with me...and when i talk to her, it feels

the same on her part.. (for me, i think i pull back, because i'm

trying to protect myself).

but we don't talk as frequently as we used to.

i used to feel like she "needed" me...

she would call if she couldn't sleep....call if she saw something

funny on tv...etc.

 

i think a few things may have happened.

1) i think she REALLY had the best time she ever had, and it

scared her. that she felt comfortable with me...and me taking

care of her...and got deathly afraid of losing her independence.

(she would pull away to a degree after our "short" times together,

so i could see how with 6 weeks she might need to pull back more).

 

2) i think this work thing is REALLY her top priority now.

she tells me all she ever does is work. and i believe her.

i DO know she does go out and do things with friends, but i

can't blame her for that...i want her to..

and i can understand how she would want to do "real life" things

in between work and how "our time" would have to take a backseat..

 

so what do i do guys?

(i feel better just writing this).

do i give her the "space" and be less intense...

let her do all the calling/writing/texting first?

 

when she does contact me, should i be readily available?

or should i NC? or should i play games and make her

call me twice to every once i call her?

(i don't want to do this...)

 

when i told her i wanted the break, i originally said i wanted

to end it...she talked to me...and we decided on the 5 day break

and then to decide...

after the break, i told her i didn't want to do that...and she

said she was happy to hear that i didn't..

so i know that she still wants to be with me in some way...

 

SO HELP!!!!!

 

sorry that this is so long..

i hope at least someone made it thru the whole thing

and can give me some advise....

[ElektraHere]

It may be the balance of the relationship is a bit lopsided right now. Perhaps the generosity you are showing her she takes it as dependence and weakness. (on her part)

 

Perhaps that leads to the commitment fears she has. Do you plan on staying long distance for a long while? Do either one of you plan to move to the other?

[robowarrior]

If i where you id give it all up and marry her.

 

You two who love eachother completely should not be separated. Just watch out that you two don't start layering your love with conditions. You two are a perfect couple just as you two are now. Don't give a damn about what the other people in your environment think, just go for gold in your life with her.

[mikeca]

try to test the waters here, try one week of NC just to see the response you get from her, dont act like your moving on, you just had a busy week if she needs and explanation, sometimes the thought of losing you forever may make her mind up

[shellshocked]

i think you've hit something here elektra (errr..i mean...elektrahere...lol)

 

and we even discussed this to a degree.

she told me before she came when i was planning our trip to the caribbean

that she doesn't normally let herself accept things like this from people. She said that she's allowing it, because she's knows that i'm giving it freely and without strings.

 

i think even though "I" didn't feel this way...."she" felt an imbalance and started to feel obligated. i think this is another reason for the distance that she's creating.

 

it's hard for me to understand how someone can say "i had the BEST time i EVER had" and "i've never laughed so much" and "i told xxxxx that i felt like a kid when i was with you"....and then want LESS of it and not MORE. (or at least the same amount....)

 

why would you pull away after the "best time in your life"??

[shellshocked]

robowarrior - i'm not sure how to take your post.

would you please explain what you mean?

[shellshocked]

mike - i agree with what you're saying.

and i've done my share of pulling back to (more out of trying to

protect my heart, i think).

 

but it's hard.

because she's still beautiful, sweet, supportive, flirty.

but...it's just not as much.

(again, i feel silly and like i'm being a baby even typing this)

 

i went out with some friends last night.

usually when this happens, at some point, i would text her

something funny or text her when i was home to see if she

was up and wanted to talk.

well, last night i didn't text.

and i woke up this morning with some texts and emails from her.

 

and i was STILL going to try and not respond.

but she was telling about a friend of her's that went to the hospital

and she was also asking me for help with something that i promised that

i'd help her with.

 

so we texted a bit.

and emailed a bit.

but didn't talk. (which we normally would always do).

 

i'm trying to give her what she said she wanted.

and be supportive. and if she asks me a question

in a text...or says something cute or sweet and i

don't respond...i feel like a jerk...

 

it's just so onfusing to me.

[shellshocked]

I'm not sure what to do here about NC

(or even partial NC...or even temporary NC...)

 

she sent me a few texts last night before she went to bed.

telling me some things about her day and saying that she'd

talk to me tomorrow and tell me more.

(normally she would have wanted to talk to say 'goodnight').

 

"Normally", i would have texted her back immediately and

told her goodnight and see you tomorrow (or something to that effect).

 

but this time i didn't.

i waited for about 4 hours until i was ready to go to bed.

and then i texted her back. (just some trivial info about my day).

 

i wake up this morning to a text from her.

just saying good morning and that she was going to the beach.

 

again, "normally" i would have responded right away...but didn't.

in fact, i didn't respond at all....

 

so a few hours later, i get another text from her.

telling me about something good workwise that

happened for her and asking me how i am.

 

again...

i don't respond at all.

 

and a few hours later i get another text from her

telling some bad news that happened to a friend of hers...

 

now.

i respond telling her i'm sorry to hear about her friend.

i happy that she is ok.

 

she's immediately texts back...

and now again..i don't respond.

 

i feel like i'm going crazy and playing some

stupid, childish game.

 

i'm not sure if or how NC is appropriate here or if it will do anything.

she never asked for a breakup or even a break.

she only said she wanted to have things "less intense"..

(and in a way i can understand this, because we had gotten to

a point where we didn't breathe without telling the other person about

it....)

 

i guess i feel that she didn't just make it less intense, but pulled

to totally to the extreme....and i feel like ALL the control in the

relationship now is her hands...

the when/where/if/and how we communicate.

 

i feel like i don't know how to be "me" in this relationship, because

now instead of things just being easy and being able to "go with the flow"

i feel like i'm monitoring everything i do..or don't do.

 

i'm sad and confuseded and feel like i don't know

what to do or how to act.

[saltwatergirl]

Keep in mind, Im an outsider and this is only an opinion that could be totally wrong....

 

You two have never discussed or labeled this a 'serious' relationship, correct? But you have lived it that way, yet the "talk" or "committment" wasn't established verbally or tangibly. Right so far?

 

I think she is wanting YOU to make a statement. I think the reason a woman claims to need a step back during a wonderful close relationship that she is loving being in, is because she senses the other person doesn't feel the same or hasn't outright claimed this as a "big" "committed' "long term" thing. So, feeling unsure of your perceptions of it all, and due to the lack of discussion of it or your coming out and saying 'hey this is what I feel about us", she pulls away because she thinks she is treading into unchartered waters ALONE. She's afraid of her feelings because she doesn't know if they are mutual. Catch my drift?

 

She is more than likely waiting on you to initiate a talk, make a statement, proclaim your love and committment. She isnt going to because of fear of rejection, fear of being wrong, fear of you not reciprocating that, etc. So, rather than being vulnerable and telling you how she sees it and all, she steps back, and did so in a way that screams "DO YOU FEEL THIS WAY TOO. CAN WE MAKE THIS A LEGITIMATE, DUAL, COMMITTED PARTNERSHIP. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THIS AS MORE THAN WE HAVE CALLED IT. I THINK YOU ARE THE ONE FOR ME, AM I THE ONE FOR YOU? I DONT KNOW BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER SAID, SO IM GONNA PULL BACK"

 

I think this because I see her actions (pullng back) as a sign of fear, and the only thing she'd have to be fearful of is your not feeling the same. Which leads me to believe you haven't expressed something.

 

If that's the case, how do you feel about that? Can you do this? Do you feel and want the same thing out of it? Answer those questions and I think you'll know what to do.

 

This relationship needs someone to step up and declare something.

Salt

[shellshocked]

thanks for the response swg.

and i WISH that you were right, but in my case i think it's

the exact opposite of what happened.

 

she (and me to a degree) has a TOTAL fear of commitment.

she feels that when she's in a "relationship-relationship" she

can't be herself/loses her freedom/feels obligated/etc.

classic fear of engulfment thing - almost the way they say guys are.

(sorry guys).

 

for the whole time we've been together.

she has been TOTALLY into it.

calling me constantly.

telling me she misses me.

telling me she wants me.

we have THE BEST communication that i've EVER had with anyone.

she's supportive. validates my feelings.

we've been able to go places together emotionally that neither

one of us has ever been able to do.

(i think the distance helped in this area).

 

now every time that we've physically met, like i said, it's been great.

but as soon as the time together ends.

she kinda goes into this distance thing.

reminding me that "we're" both free to do whatever we want to do.

but, after a few days we're back to where we were.

 

now what i think happened this time, because the length of the

stay was so long, i think it TOTALLY brought out the engulfment thing

and she's pulling back WAY more than she ever did before.

i also think it has to do with what Elektrhere said about the imbalance of

my generousity while she was here. i TOTALLY did it with no expectations of

anything. (except maybe that it wouldn't push her away. i NEVER expected

that to happen). but i think she felt MORE obligated by it and now she has to prove to me (herself?) that she's not obligated.

 

last year one of the times we met was in aug. 3 weeks before we were supposed to get together she slept with someone. she regretted it immediately after it happened...i was upset because even though we were never "committed", it happened right before we were supposed to meet.

 

i found out months later that her therapist told her that it was a form

of self-sabatoge. that she she was trying to prove to me (and herself) that

i didn't "own" her and that she was free to do whatever she wanted to do.

(so this is something that also makes me think the pulling back is a way to show "us" that she's not mine and doesn't owe me...)

 

now.

i haven't texted her since i responded to what happened to her friend.

i got a msg from her about 20 minutes ago asking if i wanted to talk

and say goodnight, before she went to bed and to let her know.

 

even though i DID want to talk. i wrote back and said that i wanted to talk, but was in the middle of something and couldn't right now.

she wrote back and said she really wanted to talk, but understood and for me to look for her later to see if she's awake.

 

i guess the reason i did this was because i'm starting to feel like ALL our communication is her court. before, when we talked everynight it was fine.

but now, she texts me when she wants to talk before she goes to sleep.

or doesn't text before she goes to sleep if she doesn't want to talk.

so i'm feeling like i'm at her beck and call.

 

but.

here's where my guilt comes in.

a) she IS under ALOT of stress about this work thing.

it's probably the biggest thing that ever happened to her workwise.

b) there's some really BAD * * * * going on where she lives right now.

 

again.

i feel like i'm being a baby.

do you think i'm over-reacting to this?

this is the part where i get confused and i feel like i don't

know how to "act" with her.

were i start "should i text, shouldn't i text, should i respond, shouldn't i respond, am i being TOO available, am i letting everything be her way".

 

i feel like i am SERIOUSLY loosing it......

[shellshocked]

p.s.

i think tonight was the first time i EVER told

that i couldn't talk when she wanted to talk......