What do you think of this?

[saltwatergirl]

Well he's already chosen to spend tonight helping gran rather than spend with her, then he's now chosen to spend this coming weekend with his mommy. I can see a pattern, can you?

 

And actually, tomorrow getting supplies and this weekend doing the building.

 

Salt

[melrich]

Well he's already chosen to spend tonight helping gran rather than spend with her

 

No, No, No...he was never going to spend the night with her. You've lost the plot. Go back to the first post!!

 

If a boy can't take out a weekend to help his dear old mom build a patio (not exactly a recurring project) for fear of upsetting his g/f...then I think our priorities have gotten a little haywire.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

No, No, No...he was never going to spend the night with her. You've lost the plot. Go back to the first post!!

 

If a boy can't take out a weekend to help his dear old mom build a patio (not exactly a recurring project) for fear of upsetting his g/f...then I think our priorities have gotten a little haywire.

 

Somebody's rationalizing.....

[melrich]

Of course he knows this, and he says he doesnt place me second and spends the majority of his free time with me--which is about 3 nights a week..not that much...

 

That's OK by me. How long you been together again?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

And actually, tomorrow getting supplies and this weekend doing the building.

 

Salt

 

True, True.....

 

Yeah, I think she should let it slide for this one week, (sigh...) AND.. weekEND, but then after that if this keeps up....she should look out for someone a little more ready to cut the ol' apron strings.

 

By the way....apron strings don't always apply only to one's mother. It could be any of the people they are so entangled in that they can't prioritize their significant other.

[melrich]

Hey MJMJ, I thought I better get some history here. You have started 6 threads here the past 3 months. Everyone has been somewhat similar to this. Have you actually found anything yet?

[saltwatergirl]

It isn't right to pencil your girlfriend in for 3 nights a week, but then when anything else comes up, you up and go do that. I mean that really is kind of, i dont know, taking her for granted.

 

What is wrong with "sorry Im spending that day with MJMJ because these are the only days I can spend with her".

 

She said she has accepted that his family will come first or he will leave her. Come on. That isnt how things are supposed to go.

 

Salt

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

It isn't right to pencil your girlfriend in for 3 nights a week, but then when anything else comes up, you up and go do that. I mean that really is kind of, i dont know, taking her for granted.

 

What is wrong with "sorry Im spending that day with MJMJ because these are the only days I can spend with her".

 

She said she has accepted that his family will come first or he will leave her. Come on. That isnt how things are supposed to go.

 

Salt

 

I agree with that 100%!!

[MJMJ]

Hi

 

He has good qualities and of course bad ones..his brother will come first, sister, mother, etc..i just know--family will be his priority. Yes, if i really needed him--some sort of emergency--i feel he would be there--but that shouldn't be a question--if someone needs you who is in some sort of emotional or physical distress--they should be there if they love you. He actually said to me once--if you had to cho

 

Oh--and what someone wrote about sunday is what i go through--i rarely ever see him on sunday---he has all these things he apparently needs to do at his mother's house--such as cut the grass which needs to be done every week and takes a couple of hours--and then stuff for his car--b/c its old, classic..and usually something will need to be fixed or altered.

I told him--i have actually felt guilty if i was at his apartment past noon on sunday b/c he has all these things he needs to do..and he says he can't help it--and he says its not like he can say to his mother--cut your own grass.

I said i hate the fact we dont do anything during the day--i get out of work at 7:30 so its partially my schedule BUT on saturday when he gets out of work--he can easily just come straight from there and pick me up(i live about 45 minutes away so its not close) But he has never offered that until i complained saying i need more time with you. So 2 sundays ago--we spent the whole day together and i'm assuming this will happen about once every 2 months which i guess is a start.

[coollady1957]

Hey MJMJ, I thought I better get some history here. You have started 6 threads here the past 3 months. Everyone has been somewhat similar to this. Have you actually found anything yet?

 

I just read through this entire thread. Wow, a ton of activity here !! I just read back on the other threads that Melrich mentioned and,,,,,,,,, I do not have any comment to post actually at this time. I will just be anxious to find out what went on tonight.

[saltwatergirl]

I didnt necessarily mean an emergency, but if you were to say, hey next Sunday (since this is reserved for family) I want to go to ________, would he go? On the flip, if his mom said, hey next Saturday (since this is reserved for you) I want you to ____________, would he go?

 

If the answer is No to the first and Yes to the second, you have a problem.

 

Salt

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

MJMJ,

 

Maybe you should practice letting him have...no...GIVING HIM, more space, and putting him a little lower on your priority list. Take up hobbies...however boring seem unbalanced in this relationship.

 

A GOOD read: The Dance of Intimacy.

 

It would be very good for you to read now I think.

[MJMJ]

Ok--is this weird? lol sorry, i like input

 

he called me on his way home from his brother's shop--when he was approaching his house(his mother's house too) he said ok--time to go, i will talk to you tomorrow--and i said you dont wanna talk to me longer especially b/c u wont be seeing me tomorrow--just trying to joke around a little you know...and he says its 1:30 in the morning lady--in a nice way....

We continue talking and i ask him if he is inside--he says no--he is in his car still--he doesnt wanna walk in talking on the phone b/c he thinks his sister is sleeping on the couch--and i said well couldnt you put me on hold while you go to your room--and he says no b/c he doesnt have ac in his room so he will be sleeping in another room that has a couch.

And i kind of pushed it saying--why wont you just go in--and he said jesus, what are you arguing about, do you want me to get out, i will get out..and i just said i am not arguing, forget it, i go on saying i dont feel too well(allergies) and we suddenly get disconnected--he calls me back like a minute or later and just continue with the convo--i didnt think to ask what happened...and he said he still wasnt inside the front door yet..and we pretty much ended the convo nicely....

 

Now--should i be paranoid into thinking he was meeting someone else at 2 am?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

No, I doubt it was that.

 

But seriously, give him space. For your own good. Think of it this way: How can he miss you if you are always at his elbow?

[friscodj]

Accept he's a great guy and enjoy him. If he proves us wrong then so be it but not on all the evidence we have gathered here.

 

+1 to this...

[friscodj]

MJMJ,

 

Maybe you should practice letting him have...no...GIVING HIM, more space, and putting him a little lower on your priority list. Take up hobbies...however boring seem unbalanced in this relationship.

 

+1 to this too...

[MJMJ]

OK--and what do you mean by that--dont see him every weekend? then we are spending less time together and i dont think thats a great thing--we dont see each other every night--we should be missing each other already..and i do try the not calling a lot or not returning calls fast..he does say something but he doesnt over react..and if i said on a thursday--i have this and this to do, cant see you..he wouldnt make a big deal out of it..i once asked him why he seems indifferent..and he says its not indifference, he just doesnt assume i am going anywhere--like ok, we'll see each other the next day or the next day..he doesnt think i am just gonna disappear so he is fine with that kind of space like if i have something to do. We go 4 days without seeing each other..how much more space can i give? Maybe its partially b/c we dont live exactly close and its a lot of driving--although recently we compromised where i would take the train sometimes to make it a little easier--thats probably a way to see him more--b/c it is a lot of driving to do days in a row.

Been together for over a year by the way.

 

Maybe in that way he is more independent b/c i think this is what he is used to..and it may not be a horrible thing, just hard to break. I am more of a needy person with that--i like to spend a lot of time with a b/f.

 

 

Was i wrong about thinking that when he wouldnt go inside b/c we were on the phone?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

What I'm saying, is that yes, you *let him have* space. But you should start *giving* him space. IE, whether he wants it or not.

 

At this point you are asking for more and the more you ask the more he runs away. Turn the tables a bit.

[saltwatergirl]

Was i wrong about thinking that when he wouldnt go inside b/c we were on the phone?

 

Yes. You were. I think it's a stretch to suspect that based on that he is meeting someone at 2AM.

 

I guess if you really wanted to you make this fit your mind, you could create a scenario such as: well he had all this stuff going on tonite, first going to grandma's, then not, then going to take garbage to a shop, then forgot to call, then at 2am he finally arrives somewhere and has to hang up, maybe his plans with someone else got shifted/delayed/cancelled and then were back on, and he is just now arriving there, which is why he had to hang up before entering.

 

See how easy it is to distort reality?

 

This is what I meant by "looking for things & finding them".

 

He is at home, its 2am, he's tired because he's been hauling garbage to a shop. Relax for now.

 

Salt

[friscodj]

I agree. You seem to be waaaaay too wrapped up in details here which leads me to believe you need some space as well.

 

I would also like to address the source of your paranoia. Where do you think it comes from?

[MJMJ]

Here is the thing though--b.c he is not used to spending that amount of time with a girl--do you really think me pulling back is going to do anything? i have a feeling he would be fine with it--he would do his thing sunday without hearing me saying we should spend some time together.

 

Or what--take a day away from when we see each other--what will this ultimately do? He is not the type of guy who is gonna say--no lets spend more time together--i think he enjoy his independence and will be able to do more things for his mother, house etc.

 

Of course he would notice it and might say something--maybe i do need to act more non chalant if this stuff like the patio comes up but the thing is--i dont think it will change anything b/c this is what he is used to--if your family needs something, they need something--he isnt gonna say to himself..how come she didnt complain? Maybe he might a little but he will just think ok--she is over the arguing of lets spend more time together and thats about it...he has never offered to spend a sunday together until i argued about it..i guess he thought the time together was enough.

 

But my question about him staying in his car while we talked, him getting disconnected and then calling me back a minute later..shouldnt be bothered worrying about it??

[MJMJ]

didnt mean to bold it and didnt see people responding to that question til now

[saltwatergirl]

Well pulling back and giving space isn't being suggested to CHANGE him or his behavior so much as it is to get yourself unwrapped and find other things to do so that your mind isnt obsessing around why he isnt here today or tomorrow or why you only see him X number of days a week, and so forth. Something to occupy your mind and time. It isnt about changing him, MJ, it's about addressing your own need for his time and presense (if you feel it is excessive). It may not be, in which case you 2 are just incompatable on that front.

 

Salt

[MJMJ]

maybe i will join the gym-even though i work out at home..i get distracted by him easily--and he is very care free and doesnt let anything bother him

 

So i was wrong for that phone and going inside thing?--he got mad at me and said this is what i am talking about--you asking me the same question over and over

[melrich]

So i was wrong for that phone and going inside thing?--he got mad at me and said this is what i am talking about--you asking me the same question over and over

 

No one likes to feel interrogated or questioned or to be asked to justify themselves.

 

I agree with the others. You really need to back off the guy a bit.