Dysfunctional Family Woes

[awalls37]

My story is pretty complicated, but I feel that it is important for me to cut family ties, in a sense. Right now, I haven't called or seen my parents since last November, but had been e-mailing them every week. I have decided to stop all communications for a while. My older brother's wedding reception is in October, but after that, I don't plan to go home for the holidays or anytime soon after.

 

I have been seeing a therapist now for over a month, which has been helping. Most of what I feel is complete anger for what I went through up until two years ago, when I decided to move from home in Missouri to the Washington, DC area for my career (and the love of my life).

 

I'll try to keep this brief...it wasn't until a year ago that I was utterly shocked with the notion that my family was not only dysfunctional, but completely toxic and unhealthy. I read this book called, "Overcoming Toxic Families," which has changed my life forever...it was exactly about my life!

 

What I go through now is part of post traumatic stress, I still have recurring nightmares of my mom, the things she did. Everything falls under severe emotional abuse, but I also experienced minor physical abuse as a small child. She was always criticized and called me names my entire life. All I remember of her was the yelling...yelling about everything and nothing. Yelling at me like a bad child. I'm never pretty enough, smart enough, hard working enough. She thrived on me and Andy (brother) depending on her for things. She held us responsible for her happiness, to protect her for things, to pad her in own little world. Fear and manipulation were her greatest weapons. She's often told me that she wishes I were dead. Or contemplated ways to kill me with her bare hands.

 

Even to this day, she is angry with any decision I make. She still talks to me like a child and yells at me like a child. I'm 1,000 miles away but I still feel like her prisoner. She is such a monster in my mind. I'm finally coming to feel that I don't have to put myself through it anymore. I feel so scarred for life...I'm independent yet I still feel unsure of making decisions. Sometimes I just feel so lost and lonely, knowing that I did and will never have "normal" parents like everyone else. That I will never know what a parent's love must feel like.

 

I have panic attacks now and again. I completely fear my visit in October for the reception, I don't know how I'll react. I'm afraid I'll just collapse out of breath or something, just being in a room again with her. It's like some turning point, I just can't go back to years of pretending that everything is normal. People used to (and probably still do) look at my family as the "perfect and happy family," I don't think many would believe the stories I have to tell.

 

I am still pretty taken up with guilt, I feel like a bad person by thinking these things about my parents. Any comments would be appreciated. Is it such a terrible thing to distance myself from them? I don't know that I'd ever tell them about all of this. My feelings have always been disregarded in the past.

I don't know how I can ever force myself to be around them ever again. It makes me so sad to think about it all, and angry.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Sorry to hear about your stories.

 

Bad childhood really affect a person development in the future.

 

Have you seek counselling about this matters?

[awalls37]

Yes I have, I've been in counseling for a little over a month now. It definitely has been helping to talk to someone who can help me resolve alot of things. She tells me that I am going through post traumatic stress, which explains the panic attacks.

[awalls37]

I really appreciate your comment! It helps knowing that I'm not alone. I know growing up, I never told anyone. I thought it was normal, I didn't think that anyone would ever believe me!

 

I just feel so unbelievably angry, how could they do this to me? I used to pity my father, but I am so upset that he NEVER stood up for me. They basically taught me that this is how other people are supposed to treat me for the rest of my life. When I first started ignoring my mom's e-mails a few months ago, she kept writing and writing me, telling me that whatever reason if I was mad at her then I should let it go.

 

I just don't see how to get past feeling this way. It's so unfair! I waited years (and still do at times) just for a kind word. Every decision I make, I feel like I'm always waiting for someone to tell me that it's okay. I feel so unprepared for adult life at times.

 

The one memory that haunts me night to night is when I had my first car accident, I was riding in my friend's car and someone side swiped us. I had pretty severe bruises all along my stomach and chest, when I went to the ER, I was so terrified that if I called home, she would just be there to yell at me for what happened. So, I didn't tell my family at all. My friend's mother is the one that sat with me in the emergency room. She still is very upset with me about that. So, the next day I get home and find out that my grandmother died. At her funeral, my mom tells me that I should've died in her place. I still feel what I felt that day, I don't think I can ever forgive that.

 

My mom also threatened me with a knife on quite a few occasions, especially in my teens. She still terrifies me. Ever since I was little, she used to dig her fingernails into my arm until they drew blood when I was "bad." Or pull my hair. I remember when Andy moved in with a girl in college, she broke a glass tea jug over his head. I too reached an end when I was 19, when she hit me, I came back at her and told her that I would fight back.

 

Honestly, I went weeks without sleep, thinking about whether or not to go to this reception. But Andy is like my best friend of the whole world, it breaks my heart to not be there for him on his special day. He told me that he would understand. Often I feel bad for him, he represses alot of what we went through, he is still quite under her "wrath."

 

I want so much to never speak to my parents again. I just don't think they can ever change. And I feel like it completely destroys my mental health, and I don't know why I should put myself through it?

 

Thanks again for your message.

[mgirl]

Hi awalls37, i won't post tonight because i have had a few drinks and i don't think it's appropriate, or i can't string a sentence together! But, i'll give it a try.

 

So much of your story resembles mine and i think it is therapudic that i communicate with you .

 

I know growing up, I never told anyone. I thought it was normal, I didn't think that anyone would ever believe me!

I think sometimes we don't even know it is happening. Because it is the only thing we know, we think it is normal... but it is not.

 

I just feel so unbelievably angry

Of course you do, you have every right to.

 

how could they do this to me?

I will just say one thing to you. It would have been anyone. It's not just you. It wouldn't have mattered who they had in their sights.

 

They basically taught me that this is how other people are supposed to treat me for the rest of my life.

I can soooo relate to that, it's not even funny... I just pray, for people like us, and others who have been treated disdainfully, that they find the light.

 

I just don't see how to get past feeling this way. It's so unfair!

I know. Sometimes it seems insumountable, but you are young and have a good start at life. It is hard to find a good counsellor, some that doesn't have their own issues, but it sounds as though you have found one. I say, hang on to her... make the most of it.

 

I waited years (and still do at times) just for a kind word.

OMG, i still wait for a kind word and i am 36. I have given up and realised that my life is too short to waste on someone who is not going to support me, love me and accept me for who i am. I truly do.

 

I feel so unprepared for adult life at times.

You need to work through this with counselling. It sounds like you have anxiety, but with some therapy... some good therapy... this will be possible.

 

The one memory that haunts me night to night is when I had my first car accident, I was riding in my friend's car and someone side swiped us. I had pretty severe bruises all along my stomach and chest, when I went to the ER, I was so terrified that if I called home, she would just be there to yell at me for what happened.

I was rushed to hospital 9 years ago with severe chest pains. I thought i was having a heart-attack, and i couldn't even call my parents. I thought i would wake them from their sleep and this is a crime you could not commit in my/their household, believe me. I know it is sad, but that is the space that people like them put us it. It is okay to make demands.

 

At her funeral, my mom tells me that I should've died in her place. I still feel what I felt that day, I don't think I can ever forgive that.

Don't take on what she said to you personally. I can tell by your message that you are a worthy person... People like them should not have kids. I would die to have kids...and i don't understand why anybody would not want their kid. Heck knows, i would take on a 'rejected' kid.

 

She still terrifies me

Once you transcend the mental anguish, you will be over her. It sounds like you are truelly on your way.

 

But Andy is like my best friend of the whole world, it breaks my heart to not be there for him on his special day. He told me that he would understand. Often I feel bad for him, he represses alot of what we went through, he is still quite under her "wrath."

Maybe Andy is dejected. Who knows.

 

I want so much to never speak to my parents again. I just don't think they can ever change. And I feel like it completely destroys my mental health, and I don't know why I should put myself through it?

You totally have to do what you think is right. Without guilt.

[lanty3]

hello awalls37, getting away is best thing you could have done. congratulations.

i too am coming to the realization how unhealthy my upbringing was. my mother was just like yours;the yelling! usually over minor things. she was the most bitter person i`ve ever known. and very manipulative.

if you don`t want to see them....DON`T ! you have a golden opportunity here to begin looking after your own self-interest and starting your own life.

mgirl is right....do what you think is right , WITHOUT GUILT !.

i wish you well.

[awalls37]

I know that moving away was the best thing I've ever done. I hate that I still feel guilty for so much, I still feel responsible for her, ultimately.

 

I am still torn about whether I should write a letter to confront her? I don't even know what I'd say. I am certain that she would not change, just deny the things I say. I guess the worst that could happen is either my parents will hate me for the rest of my life or my mom may kill herself? I guess that's one worry that has forced me to "protect" her from truth and reality. But it just seems so wrong that she may go on the rest of her life (and my dad too) never knowing what the past has done to me. I'm sure they just think I'm just a selfish and ungrateful daughter that has abandoned her family for no reason.

 

It just makes me so angry b/c I don't feel like a capable adult at times. Especially when I first moved away, I was like sitting around waiting for someone to tell me what to do. It's a very unsettling feeling. I feel like I'm afraid of everything!

 

I really appreciate the feedback. It's so hard sometimes because I don't really know anyone who's gone through what I have, except my brother Andy. But I think he represses it all, I dont' even know that he realizes this is not healthy? I don't think he can stand to hear it when I talk to him. More than anything, he is like my dad. He just takes it all from her, trying to make her happy. I remember his parting words to me when I left Missouri, that "only our parents know what makes us happy." My boyfriend has been really great, and I do have close friends that I can talk to, but I think it's difficult because they can't truly understand that this is real, that this happened, that my mother was such a monster.

[lanty3]

hello again awalls37 , i relate completely to your not feeling like a capable adult. my parents turned into a lifelong child.

please try not to feel guilty. THEY did this to you ,just like my parents did it to me.

my parents are both gone now. my mother went first. i spent 6 years alone with my father. i`ll never know if they ever truly realized how thier bitterness affected me. i think they did but couldn`t deal with it.

i would suggest not confronting until you develop a strong sense of your own identity apart from them. as they said back in the 60`s : " find yourself.".

you said your boyfriend is great , stick with him and your close friends. and there are people out here who do truly understand. you can pm if you like.

[awalls37]

Thanks for your advice.

 

I think you're right about the confrontation, when I think about what and when I'll say it, I know that I have to be in a good place. I just feel too angry and vulnerable to my mother's influence still to really be able to even handle it.

 

I just don't know how to get past feeling so angry. I feel a lot like my childhood and early youth was *stolen* from me. I feel more angry at my dad, I feel like he could've stopped it. He often blames me for her unhappiness, and he always stood by when I was criticized and yelled at as a child. There were times when he would try to tell her that it wasn't nice, but he eventually gave up. She usually talked to him in the same way, so it was like he was "teaching" me that it was okay to be treated like that.

 

I hate the place I'm in, I don't even know where all this came from? It started when Andy got engaged to an older woman, and my mom did an excessive amount (past her usual) of hateful remarks and actions. It infuriated me more than him I think, but it suddenly brought me to this place where I decided that something has to change. My brother and I always have believed that she was never capable of change so it's a matter of accepting it. But I refuse to settle for that anymore - and it's the saddest and loneliest feeling in the world to me to lose my parents completely.

 

Maybe it's dramatic, but I totally feel that this point in my life, this will change my life forever. For so long I've feared being at this point, to actually stand up and say that I deserve better, because now I can't go back to seeing them, pretending that I'm happy to be there. It's like this year, I totally broke down around Mother's and Father's Day, because I honestly could not pick out a card to send b/c they all talk about "thank you for your support, for believing me" and so forth, and it just still is not true!!

 

I don't know how things will be. But I have this strong feeling that I will never speak or see them again, maybe forever. I already feel that I've missed SO MUCH, I want to stop now and live the happiest life that I can. It often makes me cry, I never thought that I would be without family in this way? Everyone else sees this parents, their family is always there in their lives. But I can't have that, and it breaks my heart.

 

Lately with the panic attacks, I just feel this urgent urgency to hurry and get married, get to the good stuff. I always have this huge fear (and I have the nightmares at night about it) that I will die before I get to any of the things - like marriage, being a good mom, traveling the world, etc etc. Not that I think that this stress will kill me on its own. It's more like irony..like a bus will run me over or I'll die giving child birth or something, and then never get the chance to have the big happy things that I'd always hoped for.

[lanty3]

wow ! , we seem to have alot of commonalities. i too have missed alot and i`ve only started to try and establish my own life.(i`m 46).

you don`t want to lose your young adulthood. i only have a couple of years left as a relatively young man but i`ve managed to curb my urgency and anxiety about doing the things you spoke about. i think it`s best if you just look out for yourself right now and be willing to accept the outcome whatever it may be. don`t accept the blame for anyone elses responses.

i understand all about your fear of being cheated by fate , hit by a bus etc.. i believe that`s your sub-consious fear trying to hold you back.risk is all a part of getting out in the world. it`s the only way to have the things you want. you`ve cried enough and hurt enough and you may do so again , but if you do what you feel is best , you won`t have this anguish and regret.

[awalls37]

I'm a bit curious about what you went through, how you dealt, since you say that we seem to have a lot in common? Of course, if you don't mind.

 

Do you have a family of your own now? How long was it before you "distanced" yourself from the situation?

 

Thanks again.

[mgirl]

hello awalls37, getting away is best thing you could have done.

if you don`t want to see them....DON`T !

 

My gosh lanty3, you are inspiring me...

[mgirl]

awalls37, is it possible to just handle each remark or feeling as it comes up rather than putting pressure on yourself to have this big "wow" moment with your mum?

 

I confronted my mother a few years ago about what she did to me and the impact that it has had and she kept trying to remove blame from herself by putting it back on me and the "other influences" in my life, such as school. I left their place that weekend and didn't intend on calling for a long time, if ever. After a week or two, she called me and tried to sort it out. She said she regretted what she had done and said, "it was abuse really", but i never felt she was truelly sorry... And i still don't. Or, maybe she is sorry, but doesn't really want me in her life, because that's how it feels right now, and has most of the time i have known her.

 

Right now i am in the same space as you - deciding how to extricate myself from the situation. Unfortunately, i opened my big mouth and invited her and my stepfather around early next week for dinner, mainly due to wanting to give my over-worked and over-burdened stepfather a break. Also, my mum has been mentally ill and i have been bending over backwards to try to instil some positivity into her life, but i am over it. I have almost decided that if an issue comes up, like one of my mum's smart-alec, insensitive responses, i am going to respond appropriately.

 

The problem is that my stepfather loves her to death. He worships the ground she walks on and takes his marriage vowels very seriously. He cannot understand that other people may not percieve or feel the same way about her as he does and he responds appropriately. An example is that if i asked her straight out if she wants me in her life, he would interject and say something like, "look, that's not fair ****, your mother has been through a very rough time... you are being totally unreasonable", or something like that. I would then have to defend myself, which i shouldn't have to do. I should be able to ask a simple question and get a simple answer. This has been going on for as long as i can remember and that is why i have anxiety attacks, because i feel my words are stifled.

 

Now, i've got to find a way to set the boundaries without it becoming ugly. I would still like to see them for birthdays and at Christmas, and during possible emergencies... but largely, i am over the relationship and want to move on to start my own life, without always feeling i am living in their shadow, or trying to repair a relationship that will never be whole.

 

I have accepted the fact that my mum doesn't love me, or love me the way that i want to be loved. It is now just a matter of me standing up for myself and exercising some self respect

[awalls37]

I can certainly appreciate what you're telling me. Most of the time, I am torn...it makes me so sad to think that I won't have parents again by cutting them out, so maybe I can deal with the punches as they come?

 

But I am not sure that I can handle seeing them again, not for a long time. I feel so angry, more than I ever have, I don't think I can be around them. Especially now that I'm getting these anxiety attacks more, having nightmares every night, I haven't slept in months.

 

I just can't pretend around them, I have no idea how I'll handle this reception in October for my brother's wedding. Why should I force myself to endure time with them? I get nothing out of it. In fact, I think it makes me worse. It makes me feel like I'm putting myself through it all again. My mom can't change. I haven't seen her since last November, and still every night and day, it's like seeing/hearing the same trauma in my head again and again.

 

I think I'm more upset with my dad than anything. She treats him the same as she treats me and Andy. But he takes the abuse, and it's like he was teaching us that it was okay. And that we should be responsible for keeping her happy, because that's what he feels he has to do. He should've protected me or stood up for me! When she calls me worthless, I so needed him to at least tell me that I wasn't worthless.

 

I can't even stand to be around my mom or to talk to her on the phone/e-mail because she is totally a class A narcissist. And she * * * * *es about everything, it really has an effect on me, you know? She seems to have such disdain for life, for other people, it makes me sick. Just the way that I feel about her...I think she's a monster, so much of the time, I absolutely feel hatred for her. I hate the way she makes me feel about myself! And that she made me think for 24 years of my life that I DESERVED to be treated bad, that I was the one who did something wrong. I don't know what to do with my anger, I just think it will grow if I see her again.

 

I don't know how you can do it? How can you be around your mom without seeing that mean side that verbally abuses you and makes you feel bad? I think I've totally reached this point where I can't go back to subjecting myself to it, and obviously become stricken with guilt for thinking it.

[chemica]

Hi awals. I grew up in kind of a dysfunctional family too. My mom would take every problem she ever had out on us and tell us she wishes she never had us. My best friend, my sister, commited suicide and it has been even tougher since then. I have only now started to realize how much my messed up family has really effected, and in many ways caused my social problems. I plan to start over in a completely new environment the day after I take my last final in college.

 

I dont really look at it as much of running away from an old life as it is finally starting one. I wish you the best...

[awalls37]

chemica:

 

You're absolutely right, I hope that you too are able to be in a new environment and live your own life. I moved away two years ago, the time I graduated from college too, and I never regret it -- I definitely think it was the best decision of my life. I look back at the life I had and what I have now, and it still amazes me how much I've grown and the type of person I have become. I often think back to who I was, and I just can't imagine what I'd be like today if I had stayed.

[mgirl]

so maybe I can deal with the punches as they come?

No, cut her out completely... it was just a thought.

 

Why should I force myself to endure time with them?

That's how i am feeling and i have invited them around for dinner next week. I really don't know what to do. As i explained before, i am doing it out of a sense of obligation to my mother, who has been 'sick' since December '05, and to my stepfather, who has been over-worked and under-paid.

 

I get nothing out of it. In fact, I think it makes me worse.

Me either and me too.

 

And that we should be responsible for keeping her happy

I too feel responsible for keeping my mother happy.

 

I can't even stand to be around my mom or to talk to her on the phone/e-mail... She seems to have such disdain for life

My mum is basically life and it really annoys me. It drags me down to think about her and talk to her.

 

I think she's a monster

I used to think that too about my mother...

 

I don't know how you can do it? How can you be around your mom without seeing that mean side that verbally abuses you and makes you feel bad?

I don't know how i can do it either. She's not that abusive now, she's too old. Apparently she's sick... just another way she gets to weasel out of any responsibility to anyone, especially me. I don't know... she still makes me feel bad when every time i call her, the first thing she says is, "look ****, i can't talk for long", like she is in such a hurry to get off the phone. It just reinforces her underlying attitude, that she does not want me in her life.

 

I am sick of it. I am tempted to call her tomorrow and ask her about it.

[lanty3]

hi awalls , what we have in common may not be immediately apparant to you. i see it though.

my parenys are both gone now. my father 4 years ago, my mother 10. they both lived with me till the end.

my mother was smothering and overprotective. my father was distant and was critical and very impatient with me. my mother was not very educated and had a terrible temper. yelling was the main form of communication in our house. i have a brother and two sisters , all much older. i was 9 when the last of them got married and left.

my emotional growth was stunted. actually i stopped when i was 12. i never even made the jump to adolecsense let alone adulthood. till the last few months i lived as an "old child". no , i have no family of my own. no girlfriend,ever. no independent adult experiences to even look back on.

i`ve been to therapy and taken medication for 4 years now. i`ve also been talking with my siblings. chats with my brpther have been the main thing that have helped ; and what i`m about to say may be of value to you. finally, FINALLY!! someone honestly tells me that mommy and daddy were wrong !! the self doubt and guilt trips are losing thier grip on me. now i can move on with MY OWN life.

i`ve respondeed to other posts similar to yours. like you ,they`re much younger than me. i hope you see what can happen if you don`t take action in your own self interest. i`m not starting over,i`m starting my life...at 46?

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

It is still not too late to start at 46.

Medicine is quite advance now, we might able to live until 100 years old.

So, you still have half century to go.

 

Anyway, the important in life is not how long you live, but has you accomplish your goal.

[awalls37]

I have decided to confront my parents about all that has happened -- mostly at the urging of my counselor for me to do so. The instant I came to the realization, I've been sick with grief, I can't sleep at all now, I've been nauseous, and just all over sick.

 

I've written separate letters to my mom and dad, and I think that I will send them in the next month. However, I also came to the decision that I can't attend my older brother's wedding reception in October, and I feel terrified to tell him about it. Andy and I have been so close, but he still lives back in Missouri and is still pretty much under my mom's wrath. I know that he is not in the same "place" as me, he doesn't really understand my anger towards them. He's slowly starting to realize that he doesn't have to suffer, but I think he has not come to understanding that what our mom did was wrong.

 

I am so scared to tell my brother, I know he will be sad that I won't be there. I feel like I'm letting him down. When Andy and Anne first got engaged, my parents were horrible. My mom told him that she would buy them cyanide as a wedding gift, so that they could bring honor to their families. I have tried so hard (from 1,000 miles away) to show him that I was supportive and that I was so happy for him. And now I'm not going to be there.

 

I've been tossing on this decision for months, it was so hard to make it. I hadn't planned on telling my parents how I felt for a while, but I just feel like this is the time I need to do it. I am so afraid of what will happen, it really changes everything. Maybe I'll never see them again? Even in my mind, that doesn't sound like a terrible thing. But I am so afraid that Andy will not understand, that he'll be hurt, and maybe disappointed in me? He's the only family that I may have left, and it makes me sadder than anything else to think that he will not forgive me.

 

Thanks for listening.