Just wanted to get some insight!

[theproman23]

OK, so she called me today, made small talk for about 15 mins and I was getting bored so I told her I had to go eat dinner and so she stops and says there was a point for the call. She says I called to see if I can come by to see you. And I asked her what time and she says after work, which is around 5 so I told her I am going to dinner with my friend. But I did tell her to give me a call and we'll see. I don't really want to see her but it just came out. How do I go about not seeing her by not being rude? I understand I don't owe her anything but I don't want to be a d*ck either, it's not me. I could tell she found it kinda weird that I ended the phone call that quickly, we used to take for hours on the phone so when I ended it after 15 mins I could tell it caught her off guard a little, but the truth is I had nothing to talk about and she's was reverting to let me do all the talking which gets boring.

 

So any opinions or suggestions?

[NJRon]

My internet access is sporadic, so sorry it took so long to see this. I think you did fine. If there's no reason to have a long conversation, then that's fine.

[salmonhead_uk]

Hey proman, hope you don't mind me butting in as NJRon is doing such a great job. I just want to forward a different idea. I dont want you to beat yourself up because you are gonna do what you're gonna do and you will learn at your own pace. But personally, stay away from her. This will or could go on and on with her getting to have you there at the ready for when she's needing her insecure ego massaged and you worrying and fretting. It's so difficult - I did it for the first couple of months after break up. But then something clicked in my head and I realised I was more important than my ex. He had dumped me. My life is still right here, and now because i felt the same after a few calls (bored, without the relationship aspect there wasn't much friendship, and great relationships require being great friends, I wasn't that attracted to him, it was attention and safety I missed etc., and going it alone is scarey at times) but I've stopped it. I had to. I wanted to. You will get to a place where you want to as well, and I think you need to force yourself there.

 

What is the point of letting her go away thinking, "i can feel valid in my decision, he can't be that hurt, I will smile and feel good about myself" because you allowed her to still be a part of your life? What do you get out of this? You end feeling like hell, second guessing her, yourself, where you should go, how you should sound (I say this cos I've done it, not trying to suggest I'm any better). It's not on. What she is doing is not on.

It seems to be the tendency that women dump men and then want affection back, want to be wanted again, and push them into a horrid situation that messes with their minds. Men (generalising, dont go mad guys) tend to be done with it and stay done. They dont drag men through hell with false needs for attention (except mine...but I'm wise to it).

You deserve way better than her. all this care and affection you obviously have within you, all these people who miss you at your old work and your pals, and she DISSES you! That's not a friend. That's just bitter and self-obsessed. She wants to be the victim as has been said before.

 

You don't want to text this person. you dont want to call her. For now because it only valids her belief that she is right to have you in her life however she chooses, and hopefully later because the rose-tinted ex glasses will fall off and you'll see that she isn't the "one". You're 22, I'm 23, Im nervous I'll never find anyone else, but I'd rather that than pamper my ex's ego.

 

She denied you had a relationship?! You want to hang and watch films with this person? NO! You don't. Not if you are being rational.

It kills, it hurts, I know it does. My ex of a year ago (had been going out for 2 years) hurt me by cheating. I've never seen him again. I KILLED. But I stayed away. Totally. I never answered his calls...if he wanted me how I had wanted him he'd be leaving voicemails saying "I want to get back with you" and I could deal with that then. but I didn't have to be on beck and call for him, and you dont for her hun. You really dont.

 

The ringing phone with the ex's number is a killer...I can ignore the phone if it's a friend i dont wanna talk to cos im busy, or a relative, but the flashing phone with their name on it - WELL the heart rate increases, you wonder, you worry, you try and stay cool you try and say the things that make you sound like you dont care. But you DO. And for as long as you do, that person is out of bounds. stay away. She is not your friend. She is not good for you. She is done. And a year down the line I can honestly say that guy doesn't bother me now. I couldn't care less if he called or not. Because I let the wound heal. You keep ripping it open you will lose your dignity and who will help you? She won't! She's the bloody cause!

 

So...please, get it into your head that you must stay away. Dont answer the calls, or emails, unless you hear what you wanna hear (and in this case I think you already know it's over don't you?).

 

We are all here suffering too. But it dies gradually if you make a DECISION. The decision is...there is more to life than worrying about her sorry * * *.

Take care hun, hope that didn't sound rude. I think you are doing great but your falling into her trap and you MUST extricate yourself, for you, for the next girl that is perfect and talks politics...

 

Trust me.

[theproman23]

you're absoltuly right with every word you said. I thought about it and I do notice myself caring for her again. But when I thought what I would say to her, I realized I don't want her back in a relationship. I've realized I deserve better than her. I wanted to call her up and say listen I don't think I am ready to have a friendship without a relationship yet but that would be lying cause I don't want a realtionship with her anymore. I am feeling comfortable being friends. May be I just convinced myself that's all that is as this is the first time I am going through anything like this. She called me again last night because she got in to a fight with her brother and wanted to get my opinion weather she was wrong. I am doing a pretty good job just having her in my life only a small degree compared to before. I know I have to be selfish and think about myself but I can't help think about how she has no friends and desperatly needs one. I know it's not my problem anymore and she hurt me but being a decent person that I am, I can't completely no matter how much I try and see the logic in doing so, ignore her and let her suffer. I know I've suffered tremendously but I've got great people on this forum and some amazing friends and family who listen to me and help me cope. She has no friends at all, the few mutual ones that we do have together have started to dislike her not because of what happened but because they've been having to deal with her self pity issues as well.

 

May be I am just an idiot for feeling so but I can't in the right mind walk away and let her rott. I see all the logic in ignoring her and letting myself heal, which I've done so far. I am going to take some and think about what I want and what I should do. Thank you for all the great suggestions, I truly feeling these suggestions come out care and loving and not just rambling. This place has been a great help for me and the people a great gift. THANK YOU!!

[salmonhead_uk]

That's cool then.

Just be careful. Really careful. You can't pick up the pieces for her now. I had a friend like this, a female friend, and to be honest, there are usually reasons why people can't deal with those types, they will turn, they will wear you out, and you can't, CANNOT, save everyone in this world. But i think it shows real beauty in your soul for trying (oh, i sound like a hippy!)

Take care, keep posting, even if you feel you are repeating yourself, this place is fantastic for helping.

Try and keep smiling chick

x

[theproman23]

The last few days have been kinda tough. Yesterday I was without power for 11 hours and my friends were busy so I was stuck at home. I contemplated for hours to call my ex but I ended up just sitting at home and dealing with it. I dunno what's going on, hopefully the next few days will be better. And oh yeah today is exactly 1 month since i got dumped and I think it has something to do with the missing her part.

[NJRon]

I'm sure it does. It sucks to be without power. i haven't had TV or internet at home for two weeks now, and it is annoying as heck. I just broke up with my girlfriend Friday night and it was pretty lonely on Saturday and Sunday, but I managed ot get out to a park for a little while and read and en;joy the sun.

 

Are you able to get outside at all or are you stuck in the house?

[theproman23]

I am able to get outside, but I can't do anything athletic due to my surgery. My real way of relaxing is going to the golf dome and hitting a bucket but I am not allowed to do that. I also play raquetball which really helps and I can't do that either. Sorry to hear about your breakup. Hope you're doing ok. Please let me know if I can help in someway, it was and it is great to have you help me through mine.

[NJRon]

Well, since you can't relax in the usual way, it may be time to try some other ways. You never know, they may turn out to be just as enjoyable. I started trying entirely new things after a serious breakup about a year ago. Things I had never thought to do. Some things just didn't seem to work, others I found very enjoyable. It broadened my appreciation.

 

Sometimes, when you are unable to pursue that which is comfortable and known, it's the universe's way of telling you that it's time to try something new. Take advantage of the opportunity

 

Thanks for the support. I think things are going to be fine. If not, I'm sure I will be making plenty of use of this here community

[theproman23]

Well I found a new thing for now, I've always wanted to learn how to play the guitar so I've started to teach myself how to play with the guitar I bought like 2 months ago. It was so relaxing! Also I am going to dinner with my ex on thu, I initiated it but never thought she would be so forthcoming with it, I texted her and asked her if she wanted to go to dinner with me sometime this weeks and she replied telling me to call her when I want to go, which I probably was'nt going to do. Around 5 PM she sent me a text asking me if wed was ok and I replied asking if thu was ok so now we're going to dinner on thu. I want to see if I am strong enough to handle this and if I can't I figured I would tell her I need more time. This is the first time I am going through this whole being friends thing and being the person who likes challenges I want to see how I handle this. May be I am being selfish or stupid but I need to do this to experience something like this myself, I am all about experience and my lifelong motto has been "no experience is a worthless one" because you learn from each and everyone no matter what. Any thoughts?

[theproman23]

OK so there is this cute blonde who caught my eye at the local convenient store. I would really like to ask her our just for a friendly date but don't really know how to approach it. Ive only seen her twice or see but she's cute and seems nice. Since I've never really talked to her and i've only talked to her when she cashed me out, the usual thank you and have a nice day I feel weird just asking her out. Is that normal? and any suggestions on how I can approach the situation? Oh also I am not sure if she's over 18, she looks to be about 19 so how do I even approach that? I mean about finiding about how old she is?

[NJRon]

For your ex, I am in the same boat, but rveersed. She offered friendship to me and I am happy to oblige. However, I made it clear that I didn't want to hurt her if she can't let go. She promised to tell me that she would be honest with me about her feelings and I need to trust her on that. So, I am giving a go. She really is too great of a person to just cast off, especially since there was nothing bad about our relationship.

 

As for the girl in the store. Next time you see her, introduce yourself. You haven't done that yet. Ask her name. You don't need to go for the kill yet, but you can at least show some insterest. When you can think of something fun to dao... go "Hey . I was thinking of doing XXX. Would you like to come with me?" Or something to that effect. If you can't place the age thing, well, if she says yes, you can find out on the date. There's nothing illegal about accidentally taking a 17 year old to dinner. And, the worst that happens is you spend a little money and have a night out.

 

Just my opinion. At my age, I have a hard time telling how old people are. I tend to skirt around it by asking about work/school... hobbies... get a feel for it. It tends to come out.

[theproman23]

Sounds like a plan, I go there a few times a week so may be i'll get to catch her sometime. The only that sucks is it's usually busy there and someone else is always working the counter with her. But thank you for the pointers.

 

Also my ex was my first kiss and my first gf, for some reason I feel like I want to tell her that, I don't really know what I want to get out of it but I feel like she needs to know that. Is it a bad idea telling her that?

[NJRon]

Yes... bad idea. By saying something like that you are admitting she has the "Power of the First"... don't do that. That's your secret. keep in mind, you are being friendly.. not intimate. Save those things for intimate relationships.

[theproman23]

I am a bit scared, I've been dreaming about her for the past 2 days, like we're going out. It's freaking me out a bit. In my dreams we're kissing and hugging and everything and it ends with her saying we're just friends.

[NJRon]

Dreams like that are pretty normal. Don't let it get to you.

[theproman23]

So I went in to the bank today and I took them some cake. I was talking to my buddy that just got hired and he had to step away for a second but he was only 4 feet away, and my ex came over and started making small talk and I asked her to get my buddy after like 10 seconds, she kinda pouted and walked away. I know she was pissed that I did'nt really want to talk to her but I found it to be very funny.

[theproman23]

i've been having these feelings of wanting to get back with my ex again. I really do miss her but I am confused as to what I want. I feel very lonely which might be a good reason why I am feeling this way. I go back to work next week and I really hope I can stay busy enough to not feel this way. She wants to be friends but I definetly want more than that. I am thinking of giving her a sort of ultimatium and let her decided. I want to make clear to her that I still have these feelings for her and that if she wants me in her life she's going to have to accept it and continue a relationship or to just say our goodbyes and part our separate ways forever. I don't know if I am strong enough to make this sort of a ultamatium cause I really do want her in my life in some way.

[justanotherniceguy]

I am in the same boat...and I have been drinking to decide...to be honest my whole family and friends tell me she does not deserve me for what I have given her and done for her and her family...

[theproman23]

Well I just got back from dinner with her. I was afraid we wer'nt going to be able to talk and that it would be akward but the funny part was we were both talking and joking around like we used when we were going out. It was great to be able to be blunt with her about a few things. I used to walk on egg shells when it came to sensitive subjects but tonight I said what I felt and I think she was a little taken by it and surprised. Honestly I had a good time.

 

I remember the first time we talked after we broke up I asked her to read this book for me about Nice guys and why they get taken advantage of and when I brought up the idea she really did'nt want to and today we went to barnes and nobles after dinner and she asked me what the book was and was gonna buy it which was kinda of nice. There were many times I bit my tongue tonight and did'nt say what I was feeling like I used to about missing her and how I had fun. I made it a point not to tell her I missed her, that I had fun hanging out with her and talking to her and that we should do it again. When we went out that's all I used to say to her, to assure her and i guess myself, that we were havng fun and that this should last but I battled myself not to say stuff like that tonight which I think was a good decision.

 

The best part of the night was when I was driving her home and my neck was really stiff so I cracked it and she commented with the word "gross!" and I responded with "umm Whatever!" and she stared me down like she coudl'nt believe I just said something back to her. When we went out I would make an effort to please her in everyway and I think when she heard me respond with "umm Whatever!" to something she did'nt like she was surprised.

 

But all in all I still do like her but I was ok with hanging out with her tonight. I told myself if I do want her back I might as well build a good friendship and then see what happeneds. And I also realized that I've some what moved on as I am thinking about asking other people out and I figured if I was really that attached to my ex, being the person I am, I would be beating myself up for being interested in another person which I m not doing now.

 

Also, when I dropped her off it did get a little awkward. My usual comments were this was fun and going in for a hug or a kiss. Since I decided not to give her validation that I missed her I did'nt say that and there was a sort of silence and since I did'nt hug or kiss her there was an even longer silence and she looked for her house keys which she's never done before in my car, and I felt like she was waiting for me to hug her but I did'nt, she got out and said thanx for driving and that's it.

 

Any suggestions or comments would be much appreciated.