Dating a good friends ex

[permasmile]

I have been struggling with this situation for the past couple weeks. One of my good friends dated a girl for 4 years. They broke up 2 years ago and he is now getting married in a month. He has never spoken to her since and he is somewhat immature so I doubt he ever will again.

 

I have seen her out on the town a few times since they broke up as we are now both single. My friend is a couple years older and obviously is engaged so he doesn't go out as often. I always thought this girl was great.....attractive, full of energy, good conversationlist etc. I never looked at her in a "romantic" sense for obvious reasons. Well two weekends ago we were hanging out together as we ran into each other at the bar. I noticed she was being flirtatious and eventually she says a few things about how she is attracted to me, always though I was cute etc. Several drinks later she says she wants to come home with me. At the time this seems like a great idea.

 

We both agreed that noone could find out about what happened. That it could put my friendship at risk. She said there was nothing wrong with staying touch and we exchanged emails and phone #s. Throughout the week she messaged me a few times....all fairly innocent with a hint of flirtation sometimes. So, Saturday night rolls around and we find ourselves in the exact same situation. Problem is that she clearly had feelings for me, and I also am interested in her. We have great chemistry, but I can't help but feel sad about the situation. We can't just keep going at it in secret, but I also value my friendship with my pal too much to put it at risk.

 

At this point I feel as though I need to shove my feelings for her aside and cut of any contact that extends beyond friendship. A part of me though wants to find a way to be able to make it work without upsetting my friend though I am not sure if that is possible.

 

Ultimately, I would love to hear some advice or if anyone has been in a similar situation. Thanks all.

[lonestar_80]

Ask your friend what he thinks about it. Ask him if he would care if one of his friends dated his ex. I have heard of a girl that dated a guy for a while then they broke up and a few years later she dated his best friend and they got married. Her ex already moved on.

 

If he has not talked to her in two years and is about to get married, I don't think he should care but you never know.Also, make sure this girl really likes you and is not using you just to get back at him.

[NJRon]

It's been 2 years and he is about to get married. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you are doing and, to keep it secret, would be more duplicitous than just bringing it out in the open.

[friscodj]

If your buddy is getting married, I'd say game on with this chick. How good of friends are you guys? If you are really close, it may get weird if the subject of your relationship with her comes up in conversation though...and details come out, etc.

 

But the way to solve this problem is to talk to your buddy. Tell him you have feelings for this lady, want to pursue something more than friendship with her, and want to know how he feels about it. Ask for the straight story too...and no need to bring up what has already happened between you two...

[tylercdurden2004]

Just be careful she isnt using you to get back at him if the break up was not at all amicable. Other wise ask him outright what he thinks and decide whether you value the friendship or the opportunity to date a great girl, more.

[permasmile]

Thanks all. I know she isn't doing this to get back at him. Well, I guess you can't ever say for sure, but I am fairly good at reading people and social situations so I am confident that is not the case.

 

The fact he is getting married makes the logical side of me think it should be fine. However, it could anger him and make things awkward. I have a number of "circles" of friends, and he was the first I met in one particular group of friends I hang out with, so if things between us turned sour than it may hurt other friendships as well.

 

I think I am gonna try to find a casual way to bring it up to see his reaction. Not by telling him what has happened but in more of a "what if" scenario. Also, I will play it by ear with this girl. If things keep developing and/or feelings continue to develop than at that point I may have to take the plunge. Otherwise it may not be worth risking anything.

[friscodj]

I think I am gonna try to find a casual way to bring it up to see his reaction. Not by telling him what has happened but in more of a "what if" scenario.

 

I would say something like, "I ran into the other day and we got to talking. You know, I really feel something between us more than friendship. How do you feel about that?"

 

Keep it kind of open-ended like that, that way you can discern his true feelings on the matter by what he says, how he says it, and what direction he takes your question.

[permasmile]

I would say something like, "I ran into the other day and we got to talking. You know, I really feel something between us more than friendship. How do you feel about that?"

 

Keep it kind of open-ended like that, that way you can discern his true feelings on the matter by what he says, how he says it, and what direction he takes your question.

 

So you wouldn't say "I had crazy monkey sex with your ex-gf and wouldn't mind doin it again.....that cool?"

 

Thanks for the tip.

[friscodj]

So you wouldn't say "I had crazy monkey sex with your ex-gf and wouldn't mind doin it again.....that cool?"

 

Thanks for the tip.

 

Oh man you're killing me!

[brando]

Just date her already. So waht if your friend is upset, he will get over it.

 

It is obvious from what you wrote that you two seem to be attracted to eachother, go for it.

 

Your friend is to caught up in wedding plans, honeymoons, and oh yeah china patterns..

 

 

[permasmile]

 

Your friend is to caught up in wedding plans, honeymoons, and oh yeah china patterns..

 

 

 

LOL. Don't forget that he also just finished his basement and I "have got to see it!"

 

I definitely expected more people to see this as being wrong or as though she was "off limits", but I guess this ain't that bad.

[tylercdurden2004]

So you wouldn't say "I had crazy monkey sex with your ex-gf and wouldn't mind doin it again.....that cool?"

 

Thanks for the tip.

 

Lying is never conducive to a good relationship!

[lonestar_80]

I definitely expected more people to see this as being wrong or as though she was "off limits", but I guess this ain't that bad.

 

It would have been different if they had just broken up or if he still had feelings for her. But this guy has not talked to her in two years. So he must not care anything about her at all.

 

Plus, I think you should go with the "what if question". Most people are too smart to fall for the "Oh I bumped into so and so story". He will know right away you have already banged his ex or that you want to bang his ex.

[permasmile]

Going golfing with my buddy tomorrow (just him and I) so I think I will take the route of "how would you feel if a friend of yours dated an ex". We shall see how it goes.

[NJRon]

You could always really slide it by him and say, "Buddy, I got in an argument with a friend about dating exes..." hehe