candice378 Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 I am having a major Mother "In law" (were not married just been dating for a year and a half) Basically: She hates me. I always had a sense of her dislike but one day when he and I were planning on moving in together with some friends, she sat me down and, with a smile on her face, called me a liar, selfish, manipulative, suggested that I'm not good enough for her son, and didn't think we would last anyway so it would be a waste to move in to the same house. I, of course, was extremely upset and since then have just avoided her. It has been easy so far because she works out of town but now my boyfriends birthday is coming up and he wants to have a dinner with the family and me. So here's the dilemma. I don't feel like I can be in the same room with this woman, at least for now. I think there would be to much tension and I wouldn't even know what to say. So I told my bf I wouldn't be going and we could do something else just us and some friends on another day. So here's my questions. Is it selfish to not go because I would be uncomfortable even though it's his birthday? Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with a mother of a bf that HATES your guts? Should I try to confront her or just let be? Any suggestions will help. I've never had to deal with anything like this before so I'm totally lost… Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 candice - selfish? No. I do suggest if you can find it from somewhere deep down inside yourself, that you be the bigger person here and try to go. Show her you're not afraid of her and she has no power over you to make you uncomfortable or whatever else.... Go and be pleasant and polite. Avoid conversation. If she engages you, humour her. Smile and nod, smile and nod. Add nothing. But I suggest going to show her you're not going away. You're not going to be run off or scared away. If you don't, and you end up getting married and being together for any length of time or having kids or something much more permanent, you're only in for more....and worse... Link to comment
Scout Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 Well, what did you respond to her when she sat you down and told you these things? Do you have any possible idea what motivated her to tell you this stuff? Had anything happened in the past with your boyfriend that he might have told her about? Link to comment
avman Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 Did you tell your boyfriend about the incident? If not, I'd suggest you start there. If you did tell him, how did he react? Link to comment
sophie274 Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 Honestly, I would try to make her like me. I'm not sure if anything provoked this outburst of hers, and maybe she is a little crazy. But I'd say men tend to be very faithful to their mothers, and it is a very bad idea to criticize her in front of him or try him to "take your side" against her. Since you don't have to see her that often (I'm assuming), just be pleasant and nice to her - resist the urge to be cold. I think if she senses some good vibes coming from you she may soften. Link to comment
candice378 Posted July 21, 2006 Author Share Posted July 21, 2006 Well other than the fact that I'm "taking her son away" They were really close when he was still living at home (before me) and she kind of used him as a serogate male in her life. So i basically ripped taht away from her. I dont see how any of the things she said about me were true and whenever i tried to respond to defend myself against her acusations she would say "well i just dont know if i believe that". So there really was no reasoning with her. And im talking simple stuff like she said she didnt think my parents were ok with us living together and when i told her i called my parents and told them and they were perfectly fine with it she was just like "well i dont think thats true".... My boyfriend was horrified about the whole thing when i told him. He stayed in shock for a few days and then wrote his mom a letter asking for her support in our living together and being together, with no response from her. He understands how hurt i was but still wanted a relationship with his mother, of course. His remedy for it was that "I'm dating you, not my mom so it doesnt matter" But i think its hard for him to understand that his mother is a part of his life and family and its going to be hard to deal with that... Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 Candice - if there's any consolation here it's that things will get better and easier with time. The longer you're around the easier it will be for her to adjust and for you to find your place and settle into whatever relationship the two of you are to have. (you and her) Link to comment
candice378 Posted July 21, 2006 Author Share Posted July 21, 2006 Maybe i need tips on how to be likable because i spent this whole time before this trying to be nice and have her like me Link to comment
Scout Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 That's too bad. Hard situation for your boyfriend for sure, because no matter how difficult his mother is, he won't ever cut her out of his life. And the only way this relationship is going to work is if you can accept that, and even then, it's still going to be hard at times for both of you. I guess I would just try to take the higher road, and don't prove to her that you are a block to her relationship with her son. Even if it's not fair and seems like you're not getting anything in return. The reality is, you will be getting something in return: appreciation, if mostly unspoken, from your boyfriend that you love him enough to stay neutral about his mom, and one day, she probably will thaw a little and regret what she said. I guess bottom line, this about her, not you. As in, it's a reflection on her, not you. But no matter how at fault she is, your boyfriend is never going to cut her out, so just be prepared to deal with that and not ask him to. Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 dude, it's not YOU! That's my point. It's totally her. You need to show her that you're not interested in her running you off or making you nervous or QUESTIONING yourself. And your bf is right, to an extent. HE likes you and that's most of what should matter. SHE will get used to it. Link to comment
flower99 Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 no your not being selfish. but if you do plan on staying with this man you may as well start being around her more, she will have to get used to it. Be yourself, if she doesn't like it, that's something she will have to deal with it. you don't need her approval - he is with you without her approval already. I must say I'm impressed with your bf response, have you seen the mother since? If not maybe this time she will make an attempt to be supportive (or at least shut her mouth) have you seen the movie monster inlaw? this sounds like it. But in the end you realize it's NOT YOU! it's her attempting to adjust Link to comment
xprincessbugx Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 Maybe if you did spend more time around her she might change her mind about you. Obviously she's protective over her son, a little too protective but deep down she just wants the best for him. I'd just be around her more and do more family things. Good luck, tough situation you are in. Link to comment
candice378 Posted July 21, 2006 Author Share Posted July 21, 2006 Wow, this is all very helpfull and fast! I guess i will just try to prepare myself to be ok with being in the same room with her for a while...One more thing What should i say if she does try to talk to me or wrose, brings it up?? Should i just tell her its not a good time for something like that? I really am not ready for confruntation on the subject of any sort so i would love to avoid it for a little while longer Link to comment
perfectliljewel Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 if you ask me she is the selfish one. my best friends mom and i do not get along at all, but for my best friend i just smile and say yes ma'am and go about my buissness. however i will not lie and tell you i have never defended myself, i have, but i try to do it politely. moms can be very protective of there sons, much like fathers with there baby girls. maybe just say to her something like this, "Mrs. whatever her last name is, im very sorry if i have done anything to hurt your feelings in anyway. i would like it if we could put it all behind us, if not for me then for your son. i would like very much for us to have a good relashionship and be happy TOGETHER." try something like that, if that doesnt work then hit her upside the head with a 2x4 good luck Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 What should i say if she does try to talk to me or wrose, brings it up?? Should i just tell her its not a good time for something like that? I really am not ready for confruntation on the subject of any sort so i would love to avoid it for a little while longer In my opinion Candice, yes. You SHOULD say that to her. You should defintiely stand your ground now while you've got the chance. The two of you may never get on but she will come to respect you and your relationship with her son, if you show her that you respect her and yourself. Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 She'd probably do the same thing with any girl that was dating her son. Not really fair to you to be with a guy who comes with that kind of baggage and hardship for you to bear. Even though he may be nice to you, this is a major piece of baggage, do you want to deal with it? Did he tell his mother he would not stand for her treating you badly? Do you feel that you deserve him to stand up for you? Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 Candice I think you're dealing with this situation the wrong way! You attend the party and you act as though nothing happened. You are very polite to her. You ask her how she is etc., in front of your boyfriend so he see that you are making an effort. Whatever you do DON'T let her see she's winning. She sounds like the type of person who gets a buzz out of getting rid of her sons girlfriends. I wonder how many she's frightened off in the past? Remember, it's not his Mother you'd be marrying, it's him. Is he worth it? If the answer is yes then be stubborn. Let her look bad in front of her son. He's the one who should be dealing with her over this issue. If he loves you then he'll turn around to her at some stage and say, 'If you don't make an effort to get on with 'Candice' then you'll never see me again or any future grandchildren.' This should shock her into reality! Remember, 'sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind.' Stand your ground! Good luck. Keep us informed. Link to comment
perfectliljewel Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 Like i said i have a friend whos mom is like this. My other piece of advice is, DO NOT KISS HER BUTT! If you do then she will notice and she will countinue to do this. Be polite but dont go out of your way to please her. Do not bend over backwards. Link to comment
Scout Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 If he loves you then he'll turn around to her at some stage and say, 'If you don't make an effort to get on with 'Candice' then you'll never see me again or any future grandchildren.' This should shock her into reality! Tigris, let me just say that I agreed with every bit of your advice - loved what you suggested about how she should act at the party - except for this last bit that I am quoting above. Should she ever give an ultimatum like this to him, it will effectively end their relationship. Maybe not right away, but eventually it will. His mom may be a witch, but she's his mom. And few people will pick a parent over a girlfriend/boyfriend. I say if her boyfriend is truly a golden guy and worth it, she should just chin up and bear it, act in the manner you suggest at the first part of your post, and never on her part put him in the middle. That will make him stand up for her, not an ultimatum. EDIT: In re-reading your post, Tigris, maybe that's what you meant, too. However, I don't want her to start thinking if he doesn't stick up for her, it means he doesn't love her. Sorry, haven't had my coffee yet today. Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 Yeah, I don't know.... I kind of think OP should just get out and date a guy that doesn't come with built in abuse for her to have to put up with. Link to comment
Tigris Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 Scout if you read that quote again you'll discover that it wasn't his girlfriend I was on about. It's him with his Mother. Actually I told my parents, 'If you don't accept 'Dave' then you'll never see me again!' This was after my divorce to my first husband. The decision was their's because they knew I meant it! What they didn't know was my first husband that they both liked was starting to hit me. If parents love you then they should respect your wishes. As far as I'm concerned they have a right to their own opinions, however, they still have no right to change your mind when you love someone. My family know I'm either 100% for something or 0% for it and I've been like this all my life. In November I told my family that my 2nd husband and I were getting a divorce anfter 14 years of marriage. In February this year I told my father I was in love with a woman. His answer was, 'It's your life you do with it what you want.' He realises how lonely life is as a widower. He still can't accept it and it happened 6 years ago. He doesn't want a lonely life for me. Link to comment
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